Am I supposed
To be here?
This doesn’t feel—
This doesn’t feel—

real.

I’m sleep-walking
Through a lucid dream.
It’s so, so loud.

I don’t hear anything at all.

My mind is only
Television static.
Why can’t I—
Why can’t I—

𝘉𝘶𝘻𝘻.

𝘉𝘦𝘦𝘱.

As the aliens
Watch us, they say,
“What a fickle nature,
To fall in and out of love,
Like it’s a doorway:
An impossibly liminal space.”

I’m trying to write
About happy things
Because I no longer
Want to be sad.

The problem is,
The well runs dry
Whenever I run
Out of bad.

My pen doesn’t work,
It won’t write at all
Because the ink
Was made out of tears.

I have nothing to say
So maybe I’ll try
Again in a couple of years.

Bathed in the amber light
I watch these fields in slumber
Resting beneath scattered snow
As the music crescendos.

The mountains gleam in the distance
But every crevice and branch
Is coated in gold
Like a remnant of Midas’ touch.

Peace washes over me
A purifying, gentle force.
The sky’s tender blue
Kisses the horizon.

Don’t call me pretty.

I am not a delicate
Rose to be plucked
At your fleeting desire.

𝘕𝘰.

I am
Visceral
Venomous
Vibrant.

I am not a willow
Bending in the time
Of your gusts.
A pastel shade
Of pink, meant to be
Seen, but not noticed.

𝘕𝘰.

Don’t you realize?

𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘴𝘱𝘢𝘤𝘦.

Got a
Weak mind
Weak heart
Weak fingers,
So I let it all
Slip right by
But still, sometimes
It lingers.

I am too rational
To fall apart completely
Like a crumbling leaf
In the autumn breeze
But here I am.
I am a piece of machinery
With a faulty circuit board
With a touchy circuit breaker.
Tiny signals
Trigger a robust response
Because anything larger
Exceeds my design limitations.

I feel like I should be crying.
But there wasn’t much
To cry about
In the first place.

The poetry
Claws at my rib cage
Like it’s a real cage.
Like it’s minimum wage
Come to pay up, pay a price.
It 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘴 like blood
Or bone.
It blooms like a flower
Then crashes like stone.
It flows out of my lips
Like music’s own bile—
Life’s a trial by fire
But this is fire by trial.

We are
Different fingers
Of the very same hand.
We are
Born pure,
Then forgotten.
I am the flowers
And the river.
Mother Nature—
What can I give her?
She is all I cannot be.
She is all I once was.
The children of men
Have twisted her personage
Until her portrait no longer
Is recognizable.
The children of men
Have twisted themselves—
Trains, cars, factories!
Nothing but awful galleries
Of memories, a eulogy
For the truth, the natural way.
And yet, it all runs through us.
Like our blood, and the breeze
And the sunlight’s dappled stream,
Like a rope, but not a chain,
Sustenance, our meat and grain.
It is One, and we are It.
We are One, and separate.

Poetry
Is our humble attempt
To describe
The indescribable.

We are miraculous.
Ropes of corded muscle
Intertwined—
A system so efficient
We have spent centuries
Attempting to imitate it.

We are
Astounding.
Life is a miracle
No robot
Can replace.

It was yes or no,
Black and white,
But I’ve grown
Into seeing the gray.
I realized that there
Is a sky full of stars
In between the night
And the day.

I was screaming.
It was like
Smashing my fists
Into a brick wall
Hoping it breaks.
I was screaming.
And you just kept driving
Like it was nothing
Like you did this
Every day.
I was screaming
And looking
At the speedometer
To see if you
Were speeding,
If you let this
Affect you at all.
You weren’t
And you didn’t.

I was screaming
And you didn’t hear a word.

I used to be able to
Sit at random tables
And introduce myself
Like it was nothing.

I used to have
Confidence.
Enough to stride
Into every situation
With optimism
And tenacity.

I’ve changed in many ways
Some good, some bad.
But this is one thing
I’d like to have back.

My dog
Can’t ever
Lay down properly.
He finds a spot
Only to leave it
And run in circles
Because nowhere ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I can’t ever
Love properly.
I find a person
Only to leave them
And run in circles
Because no one ever feels
Comfortable enough.

I’m made out of colors
Colored outside of the lines.
You say I’m a masterpiece
But I’m so unfinished.
So full of empty spaces.
But maybe
One day I won’t be.

Take a walk
Inside my head,
I’ll give you the grand tour!
Ignore the darkness
Skulking there
Behind those closed doors.
Don’t worry,
You’ll be safe and sound
My thoughts are quieter now.
They speed right past—
Now watch your step!
Once lost, you can’t be found.

Hope is when
The darkness persists
But the sun may rise
At any minute now.

It snaps in
With a sigh
Of relief.
Seems like
My mind was missing
A few puzzle pieces.

But you,
You fit right in.

I submerge myself
In the unreal.
I breathe it in
Pretending it’s air.

It fills my nose
My mouth
My lungs.
Too lost in ecstasy
To know I’m drowning.

And when I break
The surface
It sends pins and needles
Through my brain.

So I sink back
Slowly, just slowly
Letting it envelop me
The descent, a deadly comfort.

I inhale
All the words and the pages.
I consume
All the plots and the ink.
I require
The letters and spaces
Like oxygen that I need to breathe.
I exhale
My thoughts onto paper
So that they won’t ever die.
I release
My viscera into the water:
My soul caught up in each line.

I’ll be a seashell
Floating in the time of your tide.
Take me to places
I’ve never been.
I don’t care—
I’ll follow your waves.
I don’t have a direction,
Destination,
Home.
So grind me
Down
Down
Down
Pieces of me
Turned into sand.
I don’t care—
Toss me in your waters.

Lift me up
And let me fall.

𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉

Not worth the climb
Unless you’re scared of the fall.
Not worth the love
If you can lose it.
It doesn’t matter one bit
Because if you care at all
Deep down,
You must always choose it.

If you won’t miss
The one you adore
It’s limerence,
Infatuation,
Lust, not love.
If you can let it all slide
Between your fingers like sand
If there’s no ache when you say goodbye:

What’s it worth?
It’s not worth a dime, no time.
What’s it worth?
Nothing at all.
If it’s worth
Even a bit of your heart
Then it must leave a hole when it’s gone.

Your arm brushes
Against mine and a
Warmth slips between
Your fingers and
Shivers down my spine, I
Wonder if you’ve got any idea,
The effect you have on me.
I wonder if you realize
That you’re a living dream.

I can’t breathe,
Pressed down by the weight
Of meticulously staying
The same.

It’s a hammer
Coming down on me
It never stops.
A cycle, it never stops.

How can you stand it?
The mindless mundanity
Dragging us down in
A haze, eyes wide open.

“Hello, old friend.”
The lines in his face
are streams of white sand
Falling through the hourglass.
“It’s been a while.”
He says to me
But we both know
That he never left.
We walk together
On the worn path.
He holds my hand
Not in comfort,
But to drag me forward.
He’s a swift current.
He’s a companion,
Traveling by my side.
He’s an ocean,
The eternal and endless tide.

As I breathe out, you breathe in.
As I breathe in, you exhale
And I watch as the breeze
Sweeps past me,
Tickling my face and
Ruffling my hair like
A loving father.
You’ve watched me grow
Watched as I cried and you thundered
A cacophony of sobbing
And shared rivulets
Of trickling water.
You’ve watched as my heart
Grew colder while winter
Crept in like a chill burrows
Inside your bones.
Skeletal trees littered the streets.
But then,
But then you watched my eyes light up
In wonder of the snow drifting
Down, a gentle blanket resting
On the dead like a peaceful burial.
A solemn rest.
And when the sun held
On to the day like a lover
Reluctant to let go.
When the buds grew again
And the world woke up
From its enchanted sleep,
You watched me, you watched
As I stretched my arms
To meet the sky.
You watched me stand
Just tall enough
To graze the clouds.

𝘞𝘩𝘰𝘰𝘴𝘩
I sigh as I breathe again,
Finally, I finally
Made it out.
Made it through.
The storm’s behind me
And even if
I see another one brew
I know
I 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 what I can do.
That I can do
Everything.

It’s like a stone
Being added
To the weight
On your back
And then
And then it just breaks.

It’s like when
As a kid
You would wave
Around the bubble wand
And watch it stretch
And strain
And then
And then it just pops.

It’s like running
Until you can’t anymore
Until you’re on
The side of the road
And you can’t breathe
Because knives
Are slicing
Into your lungs.

It’s laying on your bed
Never wanting to get up.

It’s this.

I am surprised
That I
Don’t make whirring sounds
Like a computer come to life
Because I
Didn’t see my life
Flash before my eyes
When we crashed and
I haven’t cried
At all and I know
That I should’ve that I should’ve that I should’ve
Been scared but I just can’t feel
Anything and that scares me
Most of all.

𝘐’𝘮 𝘤𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘴𝘴
𝘓𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘮𝘢𝘯
𝘊𝘭𝘢𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘦𝘺𝘦𝘴
𝘈𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘴
𝘈𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥
𝙎𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘪𝘦𝘤𝘦𝘴.

In the past
People used my past to control me
But I’m past that so I smack back  
What they told me.
Try to hold me back
But you can’t tack a label
On a fable, I’m a legend
Even if you say I’m unstable.
If in competition, they done lost to me
Take a shot at me, you intelligence apostasy.

Mockingly, they call me an oddity
Probably a product of my comedy
Step back, laugh, then step on me,
See, free entertainment for the public glee!
“Gee, why the negativity?” they say to me
But I am not listening, glistening
In my eyes, but it ain’t tears
Fears, I forgot ‘em, buried ‘em last year.

I’d tear myself apart
Just to figure out what’s inside
Am I
Out of my mind?

Can I
Take it back
Cover my cracks
And be anew?
Can I
Rewrite my song
And just belong
To who I wish to be?

If I changed all my choices
Back from when I used to be young
Who would I become?

I’m not sure I want to be who
I am, right now.
If I fall, should I stay down?

Fall, then fill it with gold
I say, fall, then fill it with gold
I say, fall, then fill it with gold
Not cracks, just beautiful.

Yes, I
Can take it back
Forgive my cracks
And be anew.
Oh, I’ll
Rewrite my song
And just belong
To who I wish to be.

To who I will soon be.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

I know it’s after hours
But I’ve stared in the mirror
For hours
And I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

The problems fade away
When you face away from them
For a little while.

I don’t wanna go home
But I can’t stay here.

When there is nowhere to go,
Nowhere to hide,
You will find
That your problems find you.

When the floating moment passes
Everything crashes down.
A second, a millisecond, a microsecond
It’s short and long and short once more.

Nobody expects the end.
But we know it is coming
Because it always does.

The wind whispers to me:

𝑔𝑜𝑜𝒹𝒷𝓎𝑒

clear your heart
and follow your mind
turn impossibilities
into things you can feel inside
clear your heart
and meet my eyes
even when your wings get heavy
you will find a way to fly

Terribly
Terribly hot
“…No way…”
“…today was really…”
“..every day…”
“…she’s been acting so…”
The conversations
Blend and babble
Around me like
A brook and the bird-calls
In the mountain green
The leather seat
Sticks to my skin like glue
I bobble and bounce and I
ACK! Gosh **** turns!

If I dare
To let go
I release
My control
And I can’t
Be here alone
With volatile
Sticks and stones.

If I dare
To be free
Then I’ll have
No more of me
Because shackles cold
And leashes gold
Are better than
The days of old.

I don’t hate you.

I’m just reticent.

Reluctant to share where
This hesitation came from
But I swear I care,
I swear I care.

It doesn’t make sense,
This reticence is like barbed wire fence
Around my heart so when
You try to touch it h u r t s.

𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘵’𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘧𝘢𝘶𝘭𝘵 𝘐 𝘴𝘸𝘦𝘢𝘳-

i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m not person
i’m a gun
every problem
i make bigger
reminds me i 𝘢𝘮 one

i’m not a daughter
i’m a trigger
i’m the stain on your white blouse
and everybody, everybody knows
i am the darkness in this house.

The shadows
Creep up.

I should be sleeping.
The comforter is not comforting
At all.

𝘛𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱
But the harder I try the more that my mind
𝑹𝒂𝒄𝒆𝒔.

𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘧𝘧𝘰𝘳𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘐’𝘮 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘦𝘥…

It is quiet
It is 𝘲 𝘶 𝘪 𝘦 𝘵 and I cannot fight it
I stare the sandy void
In its 𝘦 𝘺 𝘦 𝘴 and I
And I
And I 𝘴 𝘤 𝘳 𝘦 𝘢 𝘮
At the endless dunes
The grit in my face and my teeth and my hair and I
And I
And I wait for a boon but it’s not coming soon
Who knew that the moon looks like a cartoon
When you 𝘨 𝘢 𝘻 𝘦 at it too long
I could write a song
About it but I’ve ran out of music
Choose it, I would have to choose it
But I can’t make decisions when I have this incision
Visions, they cut with surgical precision
The wind 𝘩 𝘰 𝘸 𝘭 𝘴 at me so I 𝘩 𝘰 𝘸 𝘭 back
And I’ve lost track
Of where I am
Of who I am
But I still
I still
I still must 𝘴 𝘵 𝘢 𝘳 𝘦 the void in its eyes…

Oh, but it’s just another desert night.

I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

But you do.

When I’m around you,
When I’m 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 to you,
All the doubts disappear.

But when it’s just me
I worry, 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘳𝘺, 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒓𝒚
That I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 you,
I’ll 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘵 you,
Because you thought
That we were made of steel.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that our chances are 𝘭𝘰𝘸
Of being high-school sweethearts
That make it to the other side.

You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that when I think of our 𝘧𝘶𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦,
We part ways and come back again.
You don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 that I think steel melts
And then can be reforged.

I don’t 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 if I want you to.

I feel so 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦 sometimes,
But I swear you’re even more 𝘯𝘢𝘪𝘷𝘦
Than me.

I want to protect you.

But I don’t believe in the 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺
Of love, of teenage love.

I don’t believe in 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.

But I believe in 𝒖𝒔.

I spill over my skin
So messy, so messy
I am a puddle
You are a stone.

As you 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒔𝒉
Into me,
It ripples my entire
𝒇𝒂𝒃𝒓𝒊𝒄 𝖔𝖋 𝕓𝕖𝕚𝕟𝕘
All while you can’t
𝓕𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓪 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰

I crave affirmation
I live off of praise
Why do I need this?
Is it my fate?
“You just want attention!”
That’s what I’ve been told again and again…

Maybe they’re right.
Maybe they’re not.
Maybe I just can’t be alone with my thoughts.

i sit next to you
and we are silent and
i am scared but
you are more scared than
i am and when i
look at your eyes i
see a burning man
being stabbed from the
inside out and
i do not know what to say
because some things are
just not built for poems and
this is one of them.

I’m not here
All the way so I
𝑷𝒊𝒏𝒄𝒉 my skin
Between my nails to
Try and 𝒇𝒆𝒆𝒍 something but it’s
Like 𝒌𝒊𝒄𝒌𝒊𝒏𝒈 a stone and
𝑾𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 if the rock 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔.

W̳ell I guess my
E̳xistence is just a collection of pride
A̳nd failures that I cannot
K̳eep tolerating

D̳o you
E̳ver just
A̳ccidentally
D̳issociate so
E̳verything
Y̳ou see
E̳scapes
S̳ight?

Your voices sing their song
This moment feels so right it’s wrong
Or maybe just surprising
I can feel it rising
That emotion:

Feeling that I belong.