get up and
shut up, and work
on my paperwork, they aren't here, it's fine
I'll get through this night, some friends they stay but
not all walk out
with a sigh
I had just lost someone I considered a ‘love of my life’, I lost some friends, others started genuinely picking on me. I was livid. I know it wasn’t the friend I had the conflict with in particular, but I envied someone I knew for the worst thing ever.
Not having emotion.
I wanted to limit myself, I wanted to stop feeling because I felt maybe my feelings were the reason why everything tore itself apart (when in reality, it was faults on both sides, including mine). I discovered a new love, work. I actually adore work to this day, but I know sometimes I do have to restrict myself otherwise it becomes an unhealthy amount.
During this time, my channel started becoming viral (or more or less, it was very active) and in reality it was a lot to handle at a younger age; It’s why whenever I see younger youtubers leave, I can understand why they do.
One thing that bothered me for years to come was the fact someone a long time ago stated I was always playing ‘Victim’ when in reality that individual barely acknowledged me as a person. So, I actually thought I was in the wrong and tried to stop feeling, everything. It nearly worked.
The saddening thing is how much people can impact insecure individual’s lives. I was severely insecure at this point of time and saying these things left me to believe I was always the problem, even when I wasn’t. So when I started limiting my emotions, it became almost easier to ‘Get over it’.
But I missed it all! I missed being happy at something I liked! Hating something I hated! I loved those emotions, but at one point it genuinely felt impossible to feel most of those emotions. Depression didn’t help either, as much as I hate to say that.