Your northern light lures me in
it's blinding my eyes
it's so cold and so tragically beautiful
it's roaming alone on a loose highway
where no man can stay

We all see you, but not all can feel you
I am powerless and drained of self-love
but if you want to, I'll love you enough
enough for you to never feel alone
despite our distance, I'll keep you sane
and perhaps you can keep me warm

We've felt the calamity in our hearts
etching happiness away;
injecting darkness all over
but it's okay, it's all okay now
we've found each other
and we'll get through it

I do not know much, but this I know;
all this pain and suffering have not been in vain
since it led me to you, and you to me
so let's give happiness a second chance, shall we?

You are half a world away
but you still make my heart flutter.

I'm afraid to be loved.
But that doesn't mean
I don't want to be loved.

I know I say mean things
about myself all the time,
but I do that to protect
myself from potential danger
and unnecessary heartache.

I'm only human,
or perhaps a bit too human.
I can't deal with too much hardship
because it will only make me
spawn an ocean of melancholy.

And I do not want people to see
me drown in my own weakness.
I simply can't allow it.

So I **** it up and carry on.
You might think my mindset
is brave and indeed
it is, to some degree.

But most of all it is painful.
It's so ******* painful.
But I'll get through it, I have to;
until I crash and burn.

Different ways of dying,
occupy my mind every night.
One of them might be worth trying,
if it'll make serenity hold me tight.

I wish I cared a little less
about what the world thinks of me.
Because it only makes me more depressed
when perfection is always out of my reach.

I wish I loved myself a little more
for the sake of my starving self-esteem.
But I lost the key to the entrance door
thus my happy ending remains a pipe dream.

The thought of dying
occupies my mind too often
I'm not okay

The place we go to when we fall asleep
let me stay there forever, please
Because I'm not okay

In the waking hours, I stumble
around in a world of make-believe
I'm still not okay

The darkness is cold but kind
it offers me a place to hide
Can I be okay?

I'm floating around in a straitjacket
on the edge of the universe
I'll never be okay

You brighten up my day
in such a peculiar way.
My usual blue feeling
morph into a smile which the
familiar tears can't wash away.

I'm filled to the brim,
yet I'm still threatening
myself with a paper
gun behind my head.

My hands are feverishly
searching for the heart that
vanished with no warning,
whilst the swaying anxiety pushes
me over the familiar edge;
thus my world is turned
upside down, yet again.

The place where my dreams used
to pave the way, has been demolished.
Now a black hole is roaring,
and it's spilling ancient demons
that stain my happiness.
They dance their shadow dance
while chanting self-destructive orders.

I can hear them day and
night, but they are most
prominent from dusk to dawn.
And it's during these
lonely hours that my
ears get painted red
and my cheeks stay wet.

I know I'm a fool for
running away from love,
especially when love is the only
thing I've been dreaming of.

But I'm afraid of rejection, so I
isolate myself from other's affection.

Time after time I find myself
walking this road alone,
with just the thought of love
to keep me warm.

Sometimes I want love to find me.
For when love takes over,
you'll walk the road of serenity.
You'll climb the mountain of euphoria.
You'll swim the ocean of ecstasy.

Yet, I don't think love is good for me.
I'm afraid it'll **** me in a state of oblivion.
But perhaps that's all I ever really need;
to fall into the pit of love and never
break through the surface again.

piercing through the air
terror without an end
lives harvested way too soon
unraveled family and friends

how long will this last?
how many liters of blood
will contaminate our minds
before they choose to stop?

the law should protect
instead, the horror is welcomed
creeping around in plain sight
before it takes your loved ones

You do as you please.
I'm just a human,
in the form of a woman.
So of course, you can
do as you please.
How dare I speak up my mind?
I should just shut up.
My no means yes to you,
so why do I even bother?

But that ain't working,
not anymore at least.
This pushover has been
pushed too close to the edge.
Tornado meets volcano;
and destruction will lay upon you.
Let me erase your being,
so you can start anew.
And this time I'll help
by planting in your mind
a simple seed of common sense.


*******.

Why do you love me?
My face isn't pretty.
I'm not even smart.
I'm just a fool with a funny
laugh and a fragile heart.

Quick with a gun
bullets; one two three
I love you, shoot your mercy into me
They took you away, I've lost everything
I'm too scarred, tonight my pistol sings

❇❇❇

I just wanted to come with you
show me your hometown
I just wanted to be like you
far away from where they gun us down

I won't let them take you away
I'll stand my ground
I will make it all okay
Pinky promise, I'll never let you down

Violence and blood hail around me
I'll take my cover
I might drown in my own red sea
But anything for you, my darling lover

My lynx sat the world on fire
The madmen fell to the ground
With you, my love won't expire
As long as you're safe and sound

I was too late to catch your flight
But your soul is safe with me
We didn't get to say goodbye
The eternal sleep has its claws in me

❇❇❇

Shoot me a line and I'll go there
If you're not breathing, I just don't care
Like Bonnie and Clyde against all odds
We bleed freedom; we can't be stopped

I submerge myself
in sadness
drenched to my core
I paddle through
heartache and
melancholic waves
unaware of the
lurking tsunami
spawned by
everlasting
thoughts of you

I try so hard to be happy,
but what does that mean?
What does it look like?

I'm the monster inside
my head, I tell myself
things that reek of death.

In the middle of it all,
the light is burning out
and it's all my fault.

I gave in to the chaos
in my soul, now I'm lost.
I lost sight of control.

I feel too much and even though it's great at times
I also hate it, because I can't control my emotions.
It's like caging an animal born in freedom,
you'll only end up hurting yourself if you try.

And I have tried, believe me.
I've tried so many times.
And I've come to realize it doesn't matter
whether I try to cage them in or let them run free,
it's always me who ends up being hurt.

And it ******* hurts.
It makes me not want to be me.
It makes me not want to live.
Because I can't express the things roaming
inside of my mind, my veins and my heart.

I'm going crazy inside my private circus
I'm the clown, the elephant,
the ballerina and the ringmaster
how am I supposed to balance all these roles?
It's no wonder I'm going mad
and tearing myself up from within.

Help! I need help, but the help won't reach me
since I convince myself every time that I need no help.
Because I'm afraid to be weak, for others to see me as weak
and that's my own problem: I'm my own kryptonite.

I'm still not over you're gone,
I cry too many salty tears.
My fingers run a marathon,
each day trying to make you reappear.

You're the reason that I have to fight,
because of you, I tasted tomorrow.
I'll keep you in my thoughts at night,
my guardian angel; i see your halo

I won't lie, it hurts too much,
losing you; I lost myself.
My heart will never bleed enough,
the loser's hand I've been dealt.

I'll wait for time to harvest me,
I'll endure this piercing pain.
I'll walk past fragments of serenity,
just so I can see you again.

You saw a glimpse of me
in a sea of people where
my individual existence
drowned in the crowd.

You saw me
in the midst of my inner struggle
where my common sense was
unraveling: thread by thread.

You reached out to me
lured me with crumbs
of love, just so i could see
you were not dangerous.

You waited for me
your patience paralyzed my
xenophobic mind and melted
the glaciers around my heart.

You held my hand
so i couldn't run away
because i tend to play
hide and seek with things i fear.

You whispered into my ear
morphine filled words
slipped down my spine and
burned their way into my core.

You see me
right here in front of you
i'm not used to it therefore
i plead with you: don't look away.

Every night I lay down to rest
The same old visions keep on creeping around my head
They scrape my mind and burn my core
I don't think I can take no more
Will I get through the night?

On the edge to insanity
I don't know what's real or fantasy
The demons sip on my coffee cup
Their screams get loud they never stop
My ears are a red masterpiece

The chaos beings to rise
I'm falling down the rabbit hole to my demise
Sticks and stones may break my bones
But loving you will make me whole
The chaos drowns me tonight

A seesaw is all that's left
Bouncing anxiety inside my chest
Strangers steal my loneliness
Patching up my self-made mess
Frozen in the concrete jungle

Jon said we're halfway there
But it seems to me I'm stuck in second gear
I lay my back flat on the ground
Here I'll die with no one around
Out of reach and with nothing to fear

A light in the dark calls my name
Safe and sound it guides me home with its flame
With a broken wing left to die
I could still learn to fly
Once lost but now I'm found

Like many before me
the mirror is my enemy
it shows me things I don't want to be
it shows me a twisted image of reality

It haunts me from within
by planting hoaxes under my skin
burned to my core is the malicious grin
hatched from the depths of my mirror twin

The city's drowsiness
seeps into the bus,
leaving behind misty
eyes and empty promises
of a better tomorrow.
For a while, everything
seems perfect.
But I know I'm playing
a dangerous game
with this self-fabricated
pipedream.
It will eventually
burst and leave me
halfway there, enveloped
in a nirvana of despair.
Despite knowing this,
I still dive in; head first.

A lonely snowdrop initiates the dance
out in the woods on the bare ground
they emerge, one by one
as shooting stars on a highway
they embroider a blanket of white serenity
to embrace spring and greet her once again

Death is calling tonight,
the air carries the old message.
Stepping over the line,
falling into non-existence.

Today's forecast:

Pretending everything is fine,
until you fall into the pitch black.
Then you lie motionless in pain,
wrenching your soul and
crying your heart out.
Afterward, the headache hits you
like a blazing fire, accompanying
your sadness so you feel less alone.
Then demons with insomnia
play with the clock, forcing your
mind to wander again tonight.
At some point, stillness will find
you and it'll shoot its bullet in
your flesh; a mercy ****.
Oblivion will then sweep
you off your feet and
shroud you in woven peace.
Nothingness will be blasting
out loud, until the golden rays
find your eye corner and
trespass with fuming ferocity.


And then it all begins anew.

I bury this year's stillborn dreams
in the soil of despair, before the
new year begins with colorful
explosions embroidered in the sky.

22; i'm 22,
still don't know what to do.
Roaming around in my mind,
chasing dreams that aren't mine.
Lost in circus - lost in perfection,
something's turning;
changing my reflection.
Smile mirror, smile
dance with luck for a while.
Down the drain it goes,
dripping failure flows
from the eyes to the toes.

How is it possible to feel
so empty, when the negative
thoughts keep piling up?

The pills make me brave
no more stumbling words
or drowning in attention-waves.

The pills make me calm
no more marathon in my chest
but no calm without a storm.

The pills make me relax
no more arson in my cheeks
but i know it soon will attack.

The pills make me happy
or at least they suppress the tears
but they haven't set me truly free.

The pills make me a better version
while the real me is still a wreck
how do i break the distortion?

The pills make me feel alive
yet i'm still dying on the inside
but here i am; i intend to survive.

The love you paint in my heart,
looks more like vandalism than art.

Lightning bolts embroidered on swaying hips;
two oceans roam with potential danger.
Come take a sip of wonder - if you dare;
let the water guide home the lost sailor.

The porcelain bird flew so very high
until its neck encountered with the ground.
From the windowsill to the edge of night
it died alone; with no one else around.

I let go of my first love before it had a chance to bloom.
I watched it fall with autumn into the descending moon.

But here we are again; talking about yesterday's tune.
It's like nothing ever happened, and thus my pain resumes.

I try to say what's on my mind,
but the words are in commotion.
I keep it bottled up inside;
a walking wreck of emotions.

You only see the tip of the iceberg,
but my feelings are pacific deep.
When will my love stop being unheard,
so my insecurities can sleep.

I'm sporadic alive; roaming around,
trying to cope with my endless stress.
I hope you dare to see my ghost town,
where the fragile me are taking a rest.

As a child, I said hello to poetry;
but I did not know that it would
become my ultimate adult therapy.

my old futile dreams
make the windows all misty
ripping up the seams
blood mixed with ancient whiskey

a smile around the corner
lures the naive mind
******* up the world order
another death wish signed

overhead, brick by brick
the november wind stands still
heart oozing of homesick
empty thoughts keep my glass refilled

delusions cover my sight
faraway lights blink with eager
fixing the crooked night
dinner with the grim reaper

The "us" in my head was just
a stillborn dream of mine.
But in another life, that dream
would live and breathe with us.

I have butterflies
roaming in my chest.
But these are not the
good butterflies;
these are the bad ones.
They have been kissed
by death and their wings
coated in despair have
found a nest inside of me.

They call me the angel child;
and I suppose at some point, I once was one.
But my demons have cut off my wings a long time ago.

I cut the pain away, I cut you off as well
how can I survive, when all I know is hell

I've seen the world burn down, I've seen my self decay
but what should I do, when my reality fades away?

Tell me it'll be alright, tell me the morning is on its way
hold my hand forevermore, and keep the loneliness at bay

The pain rushes in with the tide,
and I feel so alone now, without you by my side
the darkness is whispering sweet dreams of mine,
but what am I supposed to do
when the darkness comes inside?

Touch me with your words, not your hands
come to me naked, even when you're covered
devour my soul, and worship my mind
trace my skin and kiss my battle wounds

Read my story the dancing ink displays
whisper words of salvation into my ear
don't protect me, I know how to wreck
I don't want your gold, only your hand in mine

The black ink curves over my
skin like a crouching tiger.
The pain is nothing compared to the open
wound that has settled in my heart.
My guardian angel with no wings
nor halo has given me the emptiness.
He sits on the silver-plated moon,
he keeps her company.

The ink has etched into my skin,
writing down his and my history.
Without him the Grim Reaper would
have harvested my life-flower long ago.

He held his hand over me when
I walked on broken glass.
He hummed lullabies when
the demons screamed their chants.
He wiped my tears away
when the mirror was distorted.
His presence played chess with
the ever oppressive solitude.

Now that he is gone, I am an easy
prey for the lions of the world.
I'm just a bunny,
my vegetables can scare nobody.
But he was also a bunny,
a bunny who fought to the last.
So the least I can do is fight so
he can see he did not fight in vain.

And if I ever feel lonely,
I'll just dive into the moonlight
where he resides.

With a smile on your mouth
I see the evening breathing out
Calling my long lost name

And while I don't you recall
I hear you whisper, while I fall
Pouring memories down the drain

I tried to make you understand
You need to leave wonderland
The lion still kills without claws

But you crashed with the reality
Leaving strangers with serenity
Drowning in the final applause

His nocturnal desires have awoken,
they roam carelessly on the moonlit highway.
Tangled in cryptic and claustrophobic visions,
hands on the steering wheel; aiming at prey.

It hails with burned-out dreams,
morphine-filled words whisper about salvation.
Pines sprinkle their prickly love on his ragdoll,
igniting the poor man's gold excavation.

Lemon drops poured into his frayed heart,
a nirvana of thoughts etched in the sky.
The beacon revealed his method of madness,
he kept the grain of salt in his eye.

Fun and games
that's all it takes
to keep young hearts in motion
but one night like the
thousands of others
she went missing;
gone from sight and
gone from everyday life

Time went by
and she went with it
the clock was a ticking bomb;
waiting to find hope
and explode with glee
but on the happiest
day of the world
it took a sharp turn

She was found in the
morning's cold embrace
no trace of life remained;
robbed of innocence
robbed of possibilities
never to open eyes again
never to open the front door
and say "I'm home"

Open your eyes and see the world;
it's been here the whole time.
Free your heart and free your mind;
loving yourself is no crime.

Take off your mask and just be you;
it takes courage to come alive.
Let the light fight the dark away;
you don't need to be disguised.

Tell the world you're here to stay;
drown your doubts in the river bend.
Believe in yourself and you'll realize;
you're your own hero in the end.

Lie with me
on this ancient
ground and keep
me warm with
your lies about
a better tomorrow
where sorrows
die with the
remnants of my
common sense

Little free sparrow
with the sad sound,
rolling with its shadow
all night long.
Settles in your heart with
memories from there once were
and if you keep quiet
you can still hear it singing.

Little blue butterfly
floats on the last day of May,
around in the bright spring
off on life's highway.
It has seen the world
and take it all as a play,
it dives into an ocean of clover
and a nirvana of forget-me-not.

Little black cat
spins the dark night,
chasing rare demons
while guarding your mind.
While you're away in dreams
nothing dangerous can come in here,
two large amber eyes are watching
shining like moonlight.

Little white dove
with wings as a sign of peace,
knocking gently on your doorstep
waiting for crumbs of love.
Somewhere unknown it flew away
around its little leg hung a message:
"wipe the diamonds away from the cheek
and keep in mind that nothing lasts forever."

A loaded gun behind the perfect shot,
infiltrates my mind with memories I forgot.
Pills and potions couldn't help ease the pain,
the man with the mask I can no longer keep sane.

And in the bleeding sky I saw,
scars I've encountered once before.
The depth is scary, but I can't look away,
I dive and drown in this red ocean every day.

I close my eyes and hum a song,
trying to outshout the things I've done wrong.
It's a suicide mission to try and win this fight,
so I'll just get lost with the strangers of the night.

On the gleaming tracks I run with no goal,
it's just an endless journey within a distant black hole.
I'm just a fraction of something that could've been great,
but, I know it's too late to change my bulletproof fate.

You did not want to make me cry
I did not want to say goodbye
oh, I've been a fool for far too long

You did not want to make amends
I did not want to make it end
oh, what can I do to get to you?

I did not get to save your soul
now I'm sitting here alone
bleeding heavily from loving you

And I know that it's way too late
I put my life in your fate
but I'm still smiling here in the dark