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Nov 2020
I thought I wanted to be clean
Never had that with you
Always been too complacent
Found myself addicted too

But forgive me for fantasizing
Hard to give this one up
It seems like we call for a refill
Right before we reach the bottom of the cup

You will not ever call it quits
There's still that awful hope
Inside that keeps me holding on
Have never quite been able to cope

With the idea of living without your touch
Maybe I need to accept
Never be able to breathe alone
Do anything to forget

So I'll try to abstain from drugs
Hurt by own expectations
Hollow and heavy simultaneously
Feeding our eternal damnations

There is an ocean dragging down
Sinking right there with you
Determined to catch or pull ahead
Save or at least crash before you do

Breeding loneliness
Quiet rooms
The parts that we lost
The color no longer flushing our cheeks
Eyes forever glossed

Stuck finding you becoming stronger
To my surprise
Your thoughts to me as they appear
They're corrupted with lies

Silence reveals missing self-truths we seek
Tell myself to focus on it
You often provoke me to anger
I can only blame you a bit

Tell you that you are wonderful
I love you for who you are
Part of me burns with envy
I sit somewhere far

It is easier to fight than explain
I'm upset when nothing's wrong
Feelings the result of hormones
Chemicals in my skull so strong

Emotions can't seem to stop
I have to maintain
Over and over they openly try to control me
Inside of my brain

I feel depression sinking deeper
With overwhelming fear
Time has taken its toll on us
Do you want to be here?
I've finally had it. This time I mean it when I say either get clean with me or live without me. I've never been one for ultimatums but I cant take the pain anymore.
Amanda Kay Burke
Written by
Amanda Kay Burke  25/F/Alaska
     BLT, Imran Islam and Skylar
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