You have seen me at my worst
When life pulled me down to the lowest place
Yet not matter how far I have fallen
Hesitation never finds your embrace

I have written many poems about
The way you make me feel
But most of them were focused on
Wounds that have since healed

This time I want my words to show
How grateful I am to have you here
I know with my bad attitude
Admiration is not always clear

I said "I hate you" when I was younger
More times than anybody should
I didn't understand your restrictions
My feet never walked where you stood

You knew I didn't really mean it
Love unwavering through my rage
I'm sure you've spoken the same exact words
To your own mother when you were that age

I think you nag because you care
But lack another way to express
What you don't realize is that you would
Get better results if you ******* less

You deserve a daughter who makes you proud
Not one who barely gets by
But at least I am honest about my problems
Instead of feeding you a happy lie

You accept me with my many flaws
Still praise the mess that I became
I am lucky because most people I know
Wouldnt be able to say the same

You have always done the best you can
No matter how great the sacrifice
To see me succeed and fulfill my potential
You would gladly pay any price

Thank you for staying up all night
To make me a costume for school
You put in blood, sweat, spit, and tears
Just so I could feel cool

You would bake me cookies
When we had parties in class
Without seeking validation
You just wanted me to pass

And I remember the time my teacher called
Because I had broken the dress code
You showed up and gave him a piece of your mind
Until his decision was overrode

You've always fought for my best interests
You'll forever have my back
On my side even when I'm in the wrong
Defending qualities I lack

I could never explain how grateful I am
To have a mom as amazing as you
Supportive, protective, and  nurturing
Caring and thoughtful too

I hope one day I can prove myself
Mistakes I promise to ammend
All the effort you put in raising me
Was worth it in the end

I'm learning as I get older
Everyone will bring you sorrow
Whether it's sixty years down the road
Six months, sixteen days, or tomorrow
Eventually those you care for most
Who claim they feel the same in return
Will hurt you with words, actions, and decisions
It's human nature as I have learned
Our selfishness makes us monsters
We all take a turn before we die
Playing the villain in anothers story
Regardless of the ways we try
It's always the ones that love you the most
That leave the deepest, worst, ugliest scars
Then to pacify the pain we pass it along to the next
We are imperfect; it's just how we are
Yes everyone you know will cause damage
They'll become reasons you put up high walls
And are too afraid to let the outside world in
Why you gradually stop answering calls  
We all make mistakes, we all carry secrets
We all find different ways to deal
It is not the wound you inflict that matters
But if you choose to run or stay to help it heal

To make something change must fight
You aren't born a champion
But made
Just have to push towards the light
To the day weakness delayed

Walk a mile wearing my shoes
Then you can say you understand
What you can't see is that I need
More than just a helping hand

You don't know how it feels
To forever fail and fall
And spend hours wistfully waiting
For your favorite person to call

Close to breaking down
About to cave in and cry
Too doubtful to say Hello
Too afraid to say goodbye

Not quite fitting in here
A tad off, a bit out of place
Sad yet beautiful hazel eyes
Overshadowed by an ugly face

I don't know where I belong
Or which way I should go
But until you have walked the same path
Don't you dare tell me you "know"

I was used for heat
Candle lit for awhile
Snuffed out with a pinch

Night changes and spins around
Bitter day will follow suit
A purple frosty evening
Turning black as soot

I sit on the sharp edge of the present
Fine line separating future and past
My legs dangling into the past
Preventing me from living the current moment
Dwelling on wrong choices made
Words I did not mean to say
Friends and family I lost
Each lonely thought grips me and drags me further into the canyon of memory
I am barely holding onto this cliff with my fingertips
How do I pull myself back up?

If you peer into my heart
Completely you'd understand
How I care about your soul
I truly miss your hand

I you borrow my irrational brain
The one obsessing over you
You would discover your presence is my escape
The past haunts all I do

There is burning through my veins
Too much you and your essence
Wish you owned the same skeleton
You would feel I'm not happy in your absence

Nothing what it appears to you
I have made sure of that
Going through familiar motions
Stability only an act

I cannot be as strong as I want to
Not allowed to show real dismay
I force a smile to portray a happy face
Can't live this charade one more day

Turquose water barely exists in my mind
I am only familiar with murky grey
With clouds of brown mud, the splash of friends.

The best time to go is always when the lake is deserted
Just loved ones and the empty cavity above the rippling surface
Fully free to laugh, shreik, and be a kid again.

No explanations for the shorts I wear over my swimsuit
Those are the moments we don't care if our hair gets wet and stringy
We stay in as long as possible, until lips turn blue and toes go numb.

Then we swim back, back to the shore and ***** feet
Huddled around a cold firepit, we beg for coals and heat
With none found we finally put on damp clothes, utterly exhausted.

No amount of food is ever enough so like scavenging dogs we hunt
With vicious fingers and starving hands
Until every last crumb in the potato chip bag is consumed.

Those are the days I want to remember
That blissful feeling, the absence of the weight of the world
The days when the swim back is always farther.

Forgiveness taking far too long
Knife out and in my hands
My own judgement tasting wrong
Back and blood understands

Using to sharpen wit but not
Hurt anyone
Zero exceptions
No matter if they ought
Harm myself is my intention

Their heads in false guillotines
Hair drenched in sweat
Manage to turn my cheek
Wrong that this pain I let

They are supposed to care
The ones who betrayed
Just expected them to be there
My feelings were played

Until understanding why
Heart will keep bleeding
Alone continue to try
Never made progress in succeeding

You own every single piece of me
Every part
The only one with all of my heart

I have given everything I have to you within my core
I still feel as if I should have given so much more

Because you deserve sun to never set or say goodbye
Deserve not the moon or stars but the whole entire sky

The love you have shown since the day we met
An unrecipricable gift for which i will forever be in debt

There are no words to express depth of my gratitude
Sure you have no clue cause of my constantly bad mood

As hard as I try being someone worthy of your caress
Each tense day that passes you like me less and less

I cannot blame you for dwindling adoration
Hard cherishing a girl who voices no appreciation

I have noticed the difference in behavior for awhile
Remain unable to coax out your smile

I lost the ability to conjure your laughter
It's vanished along with happy-ever-after

The years spent making love feel like a dream
Unsure if I am remembering wrong
Was it as amazing as to me it seems?

Gone are moments we were free from fear and cares
Happy as long as the other was there

Now all we do
Argue and fight
Pretty sure you're starting to get sick of my sight

I leave marks on surface of your magnificent skin
Drawing blood out
You won't let me in

Scratching hopes I'll somehow break through
If I dig my nails deep enough I'll get to the real you

I do not want to hurt you but I can't seem to stop
The things you say leave my head spinning like a top

I have explained before you have nothing from me to hide
The sole element I need is for you to let me inside

You have never given me a full chance to be understanding
In the past I was strict and demanding

But that was back before I knew what forever was like
Sweat and shake when those withdrawals strike

You have seen me change so drastically
Over time
I'm not even the same me

And even when I would express aggravation
Forgave each mistake without hesitation

For I had known certainly you were "The One"
Locked eyes and right there my search was done

Our romance has survived lots of ups and downs
Used to wear mostly smiles but they've switched to frowns

I am the reason why it's difficult to get along
Finally realized it's me who's in the wrong

For so long pride has rendered me blind
Justifying words no matter how unkind

For every hurtful action came up with an excuse
Truly believed you deserved the abuse

For damage you did and the lies you told
That doesn't give me the right to act cold

You have served your sentence:
A year spent on your own
A prison I built and left you in alone

As punishment for tears you made me cry
Slowly breaking my heart
Not telling me why

For the fraction of life I wasted in chains
I washed different parts of myself down the drain

But wasn't you drowning my sorrows
Hand pouring remorse on not just today but all tomorrows

Haunted unforgettable pain
Memory of what no longer remained

I attempted to seal sadness within
No one got a glimpse of the agony within

I was sure would eventually go away
I ignored the ache and pushed through it each day

But the longer I pretended was just fine
Crazier it drove me knowing you weren't mine

Tortured by the fact was the one who chose to leave
To deceieve myself thinking you would change was plain naive

But truly believed you were ready to be done
It came as a surprise when after me you didnt run

I assume it is because i acted like I moved on
Too wounded to let witness my distress with you gone

Determined to never go through same ordeal twice
Trusting nature i was forced to ultimately sacrifice

I put up walls
Blocked ricocheting echoes of  your voice
That's not all I barricaded out with my choice

In order to be unshackled from terrible fear
Hope and happiness also had to disappear

Solitude was total freedom at first
That relief quickly turned into a curse

I noticed resolve diminishing bit by bit
Something missing from my world and you were it

I yearned for moments of comfort and bliss
Magic contained in your enchanting kiss

Irresistible drawn to despite what you lacked
Caved and despite my instinct took you back

No one else could possibly make me feel the way you do
I accepted a relationship where my heart stays torn in two

But problem is we've had too much room to grow
Into people hardly recognize but know

I am still Amanda and you are still Paul
Infatuation has not wavered at all

But I have grown bitter
Full of anger
Who is responsible for morphing me into a stranger?

A glance in the mirror shows a twisted reflection
I can't pinpoint the exact imperfection

I feel ugly and unworthy of love
Far away from my image I forcefully shove

Why do you tolerate violence and greif?
Patient when in return offer no relief

If you saw the picture I've become you'd depart
Before once again I leave pits on your heart

You hold me in devoted embrace
Piercing with the fearful expression on your face

You love me (at least promise you do)
I cannot fully trust though I try to

I cannot comprehend a single trait you see
I am a screaming mess and you stick around me

You are a miracle that through darkest hours shone
Truthfully very best guy I have ever known

To my fantastic friend Ronnie Lee
For being such good company
I am thankful for compliments you give
Flirtatiousness you ask me to forgive
But I know pick-up lines are all in good fun
****** sense of humor don't bother me none
I get your jokes
You get mine
Find some way to boost my self-esteem each time
A kind word
Wink
Or a "Hey pretty girl"
Instantly brightens my world
I like when you say "Where's my hug?"
Those days we smoke a tasty nug
When you go wish you'd stay longer
Conversation makes our friendship stronger
You do not gossip or start drama
You just want to have fun
If **** goes down you have my back and your gun
You may be old-aged but you're young at heart
Only thing that stinks about you is your farts
I hope this brings smiles to your face
You have proof of my affection (in pen so it can't be erased)
This is to say thanks for being a pal through the years
If you need anything know I am here
It is rare to meet an honest soul in this world of pretend
You are a one-of-a-kind friend!

On a road, I don't know where it leads
I don't care that I am lost
Feet are burning but I continue on
Determined to escape at all costs

I will keep going until my knees buckle
Regret following with steady pace
Broken dreams viewed in my periphreals
Cannot be fixed, salvaged, or replaced

Mile by mile, distancing myself
Unable to fully outrun lurking past
Almost is as good as I get
Have the lead for a moment but always come in last

I travel at a safer pace
I'm already immersed in danger
Desperation grows as I lift legs
Lengthy journey stretches riling anger

There is no detour to avoid my confusing thoughts
Maps behind eyes I'm striving to chart
I stumble but I still advance
I'll always follow my heart

Many of the rumors about me are true
My insecurities reflect the past
Cards that I discarded weren't all that bad
Metaphorically folded too fast

You can assume whatever you want
Could imagine a million possibilities
In a lot of them you are probably right
I just feel I am viewed as a person diseased

It's only natural to judge in haste
I try to change their impression
I struggle with tired stereotypes
Hope those I love can see my intentions

My eyes betray sad stories
Vaguely told in shades of brown
And all throughout mistakes are woven
Punctuated by tears leaking down

I was a loser for awhile
A burden who offered less than nothing
Let my issues get the best of me
Friends have tried to give guidance
Wasn't ready to accept advice, kept ducking

Immature approach to solving problems
***** a wall to guard my heart
Let my issues get the best of
Embrace sin when life falls apart


Find it amusing when hypocrites whisper
With each passing day grow stronger
It was difficult at recovery's start
To be judged a person I wasn't any longer

I am underneath this mask I've made
Down below the smile shown
World within is stony and dim
Think you know how it feels to be alone?

Take my place for a single day
You will realize your life is sweet
There's always effects from mistakes repeated
You have a house to ease your feet.

Breathe me slow, inhale my thoughts
Only I could invade your mind
Occupy another brain for a brief stay
Enough time to leave battles fought behind.

There is no escape from this pain
Don't know  what to say when friends ask
Continue to carry on like I'm okay
Hiding beneath my delicate careful mask.

Christmas is over
New year has begun
Not sure I'm ready for another one
Done all the things I resolved not to do
The lights blazing down
Time just flew

The world looks newer than before
Burning bright with colors galore
Feel it turn as I go through my day
Long years behind
Short ones on the way

Lighting life with the glow from ahead
Steps have went the wrong way instead
Branch is just too high to reach
Consumed in never-ending breach

The flame marks the proper route
Spells cast make it hard to get out
When my foot bravely goes to tread
Suddenly cells are made of lead

My fire drags me the opposite direction
Everglow remains in the darkest section
Memories of long ago linger in my head
Love I lost
Can't let go of
Remains in words unsaid

When asked my resolution I always respond
"Stop saying yes to things I am of rather not fond"
Of course I never commit and fail within a week
I try nonetheless though my attempt is too weak

I want more than ever
To kiss your supple lips
Mark neck like you did mine
Cause stomach to do flips

I want you to laugh with me
Stupid, silly, random jokes
Tease me with meaningless words
Annoy me with tickles and pokes

Want to travel the earth with you
Walk beaches, bridges, and tracks
Hear stories, dreams, and fears
Make you happier than Prozac

I want heart to forget how lonely feels
Relieve shoulders of the shame
Never display disappointment
To teach your value is my aim

I want us to forget the feeling
Of any other person's skin
Never want you to give to some other girl
The part opened to let me in

I want nights I spent alone
To vanish and be replaced
With ones laid there next to you
Inches from your face

I want to keep my fear far from me
Heart on an untouchable cloud
Haze of happiness making truth hard to see
I'll gladly live with you forever in this shroud

I want to give up and let you in
Know in the end you'll always have me
Promised myself I wouldn't care too much
Didn't realize how hard that would be

Discipline is difficult to learn
Ability to take control
Do things that challenge you
Rather than quit on your goal

Avoid unhurried temptation
Succumbing the worst thing you could do
Decide if instant gratification
Or achievement is more important to you

Welcome
To the hell
I have made here

If you care
About me
You will just

Disappear

If serious at all
We would be together right now
Here I am
Alone
Trying to figure it out

My heart is not a room for  rent
Or helping hand for hire
Not a bundle of hay or stack of sticks
To blow down or set on fire

And for that I am so grateful
My walls erected high
So far the top not visible
Bricks reaching past the sky

I am not honey melting on your tongue
My body is not an ocean in which for you to drown
I may make you feel like you are on cloud nine
That just means you have further to fall down

I am not your once-upon-a-time
No longer believe in fairytales
Wish I could be your pussycat
But I am a monster with horns and scales

My affection is not a sunset
Have no glow in which for you to bask
I want so badly to love you like you deserve
Too incompetent to accomplish that task

My time is not a rolling wheel
Spinning forward sure and straight
It is a large looming labyrinth
Impossible to navigate

My happiness is not a prize you can win
Although I wish it were that way
Smiles breifly graze my face in your presence
Why can't one find the determination to stay?

My company doesn't play a melody
Loyalty is not a song
Just a sequence of sad lyrics serenaded
But the notes all come out wrong

My soul is not a shooting range
Target not painted on my back
Yet feel as if at any moment
I will be suddenly under attack

My feelings are not a falling star
Shooting from the sky only for you
Nor are they dandelions or eyelashes
I won't make your wishes come true

My attention is a turning top
Twisting and spinning all over the place
I'll make you so dizzy you can't even walk
Then you'll fall right onto your face

My care is a consuming cancer
Killing every last cell
You're better off without my disease
Stay away and your health will stay well

My mind is an active volcano
Over and over erupts with no warning
Sometimes rage bubbles up from within
I can't stop the molten lava from forming

My companionship is a sleepless night
Kept up by thoughts racing in your head
Questions fighting with each other
Unless I am with you in bed

My devotion is a heavy black cloak
Worn like a ball and chain
Weighing down shoulders like sandbags
I don't think you can handle the strain

My efforts are fistfuls of sand
Slipping through your fragile fingers
Gripping so tightly that when you are done
Only a few wayward grains linger

My adoration is a roulette table
Risk getting hurt by my behavior
Yet you gamble anyways despite the fact
That the odds aren't in your favor

My compliments are Band-Aids
To cover wounds inflicted in haste
You'll get cut by words so sharp
I carelessly misplaced

My desire is a running faucet
Full blast with no way to turn it down
Which means eventually if in my proximity
The sink will fill and you will drown

My intimacy is a roller-coaster
Ascending high and dipping low
There will be moments I let my guard fall
But I also harbor secrets you'll never know

I will remain suspended in your throat
A lump too large to swallow
Too tough to chew to pieces
So your stomach still is hollow

My love is thunder and lightning
A storm that never ceases
No matter how calming and comforting you are
The downpour only ever increases