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x Sep 9
i am a hopeless romantic
with suicidal antics
that cant seem to love herself

she cant seem to nudge herself
out of depressive episodes
but she has expressive goals
to fall in love

to call on love
for several favors
and she has several wagers
that "this one will be 'the one'"
that what ever is done
can be undone
and that she will be okay
because one day love will fix it all

she is a pathetic romantic
with an optimistic aesthetic
and a manic
personality
staring once more
into myself
dregs staring back
me, "nothing more
than a character"
then close, it follows
staring inside
from the outside
what do you see?

can't escape the
sum of my parts
smoke signals sent,
nothing returned
need to ask those burned
"should i burn myself"
hurting inside, toiling
the trivialities.

what's the good word?
i'm making sense
time wasn't lost,
the time was spent

every once in a while
i can act out certain scenes
in ways my words
could never say

my worst qualities crack the best of my plans
my worst qualities crack the best of my plans

there was a point,
the recent past,
this act had meant
feeling concrete
the cast has since
disappeared
let the pour pool
up here, set
around my feet.

my worst qualities crack the best of my plans
my worst qualities crack the best of all my plans

i'm split, i'm split, i'm split
ayb Aug 14
A pin dropped onto my carpet, but I thought it was a body hitting the floor,
ran to check the front door, stopped to watch the cars’ light show.
I found no danger but had to check again when I heard a voice two rooms and a floor away whisper,
“You don’t need to sleep;” it felt like a dream.
I laid back down. All the lullabies I sing when babysitting taste like caffeine.
I lie in bed, in between awake and asleep, somewhere between nightmares and reality.
The light switch won’t turn off, the sun is right in my eyes,
I thought sleep was supposed to come naturally.
Hello Daisies Jul 24
Reality breaks
Reality is fake
My heart is a pancake
Thick and crumbling
C
R
U
m
b
l
e

Afraid to feel
I can not heal
Life around me
Starts to peal
Leaving nothing but
Exposed flesh
OooozING

Lay me on the floor
It's my source of comfort
It's close to the earth
My only warmth
Keeps burying me
D
  O
    W
           N
           N
          N
            Never have I felt
  A sense of true comfort
My brain unravels
Either numb
Or sadness
Mixed with madness
Mad
     Mad
Mad    mad
Mad
Sad
It's buried so deep
Which reality is real
Can I really feel
Like I used to
Or was that a dream
Hmmmm
So it seams

I'm lost
In this dimension
Blue and gray
Swirling snow in May
Falling
Under water
Bubbling in my

Lungs

I'm too high strung
I'm too far gone
Everything feels wrong
Where do I belong
I keep singing the song
But I forgot the chorus
My brain tries to floor it
I out wore it
Now it's torn
R I P P E D to s hReDS
I'll get on my bed

And wait to be dead

Maybe then I'll find
Everything I left behind
Yvonne Nice Jul 12
How can it be so?
That only one can see the truth
And everyone else appears blind to my side?

It seems that only she can see the truth
The truth of the pain inflicted
Of the tears being choked down
Of the wincing at a voice
Of the horror of being tortured

And it seems that she recognizes it
That she is the one with sight
And so she defends me fiercely
With all her might

She is my guardian
With a voice that booms
And she'll try all her might
To protect me every single night

And she's told horrible things for it
She's told to shut up for speaking out against fear
She's told to never do it again
Because its horrid
Because it despicable
Because she's doing nothing but crying wolf
But we both know she's not
We both know the tyranny of terror at play
And we both know that we have each others back all the way

And though my throat may tighten at the sound of their footsteps
And my lungs seem to be riddled with holes when they shout horrid things at us
And my bruised muscles clench over murmurers of them
And my heart pounds at the slightest sight of them
And my brain aches when it realizes that to everyone else my pain is nothing more than a joke
I know I can rely on her for sanctuary
And she'll hand it over in abundance

She's always stands for me
Whenever it may be
And I love her more than any know
And I will always protect her the same she does for me
For she is my hidden guardian angel
Buried under a coat of star dotted night
Though you may not know it, your alliance has helped me more than you could ever know.
elizabeth Jul 8
i’m a dream, not a person. i am a literary figure, a figment of someone’s imagination. i look just like the woman in your head. i’m the girl you meet at the hardware store in a silk skirt and a shirt tied at the waist looking for paint. i’m the one you see at the bookstore between cookbooks and autobiographies who asks your opinion on ernest hemingway. i listen to all your favorite songs and your friends think of me as one of the guys. when you’re stressed i run my paint covered hands through your hair. my clumsiness is endearing. my laugh sounds like music and my mouth tastes like honey and fresh strawberries. i’m never angry and when i’m sad i’m not sad in the overwhelming way where tears soak my yellow blouse and i can’t breathe. no i’m sad in a gentle way with forlorn eyes but it passes the second i hear your voice. i drink my coffee black just like you and ******* if i’m not everything you ever wanted until you see the mascara flecks under my eyes and realize i never liked your music. i’m not a dream i’m a person and it’s too late for you to figure this out because you already have the image of me in a big house with a white fence waiting for you with homemade cinnamon rolls. but that’s not me i like my tiny apartment and to be honest i need sugar in my coffee otherwise it’s too bitter. i’m not the girl of your dreams. i’m not the woman you’ve been waiting for. i’m not here to change your life i’m here to change my own and i’ll be ****** if i let you and your made up ideas of me get in the way of it.
Bad Vibes Jun 13
5AM : The sky is waking up. I turn over across the blankets and tissues to face the sky. Calming shades of periwinkle and stone swirl out my window. Can I stay like this forever?

6:30AM : Alarm rings - time to get ready. My feet hit the floor reluctantly, but a triumph nonetheless. Vela swishes her tail against my leg and chirps a sweet, 'Good morning!' Can't I just spend the day curled up next to her?

7:30AM : These jeans will work. I've got my purse, don't need a lunch (because honestly I'm looking pudgy lately and I ate way too much last night), and I better get moving or I'll be late. Can't have that or I'll loose my job. Would it really be that bad to not have to work?

7:59AM : Do I have to go in?

8:10AM : I've been here 10 minutes and I already want to stop breathing more than usual. People smile at me and it's sweet but I just feel nothing but heaviness inside. My face feels weighed down by an invisible force and my head is throbbing. How much longer until 5 o'clock?

9AM : I've survived an hour, which to be honest is impressive. Nothing but irritation and eye rolls. Why did I even get out of bed?

11:59AM : Great. Lunchtime. I hope I can just speed by this. I don't want to eat - I feel sick thinking about it. Maybe if I just talk a lot and ask people questions no one will notice that I'm not eating. Who am I kidding, I'll end up finding something to eat anyway - I'm hungry. Why do I have to gain weight from food?

4PM : We're coming up on the finish line. I already know the exact things I will do the moment I walk in my front door - shoes off, bathroom, change into sweats, wash the oils off my face, fill up my water bottle, curl up under the covers, and sleep. Is the day over yet?

5:01PM : Finally. Make a beeline for the car and maybe no one will talk to me - I really just want to go home. I know I was supposed to go to the gym, but honestly I need to be home right now. Is there any traffic on the way back?

5:12PM : Do I have the courage to drive right off this bridge and finally let it be done?

5:25PM : Approaching my home I feel ready, ready to collapse into its embrace. Next I feel a heaviness stronger than this morning, like I'm being pulled toward my bed for comfort. I am so ready to be away from the world. How many more days do I have to do this?

5:27PM: Car doors locked. Walk up to the top floor because I should exercise - after all I skipped the gym. Shoes off. Bathroom. Change into sweats. Wash the oils off my face. Fill up my water bottle. Curl up under the covers. Can't sleep. Tears run down my emotionless face. I just don't want to do it anymore. How much longer do I have to hold out?

6:15PM : Absolute chaotic breakdown. I am a blubbering mess of a human, walking vigorously around my apartment in search of something although I'm not sure what. It's not even a thing I'm looking for, more like relief. Curling up, sobbing beside the couch praying for this to all end. Tortured and ready to die but lack the ability to make it happen. How does anyone love me when I am such a terror?

6:25PM : Exhausted. Finally calming down from a whirlwind of dementors. Still sobbing. Ready to collapse. How much longer can I take this?

6:45PM : The next few hours are just a roller coaster of being silently down and being an emotional ball of fury. It's exhausting. I'm exhausted. I'm ready to be done. How do I make it stop?

9:30 PM : Finally found a little bit of stable comfort in a new strange spot in my apartment. Yesterday it was at the end of the couch, today it's under my craft table. I gather my blankets, tissues, and water bottle to settle down for rest. Why are my mind, body, and soul so restless and depressed?

11:30PM : Still awake with an empty stare on my face. Numb from the stress of the last few hours and going over the events of the day. How many times did I want to die today? A shorter answer to a different question would be - how many times did I want to live today?

1AM : Maybe, just maybe... I won't see the sky wake up and I will finally be at peace. Is it all over yet?
Summer Dawn Jun 3
Whatever you were
going to assume,
assume the opposite.

Whatever you feel,
ask yourself if you'd
feel the same on a good day.

Whatever you think,
don't just think it twice,
think it four times over.

As far as your hopes go,
keep them high,
but prepare for a low.
Lydia May 11
Can I tell you a secret?
About when I’m manic
I’m actually a very happy person
Sometimes
When I’m up
I am high
I will make you love me
Love me like you would die without me
I’ll make you laugh until your abdomen hurts
I’ll sing as loud as I can
and dance around you in bliss
You’ll be left wondering how
“I’m unlike anyone else you’ve ever met”
I’ve heard this so many times
each time it makes me sick
because you love a phony
and I’m the one getting played
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