Please be
more careful with me
Is it okay to say that?
I'm quite uncertain

My teary eyes are sure to
tell me something
about me
Still I'm unsure if
I can trust my own
eyes
the way
I trust you

Certainty
is thruthfully
lying
when I'm not
sure

But I know the reality of
things between you
and me
and the unspoken

And with certainty
I claim
nothing
I certainly can't
claim
you

Voices
wispering
"hush dear, be safe with us"
Sounds
of whimpering
"liars, don't listen, don't make a fuss"
Creature
talking
"you can't pretend, in your head it's all about us"
...
My reflection
mirrored in a strangers frown
creature creeping
underneath my gown
is it me, sweeping
give to whom it belongs, this heavy crown

In your pictures
the conflict hides
through pretty gestures
beauty subsides
and love with its tiring lectures

I don't give a ****
about your empty phrases
turned down praises
Watch me pull the plug
Your insincerity amazes
as I watch you feast on a deers pluck

You're not a dog
all you do is bark
getting rid of carcasses at the bog
listen closely and hear the lark
we all get lost in the fog
see if you can catch a spark
listen closely and hear the frog
you will see me in the dark

I'm not sick
but I'm bleeding just the same
I'm not forgotten
but I can't remember my name
I carry a bag of stones
taken from my kidney in claim
I look down on my feet
no feet but guns and they take aim

I look up at the sky
no sky but tree crowns so dense
in front of me, as far as eyes can see
are waves and they build a fence
Faces from within look at me confused
muffled voices tell me I shall be reduced
Just me, my guns and my kidney stones
but I refused

I fell into a pit that looked like my face
They made me swallow my stones
Waking up inside a maze
I think these are my bones

Am I dead
or just insane
my guns are wet
is it all in vain
I regurgitate the stones they fed
spit out blood, the taste got plain

The maze of bones stands aflame
I dry in the heat
I hear a click, my feet to blame
I look down and pang!, I smell burning meat
I open my eyes, push through the frame
only a dream, I'm on the edge of my seat
Looking in the mirror, I fear this isn't the end of this game
I see the bag of stones and my reflection says "repeat".

At the fjord
a body floats on a board
how it got there
no one knows

At seaside
you pushed against the tide
I didn't send you off
but you came back

I begged for you
at least stay true
keep away
your harmful attitude

There you are
washed ashore from afar
How did you get here
and why did you come?

It took me so many beaches
and seas just to reach this
a part of my own
somewhere to calm

You will never know
with what I fought and how
I can't make you more
than a in-the-back-of-my-head thought

I kneel down next to you
I don't know if you sacrificed and what you've been through
I'm feeling reluctant to cut you off
but it's too late for other choices

I smile, I'm sorry
I won't forget, don't worry
I take a rock
and end it then and there

Sometimes I ask myself
when did my thoughts and hopes of blue and green
turn into violet worries, violent dispositions
When did this soul with its empty bookshelf
burn all its unwritten scripts of things yet to be seen
and my steady solace turn into a contradiction

I know what I want in life
when I see my favorite pieces of art
scattered accross the canvas of my solitary nights
my cold fingers once touched it and I can count it on all five
I want to believe that I'd be content with really only a shard
to know my dreams aren't just made of imaginary sights

My open heart drives me
in uncertain directions with clear aspiration, sometimes just insane
but always looking, always wanting, always one heart ahead
If my eyes could only look beyond uncertainty and I'd finally see
a way that goes far and will let me travel along a green country lane
If I could feel as if I'd know why it seems so difficult not to be dead.

In everything that had to be broken and shed
these distant promises on remote and empty shores
For only the contingency of all that could be good and whole
Truly not knowing where this road might have led
and still keep my hands open and reaching and breathe in deeply through all of my pores
let me just find one wholesome and abiding content in this burning library inside my soul

Ideas so vivid
of skin that's not timid
Be intimate
Just integrate
Your poetry
into me
and make me see
make me see
All the colors
that I yearn to be
you and me and ecstasy
til it all falls away from me
I sense a feeling of being free
free from empty words
keeping it though it hurts
in a puddle deep inside
where all my silly wishes hide
come to me
come for me
I'll let us be
poetry

Where there once was peace and quiet
there's now an unbearable silence
I want to go back when
I didn't have to count to ten
to calm myself and all the pain
Not sure how I am still quite sane

Insanity would probably
be beneficial, naturaly
I'd just scream and shout and take a leap
Would that finally sweep me off my feet?
And stop my regrets playing on repeat?
Why do I have to get to the point of retreat
everytime someone makes their lying eyes weep?

All I want is something good and true
But everytime I try to look it's another you

The you that lies
with watery eyes
The you that cares to hold
my hand until it gets a little bit too cold
The you that tries hard to see the real me
to turn away as soon as I feel comfortable to be
The you that makes me look like a fool
to find out what you didn't want you just needed a tool
The you that wants to smother me all over
til I feel safe but you tell me I've only briefly been your four-leaf clover
The you that comes and goes as it pleases
leaving me sick and weary from all the diseases

you left
in my mind and heart
that's always the part
where you go and make room for another
to start the cycle anew, someone else to smother
my heart with thick heaviness
my mind with distrust, seeing always less
through the fog of disbelief
where I stand trying to retrieve
all that has been broken away from me
to swallow the bird of wisdom and talk myself into being free

But the bird is always dying
coming back but never flying
Still I keep it safe, protect it with my life
Together we will always strive
One day to release
This you and me will cease

In the damp morning streets of my mind
a smell of words so foul
phrases that bind
and forever hidden underneath a dark cowl

Walking neath a hollow sky
a living, breathing, stone-cold vaul
as a lovely darkness constantly spills over my mind's eye
but never reaching thy heart, this empty hall

Words luminous like stars
reflecting on the sea below my feet
my mirrored self gripping onto bars
this is where truth and make-believe meet

I ask the Great Ones to give me the wounds
I ask for those that I deserve
Waited to bleed for many moons
this body is eager and so is every nerve

I cannot live another day
living of the starlit night
hiding my sole purpose away
this fragile human shell, my endless fright

Is this my Anathema?
I feel endlessly accursed
This mind's life is nothing but a phantasma
and it seems nothing can collect what has once been dispersed

Am I not dead yet?
Is this not dying?
I was not hit but still I bled
Why have you taught me how to be death-defying?

Blinded by what is illuminated
I'm always drowing in the space between
a warm light that has faded
and a bright and terrifying fire burning so keen

So just finally set my flesh ablaze
break through this agony, a heart so tame
let this sea of blood erase
and overflow this frame

Today autumn arrived
I watched it creep into my room
through an open window

In my bones a familiar feeling thrived
I watched the leafs fall around noon
from the trees below

Coldness came to greet me anew
a comfort of sorts
and I felt so very calm

Warmth came to meet me too
the rooms of one's own turn into charming resorts
candles, tea and a blanket become a weary soul's balm

With it came nostalgia
it slowly made its way under my skin
while colors change the outside

Do you know of this certain cardialgia
your heart is heavy but light but also filled to the brim
while memories of distant winters reach far and wide

Welcome my chilling beloved
my cold season of frozen solid dreams
I was eagerly waiting for your return

For you I ready my coat, already half gloved
I give myself to you by all means
and underneath my halcyon flesh I will quietly yearn

Helheim isn't a place
its fires only burn inside one's head
a dark and roaring space
a tomb for the dead

Dead cogitations
pitiful victims
of a mind's limitations
and shallow benedictums

There I dwell
dark imagination
an endless pit, a bottomless well
darker still the manifestation

Thoughts shrouded in mist
Hela is waiting
by the great shadow I am kissed
and all is fading

I get lost, I don't protest
deep inside this maze
by this darkness I will be blessed
and find comfort in this haze

I have a strength in me
I fall in and out of love with thee
Brew a cup of unsweetened tea
for my strength and me

I sit them down and we talk for hours
On my table a vase of flowers
they brought me from outside where it showers
rain against the window, the trees look like towers

My strength calmly saying
our worries we should be laying
down upon the roots, no need for praying
stop the constant weighing

Of your worth and mine
you don't own these trees or the rain but this life is thine
now we will have tea, soon enough we'll be drinking wine
Over a hot cup my strength promises: we'll be just fine

Dear blame
I carried you for so long
How come you still weigh so heavy on my shoulders?
All I ever wanted was to leave it all behind
and all I ever feared was to leave it behind me
So much that I used to know
emptied by the distance in front of me
behind me lies what feels hard to comprehend
and how seeing my reflection now doesn't feel like some kind of lament

Dear self-doubt
did you know I'm not hiding anymore?
I found peace in these walls made out of run-down things
There are roots now and green leaves grow
I think the way I feel is like a once abandoned building
taken back by nature
But not overgrown, no,
just filled with new life where there was only cold concrete before.

Dear father
you'll never know
And I'll surely never have a reason to tell
I hope you're okay
I'm okay without you
the heaviness doesn't weigh on me any longer
and it took some time for me to realize that this is alright
This girl is alright

Dear mother
your pain always hits closest to home
anger was always yours to portrait
I think I gave you enough, I gave it all
and for what it's worth I never dishonored your pride
if dishonoring didn't mean standing up in front of you
I will forever be angry with you
so my conscious heart left a very long time ago
I had to save myself
I apologize and wish you find peace in your own right

Dear me
I'm so proud of you
Do you remember how we used to look outside?
thinking we'd never made it, no chance
It felt like a silly dream
Is it real?
Did we manage to escape it all with merely some scars and bruises?
I think... I did.

Why are you so afraid?
Who takes the courage out of us
and leaves empty pages on our doorsteps?

If you'd ask me nicely I gladly lend you my aid
In return just be as good as you allow yourself to be and thus
I promise silently to instead of one I'll make two beds

Inside of these four sides and many scriptless lines
My love's never quite sure how to call itself
I call her by the only name that I know
but know that it's not enough, not quite

If I wouldn't know better I would beg for your trust in these strong-rooted vines
All I want is to let me be me for the sake of myself
And hold closely and in full daylight my beloved stranger, reflected in fresh-fallen snow
For I'd never want to be ashamed of keeping a feeling whole and tight

Please don't ever let me lose my hope in a strangers mind,
it's all I got left in a world full of shallow familiars and quiet pretenders
Don't let me go stray and leave the path less traveled

Let me have
one hand that's tender
that isn't my own
trying hard to hold
on to slippery simplicity

And tell me why
are
you
so
afraid,
heart?

Humble
I tumble
through a silver lining
eyes peeking out of a blinding
light travels fast
further yet to meet at last
between two sides
of the same mind
bodies lying on many tides
dancing over water to unwind

Today
I heard myself mumble
"I'm waiting for the moon to drop down
crush these stones, flush my sight and make me drown"
then
flesh turns soft pink into shades of light blue
like sunrise
becoming the sea's painted sky, wide and true
I realize
I became one with the tide
birds flying in my sight
I'm their reservoir
everyday they will tell me au revoir

and I'll tenderly embrace
oceans weary face
and make it mine
make it mine

Today my brain is twisted
thoughts are misted
I want to write of the beauty that is
The beauty that I miss
The knowing that I crave
the one that would save
me from agony
and a life empty
of hope and filled with recollection
of needs and attraction
for something simple and true
like a tree that is green under a sky so blue
My ears are filled
My glass is chilled
My glass heart might break
if you try to take
part in my endeavor
to see lifes tangled parts clearer
But I'm okay with that
I'm ready to bet
My heart against another
let's smother
the pain we felt
and how we dealt
with lovelessness
I'll gladly confess
before you I'm bare
and I'd dare

again, and again, and again...

I don't know how much more
I can find trust ignoring the lore
That I keep on writing til my fingers are sore

This strange heavy book
with an even stranger look
that a stranger once took

I want to think
that it is full of insightful ink
giving me good reasons to always stay close to the brink

But when my heart grows fonder
today when I catch myself, ponder
my mind only recklessly starts to wonder

And I've been reckless before
my heart and soul given to a false poet who calls me a *****
it tinted my deepest thoughts, it might be blue forevermore

I'm an expert on overthinking
still can't help but drinking
Wonderland's poisons up til I'm shrinking

If I could only say
that on some distant day
I'd learned my lesson not to pray

For you can never know
maybe it's only the gardener, just a poet for show
beware of what he might sow

I'd like to
become see-through
For people to
know who
is hiding underneath
how lungs breathe
how bones shiver
of the stolen liver
throat that has to swallow hard
each broken promise shard
stomach digesting
loneliness from life's endless questing
these veins red and blue
this heart beating true
I wish to be see-through
see-through for you

Without it I'm sure
I look so pure
Til you see me sing the most beautiful song
with blood on my tongue

A naked tree in winter
my bones are always bare
I reach inside this
tree crown ribcage
pull my insides out
and press them on this page
I make a lovely composition
of red and superstition
I don't care
about how ***** it gets
I dare
you
Let me share
with you
You can do no wrong
Watch me
as I pretend it's been you
who touched these pages
all along

Light
                                                inside
    ­                                                 defies

                                       a love that denies


                                           Flight
                                               height
                                                     petrifies

                                       a promise that lies


                                            Bright
       ­                                         delight
                ­                                      collide

                  ­                     with heartache in sight


                                           Provide
                                                subside
 ­                                                        hide


                                       Another stolen night

Deprive me
I don't need sleep now
Make me
Tell me not to go slow
Forsake me
Let's put on a great show
Take me
in all the ways you know
Shake me
off this dreamless night

Let us kneel in front of each other
one after the other
sweet juices to follow
you need to abide
and let me swallow
your pride

Lying half naked in bed
thinking about all the lovers I haven't had
and sometimes it makes me mad
that they probably aren't even sad
cause there's always someone else they could have met

Filling myself up with solitary sensuality
I keep asking how much of this can be reality
when we were never one but lovers in singularity
and only in late-night-born words there was sexuality
merely a disturbance of tranquility

And as I lay there in the warmth of my solitude
Hot waters find an opening in unfulfilled gratitude
they leave my eyes, then run down my spine in some strange interlude
and I'm getting scared of an emtpy platitude
of feeling like a ****** *******

Because my spine is not endless
and neither is the beating of a heart kept loveless
I'm tired of phrases, of having to confess
to love that seems only to know how to obsess
that tries hard to be profound but then is still just heartless

I try to see some good in the fact
that my spine is therefor still somewhat intact
and beyond this tiring and ongoing act
I calm myself, 'There's still time to find', I'm committing to the pact

Feel like I went
somewhere wrong
People look but
they don't hold on
And I so crave
for interaction
For a poetic
intersection
I can't
stop writing
It's reverse writer's block
that I'm fighting
When all I can do
is oversharing
the pressure in my head
is overbearing

I know we are all
most interested in ourselves
Standing tall
in front of our virtual bookshelves
Not much wrong with it
It's only human nature
we wait for our creations to be a hit
so we feel a little bit more mature

Our intentions must be
somewhat the same
Am I wrong in thinking that we all
want a little bit of fame
Maybe the word falls short to describe
I mean we all want to be seen
Make a small impact, "please subscribe"
Everyone wants to be part of the scene

Oh but "I don't care what I am",
that's not what I do
Ah but unfortunately
that's not even half true
I didn't care much when
I started out
Simply because
I wasn't so proud
Of being able to write
my most inner thoughts down
and still call them
my own
And I still don't feel
proud in comparison
All these beautiful souls on here
This lyrical ship has quite a strong garrison

But it makes me sad and I wonder
about some of you
and that's why I started to ponder
cause I have no clue
What does "a follow for a follow" mean
If that's all we do
what does it matter, why so keen

Do you think it's only fair
I follow you, you follow me
But I want you to really care
To click because you want to see
Silly little adventures that I share
and who I want to be

I still strive to feel connected
I read of you
til I'm feeling like everything's collected
Is it too much to ask to wish you'd too

See, I'll tell you how it is
I don't really need any of this
All this random "he's mine, I'm his"
"There are already a thousand things I miss"

Sure, that's lovely, I admit
but could you slow down for a bit
You don't even know I'm it
And all it makes me think is "he might be full of ****"

I'm being very honest here, sorry
Just don't get why you would worry
about some girl you just met in a hurry
your view seems to be pretty blurry

Sure, everyone likes to hear sweet things
but if it's only that, no substance, the sweetness stings
I'm not sure I want your honey if a bee swarm is what it brings
I'm not your queen bee and here I see no kings

I'm not saying this is bad
This isn't even supposed to sound this mad
Being sweet is actually really rad
But I know how these things go and I'm done ending up being sad

Tell you what I'd be happy to see
Some interest in the actual me
Maybe believable honesty
Cause I ****** hate that I don't even get who you want to be

I ask you
'how have you been? Isn't this your favorite drink?'
but also
'I hope I'm not trying too hard'
I know I probably overthink

You say
'I had a great time with my friends. We had so much fun'
Sending a picture
'how was your weekend?'
Isn't that a strange mixture?

I grasp for something deeper still
Aren't you too?
I can't be the only one here that wants and will
Clearly you want to share as much as I do
So shouldn't you be willing also?

Why claiming, wanting
but then feel distant
Why do I feel like I need to be hunting
for anything resembling something subsistent
I don't want to feel like constantly being insistent

It's a wide sun
who's light travels
from my silly head
to my stubborn heart

And back again
and back again
it goes in burning circles
and yet never fails to shine

If you look closely
you might be lucky
and catch a glimpse
of my fiery desire to be

Since I have little
but I have as much
as the sun gives in warmth
and I'd as such
give it gladly and settle
to heat up your cold arms

There

I lay my eyes
on something battered

Red the only color
another's apart and shattered

Dreams of a ****** consciousness

Rest in peace
solace

See me
mirrored

Touching others inner
borrowed

By ancient
minds

The keeper
finds

Skinned thoughts
dressed in shadow

Mind's a maze
ecstasy and sorrow

Leave it to
a ghost haunted

By phantasms
scattered and taunted

This blood runs deep
to gather and fill

My holding shell
where I keep you, safe and still

Life
force me to
go back and
build a
hive

Bees
will have a
place to go
to all
she's

Full
of a thought
once there was
and now
dull

Die
let the idea
dry out and
be one
lie

Nothing
where it meant
to grow but
one day
something

Quite tired and worn out
So?
I know there's nothing left to say
Alright.

Yeah, I wasted some time
And?
I understand I can be an easy prey
I'ts not right.

Sure, now I'm bleeding
Worries?
Ah, just a few new hospital bills to pay
Healing on the outside.

You know I might have been mousetrapped
Captured?
Well, some additional scars you may carve
I always put up a fight.

And the thing is, when you realize I got away
Sorry?
You are the one who will starve
I'll be alright.

Maybe I can't tell
right from wrong
life from death
heaviness from emptiness
love from a lie
or your arms from mine

Still I'm sure to see
light inside something dark
matter inside the nothingness
heart inside an empty chest
care from broken hands

And when you say
the void is you
I shake my head
but follow through

Let me tell you what I see
A blackness that is dear to me
And even if you can't help but mind
my trust and care leaving your dark parts behind

I might as well be
A lantern, you see
And when the light catches you
We'll both follow through
One thing I can truthfully tell
it was never just darkness from the moment I fell

for you