I wanna let you know
You are the only guy for me
I leave
It hurts me so
With you wish I could always be
The hardest part
Letting go
I have to say goodbye
Though I try to force time to slow
Keeps on passing by

I thought you were my ride or die
Now I sit here asking why
Why do you not love me the way I love you?
Your feelings changing
Can’t mine change too?
I wish I did not care so it wouldn’t hurt this much
Run further away the tighter I clutch
I wish we were still same two people who fell head over heels
Watched as we changed
I hate how this feels
I told you my secrets and my biggest fears
In return you remained by my side throughout the years
You have made life better than I ever expected
Tried my best to keep you from feeling neglected
I know not the easiest person to be around
You’re there each time I need help up off the ground
I promise will never stop fighting for what we’ve got
A reason you overtake each and every thought
Are you lying?
You say you’re still in love with me
There’s someone else who with you'd rather be
When saying “always” I meant you’d always have my heart
Guess when you said it you meant I’d always have a part
But that piece I will cherish and save
Carry til I’m resting in my grave
I thought I would be your ride or die until the very end
Guess that to you our relationship is dead

Sitting in room we used to waste hours in
Visions of past make my skull spin
No matter what I chase to distract from your face
Nothing strong enough to take it's place
When dark is when I suffer the most
Shadows ideal home for your ghost
Take me to place
Take into your arms
Imagining
Whole body warms
Return to your side
Return to your bed
Release from the torment inside my head

Walking into an
Empty forgotten bar to
Drink your name away

There is one lesson you taught me
Sticks out more than the rest
And that is to love myself at my worst
Not only when I am my best

This is not refusal of happiness
A desperate plea for attention
It is a manifest of emotion
Not some imaginary invention

There is a madness populating my head
Billions of shouting ugly voices
Every one an echo of my own
Spelling my lack of choices

Lately hopeless feelings have grown
A desolate cold orchard
Blossomed a place I belong
I'm welcome but also tortured

I have laid down my roots in quicksand
I'll be withered by afternoon
A pile of wilted petals
Unless I am picked by someone soon

Everyone says
"Do whatever makes you happy"
Don't mention the cost of it though
You do not know the price until your choices
Come collect and tell you what you owe

In moments you don't realize
Consequences of what you do
Only after it's too late
You can see what would have been best for you

Some decisions too expensive
Until you get the bill you won't know
By then you can't go back and choose
Different directions to go

So bear in mind that every action
And mistake is a tattoo
No matter how costly our regrets
Every one we can never undo

Every day is a
Battle to keep taking steps
Forward and not back

Hate is one emotion I am not capable of
For you

Though you are stormclouds dropping rain on my rundown brain until I am drenched and shivering
No downpour hard enough to drown the love filling my heart

(Only for you)

Hope you choke on words
Lies you spit so easily
Crammed down your own throat

You must love me because nothing else makes sense
Kind words you say rarely sneak past my defense
Yet you patiently compliment me daily
Even on days I am ungrateful or crazy
Sometimes feel like I treat you unfair
Or think I would prefer not having you there
I wish I didn't care about you so much
Reacting angrily when you revoke your touch
You reflect the same doting affection
Your pupils are reluctant to gaze my direction
So do not pretend that after all these years you still feel the same
Don't know when or how or what exactly-but something's changed
Because it's obvious you love me by the way you tell me and how you act
No one else would have stayed this long and that's a fact
And it brings so much shame to watch your sad face stick around
Hold on out of concern for the love to which it's bound
But when begged to do what's right for you and go far away
You never fail to find an even better reason to stay
I push you away from me in fear one of us will get hurt
Scared getting close is pointless cause we'll never work
And right when I'm about to pass the point where it's too late
I turn around realizing I'm making a mistake
Again and again the cycle repeats
You never surrender or admit defeat
I need to accept your love isn't fading
No matter how much I deserve degrading
Not one single thing I've done to prove he depths of my attraction
You are alright giving me your whole focus when you only get a fraction
Why can't I provide the security you need?
Used to be able to do anything for you to succeed
Now I have lost all motivation and hope
Remembering how I once was able to control stifled rage and cope
I can be cold and often don't play fair
More than anything I am grateful to have you there
Sometimes get mad at you when it's not your fault
Assumptions spark a critical verbal assault
When angry "I love you" is so hard to say
We are best friends but it doesn't always feel that way
Lately feel excluded from your present life
Can't wait to be free of your soon-to-be-ex-wife
To wake from the nightmare I accidentally created
Eyes opening to a day where I am just someone you dated
A morning where love hasn't got you wrapped in chains
Not obligated to handle my pains
Maybe that Dawn will arrive; hopefully not
I will do my best and our happy ending I will plot
I'll make you proud, we will finally be
The happy family so unfamiliar to me
Please be patient my love, soon we will laugh and smile
Life is so ****** up right now, you make it more worthwhile
Believing your words though difficult to hear
Because if you didn't love me you wouldn't be here

(Verse 1:)
I like the way your mind works
Wanna see what's inside your brain
Way your light blue eyes act just like a windowpane
I am stuck here on the outside in the pouring rain
You are inside
Warm and dry
In a place so sane
You said I don't have the right
That I don't know your pain
Keep driving forward
Stay out of your lane
Like we were behind steering wheels
Fast-paced action movie reel
One where we steal an automobile
Run away to Jamaica or Brazil
But that would be too ideal
Silver screen **** is not real
Do you own a gun?
Cause you blow my mind
In a tight spot
A bind
Screaming at you some of the time
Other half I treat you kind
Resolution we cannot find
No cooperation
Or compromise
Two of us are misaligned
I cant leave the past behind
Our souls stay intertwined
This love ****'s got me blind

(Hook:)
I have told people how I felt before
Begged them to hear but this is more
You want to know what's held in my heart
We're together but I'm torn apart

(Verse 2:)
The horizon longs for an endless sunset
Pinks
Reds
Colors so violent
Flesh and blood painted
Shades vibrant
Not ready to face the end of the day yet
Congratulations!
You are alive
Welcome each morning with two open eyes
Free as birds without wings to fly
That's just reality
I guess that's life
It's so crazy at times I think that's why
There is magnetism between you and I
You are yin to my yang
The dark to my light
Most beautiful thing on which I've laid sight
If I sat back
Reclined
While this whole thing plays out
In my room
Headphones on
Listening to music loud
It would be you I write about

(Hook)

(Verse 3:)
If we kiss will it bring you back from the dead?
Resurrect your body and take mine instead?
Breath stolen from my lungs for just one second
Fogging up mirrors to hide from my reflection
Suppose you did not need me to love you and care
Woke up in my arms today but tomorrow might not be there
A bridge burnt
Am now rebuilding
But it goes nowhere
Putting faith in what's made out of thin air
When eyes are closed I truly can see
Make my heart pound
Make it hard to breathe
I believe you belong with me
I can never be sure if you agree

Be honest
Do you baby?
...Do you agree?
That we're meant to be...?

Emptiness has built a home I inhabit trapped inside my shell
If I remain here at least I'll make it look a little less like Hell
My thoughts form with cohesive structure
Dancing with clumsy pictures that slice and puncture
Do the words I am saying make any sense?
Or are they just ramblings of a mind depressed?
Closing in towards the end of strength and will
The finish line seems further still
No one near cheering me on
As I stumble this one-man marathon

Life's a cage not a stage

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching
I have not one clue
What I could get you to show you I care
Or worthy thing I could do

Because you deserve more than I can afford
What I can make with my hands
I am broke so my options are limited
You are one person who understands

That's why we are perfect for eachother
If we are together that's all we need
In tune with the others thoughts
Minds can practically read

Above all we cherish our love
Put our relationship first
Endured a lot of ups and downs
Withstood the very worst

After five Cupids Days united
Only care that you are mine
The way celebrated doesn't matter
As long as you're my Valentine

I am painting myself in shades of grey
Dipping the brush
Contouring away
Bright colors have no place here today

I am sorry for the pain I put you through
The shame you bottle deep down
Though you have only yourself to blame
For why I am no longer around

Yet I feel guilt within
Should've held on a little longer
Promised I'd never leave you a thousand times
I thought our love was stronger

I learned nothing is what it appears
Not feelings or words trusted the most
Let the illusions fall one by one
As they crash I am forced to watch up close

You do not care how it makes me feel
To be neglected again and again
And endlessly stabbed in the heart
By the one I consider my best friend

Hoping to be more than a backup plan
You are cruel and careless sometimes
Sunshine warning heart's together
I can't compete with how radiant it shines

All I desired was to light up your world
Be better like you don't deserve
Lying to myself, I claim I tried
Over and over exasperation stabs each nerve

Dissatisfied with abilities
I resent you, myself, and all I'm not
Trying harder to accept flaws
Failure masks the good traits we've got

I'm a hopeless romantic
Painted the sky a false shade of blue
This is to let you know I'm sorry
It is not all your fault, I made mistakes too

I thought I wanted to be clean
Never had that with you
Always been too complacent
Found myself addicted too

But forgive me for fantasizing
Hard to give this one up
It seems like we call for a refill
Right before we reach the bottom of the cup

You will not ever call it quits
There's still that awful hope
Inside that keeps me holding on
Have never quite been able to cope

With the idea of living without your touch
Maybe I need to accept
Never be able to breathe alone
Do anything to forget

So I'll try to abstain from drugs
Hurt by own expectations
Hollow and heavy simultaneously
Feeding our eternal damnations

There is an ocean dragging down
Sinking right there with you
Determined to catch or pull ahead
Save or at least crash before you do

Breeding loneliness
Quiet rooms
The parts that we lost
The color no longer flushing our cheeks
Eyes forever glossed

Stuck finding you becoming stronger
To my surprise
Your thoughts to me as they appear
They're corrupted with lies

Silence reveals missing self-truths we seek
Tell myself to focus on it
You often provoke me to anger
I can only blame you a bit

Tell you that you are wonderful
I love you for who you are
Part of me burns with envy
Alone
I sit somewhere far

It is easier to fight than explain
I'm upset when nothing's wrong
Feelings the result of hormones
Chemicals in my skull so strong

Emotions can't seem to stop
I have to maintain
Over and over they openly try to control me
Inside of my brain

I feel depression sinking deeper
With overwhelming fear
Time has taken its toll on us
Do you want to be here?

Slow progress
Better than rushed progress

To me flaws are as clear as day
Isn't much point in hiding them away
Heard it's supposed to be cold tonight
Freezing them til they crack isn't right

I happen to be desperate and so wrong
Search for a place where I really belong
Wander a path, can I make it straight?
Could if I hurry but I always hesitate

Trees and their leaves wither and change
Forest, without reason, begins to rearrange
To transform with is my aim
To my dismay, my flaws stay the same

You never were the best at opening up wide
Preferring instead to trap weakness inside
To walk these thin lines between love and hate
You've mastered a particular gait
So that you don't trip over perplexity
Playing hopscotch to avoid injury
Limping from your phony pain
Past scars long healed
It seems like make-believe wounds are the only ones revealed
Recent crash in interest leads to exaggerated claims
Fishing for attention just a part of your games
Head over heels
My heart beats blood red
Pounding in fear that your devotion is dead
You said last time you checked your feelings had not faltered
But if that's true then tell me why your behavior has altered
You'd give anything to make me happy
Except your time
My expectations are steadily lowered while accusations climb
To go back to the beginning is my greatest desire
Embers are all that remain of a once raging fire
Wearing a pair of lacy ******* in hopes they will make you stare
But the sad reality is even that won't make you care
I know you never meant for things to end up the way they are
Neither one of us realized we would take extremes this far
Yeah back in our youth we were naive but strong
Over the years we succumbed to the current nudging us along
Never thought we'd see the day our dreams caved in and switched to doubt
Now your presence is a privilege I might have to live without

Pull me out from depths of the prison of panic and fear I inhabit

One small phrase willing words straining against bars of my ribcage to slip through
And be released

Passion the officer responsible for overturning the former guilty verdict
In favor of a tentative plea bargain

To let solitary confinement end

Along with the silence that had been my cell since the very first day
Of my self-inflicted sentence

Now I sense a shift
As the emotion locked tight finally is allowed the sweet taste of freedom

As the door to jail my heart was enclosed in opens with a click
The words I have been holding hostage are trapped no more

Escaping my lips with surprise

My feelings in chains no more

"I love you too"

I poured my heart out for you on these pages
Does that prove I am better than the rest?
If I spelled each serious word carefully placed with purpose
Would you care I plucked them straight from my chest?

Dangling from pride by flimsy feeble strings
Pathetic pieces float uncertain and shaking
Hastily tied them to my heart as they arose
Now those timid concerns and domesticated woes are mine for the taking

I keep them close to use only when needed
To project palaces or prisons for my protected thoughts
One by one I pull emotions from inner walls
And other tucked away hiding spots

They burrow further as suffering increases
Yet no matter how deep they dig
I still hear their mournful muffled hum
In my eardrums starting small then growing big

That is the twisted key to my success
Smiling as I spill secret sorrow
Taking others to a place seldom seen
Boundless heights that will move tomorrow

Unburdened yet incomplete without these emotions
Only seem to flourish in fear or agony
I summon these wild feelings from my soul
To show exactly what you mean to me