23 rd December I'm sat waiting for the supermarket cafe to open outside Its absolutely raining cats and dogs which makes the anniversary of my wife's passing so much more difficult to deal with cold wet and miserable
the best way to describe the start to Christmas doesn't seem like It's Christmas at all just feels like another day Still waiting for my first coffee sat with Simply Having A Wonderful Christmas Time playing In my ears just doesn't feel right somehow almost a feeling of being false to be glad when It's all over get back to the real world
Outside raining cats and dogs artful day makes Christmas almost false dosen't feel real
I can feel the light touch of rain on my skin and the dripping of old raindrops into a flower *** my mind is void of the unpleasantness a smile is permanent on my face I feel my brain fog up with the fog that used to frighten me but I understand it now and the swaying of the trees the gray of the sky the birds that fly above me it’s beautiful breathtaking and saddening all at once.
I realize that this is how the world is to begin with a mix of all these feelings and pain and joy when all we want is just to be held to be loved to know that were important but under this endless sky all we feel is small.
saw her sitting on a bench, while reading "voyage au bout de la nuit", a cigarette between her tooth gap framed by red lipstick, a bottle of wine next to her, quietly humming a melody, her hair wilder than a man's dream, her fragrance Chanel N°5, the look in her eyes were longing for the saving shore, it was raining but she didn't even care, and so I knew Je t'admire
la femme que j'ai vue: the woman I saw "voyage au bout de la nuit": book by Louis-Ferdinand Céline Je t'admire: I admire you