i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m not person
i’m a gun
every problem
i make bigger
reminds me i 𝘢𝘮 one

i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m the stain on your white blouse
and everybody, everybody knows
i am the darkness in this house.

I am pulling weeds from the garden and I want to scream "there is nothing wrong with you there is nothing wrong with you there is nothing wrong you"
I am replacing you with something beautiful and hard to maintain because I value appearances more than growth
There is nothing wrong with dandelions i swear, please do not develop a complex, I just cannot love you unless someone else does
My father spent years weeding me and trust me it gets easier
it hurts less if you learn to hate yourself the same way
There is nothing wrong with you I just have to do this he is coming over later and he might remember he doesn't love me if he sees you here
There is nothing wrong with you but I will **** you still
Like my father
Commended for everything I grow in the wake of what I ****
There is nothing wrong with you I scream but I will throw you away and you will wonder what is wrong with you anyway
He told me I have room to grow before hugging me goodbye
There is nothing wrong with you he said
I just don't want you here

i am not
my mother’s daughter

she is horselike
she is free
she is constant and steady
she is strong

i am
          a rabbit
     i am

          scattered
     imprisoned

               trapped

          i freed myself
     i’ll never look back again

I think of the water
offered to me
when thirsty.

Scalding water during a drought.
I want to drown myself(.)
out but

there is no flood to submerge in.
Not feminine.
Not successful.
Not enough.

When I cannot
afford my mother kindness
I give her honesty.

This house is loveless.

i don't miss my parents like good daughter should
simply because i have always been too independent

but recently i have been imagining crawling into bed with mom
she would still hold me if i asked her to
as tightly as she would've years ago

i wonder if i should ask her
i wonder how i could hold back the tears that i feel welling up inside of me even now, miles and weeks away
how do i apologize for not asking sooner?
how could i ever make up for that?

does she know that i love her