How dare you defy me?
I’m not
You are, with your worthless loads of efforts that you put into this ****** phase we call LIFE
I’m not
Oh sure you are, not giving in to what these Voices tell you
Nobody cares, so what’s the big deal if you’re gone?
I’m not
How many times will you have to repeat those meaningless words?
I’m not going to give up
Why not?
I’m not going to die from my own mind
You should
and why?

Well, setting aside the fact that you don’t care about how I feel, I’d rather change
for what?
I’d rather defy you
These Voices don’t want you to
YOU’RE ASHAMED!
Okay, what about it? Strength? what a farce it is!
What about giving in to these Voices already?
Hungry, hungry, Voices that feed off of you, a  P A T H E T I C  being
I’ll feed them with Love, not hate and I’ll make their anger Quell, not escalate
so pathetic, you ****** creature.
I let SHAME kick me to death, but I take off its shoe to lessen the pain
Oh, so you’re giving in to the Voices, yes?
no. never will. how? why?

If I could live in a
             perfect                                 world,
                   have no                                           imperfections,
                           not get hurt from                                       anyone,
                                    live in my                deceitful imagination (for it can’t
                                            attack me with the                    brutal reality that I’m not strong),
                                                      I would jump                 off a cliff of my miserable state and fall into a                                                                ­                  perfect world that breaks my fall from this brutal reality that I’m in
                            Why should I give in to these Voices, huh?
                              Past hurts and visits me to ruin the civilization of Strength that I’ve built, far below this Cliff of misery

Yet, I still stand on this               cliff                that hurts             when   I        could escape    to live        a more         happier               life
I’m
       working on loving myself
            more, relentless self-hate, never fails to hold me captive, but, however, I jumped
   into a new reality, a    new version     of myself
    One where I realized
                             that I’m more Stronger     than I         think                     I am.
If you’ll never believe in me, then I will for myself
                           y ou            ca    n       ‘t              e          sc      a       p       e           m        e .   .   .
Yes, I will.

“The void will come to take us away,”
she said, tears streaking down her cheeks
“One by one, they pick us off.”
She let go

And I screamed
And screamed
And screamed

Still tightly grasping the wall
Still breathing
Still living

But barely

I yelled, muscles tensed in frustration
The room seemed to be closing in on me

“Calm down. Take deep breaths,” my therapist said
I strained against my head
My conscience breaking into a thousand dissonant voices

“I could have saved her. She didn’t have to go.”

“You couldn’t save yourself. The void was unavoidable,” she said,
Stroking my hair in long, tangled motions

“But I could have. I could have done more. I should have done more.”
Tears streaked across my face, like window wipers spinning out of control.

“The void comes to take us all.”
And with that thought,
I, too, let go

A woman and I sit alone
On a train destined for a seaside cliff.
She is dressed sharply:
a tailored business suit with a matching pencil skirt ending just below her knees,
her hair neatly tied back in a short ponytail
and a hard leather suitcase dangling from her left hand.
To her right, I sit in the seat next to her,
I have dressed accordingly as her counterpart:
a cleanly pressed tuxedo, a jet black tie lingering just above the belt line,
a pair of black leather dress shoes polished to a high shine,
with two envelopes, imprinted with our names, dangling from my right hand.
We look prim, we look stoic,
We look accepting of what is to come
as co-partners in misery.

Occasionally,
as she gazes at something distant,
she starts to tear up
and a portion of her makeup begins to smear at the corner of her eyes,
falling as small droplets of streaking black.
I try not to look
but I slowly affix my left hand on her right thigh
where her right hand comes to meet mine.
Her shoulders shudder
My heart starts to flutter,
We both feel dizzy;
Co-partners in misery.

Doesn’t it seem odd?
We could work so much in just a few years
and achieve completely nothing.
Debt is an odd thing,
to what extent was she willing,
to which extent was I willing,
not that it matters,
all we needed was a good heart in the wrong place
and a co-signed loan,
one for her,
one for me;
all for him.
Debt is an odd thing,
The living may never escape it,
But it shall never catch the dead.

With each passing train stop,
we both get a little bit antsier.
She looks more unsure of our decision,
I look more unsure of our decision,
but the train continues.
Her hands start to sweat,
my feet start to tap nervously,
she begins to bite her lower lip anxiously
I begin to heave a little harder
as the ocean comes into view.
We both tempt each other with worried eyes,
But our clasped hands act to remind
that we are just so very tired.
she may want to go back,
i may want to go back,
but the train continues.

Her eyes are wonderful,
as she stares at me,
they ask a simple question:
Is death forever?
I stare back,
Let’s find out together.

The train stops.

Our hearts drop.

Until next time, perhaps.

I’m going downhill fast  (3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m going downhill fast  
My stomach it is grumbling
I’m going downhill fast  
No food all day is frightening
I’m going downhill fast  
My insulin levels are rising
I’m going downhill fast  
I reckon my poor kidneys failing
I’m going downhill fast

I’m going downhill fast  
Wish I could find a cafe
I’m going downhill fast  
My tank is low on diesel
I’m going downhill fast  
Oh Christ is that a cop car?
I’m going downhill fast  
Just don’t think I am speeding.
I’m going downhill fast  

I’m going downhill fast  
Went wide on that last bend.
I’m going downhill fast  
Only nearly off my head and
I’m going downhill fast  
Oh and *uck knows where I’m heading
I’m going downhill fast  
Sorry . Should not give way to swearing
I’m going downhill fast  

I’m going downhill fast  
Nothing but a hot dog stand now
I’m going downhill fast  
Do I dare to stop now with a cop upon my tail?
I’m going downhill fast  
I  will stop an see I must chance my arm
I’m going downhill fast  
Doubt he will see my busted tail light.
I’m going downhill fast  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Written by Philip.3 rd November 2018.

My sweetheart, the sea yonder,
My beautiful wonder,
My awesome tutor,
You have cast your enchanting spell over me,
For you,I yearn,
Lost in the heart of the great ocean,
So vast, depth unknown.
Calm, rough and unrestrained,
So many colours you contain,
Shimmering silver at dawn,
Green at noon, a glittering gown,
Blue in the evening with fishing boats sewn.
As I stand on the shore,
The waves play an encore,
As they lace their sprays around me,
I love you blue sea.
When I sit on the cliff edge,
I see you fume in rage,
Battering against the rocks,
Crying seagulls above me flock,
You calling me out ,
Without a doubt,
You are my lover at all cost,
In your soul I wish to be lost.