My heart is not a room for  rent
Or helping hand for hire
Not a bundle of hay or stack of sticks
To blow down or set on fire

And for that I am so grateful
My walls erected high
So far the top not visible
Bricks reaching past the sky

I am not honey melting on your tongue
My body is not an ocean in which for you to drown
I may make you feel like you are on cloud nine
That just means you have further to fall down

I am not your once-upon-a-time
No longer believe in fairytales
Wish I could be your pussycat
But I am a monster with horns and scales

My affection is not a sunset
Have no glow in which for you to bask
I want so badly to love you like you deserve
Too incompetent to accomplish that task

My time is not a rolling wheel
Spinning forward sure and straight
It is a large looming labyrinth
Impossible to navigate

My happiness is not a prize you can win
Although I wish it were that way
Smiles breifly graze my face in your presence
Why can't one find the determination to stay?

My company doesn't play a melody
Loyalty is not a song
Just a sequence of sad lyrics serenaded
But the notes all come out wrong

My soul is not a shooting range
Target not painted on my back
Yet feel as if at any moment
I will be suddenly under attack

My feelings are not a falling star
Shooting from the sky only for you
Nor are they dandelions or eyelashes
I won't make your wishes come true

My attention is a turning top
Twisting and spinning all over the place
I'll make you so dizzy you can't even walk
Then you'll fall right onto your face

My care is a consuming cancer
Killing every last cell
You're better off without my disease
Stay away and your health will stay well

My mind is an active volcano
Over and over erupts with no warning
Sometimes rage bubbles up from within
I can't stop the molten lava from forming

My companionship is a sleepless night
Kept up by thoughts racing in your head
Questions fighting with each other
Unless I am with you in bed

My devotion is a heavy black cloak
Worn like a ball and chain
Weighing down shoulders like sandbags
I don't think you can handle the strain

My efforts are fistfuls of sand
Slipping through your fragile fingers
Gripping so tightly that when you are done
Only a few wayward grains linger

My adoration is a roulette table
Risk getting hurt by my behavior
Yet you gamble anyways despite the fact
That the odds aren't in your favor

My compliments are Band-Aids
To cover wounds inflicted in haste
You'll get cut by words so sharp
I carelessly misplaced

My desire is a running faucet
Full blast with no way to turn it down
Which means eventually if in my proximity
The sink will fill and you will drown

My intimacy is a roller-coaster
Ascending high and dipping low
There will be moments I let my guard fall
But I also harbor secrets you'll never know

I will remain suspended in your throat
A lump too large to swallow
Too tough to chew to pieces
So your stomach still is hollow

My love is thunder and lightning
A storm that never ceases
No matter how calming and comforting you are
The downpour only ever increases

We made a number of mistakes

On an emerald-dotted trail tripped and fell on our faces

Lost in our selfish fog

We landed somewhere foreign
Someplace frightening

As we counted footsteps to safety we somehow became separated from each other

Wearing smiles like souvenirs from a location we would never visit again

What are you running away from?
Some secret buried deep?
You doubt your talent and abilities,
Dreams you don't bother to keep.

Can't face answers to questions,
You resort to the place in your mind,
Where life is always happy and good,
A fantasy you repeat and rewind.

You were not born a deceiver,
Tragedy has made you that way,
After years suffering alone,
Learned to hide demons away.

Now they follow everywhere,
Eyes dizzy from keeping track,
Bullet holes in your beauty,
In your heart, on your back.

Waking up though we don't want to,
Walls mock what you have become,
Inside prison you chose to inhabit,
What are you running away from?

Made me feel beautiful
Yet sometimes hideous too
Held my confidence in your hand
It crumbled when we fell through

After everything I gave to you
All the time I let you waste
You slipped out of my clumsy hands
Leaving me with all this empty space
I wonder why I wasnt enough
Guess she somehow gives you more
Than the worthless contents of my heart
That now lie trampled on the floor
I hope she is everything
I wasn't able to be
Maybe if I had tried harder
You would still be here with me

I love you more than I did long ago
Bond growing stronger with time
Cemented deeply throughout the years
Closer each step of the journey we climb

Some days fall backwards
Opposite way of our goals
We can succeed if we work together
No matter depth of life's holes

Hate that I miss you
You are not here with me
This is the way
Life isn't supposed to be

I wish I could tell you
How I want to run
Away from the darkness
And things come undone

You do not know how much it hurts
To hear words you say
Deep inside still knowing
It won't be okay

Scenery flies by so fast
Lifeless, dull, and grey
Memories come rushing back
Wish they would just go away

Hate that I still want you
I need to move on
It's so hard to accept the fact
That you are just...
Gone.

****** reds
Broken blues
Heaven I want
Hell I choose
A menagerie of scars maps surface of skin
Eternity mocking every sin
Dawn overtakes darkness each day
Shining light inside is conquered by dismay
My heart is armored to protect from getting hurt
Harbor of regret hidden under my shirt
The birdsong becoming constant serenade
Along with the stars
Notes soon will fade
Watching windows
Don't dare crack my door
Bones too delicate to endure elements anymore
An ocean of fears drowning head
Scared to face future
I crawl into a hole instead
These evenings cannot seem to escape the shadow on my heels
Could never explain how immense every single problem feels

I wonder what you're doing
Dwelling does not change how I feel
It becomes extremely hard controlling
Painful thoughts that won't let me heal

Time is supposed to mend wounds
I fear it's making them worse
My overwhelming desire for you
Has become the sweetest curse

I wish for a pleasanter plague to punish
Then we wouldn't be connected
Been watching in silent observation
To see if I end up rejected

Tonight
You are lying in bed
Happy
Be free of dark thoughts
Do not be pulled by negative energy
Memory you all but forgot

Why do I coldly imagine what's on your mind?
Sit and find no conclusion
What you don't know is your image invades my brain
Cannot tell if I love or hate the intrusion

If this is at all possible
Take time out of day to appreciate the little things

A little gratitude goes a very long way

Reason to celebrate can be found
In the ******* situations

I know life is difficult
It is not impossible

Do not know what the future has in store but the one thing I can always foresee is laughter

Is this a premonition?

Okay will someone please enlighten me on why I'm so ****** up?

Let's go over it from the beginning

Because I am baffled..

I hate when I lose my cool
Let my crazy show
Bits and pieces slip through my cracks
Otherwise carefully kept below

A world of chaos hides behind eyes
Beyond my skin
Nobody suspects the battlefield
That sets stage within

My neck hurts from holding up weight
Of thousands of mental disputes
Neurons connecting in my brain
And nervous system in cahoots

Around so much ruin each day
Anxiety running my soul
Fracturing under pressure
I snap
I lose control

I inherited my mothers unnecessary fear
It is unfolding as we speak, inside
I am going forth courageously
In my stomach it's moving side to side.

The weight is heavier
Than I thought I could carry
Even seated, brings me down
And now I am growing wary.

Not delicate or weak anymore
Fighting this made me strong
I am a servant to my burden
Dragging worry painstakingly along.

I have been taken over by this
Helpless, it lets itself in
Persuades my eyes to stare at the ceiling
Not allowing me to win.

I escape out the window
Step onto the porch inside my scattered mind
But it is only a feeble reprieve
Flimsy and shoddy, albeit intricately designed.

My head a paper-thin labyrinth
A maze of my unique making
I wander, I lose myself
Within high walls, cold and aching.

I roam to and fro, inch by inch
North or South? I do not really know
What are a hundred directions worth
If you haven't a clue where you're trying to go?

Love you find in fairytales
Is falsely portrayed and blurred
Knights and princes do not exist
At least that's what Ive heard

Happiness is a hoax
Impossible to reach in chances
I guess it all depends
On fair or poor circumstances

Boasts of castles are dishonest
There's no such thing as forests enchanted
These are hopeful ideas
Well-meaning people implanted

A story does fine to entertain
Listen closely when I say this;
A frog won't transform into the man of your dreams
And you can't wake from a coma by feeling true loves kiss

You have been my closest friend from the day you were born
Back when you were just a tiny puppy
I promise to always protect and provide
As much love as you have given me

I am captivated by your beauty
Help me clear my clouded eyes
Forgive me for thinking my sight must be foggy
It's just that you're perfect, you must be sent from the skies.

You’re slipping through my fingers
Tiptoeing out the door
Over clumsy feet I trip
Grip tighter than before

Faking your own feelings
Like a snake fakes their own death
It’s not enough to have your cake
You must bake and eat it in one breath

The feeling of being abandoned
Is the worse half of the deal
Seal your broken parts inside
As you use your haste to heal

Of drowning you’ll not speak one word
While out of brown eyes tears leak
Weak was never in your vocabulary
Hope your baby blues find what they seek

But I don’t think you will discover
The missing link you’re searching for
Though you might be on the brink
You’ll blink and end up on the floor

If I mattered to you at all
You wouldn’t leave me tattered
Pitter-pattering across the globe
Uncaring that my world has shattered

If ever there were a time for reflection
It would surely be this rhyme
Prime method of analysis
Verses that dip low and then climb

Never attaining solid answers
A conclusion I long to obtain
Abstaining from the obvious truth
Until I’m driven insane

And I crave the strength I hopelessly lack
To ***** my way out of denial
With no easy means to cope
Mope like a juvenile

Deeper into myself I withdraw
Surrounded by memories I keep
Yet reality creeps in like the tide
Reminding me these illusions are cheap

Darker and darker the days and nights grow
Light vanished from my universe
It would appear that you’re doing alright
Which makes the bite even worse

Sadder and scorned than I have ever been
The loss of you not properly mourned
Adorned with shades of gray and black
Delusions finally adjourned

Losing air as the epiphany hits
As I finally process old news
I wonder if you are amused by my reaction
How long it took my heart to bruise

You were quicker to let go
Owing me another chance
How dare you simply throw it away
With no mercy or a second glance?

Faster than a river rushing
You moved past the place I was stuck
I was foolish to believe we would last
Lines were cast in thick muck

Always ended sooner than promised
You wanted to go separate ways
Now I wander a maze of agony
Aimlessly meandering in a daze

So miserable it makes me sick
From the moment I awake
Quaking with uneasiness
Each bone and muscle aches

Yet I remain longing for your touch
Your face I will never forget
Somehow I let you get away
Life haunted by regret

I was remembering when we were new
Love was an uncharted land
Our time was spent navigating
Mapping bodies with both hands

And tough times built us mountains
To ensure we would grow strong
Standing solid through the struggle
You were my rock when things went wrong

All the lovely sleepless nights
Spent texting thoughts and fears
Were the beginning of our voyage
We were unwitting pioneers

Although the departure was scary
I knew I had no choice but to start
Despite the danger and risk of failure
Instincts said 'follow your heart'

So we decided to set sail together
Though neither had yet steered a ship
Our commitment and passion kept us above waves
The duration of our trip

When the water turned rough and choppy
We almost began to sink
On the paper used to draw our course
Temporarily ran out of ink

It was you who saved me from drowning
When I foolishly jumped off the boat
Abandoned our vessel in fear of shipwreck
With one oar you made us float

Forgiveness forged a way to shore
Filled the pen with tears and blood
So we could continue cartography
From the place the picture smudged

We have come a great distance since that day
But still have a lot left to explore
Though the diagram of our hearts is complete
Life is still showing us more

Thick woods
Green fields
Dry deserts of sand
Our feelings guide us through it all
Our graph gets larger as time passes
And harder for you I fall

The route we travelled was complex
There were easier by far
But the difficult terrain molded us
Into the people we now are

Our direction was not influenced
But entirely our own
I'd rather our tumultuous journey
Than a simple one alone

Because you are my final destination
No matter where our path may lead
Location is irrelevant
When your arms are the only home I need

I never knew our relationship
Would be the atlas discovered
But I hope you realize I'm grateful
For each millimeter uncovered

I can't explain the overwhelming attraction
The magnetism connecting us two
But from the moment we met one thing was certain
My soul's compass pointed straight to you

We all need something to help get us by
Whether you realize it or not
Some of us make the choice to get high
On methamphetamine
****** or ***

Even if just a little bit
Everyone has a vice
The unfortunate succumb to it
Wiser try only once or twice

Still others choose a different crutch
To aid them in their distress
Food
Work
*** and such
Are addictions nonetheless

We tangle pain with love and fear
The knot increases in size
Swallow it down and chase with a beer
Or drown it in exercise

Pour a drink made with clear liquor
Mixed with a dash of frustration
Anything to **** feelings quicker
Avoid any sensation

If we don't face the cause of our heartache
Problems will only get worse
Each day in this nightmare our lives are at stake
Each fall closer to the hearse

Once we accept that we need to change
We can forgive ourselves and heal
Freedom and peace are not out of range
If we stop running from what we feel

I know I pull nerves sometimes
Your stomach left feeling hollow
Chest rhythms identical
In your footsteps swear not to follow
A solid lump forms in throat
Weighing down heart
So fragile I experience pain
Cry even miles apart
I may not have gotten to select you
But I wouldn't have ever picked another
If death kills you hope you haunt me
Because I can't imagine life without my mother