I smile in the mirror
Trying not to cry.
I cannot comprehend
How my red eyes
And white teeth
Can coexist like this.
If only I could will
Myself to be happy.
I have to be happy
For the others.

So I grin
Because I read
Somewhere
That it could make
Me happy.

I’ve got a friend who has
Words like a drum,
Words like a drum,
Words like a drum.

You’ll feel it pass through you
With a heart-beating thrum,
Raindrops’ pitter patter echo
All she has done.

I’ve got a friend who has
Words that come down,
Heavy like leaden-footed
Giants abound.

She’ll take your breath away
And you’ll feel it in your bones,
It shakes down the mountains
Wherever she goes.

I’ve got a friend whose words
Land like a punch.
Staccato but it always hurts
Far too much.

She fights every battle
Like it’ll make her enough
For words filled with love
While hers are cold to the touch.

i meander at the
depths of rock bottom stumbling
upon newfound grace and
gratitude.

the spiking stone all around
is dull to the eyes but makes
the ever-blue sky
come alive.

when i reach up to
touch it, i know that
i am too small to caress
those faint cotton candy
wisps.

but in my dreams,
i greet the sunrise by
perching on the shoulders
of those who dare to rise
above.

I’ve already done my ten-thousand hours
Under the light of the moon and the sun.
”Self-made” contains its own divine power
In the minds of the Americana.

My bootstraps, I’ve pulled
Until they tore off.
I admit, I’ve been fooled
In this Land of the Lost.

And still yet they shout, at Forefather’s behest:
“Give it your all! And then give me the rest!”

People. Feel. Life. Time. Love. Hate. Day. Cold. Find. Lost. Good. Bad. Wrong. Write. Light. Dark. Heart. Mind. Eyes. Hear. Pain. Hope. Sun. Stars. Better. Afraid. Real. Thought. Help. Cry. Happy. Sad. Fire. Grow.

Perfect.

𝑯𝒖𝒎𝒂𝒏.

The light
And the dark
Right next to each other.

Human
and God
Right next to each other.

These are my words:
Contradiction after contradiction.

This is who I am:
Everything, nothing, everywhere, nowhere
All.
At.
Once.

“I laugh when I’m sad,”
I said.

And then
I giggled
Softly.

I lean into you
Just a little bit
To see if I can whisper
Without words,
Say it
Without a single utterance.

I do not think
That you got the message.

I do not blame you.

I can hardly crack the code, myself.

I think I actually
Hate this feeling.
You’re not supposed to
Make me nervous.
You’re not supposed to
Plant seeds in my mind,
Strange seeds that grow strange fruit.
Or, at least you didn’t used to.

I don’t know why I bother at all.

I never did say
That it was a good idea
Did I?

i don’t even know
what to say.
all i know
is that i want to say it.
i’ve got words inside—
i swear i do—
but i haven’t felt
enough to stir them
in a while.

i suppose there isn’t any
poetry lying within the cracks
of daily life
when every day
is the same.

“𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘵, 𝘔𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘢?”
“𝘖𝘣𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴.”

i don’t even know
what to say.
all i know
is that i want to say it.
i’ve got words inside—
i swear i do—
but i haven’t felt
enough to stir them
in a while.

i suppose there isn’t any
poetry lying within the cracks
of daily life
when every day
is the same.

“𝘐𝘵’𝘴 𝘢 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘥𝘢𝘺, 𝘪𝘴𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘵, 𝘔𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘢?”
“𝘖𝘣𝘫𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘺, 𝘺𝘦𝘴, 𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴.”

Remember the beauty
Of silence.

It’s not the words—
Not the melody.
It’s the spaces
In between.

Let it break
Every now and then.
When the chamber is empty
Don’t scream at the walls.

It
Will
Only
Echo
Back.

Barbed wire disguised as a sanctuary.
Decay in the comfort of a garden full of foxglove.
How long have I been sitting here?
Nightshade sure looks pretty
When it’s far away.

Oops, I edit
As I go,
I take a step
Then erase it.
It’s counterproductive,
Don’t I know,
But I see the flaw
Then I chase it.
It won’t go away
‘Til the mirror is shattered,
Whether or not
It actually matters.

So I’ll cut and I’ll add
I’ll rewrite, double back
Only hoping that you’ll
Love what’s left
In the end.

𝘔𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘳𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘶𝘴.
It always works,
Doesn’t it?

But beware
When you cross that line
And nobody knows
What is true anymore.

The bandwagon
Sure is prone
To crashing.

Hello yellow
Daffodil, as you scatter
Like the sun.
I see you spread
Your daylight ‘round
But still, your petals
Fall to the ground,
And I think to myself,
“I wish I were you,
I wish I were you but happy.”

You’re right—
I’m just making excuses.
Why am I so 𝘵𝘪𝘳𝘦𝘥
All of the time?

“You get more sleep
Than 99 percent
Of your friends,”
You said.

So doesn’t that mean
I am supposed to be
Happy?

“Be happy,”
I say to myself
In my head.

I am supposed to be
Fine.

But I am not,
And all I have left
Is excuses.

And yet,
Why do I look for more?

I want somebody
To tell me
That you are not right.

But I know you are.

She’s on top of the world
But she’s up there all alone.
She’s a goddess disguised
But her feet can’t find the ground
Anymore.

If you
Read her face you’ll see
The seasons never show.
Not new,
It’s a makeup routine for the ages
And no, no nobody knows the way
She’ll change into stone.

This is humanity.
It’s flying and falling and
𝘈𝘳𝘵.
When your heart swells
Like the sun emerging
From the sea.

This is humanity.
Looking at all the faces
And seeing behind their eyes.

𝘏𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘰,
I whisper,
𝘕𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘮𝘦𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶.

i have words inside of me
and i can’t say
any of them.
i don’t even know
what they are.
what happened to my voice?
it feels like it’s been a while
since i had something to say.
living underwater, living like a corpse.
i wake up and then go back to sleep
because “awake” is not “autopilot”.

why am i so tired?

𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘵𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘱𝘢𝘪𝘯

“Come on!”

The stepping stones
Warm your feet
When you land.
Clear, tinted blue
Flows past beneath them
Like a crystal sky.
Mischievous wind
Tickles my neck,
Blowing the hairs away.
Sweet rays settle
Like a blanket
Over my skin.

“Do you hear it now?”

I’m a glutton for attention.
For the mention
Of my name.
Please, just prove
My existence is real.
Say that I matter.
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳
Say that I matter!
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳

I. Don’t. Need. You.

But I do, I really  do.

Am I supposed
To be here?
This doesn’t feel—
This doesn’t feel—

real.

I’m sleep-walking
Through a lucid dream.
It’s so, so loud.

I don’t hear anything at all.

My mind is only
Television static.
Why can’t I—
Why can’t I—

𝘉𝘶𝘻𝘻.

𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘱.

As the aliens
Watch us, they say,
“What a fickle nature,
To fall in and out of love,
Like it’s a doorway:
An impossibly liminal space.”

I’m trying to write
About happy things
Because I no longer
Want to be sad.

The problem is,
The well runs dry
Whenever I run
Out of bad.

My pen doesn’t work,
It won’t write at all
Because the ink
Was made out of tears.

I have nothing to say
So maybe I’ll try
Again in a couple of years.

Bathed in the amber light
I watch these fields in slumber
Resting beneath scattered snow
As the music crescendos.

The mountains gleam in the distance
But every crevice and branch
Is coated in gold
Like a remnant of Midas’ touch.

Peace washes over me
A purifying, gentle force.
The sky’s tender blue
Kisses the horizon.

Don’t call me pretty.

I am not a delicate
Rose to be plucked
At your fleeting desire.

𝘕𝘰.

I am
Visceral
Venomous
Vibrant.

I am not a willow
Bending in the time
Of your gusts.
A pastel shade
Of pink, meant to be
Seen, but not noticed.

𝘕𝘰.

Don’t you realize?

𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦.

Got a
Weak mind
Weak heart
Weak fingers,
So I let it all
Slip right by
But still, sometimes
It lingers.

I am too rational
To fall apart completely
Like a crumbling leaf
In the autumn breeze
But here I am.
I am a piece of machinery
With a faulty circuit board
With a touchy circuit breaker.
Tiny signals
Trigger a robust response
Because anything larger
Exceeds my design limitations.

I feel like I should be crying.
But there wasn’t much
To cry about
In the first place.

The poetry
Claws at my rib cage
Like it’s a real cage.
Like it’s minimum wage
Come to pay up, pay a price.
It 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘴 like blood
Or bone.
It blooms like a flower
Then crashes like stone.
It flows out of my lips
Like music’s own bile—
Life’s a trial by fire
But this is fire by trial.

We are
Different fingers
Of the very same hand.
We are
Born pure,
Then forgotten.
I am the flowers
And the river.
Mother Nature—
What can I give her?
She is all I cannot be.
She is all I once was.
The children of men
Have twisted her personage
Until her portrait no longer
Is recognizable.
The children of men
Have twisted themselves—
Trains, cars, factories!
Nothing but awful galleries
Of memories, a eulogy
For the truth, the natural way.
And yet, it all runs through us.
Like our blood, and the breeze
And the sunlight’s dappled stream,
Like a rope, but not a chain,
Sustenance, our meat and grain.
It is One, and we are It.
We are One, and separate.

Poetry
Is our humble attempt
To describe
The indescribable.

We are miraculous.
Ropes of corded muscle
Intertwined—
A system so efficient
We have spent centuries
Attempting to imitate it.

We are
Astounding.
Life is a miracle
No robot
Can replace.

It was yes or no,
Black and white,
But I’ve grown
Into seeing the gray.
I realized that there
Is a sky full of stars
In between the night
And the day.

I was screaming.
It was like
Smashing my fists
Into a brick wall
Hoping it breaks.
I was screaming.
And you just kept driving
Like it was nothing
Like you did this
Every day.
I was screaming
And looking
At the speedometer
To see if you
Were speeding,
If you let this
Affect you at all.
You weren’t
And you didn’t.

I was screaming
And you didn’t hear a word.

I used to be able to
Sit at random tables
And introduce myself
Like it was nothing.

I used to have
Confidence.
Enough to stride
Into every situation
With optimism
And tenacity.

I’ve changed in many ways
Some good, some bad.
But this is one thing
I’d like to have back.

My dog
Can’t ever
Lay down properly.
He finds a spot
Only to leave it
And run in circles
Because nowhere ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I can’t ever
Love properly.
I find a person
Only to leave them
And run in circles
Because no one ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I’m made out of colors
Colored outside of the lines.
You say I’m a masterpiece
But I’m so unfinished.
So full of empty spaces.
But maybe
One day I won’t be.

Take a walk
Inside my head,
I’ll give you the grand tour!
Ignore the darkness
Skulking there
Behind those closed doors.
Don’t worry,
You’ll be safe and sound
My thoughts are quieter now.
They speed right past—
Now watch your step!
Once lost, you can’t be found.

Hope is when
The darkness persists
But the sun may rise
At any minute now.

It snaps in
With a sigh
Of relief.
Seems like
My mind was missing
A few puzzle pieces.

But you,
You fit right in.

I submerge myself
In the unreal.
I breathe it in
Pretending it’s air.

It fills my nose
My mouth
My lungs.
Too lost in ecstasy
To know I’m drowning.

And when I break
The surface
It sends pins and needles
Through my brain.

So I sink back
Slowly, just slowly
Letting it envelop me
The descent, a deadly comfort.

I inhale
All the words and the pages.
I consume
All the plots and the ink.
I require
The letters and spaces
Like oxygen that I need to breathe.
I exhale
My thoughts onto paper
So that they won’t ever die.
I release
My viscera into the water:
My soul caught up in each line.

I’ll be a seashell
Floating in the time of your tide.
Take me to places
I’ve never been.
I don’t care—
I’ll follow your waves.
I don’t have a direction,
Destination,
Home.
So grind me
Down
Down
Down
Pieces of me
Turned into sand.
I don’t care—
Toss me in your waters.

Lift me up
And let me fall.

𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉

Not worth the climb
Unless you’re scared of the fall.
Not worth the love
If you can lose it.
It doesn’t matter one bit
Because if you care at all
Deep down,
You must always choose it.

If you won’t miss
The one you adore
It’s limerence,
Infatuation,
Lust, not love.
If you can let it all slide
Between your fingers like sand
If there’s no ache when you say goodbye:

What’s it worth?
It’s not worth a dime, no time.
What’s it worth?
Nothing at all.
If it’s worth
Even a bit of your heart
Then it must leave a hole when it’s gone.

Your arm brushes
Against mine and a
Warmth slips between
Your fingers and
Shivers down my spine, I
Wonder if you’ve got any idea,
The effect you have on me.
I wonder if you realize
That you’re a living dream.

I can’t breathe,
Pressed down by the weight
Of meticulously staying
The same.

It’s a hammer
Coming down on me
It never stops.
A cycle, it never stops.

How can you stand it?
The mindless mundanity
Dragging us down in
A haze, eyes wide open.

“Hello, old friend.”
The lines in his face
are streams of white sand
Falling through the hourglass.
“It’s been a while.”
He says to me
But we both know
That he never left.
We walk together
On the worn path.
He holds my hand
Not in comfort,
But to drag me forward.
He’s a swift current.
He’s a companion,
Traveling by my side.
He’s an ocean,
The eternal and endless tide.

As I breathe out, you breathe in.
As I breathe in, you exhale
And I watch as the breeze
Sweeps past me,
Tickling my face and
Ruffling my hair like
A loving father.
You’ve watched me grow
Watched as I cried and you thundered
A cacophony of sobbing
And shared rivulets
Of trickling water.
You’ve watched as my heart
Grew colder while winter
Crept in like a chill burrows
Inside your bones.
Skeletal trees littered the streets.
But then,
But then you watched my eyes light up
In wonder of the snow drifting
Down, a gentle blanket resting
On the dead like a peaceful burial.
A solemn rest.
And when the sun held
On to the day like a lover
Reluctant to let go.
When the buds grew again
And the world woke up
From its enchanted sleep,
You watched me, you watched
As I stretched my arms
To meet the sky.
You watched me stand
Just tall enough
To graze the clouds.