Hold that thought
Until you're hands are ******, broken
------------------------

Maybe
(Its not)
but maybe It could be
(*******)
Winning on the golden ticket

Ok, there's no real chance
(no ****)

I swear to god
(Get ******* through it)
I dealt out my pain
From past experience
(***** please)

I mean it
(you can't be serious)

There's a broader gate
Whats the reason?
(I'm glad they segregate)
Pad locked grave gate
(You're a rip off and you know it)

Throw the game to save some face
(Better hide, you'd better run)
Coughing mad hatter fits
(Living sub-par is ignorant bliss)

I miss the days of old
(funny ****)

Barely out the womb
Already wounded
Foray into the fray
Has left me confused
Malnourished and blue
In the face

And yet this constant fear
Of disgrace
(You're ******* fake)

(Fake as ****, I swear I know it
So psychotic and psychotropic
Spend your waking moments hiding
And every other in imaginary topics)

Making do with slave wages
Striking out on all these pages
Jesus left me feeling blind
Contained within these broken places

----------------

They say reading is good for you
They say a lot of ****

Hidden in sight, just another shadow waiting
Past the light, hanging on the wall, stagnating
Watching, loathing, holding on so tight
Chest constricting, as the night goes on

T o n i g h t

Steeling glances, repeat my selfish motives
Mantra's bloated, overtaking every motion
Sway in time, as the light begins to waver
So inspired
to make this mine

T o n i g h t

In this reality
Things are seldom what they seem
Your lights are fading
Soon you will see what I can see

You will see the whole of me

Can't you empathize with me?
Take another moment, of your mediocrity
As I envy your stagnation
Bloated mess of everything I
Have ever
wanted

T o n i g h t

You're wrong

You are so ******* wrong

In the mirror
Thing's are seldom what they seem
Your poor morality
Leads into a fever dream

The light's been wavering
Won't be long before I'm free
The sun is setting
In the night I will be

Everything

T o n i g h t

I've got this idea
Not much more than a feeling, really

There's a kid, sunken into a dark green couch
It's old.
It's been reupholstered more times than anyone cares to remember
But its comfortable, so no one cares
He's hardly moving
Its hard to see what hes thinking, his expression a blank slate
His face is glowing with the rays of the sun, soaking in through a picture window
It paints the wood paneled den with hues of burning orange

The heat kicks in, and warm air creeps out from beneath the floor and swirls above the **** carpet, faded and worn

He  just sits there, staring out the window

Outside, the grass has lost its color and now lays like a blanket over the frozen ground
All along the bases of leafless oak trees and amid their skeletal branches, squirrels roam freely, filling the cooling air with soft chatter

Birds as well, perched amid the darkened branches
Standing, watching the world turn

The shadows create a perfect contrast, growing as the sun sets
Dark fingers that reach out to pull the world into the quiet arms of encroaching night

The wildlife seems unconcerned as they wander aimlessly, sating any curiosity that arises without a care

He wants to join them
He wants to be just as free
But the room is warm
And the couch is soft
So he sits
And watches the world turn

Dizzying fall
The ending claims all
Hitting rock bottom when there's nothing solid left
Fending off the end with each passing breath
Lungs on the grind, buying me time
Onward, headfirst
Through layers of earth
Til my soul is bending
Ears ringing with a thousand rending
Tales of farewell etching out
This cavity of self doubt

What the truth is I can't say
And most likely never will

The noise, it fades
****** sprites screaming out my name
Eventually all lose themselves in the torrent
Of endlessness
Of abyss and persistance
Of nonexistence

No longer resist

Thoughts respondent of a scream
Repressing turbulent dreams
Still crawling along my back
Feelings crouched out of sight
Negativity, prone to attack

Deceased
Or not
The truth
Is that
I still
Have friends
Or not
I guess

In life it's nearly always just a matter of time
Ricocheting through the valley of fatal decline
Wishing after thoughtless grandeur, wishing for more wishes
Ephemeral, it all
Falling to the ending

chasing shades across the borderline
Living shadows leave me misaligned
Shaking hands, release compounded ideas
Violent dreams

Slipping farther from an open mind
Blue and broken, for end of time
Parting ways, never could decide
Just how it should be

Counted down all the time i spent
Reuniting with my arguments
Running lists of all types, worthlessness
Not that hard to see

House party
Heart attack

I need some ******* air

Alright, (gasp)

Card game over breakfast
Solitaire

Unsure of what to choose
In regards to the near future
Grin and bear it
For the kids, I guess
The whatever friends I somehow amass

Hit the road
No point in checking
My reflection
Too undecided

Preheat the oven
Getting baked

Sky's gray
The way I like it
Half a smile earned

Turn a corner and regret it
Feelings are too sensitive
In that
They get shattered
And splinter up my gut

**** it

Whatever

Half way inside
Biding my time
Leather jacket
Smells like grass
Fresh cut cut-ups get drowsy

I'm barely sentient myself
Don't think about hell itself
Not that much thought crossed
That welcome mat

Laugh along
All a death tome
Singing dead songs
Getting high on
One human or another

Smoking me out

Of the house

Sky is dark now
Just how I like it
Another half smile

Looking past
I see the lights
Same lights blinding some other guy
Somewhere the sky isn't so perfect

Here, the lights blinding me
Are all around
Clowns, the lot of them
annoying....

So glad i made it
So glad to see
You didn't die inside your house
And could show up to my party
To validate me
I'd sooner berate you and your
Guest

Ugh

How you can live live
So depressive
Then bounce back with
Idiots
Crowding up the place

Beyond me

Anyway
Stopped by to drag doubt
Through the place
And show my face

To much disappointment
I guess I expected
As much

Cooling tides
Air that envelops every last patron in a breathless stagnation
A banquet hall falling beyond the ends of the earth
Below all existence and still here unfounded, surrounded by void
Snow falls slowly around the great hall

Spirits of old and young alike alight into the room
Every inch melded admits a dark, endless night
Crawling down pillars, molten metals and fires
Still race in place like the glow from a hearth

Around a table laden, the hall great only mentioned in fables
Awaits the souls tortured and downtrodden
Years of abuse flying by but
As the clock strikes two we can see the sky's above
Just outside wrought iron windows, snow starts to build

Stone rough and hewn from mountains perverse enough
To harbor the worlds worst, unforgivable
Caringly lit only for the night
It all springs to life
Softly enveloping

From somewhere the notes, hopelessly golden
Begin to play
From corners of recessed and disfigured servants
All alleviated if only for the day

Palpable with every resource loosened
Hope is something we still cannot afford
Despite our differing degrees of punishment
We have resigned to unwind the centuries

Golden

The night is long, the table that decorates
This gilded hall, walls arching overhead
Is never left empty, every moment is filled with a subtle
Empathy, check the time

The seconds are passing, all the more quickly

I see the devil, pacing the halls
Lost among his own thoughts
He sees me and recognizes
We're both in the same place

Alone but not forgotten

On this holy night

And I've found out
It always ends, and every year
Comes and goes

I wish I had your eyes. I really do. I wish I could see all the colors that you seem too. The vibrancy that I've been missing for so many years...

He looked up. Same walls. Always the same. Gray paint, chipping away. Water damaged brickwork. He glanced upward. Same energy efficient lights adorning the same stained and faded ceiling tiles.

One thirty am.

I wish I had your mouth, I really do. Wish I could string words together like you can. I wish I could find the rhythm that your heart beats too.

He looked up at the furniture placed carelessly around the room. It's sparse. The room feels almost empty. A bed tucked away in the corner, half hidden in shadow. The sheets are wrinkled. He hasn't bothered washing them in a while. He's been sleeping on the couch. The cushions are getting threadbare. They were already worse for wear, over a year ago. He remembered what it felt like to drag it inside. How he almost pulled a tendon trying to get it through the door.

I wish I could fly away from here, like you did. Cut all my ties, burn all my bridges. I wish I could embrace the unpredictability like you have.

He looked up at the walls.

I wish I could clean all the filth off my hands. You always did have such impeccable hands.

He looked up at the walls. Same cracks, same cracks. Looked over at the can of paint. It'd been there since he'd put it there. He'd left it there the week before he'd moved in. He'd been meaning to touch up a few spots.

I wish I could rid my mind of these festering insects. I wish, I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

It was quiet. Too quiet. Always with the buzzing static filling up the endless quiet, never quite masking it. Always with the static, ringing in his ears. It was always quiet, so very quiet.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

It's so quiet. He couldn't think straight. He couldn't think straight. He looked up at the walls. Sixteen strings, dangling down, one fragile spine impaled in a back that it won't fit.

I wish I could see through your eyes, hear through your ears.

It's so quiet, he'd never hear a thing again. Sixteen candles blown out in the breeze. One untouched ice cube left in a glass on the coffee table, so mundane, so unconcerned with the sun soaking in through the window.

I wish I could be as hauntingly beautiful as a raven perched on a telephone pole in mid November.  

He looked up at the walls. His hopelessly outnumbered little diatribe barely holding its own against the cascade of static, swelling, thriving in the void left behind by the silence. Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

If only I could enter your mind. Swim through your deprived notions, your sensations of pleasure you derive from nothing good at all. Things we all keep hidden.

He looked up at the printer. It's sitting on an orange crate in the corner opposite the bed. Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

If I could wish at all, I'd wish for this eventuality. It's harrowing, you know. Wishing for things. Knowing that all hope has so carelessly been squandered on things you couldn't care less about.

He'd left a soda can sitting on his desk. He picked it up. It's still a little sticky.

I wish I could be as free as can be. I want to be free. I want to be as free as a bird. Not a sacrifice, please.

She stood on the edge of the cliff, suspended somewhere in the distance between me and the setting sun. She looked back towards me, waiting patiently at the foot of her elongated shadow.

Her eyes were brimming with tears. Barely visible streaks of salt water already stained her cheeks, but across her lips, a smile. Wide enough to show nearly all her perfectly aligned teeth, her lips taught, almost painfully stretched across her face.

A laugh escaped her throat, something between a laugh and a sob and a cry, cut short as her lungs forced her to gasp, then falling into a spasm of short, shallow breaths.

The words fell like diamonds from her mouth to my ears, scoring my brain with their edges, blinding my inner light with their aura.

I was swept away in the moment, which I thought could never possibly end. But of course it did. And the silence that followed left me shattered and alone.

An escape made in earnest
The quiet upkeep of missing links
An upheaval of something good
To relinquish all sanity
As cracks begin to race across the surface
Dividing the tension across abstract faces
The sound of a jet engine
And the wind that grows ever warmer
The final rays of light
On this endless, waxing summer
In a chemical solution

I got eighteen cigarettes stuck in my cake
Strike a light, set the mood just right

Take a deep breath and
Remember that
You had no happy ending planned
And no true fans

Doomed to fail?
Hell yeah

Hell...
Yeah, looks that way

It don't matter
Have another slice of cake

Flash forward a breakdown or two

half stacked crack addicted hazmat wearing fascist can all get ******
You'll never find me dealing in
Toxic ****
Another ******* psychotic
Mind altering
Falling out
Of fake ideas
And hateful misanthropy
Dancing around my issues
With a ******* smirk

I hate self reflection, and
I want to slap the living **** out you

But don't want to wind up in jail...

I did it for the internet
Strange comment from the man
With a master plan
Scribbled sloppily on the back of his hand
Stammering out some candy words
With a sour edge made painful
By his ****** up head
Wedding his best friend
Happy ending
Till they all die in a house fire

The end.

I can't seem to understand
What could be done to soothe this ache
Ripped from a broken rib cage
Measure up all my mistakes

Coloring the glass
Staining all my liquor red
Leave me buried in the past
Spent every last second

Draining the last drops
Strained through broken teeth
Working for the sound of
Something that's worth healing

Finally myself if
Only for the moment
My truth is that I'm lost
In this current, vacant motion

How'd I lose my way

It never takes much
I wonder what I could possibly do to impress her
She's plucking gold threads in the air
Bits of string she finds hanging all around her
When she's flying like that
When she's hanging like that
Even her feet trace above my head

When she's human
I feel sick
Because I feel lucky

You know those wraps on her wrists
She keeps them bound up for a reason
She needs the memory, but it's not for me

She's not like me
So distinctive, in all the ways she knows
In all the lines she's memorized
And in that saccharine emulsion
Still seeping from her
I hate the taste of it

Gently floating on the breeze
Walking across lilies
I wonder what I could possibly do
To impress her.

One:
My eventide, prime of life held dear
Perfect token, held in such high regard by myself
Human nature, aligned itself
Beside myself, looking through the lenses of my own craftsmanship
So perfect, so perfectly aligned

Two:
Spider web cracks, for half a moment held in their complete pattern
So entirely unique
And then the next
I snapped
Earth, brazen in its physicality, held in the cracks between concrete
Shards, broken to bits below my hammering
Raking claws of bone, stronger than iron
Muscles tensing so, constricted as I still felt the earth break
My chest equally constricted, feeling the pressure of
A new form, taking root
Crawling through, my true self waxing

Three:

And my blackened wings burned in the naked sun

Standing on feet unfamiliar, but mine in their entirety
Clawed
Burning bone, and the steam rising from my corpse
As I clawed
Rising to reveal
My wingspan, bone, brittle
Decorated with the ash

I think it's safe to assume
I will change, but it won't be soon
Maybe once I know what I want to say

You're one tough act that I don't want to follow
Watching you run towards tomorrow
Leaves me wishing that I could have today

You always talk fast, I'm trying to wade through
I can't unpack your constant deluge
Give me a second, let me concentrate

I don't understand the your phantom pressures
I can't figure out how you communicate
Or find the source of your endless grace

There's no such thing as true evil
Across all cultures and creeds, evil exists
All relegated to human existence
It's a byproduct of our own physicality
There's a million neurons firing constantly
Fueling immeasurable transfers of information
Constantly, across the whole of the race
Across the face of the planet
It's just one massive web of ideas
We're all afraid of death, its terrifying
We hate the idea that we won't exist
And our group instinct drives us together
Empathy binds us like that, and we feel a false sense that
We're moral beings, because we treat others with respect
But we're only looking out for ourselves
And we can quickly kid ourselves
Systemic evil is just everyone tricking themselves in a million different ways
All tricks coming in different directions
And when tragedy strikes, we all like to look at the end result
We all point at the ******, ugly end and say
That's evil
And then we try and scapegoat, look for easy solutions
But really, we're all culpable

Born right, if this incongruous line is to be believed
****, from everything I've seen, why won't you let me be?
From the way they make it sound, I think i'll just pass up that pension

With this luck I'm not sure why I don't pass tests just guessing

If its multiple choice at least
(and it always is)
You can tell I'm more than fed up with the lack of agency
Developing around our common enemies
Festering, on the bloated *** of this so called society
Becoming a myiasis

And I'll never hear the end of it
From the kids to ugly to earn the extra credit
And from the back half of my grey matter
Turning numb from mindless chatter

But

Society will silently suffer
Burdened down with crowns churning from an endless gutter
Plastic trash meshing poorly, piling into a funeral pyre
Ever burning and choking out the fat-*** cooperate liars

No wonder gas mask production is up
As I'm getting ready to upchuck my lunch
Sorry for getting stuck, or regressive
But batter up, ****, get ready for restoration

Claiming good as bad
With every passing fad
Distracting all my would be comrades
Zombify the undergrads

I don't have time for mindless upheaval
And replacement

All my friend's lost the faith as rivers of untapped
Ichor potential drain from what could be

Still in a bad way, but learning to cope with
The constant pressure that's building behind my eyes

We lived for a pipe dream
But it seems fate had us occupied
Everything that life did entail
And predestination

With every other missed intro
And work that falls by my wayside
Finite we fight for empty tales
No longer a fail safe

Bloviating on and on about how it used to be
Ignoring the misery that plagues us to the day
With iron in hand, a blood spattered mistery
I eye up the crime scene of all of your dashed dreams

But tomorrow

We'll still wake up

And somewhere on the uptake, I'm sure you'll find the way

Into the path

I chose to take

You'll see I never gave up on what you threw away

There's no such thing as second takes, the reel got thrown away
Stop searching in the shadow, for a risk you'll never take
As time winds up around you, and brings you from your state
Why fight the intuition

Party guests now reconsider
What's tangled up their hair
Roaring gales on the horizon
Ripping tent stakes from the ground

Chemicals strong enough to shatter self assurance
Always in flux, never to be found
Down corridors, through time and space
Just a second to look away
Away and back again
And in that second, she's somehow changed
In time I couldn't seem to do
Anything beyond observe

With his back to what could be
Glass pressed up against his lips
A jester and his kin abiding
Falling through the firmament
Self deluded, self deluded
Only matters when I'm waking
Self assurance so elusive
And fragile in it's nature

Take me back.
God, take me back, and I'll do anything
To quiet backyards
Hidden agendas on a personal scale
Laughter in self assurance, forgetting
How little any of us care
Take me back, I long for
Lightning overhead
Sinking in the grandeur captured
On hills combed over
Dusk rolls in
I'm feeling sick
The longing ends
My skin is burning
Can't stop the spread
The panic rises
This heartless dread

"Dynamics change
People change
But let's keep being friends"

Can't stop the screaming
And I can't stop myself from reflecting what's around me

It in the sense of an ill defined other
A presence, formed from this collective
An awe falling, noticed in rapid pace
And details drawn out through a magnifying glass

To brush shoulders strained with pressure
A sentence gained through it's essence
I can't begin to comprehend it
I can't slow down, so overwhelmed

I long to lose myself in it
I'd give up this cursed shape
To lose myself
To become swept away

Glanced at my hands
And told me where I'd been
Something she said
I hadn't gone that far

Fell short again
Woke up in the back
With the sun setting

I will see you
Again, some day
It's not hopeless
It's something to reclaim

Living in our
Past mistakes that
Willfully, we recreate
Will end no better
Watching as this
Fade away
I'd be remiss not to say
I'll see you after

Through the smoke
We keep regressing
Though I
Let it go
I still hope
I'll see you after

I'm pretty sure it'd take forever, to tell you all the places that I've been
I swear to god, I'd live forever, if my soul could last until then

A hollow guess
Sinking fast
Never more than a misstep
I never really thought that we'd last

A stupid joke
Badly told
Whatever helps
Best find something to hold

Something to stand on

I'm pretty sure it'd take forever, to tell you all the places that I've been
But I swear to god, I'd live forever, if my soul could last until then

A hollow frame
Hung by a silver chord
Slowly played
Over the last open door

My final day
To make a change
Emotions fade
Even as I feel them more

I seldom speak

Anymore

I've found out that I'm too ******* bored

It would take me forever, to tell you all the places that I've been
You know I'd live forever, if my soul could last until then

If you did see me
Its on me
A mistake
To say the least

Please don't stop to question
If anyone
Really loves me

I always wake up feeling tired
Maybe more like exhausted
It's a struggle pulling myself out of bed
Maybe I've got a deficiency
My diet hasn't been great recently, so
It's always a possibility, I guess
I really should go get it checked
I haven't seen a doctor in years
But the lethargy won't let up enough
I feel no motivation
Sometimes, I'll get this ringing in my ears
That'll last for a while
It comes and goes, but
It's starting to freak me out

I tried getting a new haircut
It didn't seem to help
I'm just so tired all the time

This distillation manifesting in peculiar patterns
Swirling overhead
With eyes that track indirect and understated
Waves that come to slight heads before
Dissipating, I've yet to see them
Break

And there's an agitated dash of nature still
Lurking deep
In blinding, binding, ever present light
In color schemes
That this changing property offers still
Strange it seems
In calm neurosis, slipping through the deep
Brings such panic

A rhythm imprinted in this form
An engraving of the time that passed
Not my friend, no not my friend at all
Such panic, oh such panic
Oh, whatever it is I hold, I've held some time before
What I release, I do so of my own volition
A half truth I'll see myself beside

As I lie still, eyes wide, glaring at the ceiling
As I die slowly, effortlessly, can't stop my head from reeling
Hollow victories
So preoccupied with afterlife; the only meaning I can see in the cyclic thoughts
Entirely dependent on what I can become

I lay on my back
I stare at the ceiling
Winding my mind up
Thinking in patterns

Down on the carpet
Listening to traffic
Grasping at ghosts
Feeling like static

Nothing is concrete
But this feeling so lucid
Demands that I try
To bury myself in it

To become a mold
Static like an image
To hold on this pattern
To hold on anything

In my words, she read despair
A tone that rung so crystal clear
She took her meaningless, and loss of innocence
And watched as my heart began to break

In my voice she heard the fear
As my words fell into her ears
I couldn't bear to play it straight
As she watched me start to break

Thankless and adamant
Not a drop went to waste
I can't forget, a single day
As she laughed, and watched me start to break

**** it
I lied
I don't need to justify
My time, wasted with you in memory

Funny how things look so clear

Standing here, all alone
Surrounded by the ghost that haunt the
Air I breath, screaming now
Founded on the things I predicate

You watched my heart start to break

In my words, she read despair
A tone that rung so crystal clear
She took her meaningless, and loss of innocence
And watched as my heart began to break

Something or nothing
What a strange dichotomy

**** your teenage dream, I swear I'm happy in between

Pressure cooker locked around
slowly bearing down
Everything, never what it seems
No one ever see's what I mean

The fat all melts away
Mixed up with productive pain
Villainy is the new currency
For the kids with blood to bleed

Tragedy sells well
And tearing of chunks of soul
bodes well
If you can't tell the difference

Between hell and high water
Drowning to toll the bell
For the next guy
When even the dead inhale

Something or nothing
**** your false dichotomy

No one is happy
Everyone lives between

Disrespect the cause
And I will preach you pain
Even a curtain call
Couldn't end this play
Best get back to
Unattended graves

Something might surprise you

Show me the death stats, and I might go away
Live in the med bay, you'll die sooner, yeah?

For every human, monstrous man
Indict and lifeless
I still love you

Now I don't have much
I don't know how

But, tally the recap, each heads worth the same
Plus two for representation
Plus one for age

For every monster, every fan made
Calamity, monster, die making your own way
Indirectly life affirming
Unconcerned with what you take

I love you

I'm feeling harmony, looking in your eyes
I always feel alright, when I'm with you
It's this sense of empathy I can't feel otherwise
I always feel alright when we're together

Emotional currency creating dependence
Once dissonant tones start weaving together on repeated listens
Love and joy, the heartache and pain
Harp on these notes till they all bleed together

It'll always be different, don't you
remember how you feel when you're alone?
Suffer from this static human conditioning
Blacking out whenever connections form

Memory doesn't appear to be part of this game
Disharmonious thoughts, that we refuse to explore

In defense of myself, there's nothing I won't explore
Identity flux cauldron, mixture of various inputs
and Impulses I might've felt as a kid or even earlier

That's how it is, but maybe not how it should be
But natural order will sort itself out, so I digress
One thing hardly taken into consideration
Our own aptitude for our self destruction

It's internal loathing, perhaps rightfully deserved
I can feel it too, every second glance in a mirror
Could we still strive for a better end?
Tomorrow is a new day, after all

...

Vanity in sacrifice, adorned in white
Polished posture, so significant it seems
Furrowed brow, heavy with self occupation
Empty vessel, paraded, held in no regard
But the construct of time will tell
Reveal true motivations

Self aggrandizing, should death be your value
Well groomed in your simple wooden box
But inlaid with ivory, paid for with suggestions
Carefully plotted, like paving stones

Considering bitter ends, a new pass time
In some attempt to add a bit of sweetness to the taste

...

I fear I'm deflecting again
You, the brunt of my dissatisfaction
Erroneously placed, if I err, stay with me
Or I might drift away while I sleep

Monsoon morning glow, glinting off another dying ditch
Littering, barely twitching instrument of compact destruction.

Noticeably different, near juxtaposed against the back light.
Noticeably strained, a coming age relegated to natural composition

It's hard to hold, memory, fragile fleeting
Slipped from its hold so easily, another piece shattering as it falls.

Repetition breeding more empathy than I can continually malign.
Forceful premonitions, until the choice to deny is taken from me.
All my thoughts, premeditated, actions, all deliberate
The illusion of choice shattered before me, as I take up my ill gotten arms.

Bolster myself with courage I no longer deserve.

And I get scared about just having to wake up sometimes.

Not overly vocal, but the thoughts are unending
Self described pretentious, thoroughly fermenting
**** showing up for class, the course is unnecessary
Carrying bodies is better anyway

Throwing someone else's life away
Half measures lead to pain
I used to have options, how'd it get so late

Copious rhyme schemes, and not a single one calls to me
**** it, I'd rather be free anyway
Nothing really to say, other than I hate myself
Taking a pass on happiness for ***** and giggles

The struggle might be real for other people
But tell me why I should help
I'm pretty busy with my misery
And people look the same to me
I swear I've seen what there is to see already

Not all sinners want salvation
Not all saints deserve their faith
I'm a bit sick of constant elation
Motion to let the jury sit in

I want them to hear before they judge me
Love to me is just another disease
Even the sight might be enough
To disrupt my digestive process

Shut me right the **** up
See if I care

****
Can't believe I'm still here
It's been a crazy couple of years
Crazy in the scene, now I'm going crazy
Innocence taste
Just as good as it once did

Just like they once did
Took some ****
Now I couldn't ******* dream of
...

It

It being above me
Somewhere
Why the hell did no one seem to care?..
So self aware
Of my brainwaves
In this cramped and damp space

Dullards are lucky
****
I wish i could pick up a sawed off
And get these kids
Of my **** lawn
Then blow my brains
All before the break of dawn
And the break of my fast
I fasted change

Turns out all i got to eat
Is beans and toast
****, I guess i'll starve then

Back to the wall
Covered in  faces
mocking me
I know it
Show the rest of yourself
Then the youth you
Use as an excuse for good health
Won't do you much good
This is my neighborhood
Down here all alone

*******
I wish this house was a home
This grass could grow
Up my ankles
I'm as thankless as angles
With *******
Just missing some grace
Or some ****

Rest in piece, more like
(Heh)
Rust in place



I'm so alone....

Hope set on repetition
Single sentences, remittance
Cataclysmic, for a single state
Left to divide the remainder

Still, hypnotic trained psychosis
Found me scoffing at the notion
Growing old, centered delusional
Truth for something final

Dead-set pan, follow the camera, love that emotion, let it seep through

Lost, toppled bridges surrounding
Found more than a fair share of ashes
Corridors narrow enough...

Almost one in the morning, lost in the middle of some state or another
Neon lights come to a head, followed by the sound of the loose bulbs rattling in their sockets
Sounds of something crawling in the walls

I bet it all on retention
My whole life, I bet it all on retention

Marketable skills, not likely
Fighting for a  timepiece that
I know despises, time will pass
One way or another
Make it last, fat chance
Almost out of change and past
Mistakes ring straight through glass
Mark the date

I have a love hate relationship with nice weather
Warm nights in particular, where it would be just slightly too hot if not for a nice cross breeze
Bearable, when I've got company
Not that I have much company to spare

This **** is gutting up
Cutting up my gut
Like I give a ****
No, it's because I left just about everyone
Flailing around in my dust

I must confess
Swiftly address the constant droning
Running down the last seconds
It's such a mess
But what I meant to say, is
I hate the way I don't remember much of anything
Anymore

I see a new face
******* a
This disgrace never passes away
Like, did you not get paid?
Turn one eighty
Brand new face
Turn one eighty

Another new face

Keep mocking me, we will see
Who stands at the end
Of the **** you apprehend
Or keep
Fiend on the mend
I've all but exhausted my friends
Reserves running low
But holy god am I hopped up on
Battery acid

Classy eyes biding all the while

Stairs twisting around the snare
Bound up in an armchair
Executioners chariot

I came down from there
And became entrenched
Overcame the odds
Survived and now
I feel so odd
Or out of place
This newfound age
Is too ******* strange

I can no longer move my arms

I could never go the same way I came

There is no more hope of progression

Hell, I'm the result of a decade or more of some coddle culture
******* left over from safety scissors bound up in bubble wrap
Much to do about feuding parties of mopped up has beens

Gutted and mutilated by the dullest claws, vomiting out soliloquy to someone waiting off screen

Feeding on attention when I've got none left to spend
Endemic of the stations fashioned on the broken bones of little kids
Who do you think you're kidding
Fitting each misfit with a fistful of
Faux Information
And letting them sort it out with perfect indigantion
Each stroke of a pen left blood on the page
And you wage war warning all of the names written
The only fitting way for you to die
Is in the cause you've helped create

Facing facts

Fabrication is largely left to the mental state
Of intoxicated fake plastic yet venomous snakes
Imagination only limited by wavelength
Of who's thoughts can last longest
Who can outlast

What class is the farthest when ranks are displayed
With golden tradition on vest made of clay
Surrounded by privation
Formal ware decays

When dinner jackets are
Met with machine guns

If its won by numbers, the race will all starve and
If science is ******, vanquished gods walk the streets
The enemy is what we've seen in the dreams
Not what befalls us in countless nightmares

Daring

My scrap meat is metal to build my machine
Body of parts I was so denied
Lithe and disjointed
Foraging necessities
Festering sensitivities lead to machinated loss of life

Let it sink

This ship is filling with the inked material lies
You claimed I could safely sail upon
Bailing out every word I despise
Something tells me, I'll find nothing to drown in

Nine o'clock

Weaponry only to serve me in time
Once in the presence of what I will claim is mine
Deep inside, rooted in every peer
Fear is the malady keeping them occupied

Each click represents a reclamation
Every time

A scene that's so endemic of life that you've transpired
As you're using your last cigarette to light a burnt out signal fire

The sparks racing along the edge, friction coming to a head
Entertain my thoughts as you remember that this is just a dream

Each and every time it seems is captured in a frame
Pressed down by the hands of time, and left to rot in flame

Underlying uncertainty, left to my insanity
Entertain my thoughts as I tell you that this is all a dream

If I only had some wings
I'd fly right the **** away
If I had the strength to change
I wouldn't change a single thing

Island paradox
To cut my own arms off
Just to survive, a couple minutes more
Slowly wondering
How much I should sleep
when countless options drift right past my door

And I don't think this is  something to change
Deify the death defying lingering fate
Something, leaning on the plans we make
Before we see the high tide begin to abate

Caught up in the rapids, I feel my life drain from me
Pulled in to the raging sea by the current yet unseen

Caught up in the maelstrom, each second of uncertanty
Leaves me catching my breath, but between every breath

Its all fun and games
Then I try and simplify
But all complacence
Leads to every current in my life

Reminds me of the time that I spent, time that I wasted.
Til the past and the future blend, and I feel so complacent.
Lost amid waves, formed in the wind of
Summer nights and lies that I told myself as a kid.

Now there's nothing honest left, except things to remember by.
A thousand little tokens, to remind me of every night
I let emptiness fill me, felt so fulfilling at the time,
But now I'm left to reminisces, realize I can't rewind.

I guess it takes more than a mess of emotion
To paint another picture, perfect, something envoking
The ideas that got me through the day, I heard it said, once again
There's never going to be another way forward

I take another shot in the dark, another empty park
Held in place by time itself, left to vacant dark, I take
Yet another step in place, too afraid to grow up
Holding off every force that i know of, as of late

I've been stuck in my head for long as I can remember
My memories tied to the presence of weather
All my best are nestled in cloudy days with the
Scent of rain so reminiscent, find myself stuck in these visions
Clinging to blind faith in
Emotions
Memories
So far gone, and I keep forgetting to make new ones

Stay true to your mind
Inner calm, inner calm
Inner...
...
Buckling under pressure
Stay true to yourself
A few minutes
All these questions
Could've...
Thought...
About...
That...
Before...

Stop­.

...

Inner calm
Breathe

It's cold
It's too ******* cold
Help
Help
It's getting worse
Help.

What's that?
I think it's the door
I focus on that little worming, niggling voice
Burning
In the back of my throat

There's no point.
Help.
HELP

I want god
I want clousure
All I've ever wanted was to find my own finality

I need death
I need fate
All my life I've lived for a clear path to take

And what I get
All I can find
Is a million blinking lights to pass the ******* time

Won't someone come around
And put me out of my misery?
Don't you know I've been found?
Again?
Again

There's nothing more to gain
From slogging through this pain
And every single road
Is just the same

All I want is something dry
Somthing for the mind
Got anything that can preoccupy?

Theres nowhere to go
And theres no more direction
I'm getting sick of returing to my home


The time is getting late
And I had best be going
I'm gotten tired, searching for my fate

Has led me to the edge
And walked me right back, back again
Back to the roads

Yeah, and every road still looks just the same

Solve the cipher
Find the answers
  
I know

You won't make it
Becoming broken
Out on your own

Free the vision
From the daylight
Before it fades

The waking world
Is not a place
You must emancipate

Thoughts alone
Free and fleeting

No amendments
False commandments
Rain down from the clouds

You're holding on...
Too late, its too late, you must know
Let it go
Corpse sober, crumbling, not so slow

Feed the cycle
Feed the new air
Clean the new skies

Eye of god

Broken security, better left to fend for
Single motives
I didn't care, or maybe couldn't
Prolonging my litany

Bad ideas, and all encompassed
Condensed in soil
All that weight that had at one time escaped me
Rooted in
Bound limb, still barely shaking in the wind

Rushing in, though silent
In the darkness, remained for the time being
For a while after
It remained unseen, and I never let it break
Unless I were to lose more in the crest
Than in the gentle erosion

Wistful despite my destitute
Predetermination
As the hallowed ground, ebbing between the night air
Saturated in amenity
Became all it could be

Should it have a will of its own
Saturated in its bleak acceptance
Breathing in the cold satisfaction

As slow and listless as the realization that
Dawned across the shallow boughs
In the fragile shadows stretching across the
Few stragglers
Ill content to let the ground below
Starved fields
Go unrepentant, for even the time being
And slowly, I look up
See the world stretching on
It's not for
The wait
For the post-mortem
So selflessly fed that disconnect

Too jealous to justify
I earnestly belived I could capture
These ever passing moments in time

And as each one falls past my fingertips
As coarse words fall from my unkempt lips
I only find myself cursing
The lucky few, for whom words are never amiss
And am left still rehearsing
Searching for a way to capture bliss

Too depressive for my own good
And far too negative
Tortured? No
That might imply I can be understood

Lightweight?
That's a bit closer I suppose
I'd ask you to do it
If I thought you would

Overblown and borderline
Constantly finding ways to undermine
To my detriment
To retreat or to repent
Or keep going
Down this beaten path I did invent

Ages pass

Years fly by

Days crawl on till there's hardly any time

Finite and dwindling

Ever draining supply

I still can't find a way to aliviate what's on my mind.


Might as well keep writing down
The same thing

...

I'd die in my sleep just to dream again, breath again
I would lie to myself just to pretend that I could move on

Its only as hard as you think it is
The Sentiment's
Only around till the season ends, and I know

I wish I understood where I go
In the moments between, when I'm defined
A map of me, written down on a stereo

I've only got enough change, to make it somewhere close
Where do you want to go?

Days that bleed together come up so unclaimed  
Rising out of nowhere
And falling just the same
Stretching out before me, I see sleepless nights
And  a lifetime filled with pain

The storeroom full of daydreams is looking rather forced
I've used up every fantasy, and still I'm still staying the same course

But here comes the refrain
The mantra I try to entertain
Famine is a constant flame
That burns down to the core of man
And lets you understand
Just how this life will end
And there's no real way to win this game

I think i understand when people talk
Even when there's nothing good enough to say
Everybody's lonely on this road, and as we walk
They just want to stave off the silence

We are what we are
I am what I am

Nothing but a replica
Of imagined will
For all this effort
Scrapes don't fade
On porcelain skin

Always closer than you ever think it is, one
Little slip, and you're straight through the abyss
Finding out in the end, all life ends. Carrion.
Vultures with eight tracks and tape decks

Copulation and emotion means I'm breeding ****** hatred
And I hate it
Mockeries of notions once raised
In earnest
Flirting with danger, burning moth to the flame
Stirring up anger with a few thoughts on pages
Irking, and senseless, the ******* sensation

Self righteous indignation, taking words of the page
Same goes for the gumption, with wars that I wage with myself
Heath goes first, better or worse
Slit eyelids, cause it can't hurt to see straight

It's always closer than you ******* think it is, one
Little slip, and this bleakness you insist
In existing in, ends, without a prerogative
As opaque as ever, severing lungs

Servitude, I could never miss, its
Fluid as my thoughts on narcissist

To anyone, left here once I'm gone
Hard to say, but I hope you know inner complacence
In this world, its too easy to live on
I hope that I have crossed your mind, every day since

And I've known, for quite a while now
Cynicism only serves the heedless
Hatred is for the lazy, I've found out
And needless, for lives no longer seamless

I'm just

driving layers through my skin
Breaking up, breaking in
Forcing sunshine through my veins

Moving on, taking place
Taking stride, saving face
Never waiting for the chance to change

I wonder, do you think of me at all
Because you live in, deep inside my mind
And although, the past is dead
These bridges burn inside my head
I find, its the eyes that leave me enthralled

Silky smooth, and so untainted
Reminisce, then demonstrate
How my hope has been sedated
By myself
And no one else
A light that will never sate
A couple plans, we can never make
Gasping until I nearly fainted
Breathless from the way

I parted ways

Is it the same for everyone
How it is for me
Willing away uncertainty
Warding against every mundane change

You all saw so clearly that I bleed
Thought this could give me what I need
And I know, someone thought the same

I can't see the bright side
Why'd you look me in the eyes
This time

But let's
Go
Out or something
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday

So let's
Head
Down to the lake house
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday
All the time

Fatigued of hand prints woven in the breeze
Corporeal winds tactfully stealing away decay are best left to their myopic ruination
There's no taste in the world beyond dull green hedges

Grown weary of waking, sequestered themselves in dreamy twilight, eating from otherworldly trees, evidenced by the mirth newly formed in their once glazed eyes
Mirth, though a flimsy facade, masking an ineffable cruelty malignantly circling their hearts, invoking fleeting fancy that they know all too well will lead down, down into dark, is mirth nonetheless
Perhaps the sobering drunkenness through which dust soliloquy echoes, sonnets rising like smoke through crown candy, unfurls heightened sensations
Through tactile impressions; how they approach their apex of disenchantment
Unfurling their broken spirits
Where the fay pixies dance under burning sky, their flaking flesh rises like smoke, rejoining a procession of white evening fire
Quivering with their feeding, needles against withered bark against the fire behind, marring the space between hazy, ill defined borders
The satyrs acting droll prophets of ashen groves, places where the soul becomes re-imagined
Under pinprick enteral, a serpent on every branch, danger and recompense united in a cohesive, all pervasive, cyclical motion
And it comes at all hours, and all is golden, all is fire, and all rests on the vestiges of the restless, countless, formless faces freed of their dull, gray stone
Stone of the satyr's legs
Spat between their golden teeth, laughter bubbling below the skin
Burgeoning machinery under earth green cloak, lightning bereft of destruction tunneling through the shadow
As they take their places, with sordid mirth still warm within
Drought of the ageless, apparent calamity reflecting in the pools of reason
And still the dead air laughs

Let them dance the dance of death
In it's pure expression, the tension it creates is seldom contemplated in isolation

I still love you
But no candles burn for you here
Thoughts of you grow thin, as I compose the faces
They're all waxing and waning, in tandem with the tides
Silver flecked through tiny wings
Catching effervescent light
No quality of life
If life is to be sought, it'll only be rent
As it once was, so it will be
Again, and again, and again and again

Stupid stuff, looks like
A diamond in the ruff
Wrapped in cellophane
And spray painted gold

Did you find it
A little odd when you
Searched for your alarm clock
And found it silent
Sewn in your violent
Rage induce youth
Machinery ticking out
What time you still had left

Fighting tooth and nail
Got me in this mess
The Diamond glistens as I turn my head away
Fingers are blessed with venom still red
Burning my fingertips with dreams that I still replay

How they left when I dug deep in

I only wish that I could see my face
When
I found out the the change I needed
Wasn't something I could get

Fettered to the cause
Bought and found lacking but marred
By the dept I will own
Who dares atone with
Loans unpaid and hearts now repentant
I will die in iron
Finer than china
As the rust soaks in every bone

I am still saving
I've got so much left to save
I've come to face down the endless possibility

Each second ticks out
A weight bearing down
How we live like
This isn't something

Irreverence still speaks to me
Taunting
With chains soft enough
To make me forget that
I think
I am nothing
And Listlessness still loves me
Dragging me further
Through means of persistance

Ah, but
Am I wrong
...
Do I want to be

And some think the world will go up in flames
When everyone comes into work soaked in gasloline
And when I open the book of the saints
It will be stained with match books and empathy

What will stand
When it stands
What is stained
Burns clean

Life finds a way
To survive despite the simplicity
For the love of death
And/or all that is holy
For the love of what we
All took for granted
And wish less missed the mark
By more that a few inches

Investment
Proper planning less demanding
Blowing out like a candle
Burnt through and drowning
In my own wax

Stay classy world, its going to be a long one

Stay active always until it starts to bite
At the space behind your eyes
As you lie to yourself that you still have health left
If integrity isn't what you're interested in

In the end its fun enough to bloat
Forgetting your true status because
Despite your best intentions you choose to forget
The drugs only get you so far
And you speed up the natural ending

So many enemies to create for the **** of it
So many amazing new creations to unlock like
A mason, stare into the stone and wonder why
It comes up looking like you put
So little heart into the thing you've just bled dry for

Like, why do we lie about the things we have and have not
Like dropping yet another line lower is something
To be proud of
And picking up something else someone else cant
Is tantamount to an accomplishment

I was never good at improv
And life isn't that funny anyway
To make a joke out of it is intrinsic to staying alive
But finding time to praise the idols of false self made
Mannequins

Too many humans lost themselves and punk rock is dead
So time to end it

Conflicting me
How you can't sleep
Despite the way
I hold the shape of you

In restless dreams
Should we be
Together now
Or is it overdue?

It's hopeless, true
Somehow we find
Despite our luck
The tables refuse to move

To sever us
From the past mistakes
We might've made

But time is falling again
And we're falling along side
The sun is burning again
For the first time, in a long time

We're better off
Can't you see
Our lights are dead and gone

Without the light of the world
We can take to the sea

And without a trace, we'll disappear
Beyond the tallest waves
That separate
And in the night

Maybe you'll be complete

A secret undiscovered
What was that thing you mentioned?
Keep changing stories round til
We run out of happy endings
Maybe I was mistaken
Is that a risk worth taking?

If I don't fall apart
Could I catch the bits of falling star
If I replay the words you said
Could I somehow make this right again?

Or do we fall apart?
Memories go bad before they're gone
Just how we live this life
Nothing.
Never.
It isn't right.

Saying no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say
You say you're not to blame
Isn't that easy for you
To
Say.

And in the morning light I
Woke up with your reflection
A picture perfect doll that
Sparks the best, my recollection
Igniting passions left so
**** unattended

So quick to move ahead
We might've left it wrong again
Is there anything that we could save?
As we dig another shallow grave

And then we fall apart
Memories turn bad, and then are gone
Burning fragmented lives
Turn on each other, out of spite

And you say no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say

It was less than half an honest moment, but
I could still feel our minds entwine like roots
Forming, out of sight, out of our thoughts
Beyond our narrow scope, and I could feel the
Tendrils weaving around the core of me
I could feel _ spiraling down from above
Through feet of clay and mud so apologetically removed
By layer

Numbered, if formed at all, I
Arranged them all so carefully, but...

And then it was over
Roots having bred through it all, and survived long after
To this day

I've been choking on the fumes of violets
Intoxicating voices, soft and sweet
I feel every ounce of it inviting
It won't be long before its everything

I don't want to be the one to bring me down
But I'm forgetting how to breath

I don't know if you're even here
But, can you hear me...

I'm walking on the gentle roses
Blinded by my own second sight
Questioning if any body knows it
Each footstep leaving not a sound

I don't want to see you cry
But I've been suffocating

And I don't know if you still hear
But if you hear me...

This was a misstep of my mind
Please, give me something real
Instead of the flowers I've tried to find
If you hear me

I know I've said too much ****
And yes, I must seem sure
But I think its come time to admit
I need something more

Can you hear me