I'm afraid of loneliness and people.

No matter how hard you try,
No matter how much you give,
You’ll never mean a **** to me,
You made your bed,
Now lay in it.
I love you.
Please tell me you miss me.

"horrible bird"
she called it
telling of how
she had watched
a crow pluck
and pry at
its weakened prey
while perched upon
the bird bath
outside her window
at the garden's edge
despite this sternest
of lessons
nature at its most fickle
she still sits
in her comfy chair
looking out
over a bank of flowers
buoyant in bloom
enjoying the sight
of wagtail
bunting and finch
alighting on the stone plinth
pompous and preening
refreshing themselves
admiring the plumage
of their reflection
before returning once more
to wing and wind

the old wives
say it must be
the left hind foot
of a rabbit
shot with a silver bullet
or not shot at all
simply captured
one way or another
ideally on the grave
of a criminal
the more wicked the person
the more potent the charm
with the foot harvested
while the poor creature
is still alive
it has to be done
in a cemetery
during the night
of a full
or new moon
though others say
it should be
a friday
a rainy friday
friday the thirteenth
if the foot is to become
one of those lucky ones

a man sits
at the bottom
of the steps
not blocking the path
but he cannot be missed
begging alms
from the myriad
who climb and descend
in droves
the cup he holds
is barely weighted
by the meagre amount
he has received
he patiently wishes goodwill
to all who pass
despite their lack of offerings
even though
the majority will ignore
purposefully averting their eyes
or apologetically decline
to part with
any lose change
instead saving their coins
to pay their entry
to marvel at
the gilded interior
of the church
whose teachings include
"love thy neighbour"

there are songs
in the anger
of the waves
upon the rocks
and the tearing
of the wind
through the long grass
in the plotting
of the clouds
gathering low
in the sky
and
in the droplets
whispering
upon the page

Why is it said
"falling in love"?
Should I be prepared to find myself in the ground for someone else?
Should we fly away from our own mind and see where we land?
I think it's a big contradiction.
Love is so sweet, but falling in love? That's bittersweet.
When I'm in love, everything is upside down.
I feel it in my stomach,
I feel like I'm falling into the sky.

My aunt asked how I felt
She asked after I broke up with him
I thought about it and sat there
Stumbling
Struggling to put my heavy thoughts into words

My head told me to do it
My head also spoke against the idea

My heart
The part of me which hurt the most
It said my choice was right
But screamed in pain
In the unbridled anguish of grief
Of loneliness
Of hurt

She asked if I still felt my choice was right
If I regretted it
Would I go back

Would I
If I could go back
Would I change this action
If I could go forward with him again
Would I...

Heart says yes
I hurt him
I could help
I could fix this

Fix what
Fix the temporary pain,
No,

Heart says no
This was right
This choice was right
It would not be good to go back now
Cause more pain, deter healing
What would it fix
Nothing

Head says yes
He was good to me
He loved me
I loved him
We were happy
Head says yes

Head says no
We had our differences
Our difference in religion
In region
I would have hurt him later
Our arrows didn't line up
I was fooling myself that they did
Blindly hoping to see change
Seeing change when none was there

With my head pulling my heart
Heart pulling my head
What was I to do but pray

you gave me love just to take it away
you gave me life so that i may die
and you gave me a heart just so i could be heartless
the life i have lived is not worth living
and it is so that i have died
but in death is rebirth
and in rebirth is death
every opposite has an attraction that governs its repulsion
and it is so i contradicted myself

when i had loved you were only my dark
because i thought inside you i could find a light
and even when i found it
i became lost in my conviction
devil and god
demon and angel
what is the difference but power
one to reign oblivion over life
one to comfort those in death
but in this world
can you tell who is who?

you gave me love just so i could feel it
you gave me life just to be numb
i loved all those that scorn me
as all those who scorn me are me
and i them

what is life beyond life
and what is death beyond death
as god so loved the devil
that he saw his own evil as good
and cast him unto himself
what is the devil but god
and what is the god but devil
these demons my guardian angels i feel found

why must i exist to exist i wish not to be
but that is why i am
we are made to go against and rebel against
but that is why we are made to subserve

A walking contradiction, craves intimacy, yet yearns for isolation.
Alone and crying for affection not received. Will they ever truly understand what they need can be given and received from themselves?


But flowers need sun, water, and love to grow🖤