"There's this dance
That I've memorised"
Whispers a voice by my side
Pulling me along
Twirling me to her foreside
"Should I show you it?"
The crease between my brows,
Fingers tracing my cheek
Down to my hand
Eyes closed, she pulls me forward
Steps not unfamiliar,
The warmth on my skin
Slowly fades, no more than
A distant memory
The words echo in my ears
Dimming to a loud buzz
"Thank you for the dance."
A laughing mirror for fun house
The warped faces are so so loud
The gunshot of living without noise
A prayer fills my ears
A ****** waitress was my fear
I know it’s better without life
I wouldn’t change a thing
My fingers dig down inverted
Into soft ground
Do you ever feel so overwhelmed that every nerve in your body tightens? Just so angry and anxious that you want to shake the dirt off of every fiber of your being. Crank up the volume in the car till your eardrums vibrate and only hear one constant, extremely loud noise. Clutch the steering wheel, speeding down the highway, eyes darting to the metal side rail, battling the urge to slam into it and flip your car.
How do I fix this? How do I avoid feeling this way from the beginning? It's the smallest things that set this off and it's absolutely suffocating - like a building on your chest, gasping for air. I think being reckless and overloading the senses helps. Sure it can really hurt you, but in that moment, nothing is okay. I just want it all to shut up - all the thoughts running through my head, all the emotions bubbling up. I just want peace. If that means shaking loose all the parts of my brain and filling that adrenaline by speeding down the highway - then so be it.
In a world of
You were my
The silence hurts less than this.
The loneliness consumes me.
I feel numb, empty.
What have I done?
I should know better.
I didn't think this through.
They won't stop.
I can't stop.
It doesn't matter.
I die some more.
I probably deserve this.
What about me?
Shut them out.
It's not so bad when I close my eyes.
But I can't keep my eyes closed for long.
They'd get worried.
My brain chemicals I can't confess
Large bodies of people I detest.
It only happens when I'm with them.
I never feel this way by myself.
I only feel lonely with them
I can never be alone and lonely.
I think I should write in first person more.
How did I become inaudible?
It's really loud in my head.
I want to stop feeling the images.
I want to stop hearing what you said.
I want to stop being a shadow.
I want to wake up from the dead.
How did I become invisible?
Is that why I can't see straight ahead?
How did I become inaudible?
When it's really loud in my head.
but the truth is, I am mute.
Can I be deaf instead?
In the bustling city with cars honking
and sirens wailing, people shouting
and bottles breaking. Where the
lights pollute the air every night
and I wake up at three am
wondering if it’s morning,
or just another broken night:
I still hear you.
In late winter when the snow falls
silently, and the sun lingers
in the sky, lifelessly. When the
nights drag on and days are short
enough to make me wonder
why I keep getting up
before the darkness is filled:
I still see you.
In sorrow that surrounds my thoughts
as they collapse in on themselves,
I wonder what I did to deserve
someone who will pick me up
and hold me among the noise
around me, and in my head.
Through the noise and deafening silence:
I still feel you.
And all they heard was,
In the midst of their own self destruction.
Nobody can hear us. Because no one is listening.
I can hear the noise of the world, always
In my ears, like the sea never leaves the shell,
No matter how far travelled by a beachcomber
Who takes their souvenir home.
No matter how far I roam, the world follows up
It’s chaotic tone, voices shouting, ringing phones,
Cars with car horns rushing to be late
Somewhere they really don’t want to go.
Fools, vagabonds, gypsies, businessmen, wives
Police and thieves, cannot escape the gravitational
Drag of the world on their destiny.
I can hear the swish of their existence in my sleep
It never leaves me, like the restless tide it creeps.