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You were asked if you wanted to get together and
you said probably. Now that answer’s haunting me
after seeing how quickly  probably turns into not
with me. You just promised me probably for a
proper flee from damaged property. Do you think
if you said maybe I’d assume you hate me? No
would’ve been the correct route to go instead of
engendering excessive expectations for my existence.

Pastors probably preach patience but paradigms
shift once penetrated by paramount peer pressure.
Answers are hard to find when only probably is
spoken by God to me. I’m probably an oddity that
doesn’t know what probably means, but I guessed
it meant yes unless something unforeseen happened
to be. But probably just means you’re not for me
less awkwardly.

I don’t know where to begin, probably when you told
me my live for you was a sin. I don’t know when it
ends, probably when I have no more time to spend. I
don’t know who I am, probably the guy that fell for
love’s scam. I don’t know what I desire, probably to
extinguish love’s fire.
g Apr 1
go back to where it began:
trombone / cob nut / tadpole / violin /
you fell —
and i have not breathed it since
except that hot summer;
when we excavated
an entire roman village of chicken bones
from the soil
where now there are none
copyright gb 2020
hannah in spring Sep 2019
Does it ever really happen?
That illusive miracle
Where two people
Truly love each other?
Doesn't seem like it to me.
faith Sep 2019
meds have been working
head has been hurting
forever needing sedation
truthfully wondering why
i even get up and try
resisting every temptation

to cut myself feels so familiar
on my legs and tummy and arm
once on my neck
i wish somebody else would cut me
euphoria

i’ll only rhyme when i want to
i’ll always cry when i say your name
if we had another chance you
might cut off my wings as a game

cut off my wings
right my wrongs with my blood
cut on my body
just deep enough, love

you taught me that love is irrelevant
because i loved you with everything
and yet our love was bad, black, burnt
and even though i loved you,
i’d have still walked away the same
because i always knew you’d be the end of me

and now it’s been so many years since you cradled my face
and the thought makes me cringe
because even though i didn’t say no
losing my virginity wasn’t what i wanted

not there, not then, not yet
but it was gone and then you were gone
and i slowly realized you never loved me
i was just like the rest

expendable and unimportant
at least, that’s how you made me feel in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i gave you what innocence i had left
and you ruined my soul
a permanent mark
i still have nightmares of you
i still wake up screaming
you etched yourself into me
and left me sitting in the gutter on your street above mine at night without touching me without looking at me without tears and without shame

i will forever regret you, but i could never take you back
it was an uncontrollable connection - karmic
fate i think because
you taught me what love was
and what love felt like once corrupted

now i no longer mistake lust for love
i recognize that love is nothing like how i thought it to be
love is easy
love flows like grass in the wind
it doesn’t feel scary or forced
love is much more than pretty words left on my front porch

love isn’t abusive or harmful
love isn’t doing everything to please another
love isn’t lies
love isn’t you

but it’ s interesting,
now i no longer suffer abuse
and yet i must inflict physical pain on myself
to feel alive

dear cutting,
thank you

love, me
9 - 17 - 19
hannah in spring Jul 2019
I would talk
But there's nothing to say
I would take you
But there's nothing to save
Short and edgy. Title is a Manson song.
Bygone are the maybes of yesteryear,
Make way for the probably's of today.

Goodbye,
Gone are the ways of those festering years,
All those tears of sorrow.

Twenty-Five years, and far too many fears,
Have given way,
to the absolutely,
The easily,
The finally's of tomorrow.
Xallan Jan 2019
I sit here a future stoner, my
Eyes temporarily clear, my mind temporarily dark,
Permanently limited in its functioning.
Muscles, relaxed. Permanently limited,
With deformed and misshapen lungs-
Still my tremulous heartbeat now
I no longer wish to go on living
While I can hear myself think.

I sit here a future stoner,
Hallucinogenic mysteries yet to unfold
Third eye yet to be awakened.
The pathways my nerves traverse
Are as they are always to be-
Faded, in the distance,
Weak signals to weak muscle,
Broken fragments of neural communication
An inferior being staring skyward.

I sit here a future stoner, with
Pupils dilated and mind blank
Unaroused, faulty, frail human body
Destined, intended not to reproduce
I seek ecstacy in love of myself
In a delirious haze of dreams
Someday I will have enough of a smokescreen,
To hide the truth from myself
To become free to love as I am
Or as I will become.

I sit here a future stoner
And my mind writhes in its chaos
Stilled to a solid worm
By the order of this music
It tames my thoughts
It allows my deformed lungs to breathe
I inhale without command
Upon instinct, and oxygen again
Becomes an old friend bearing me up
Upon gaseous clouds of delucion
I will fly beyond these limits of
My pitiful reasoning, beyond this wayward logic,
Nay, even beyond imagination.
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