There's a silence
my senses aren't familiar with
but not one in defiance
less a silence, maybe more a bliss

You must know
all I've met were loud
creatures of big words, a big show
and so very proud

Of this quietness I know so little
all that shouting, felt like I had to go through with it
always finding myself in the middle
deafening noises in an endless pit

There's a silence
though I adore it I never wore it
quite as well as I could have
But now I sense an alliance
within this noiseless place in which we sit

Almost felt offended by the lack of words
but I make peace eventually, realizing
not silence but the emptiness of noise is what hurts
and though this silence still at times feels paralyzing

I know now more of honesty
no glass words to see through
an impeccable decency
is what I want to believe is true

There's a silence,
which is a calmness,
that makes me feel safe
from the mess

Almost
found a hope that prevails
reaching for me under a starlit tent
Almost
built a boat that sails
across all oceans as they bend
Almost
filled my book with tales
an anthology of moments I didn't attend

Almost
what a terrible word
holding such a stinging truth
Almost
felt like it's all worth the hurt
while wasting years of restless youth
Almost
called out and haven't been unheard
found something I couldn't lose


Almost
thought any path would get me there
where wholesomeness is not just hearsay
Almost
kept a fire in sight that brought me to where
I would find the light of day
Almost
made them proud of me, made them care
made them listen to what I had to say

And now
from where I stand
a lyrical sadness
paper in my hand
I know this is true
                                                            ­             I can almost see you

Let me die
in a battle
with sharpened metal
As I put down my weapon of distance
til now a bow has always been my choice of resistance

Or
let me be an animal
tearing flesh from my enemy
with sharpened teeth
the breaking of bones
skin tightens, body crumbles underneath
I'll go back to stick and stones
Bleeding til I'm dry
finally feeling terribly alive
before I end and die

But before
let me run
with wolves across these snowy hills
let me paint in red
in the heat of the midday sun
let me be the whale close to the shore
til the hunters come to get their kills
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end and die

But until then
let me be courageous
let me be poison and contagious
like a venomous reptile
trying to survive me will be futile
I'll take all those who lay their hands on me
with me into agony
finally understanding the beauty
of life and death
I will show my natural fury
and never again be silent nor deaf
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end and die

Wild and burning in life's fire
insight will come as my flames grow taller
And I know only in the wilderness
I won't be doomed as a pariah
Only there I can find the truth
and there is none to confess
As I bleed and live another day
far away
from human's self-glorifying mess
Bleeding til I'm dry
before I end
and
die

Make sense of me
Unwind me

       Define me
       Don't decline me

                         See through
                         Make due

          Find me
          Don't bind me

                               Shake me
                               Don't fake for me

               Feel me
               Don't kneel for me

                                   Make sure
                                   Take me pure

         Don't hesitate
         I won't separate

                        

        
         I've come to evolve
                                                                                

                                                                             Don't let me dissolve

I realize that
survival isn't
blowing out all my candles
so someone else can be my light

Lighthouse shine a light for me
in these dark times it is hard to see
will you shine a light so I might be
(some day)
found

Meaning got lost in the rubble
trust has only brought me trouble
People hiding inside their bubble
(seems like we are all)
bound

Fires would you burn
I got lost after taking the last turn
what is there to find, what is to learn
(we feel like being, being)
drowned

Please, show me a way
it is hard to go, so much harder to stay
I walk, I halt, I run, I stray
(everything's loud but I make no)
sound

Lighthouse, my castle of warmth
how I miss your steady arms
and your happy, glowing charms
(how is seeing you in the distance so)
profound

Like ancient kings and queens
of a wisdom that redeems
though never knowing what it all really means
(in uncertainty, lonely, in melancholy once again)
crowned

I noticed that my veins are blue
maybe that's the reason why
my insides have no clue
and my hands keep reaching out while I cry

over and over and
over
in an instant
silent
again
already
really?

I think this time I broke a record
how fast can you lose?
All those poems, while may be deep, still seem to fall short
and the right thoughts I easily diffuse
For

an answer
a clear head
a simple feeling
a loveable thread

Yeah, that is maybe
what I want exactly
for you to threaten me
with pure intensity

Where do all those empties come from anway?
Am I so full that I count for two
And only the shallows look my way,
are you one of them, too?

I know some things about dirt
I shed my feathers many times just like a bird

Daring
Always daring
never preparing
for the fall
I fly
bold with a certain confidence
but so very shy
hold a truth to obedience
when the voice tells me to abide
holding evidence of bloodlust at night

Maybe not a bird then
but a bat when
feeling a strong hunger
for your crimson liquor
in the dark I reach out to my monger
won't you be my cherry picker
I'll draw the night out and make the darkness stay longer
I'll bite you and make your blood run thicker

Yes
See me still hiding a diffidence
under this bold confidence
But I'm not about pretense
bird and bat, all the same
I feel so very tense
as it seems either I can tame
Though I don't need defense
and as you will see, I got no shame

Can I come a little bit closer?
Like this?
That's okay?
I know I'm such a poser.
Feeling more like a loser.

Is it alright if I say this?
Too much?
Too soon?
Can't believe I already miss
your company when I'm supposed to be in his

Arms, strong enough to hold me
but what if I need softness to be
the strength I'm holding on to; she
gives me something more to see
in darkened eyes great honesty

I'll keep your words with great pride
Show yourself to me, don't hide
Let me stay a bit longer                                                    by your side.

I see them come
I see them go
Hope fails,
and it fails again, so?

What else to do
but to feel content
with every arrival
there's goodness to attend
to an end

An end
that surely leaves you
utterly lonely, maybe sad
and a bit changed too

Probably scary
that's usually how it goes
these things were never simple
you carry a bunch of "if so's"

Just go
just be you
they'll see
everyone did see you
one day they might know who

I shut my eyes
to a world of fire
I drink and I roll the dice
I say make me forget that I feel dire

Come and be close
push against my spine
let my willingness arose
let my vines intwine
your wholesomeness, my overdose
let's become the fine line

Between ecstasy
and that
which is not meant to be
I fed
on you like on a juicy dragon fruit
Reach into what the wild one brings
our senses sharp and acute
I spread my wings

Turn each other into creatures of the flame
my hands how they claw at your skin
don't hesitate, there's nothing to tame
and nothing this true could ever be a sin

Life, the big distraction
How it weaves around all that lies deep within
It's all but one fraction
and this fraction in itself to life feels like a sin

The emptiness.
We all know of it
To our yearning, its empress
Nothing ever seems to fit
Right where emptiness sits
in its grand old throne room

A loneliness.
Both residing in these enormous halls
with nothing there to impress
Even they can't keep each other company
for they're one and the same
only wearing anothers name

I listen to my favorite song
Let me read this book that's been sitting on my shelf for so long
Maybe I'll go and buy these flowers I saw the other day
Wouldn't they look just lovely in my living room, I say
how sweet, how good, all is well
in this calming simplicity I dwell
til the sin seeps through:

only a distraction;
nothing will ever fill nor forever keep what it hides
the room where empress emptiness resides

Traveling through an ocean-like space
I'm breaking like the waves
I arrive and crush on your shores
crawl into each and every pore
I dissolve into foam
which follows a storm
The storm becomes me
I rage over rock and tree
Devastation as I take
make room for renewal and remake

I brush away home and town
these empty houses, I tear them down
no place left to hide for the hunger
shall these demons come so I can pull them under
Make them eat the dirt they keep feeding to you and me
I will make them swallow and suffocate their glee
And when darkness comes I will be thunder
lightening the sky and breaking it asunder
And through this opening you will descend
everything that has been broken you can mend

Don't despair, love, take pride in me
The force of nature you clearly see
Believe in this inner symbiosis
Create your own apotheosis
Everything is well
Even in these dark times in which you dwell
This nature will never leave you
nor will it ever betray what is true
See through the eyes of your keeper
even when you think you can't sink deeper

What you are you shall hold dear
and walk this blackness without fear
Whatever wounds you carry away from this tourney
it's worth every step of this journey
Fight until your blood runs dry
pick up your worth again and again until you die
no need to run, no need to hurry
believe in your nature and don't worry
Sleep will come eventually
until then rage against life's brevity

You stand unbowed and unbroken by your ache
and leave life in your wake

Is it wrong to feel
it all unfold
to want my tongue to peel
off the words that have been foretold
to let my chest burst open
feel the nectar of flowers all find their place within
My body's nothing more than a token
caught in darkness for far too long my lively swarm has been

And oh, the misery
I can't let them out
The only bliss, you see
is when the humming isn't so loud
But today my ears can't take the noise
my body aches, its been holding and breaking
I thought somewhere in all that buzzing I heard a voice
But I'm afraid I'm just anothers nest in the making

In my dreams I see my bees leaving
they all fly away
and I can't blame the spider for weaving
turning this hive into her own flowery array
Soon this place might as well be forgotten
for I know nothing about actual flowers
and they will all be rotten
and there over my lost mind an old tree towers

This tree will be my grave
I shall be buried alive
til something may save
the leftovers of my overgrown heart, this bee hive

When I met her
I was in a dark place
She made me feel better
alone with her I felt safe

When I met her
I fell in love easily
Me and her alone
protecting me in isolation furiously

Her's was the fear
but I knew why I had to be scared
the danger was clear
I wasn't meant to be shared

But hidden in front of everyone's eyes
better still behind closed doors
safe and sound and internally screaming
my lively body lying dead on barren floors

When I met her
to love her felt so right
easier yet but to walk amongst strangers
simpler yet to swallow all forsaken pride

Since I realized that I loved her wrong
that I only grew fond of her protection
I started taking her out on walks
I've written her a heartfelt song

"I love you dear,
you are my fearful guardian
and I thank you for reminding me
to keep an open eye, to always look for the hidden scorpion
Let me find comfort in you
when I know being terrified
makes less a fool out of me
but only a soul less traveled, barely petrified.

In my way of loving,
let me find my kind of freedom
I don't need you solving

Anxiety. "

A home is a home is a home
it's a place, it's a haven, it's a heart
my head, a heavy tome
but here, my pages, they easily part

A feeling is a feeling is a feeling
of belonging, of caring, of staying
here, my mind felt ease, I'm simply being
my body speaks tired, here, I'm not afraid of swaying

A lover is a lover is a lover
for I'm well fed, for I'm blanket-covered, for I'm hot-showered,
I'm being shared, my lover and my bed, and I'm undercover,
I do as I please, I'm undaunted or a coward

A house is a house is a house
sometimes old and weary, cold and eerie, sole and leery
it breathes in and out, familiar rhythm, one with my mouth
My home gives me the feeling that there's a lover in the house, here I saw ice being fiery

Decisions
         made
  I don't believe in
         fate
  everything is subjective
  even hearts have their own perspective

  You gave me an
         essay
  of things that
         may
  be the transparent you
  let's be risible true

  Am I visible to
         you
  are my hands reachable
         too?
  Is my brain a beautiful mess
  Anything else to confess?

         No.

  It's all a little
         so and so
  Nothing to be ashamed of
  Even if there will be love

  Yeah,
         uncertainty
  can be quite
         heavy

  But that's okay
  I might as well stay
  
  for a little bit longer. Or more.

I am content
with thy firmament
In silence I hold my lament
My fear is my strength
it unfolds to earths length
Beyond what my eyes may see
I lay my trusty words upon thee
Home is far from blinded sight
A life hidden in a darkened night
There we fell into closeness
An abundance of things to confess
In simple wholesomeness we linger
Til I can reach thy lips with my finger

I am content
with thy firmament
the same one it will be
when we look up we'll see

Who am I to keep you
from taking chances
stealing glances

Believe me when I say
I don't want to slow you down
by no means make you lose your crown

Quite the opposite it's true
I want you to hold this smile
for which I'd walk the extra mile

Simply what I'd love to have
is you to let me stand close to you
and maybe let me hold your hand then too

The only thing that troubles my mind
is not knowing if you want to share
your good life with me and if you think I'm worth the dare

Am I?

I sell my soul
for a pre-made bed
I give myself whole
for a sleeping spot in your head

I give my blood
for sacrifical purposes
I crawl through mud
til I no longer feel the worthlessness

I shed my fears
and all my dark feathers too
I spill them like tears
They fall of my leafs like new day dew

I pull out all my flowers
and plant them close to you
they will grow and become towers
which can only hold things that are true

And as my demons come for my lungs and liver
my hive heart will send all my bees
so these towers never wither
and this love never leaves

Since I already knew
I'd die of a broken heart
I made preperations
treating my death like art

Stop worrying
I took care of everything
the guests and the burying
even ordered flowers in early spring

Overly emotional
strangely proportional
partly suboptimal
highly improbable

Easily
devided
by truth and anger
and all that subsided

I'm trying
I'm hiding
Bad at denying
I need to feel
I need to scream
mostly defying
the urge to break
the urge to destroy
to disappear, to dissolve
I might be lying

To myself
to myself
My need for leaving or staying
is always unmet
with internal bleeding
my thoughts are paying
and these monsters
in my head
keep eating
Did I really put them there
myself?
Or did it happen back
when I was twelve?

I hear you
but your breath is so cold
I wanted to believe
in anything but you
But I think we got too old
and the house
my heart grew in
has long been sold

And when I'm drinking
you get angry
but what should I do?
My thoughts feel so scattered
and you can't pull me through

I'm trying
I'm fighting
Bad at denying
I need to feel
I need to dream
mostly defying
the urge to fake
the urge to decoy
to reappear, to resolve
I might be lying

to myself

I'm a hopeless dreamer
A full-blown love-believer
An apologetic oversharer
Might as well give you my preprinted waiver

But I don't need anything
from this funny little human thing
you call a heart and stand tall
Non-believers can't get through my make-believe wall

And you're the biggest one of them all
Push and pull, careful, you might be the one to fall
Never heard of "we reap what we sow"?
Your love was only a glancing blow.

I am               Tired
                         dreaming

I heard             Silent
                            screaming

I saw                Something
                            gleaming

I am                 Self
                            redeeming

It seems           Quite
                            revealing

My insides       Somewhere
                            healing

Maybe              Even
                            believing

                                                          In you.

Your awkwardness is infectious
These words can never really catch us
Would you say I'm making a fuss

Maybe this is normal
you just can't help but being formal
I know all of this seems quite suboptimal

But you know
I didn't think of this like a great show
Are we still going with the flow

I don't know what to tell you
if we both agree on this how could we be through
My thoughts are always overflowing, your words are few

So is it okay if you maybe
phrase your intentions more clearly
all I want is to talk with you freely

Like we talked when we saw
each other with loving awe
and being open and true was the law

I sharpen my knife,
I stab my own heart
to see if what comes out
is yours or mine

My chest's a hive
bees feast, my flesh to part
the buzzing, a silence so loud
from my blood they make honey wine

I spill it
I speak in tongues
rest upon my honey womb
my nature's a slave to all that you do

In my palms and shapes you shall fit
breathe deeply through my lungs
let me sleep in the silence of your tomb
my nature's turning pure in you

In the blink of an eye
I lost myself
I said goodbye
I turned my head and went
I turned it again and again.
Til it send
all my past selves to fly with the wind
By the morning I was born anew
And yesterday had sinned
I left my old clothes on the windowsill
I might pick them up and fly right out
One day, yes, first I'll climb this hill
Get all the way on top of it
with feet sore of rocky walks
with shoes that never really fit
I'll get up there just to see
to find there is
another me
And maybe here I'll find
life is not what life once was
it's really all a state of mind

No better place but inside my dream
to leave the world and it's endless scheme
my fingers tracing violet mountains
that turn into illustrious fountains
of things I want to do with you
if you and I could ever follow us through

I wonder where I'd start my journey
Give the starting signal for our particular tourney
Getting into delicate positions
movement in passion my only mission

Sensuality comes easily
I want you to lean into me
let's be a little bit sentimental
no words needed when we become intrumental

In my dreams we hold on tight
to the endless possibilities of a night
under a cold and steady moon
Goodnight love, we'll see each other soon.

I want
my heart on a platter
so I can see the ins and outs
Want the act to matter
See it mirrored, my mouth, it shouts

Feels like
standing in front of the mic
singing of losing track of time
remembering this certain chime

Means I
don't really know how to defy
feeling lost in the rubble
of uncertainties and trouble

I hide
behind buckets full of the tide
I filled when the ocean didn't look
all I could see I took

I keep
time in a place safe and deep
live inside a moonlit jar
an ocean filled reservoir
read my own memoir
and said au revoir

You're trying to see
what it is she makes of thee
Flesh always burning
Bones always shaking
Head's always turning
to see many eyes waking

This bee hive heart is beating
dripping with golden excitement
watch wings stripping, flight of perceiving
she's reckless with incitement
Brain's buzzing
from all the lusting

What have you done
Lord of crimson?
Where do you want her to put all these dreams?
She's near, her slender feet walk on
Her newly sharpened tongue knows of no fears

Neither young nor old
either shy or bold
of this golden crowned goddess you shall behold
in your dreams she eats you whole,
that's what's been told

Can someone please stop me from pouring,
out, and out
I'm afraid I might be emptied soon from crying out,
loud, so loud

Please let me find some peace of mind,
self, myself
Let me put this thing off, put it on the furthest,
shelf, rusted shelf

I'm so tired, so worn out,
letting, always letting
My veins are bruised from all of it,
fretting, all the fretting

Aren't you fed yet?
from the blood, so much blood
It starts to become one with
the mud, grey thick mud

I'm fed up with your decency,
irony, oh the irony
Full and fat of life's endless travesty
tragedy, it's a tragedy

Let me out of lying honesty,
don't talk to me, don't talk
I'm sick and tired of this car,
I rather walk, I will walk

I'll get somewhere eventually,
probably, mh, surely
Or maybe I'll get hit by one again on my way there,
pleasant thought, purely