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Haley Lana Dec 2023
Love, oh my love,
you left me defenseless;
no gods above,
no miracle on Christmas.
.
Memories of you
slip through my fingers:
they leave me too;
melancholy lingers.
The protective veil
I weaved from our past
threatens to fail,
flags at half-mast.
Transparent and frail
like a plastic bag;
a soundless wail,
a threadbare rag.
.
My anemic hope,
my castle of denial -
a thinning rope,
dusk to a sundial.
.
And there are days when I surface
- gasp for air and scour for land -
till the waves pull me in the blackness,
back to the despair I understand.
.
And you won't read this one,
this one will stay
at the bottom of an ocean,
out of your way.
.
20.12.2023.
(for G.)
Haley Lana Dec 2023
Fight against time, I try to remember;
it slips away like fragments of a dream;
our every moment - a winter ember -
fades as I silently scream.
.
And sweet oblivion doesn't follow:
it leaves me feeling empty and cold;
Without those memories I am hollow,
need them to warm what's left of my soul.
.
I cling desperately to pieces and bits:
each shared laugh and each kiss,
and then even harder the truth hits:
you're gone and I'm alone in the abyss.
.
I stare at our photo for far too long,
wonder if I could have done more;
I hear you in every love song,
still need you in my very core.
.
I bought a perfume just like yours -
pathetic, I know, but it helps me sleep -
I hold your hoodie like a protective force,
to feel like somehow a piece of you I keep.
.
And I need you to know I want you to live,
to be as happy as you can be;
I wish you the best life can give,
even if it's without me.
.
19.12.2023.
(for G.)
Haley Lana Dec 2023
War
As the snowy days grow colder,
I'm in the trenches, like a soldier:
a war against my own heart.
.
Shrapnel, bullets, drying blood
surround me in the mud
since we've been apart.
.
My enemy knows no reason,
cares not for negotiation;
moving on for it is treason;
accepts no explanation.
.
And I keep fighting through the pain,
survival instincts wax and wane,
But in my chest I keep a hope.
.
Weak and battered, yet alight,
a single candle in the night -
the only thing that helps me cope.
.
I let the embers of it seethe,
grip it tight and grit my teeth,
like a drowning man to a rope.
.
It whispers softly: "he'll return",
that flame doesn't cease to burn,
its heat is my heliotrope.
.
10.12.2023.
(for G.)
Note: In the language of flowers, heliotropes symbolise eternal love and devotion.
Haley Lana Dec 2023
Clovers in the cold autumn air -
Alive for now and unaware
Of winter on its way.
No four-leaved luck
Can keep the muck
Of rainy days at bay.
.
I envy them, their mindless bloom,
The way they know not of their doom,
Of snow beneath which they'll rest.
For I know my approaching frost,
The summer bliss came with a cost,
And soon the crows will lose their nest.
.
It smothers me - the thought
That all efforts were for naught,
And I remain in this alone.
This cursed knowledge in my chest,
Claws at my soul without rest;
Poisoned veins, flesh, and bone.
.
The evening wind gives me chills,
Yet I'm impassive as these hills -
The physical can't hurt me now.
For my heartache is much stronger,
Its freezing cold lasts far longer
Than any weather knows how.
.
I care to deeply - that's my cross -
Then pay dearly for each loss;
My foolish heart cannot quit.
I can only hope to leave a mark
In your memory a tiny spark
Of the fire we once lit.
.
10.11.2023.
(for G.)
Goddess of USR Oct 2023
Holding out hope
Like a hand reaching through time
Holding space
Providing the arrows that pierce my heart

Thinking of you
Longing for you
Vacillating
Unable to ever truly close the door on our connection

I guess I did it to myself
Giving love to someone who never deserved me
Trusting what I felt instead of what I saw
Allowing you to occupy the space without ever filling it
Choosing to respect what felt stronger than anything I’ve ever known

I guess I did it to myself
Fooling
Blinding
Reaching
You left the room
Without so much as an "I’m grateful that you’re here"
Without so much as an "I love you too"
Without so much as a thread of hope

I guess I did it to myself
Provided the bow and quiver
Placed it steadfastly and aimed it straight for the heart

I guess I did it to myself, opened myself up for disappointment
You left the conversation without so much as a "Seeing you sent my heart soaring and my mind racing"
All of the timelines between us collapsed and there we were face to face
She standing in her truth and he still stuck in a lie
Fearful that if his heart ever stood for itself, the facade would crumble and shatter at his feet
And he would find himself naked with only one truth they know: love

I guess I did it to myself, allowing love to pass through me for you
Living in parallel universes with you
Because you asked me to

I guess I did it to myself, showing up in the now and wanting you to hold me the way I hold you

I’m exhausted
Saddened by you and for what could be

I kick boulders not rocks
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders into pebbles until I find peace with you and skip trace them across the frequencies until they lay at your feet, constant reminders of the path you choose between us

Pebbles of love, sun, wine, hammocks, song, black and white, solitude together, heartbreak, silence, grey check marks, music, promises unkept, Irish goodbyes and outright lies

I will find peace with you in the love of another man’s arms until there is no peace because he is not you

Why did we ever have to meet?
What wrong thing in my existence did I ever do to deserve you?

I guess I did it to myself, believing in you, in love, in siempre
Pierced with the fiercest of arrows

I kick boulders not rocks
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders
Boulders into pebbles until I find peace with you and skip trace them across the frequencies until they lay at your feet, constant reminders of the path you choose between us

I’m sick of seeing the green guy, something needs to change. Show me love.
For CBM aid Dublin. Sent with a thousand kisses and tears.
Anastasia Sep 2023
I hate when I make you cry
But *******, do your words hurt
I want to hold your tears in my arms and turn them into smiles
Shove them back into your estranged face
Maybe it will make a difference this time
You're not who you used to be
Am I still allowed to love you?
Can I still hold you with my words
Because my arms are not enough?
Hearts carved into my corneas weep with the thought of you
My fingers curl into twisted willows
Affection turns to concern
When your palms turn to fists
Will you forgive yourself?
Will you forgive me?
I don't want to go
I don't want to turn into a memory
I want to be a future
Maybe someday when you finally learn to love
To love the chasm of beauty of sadness that you are
I can drop more love letters into your darkness
Petals and whispers and poetry
Drift into your emptiness until they light aflame at the very bottom
If I could see it from your perspective
If I could feel the pain that wracks your body late at night
The pain that tastes suspiciously like tears
Maybe then we could truly understand each other
I wish my pretty words could heal you
I wish on every star I see
It's juvenile, but a part of me always hopes
I wish I could take all my love and crush it up into a little ball and shove it down your throat and never feel it again
9/17/2023
6:42
Allysa Jen Dec 2022
Staring at him whom i love
like staring into one's soul;
Taking aback by those amazing gaze
Oh what grace.
Confessing, though he's saturn
with it's ring:
Trying to catch a flower owned by a bee
No honey left for me.

He replied forthwith to my kind gesture
Flustered and red
Looked at me with those eyes,
peicing like a poisoned arrow

"It is not only the moon that loved the sun
The sun longed for the moon the most
But the sun can only give it's warm light
Not it's whole embrace
For it already had earth in place"

Heartbroken is she,
She who knows 'tis right to leave
She, however, is only a leaf;
A leaf to a flower in a bouquet of roses,
No wonder rejection is only a trivial thing.
But love doesn't seem right
If you don't go back;
But love, he's not mine to fight.

May pa toh ngayon ko lang narevise.
Freestyle  ketch.
Staring at him whom i love
like staring into one's soul;
Taking aback by those amazing gaze
Oh what grace.
Confessing, though he's saturn
with it's ring:
Trying to catch a flower owned by a bee
No honey left for me.

He replied forthwith to my kind gesture
Flustered and red
Looked at me with those eyes,
peicing like a poisoned arrow

"It is not only the moon that loved the sun
The sun longed for the moon the most
But the sun can only give it's warm light
Not it's whole embrace
For it already had earth in place"

Heartbroken is she,
She who knows 'tis right to leave
She, however, is only a leaf;
A leaf to a flower in a bouquet of roses,
No wonder rejection is only a trivial thing.
But love doesn't seem right
If you don't go back;
But love, he's not mine to fight.
Idk what inspired me for this.
I wrote this on May 30, 2022
I only revised and posted it now because I'm too busy procrastinating so. . . Yeah
Good day Btw
Tierramxrie Aug 2022
In the beginning of my first heartbreak it shattered into a million pieces. I laid in it for awhile before wanting to put it back together because I was numb and depressed for a good minute but then, piece by piece I started taping it back together taking my time with it not leaving any piece behind. When it was put back together it didn’t glow for awhile…months…years until I got a small glow from someone and then it stopped and then it eventually glowed again and then eventually stopped… and then it glowed somewhat brighter and stayed light for a couple months and then…it stopped and some pieces shattered. I began to fix it putting the small piece back in place hoping it would glow..praying it would light up for who I want or who I needed in someone…and then it did it glowed super ******* bright it started to heal itself in a way that I wasn’t used to it was uncomfortable and scary but it stayed glowing for weeks that lead to months that lead to a year and another year and then another year…and then it shined a bit brighter it was uncomfortable I didn’t mention there was a cage before when I picked up the pieces to my heart the first time… my heart was glowing inside of the cage shining brighter and brighter like when you look at a sun and you squint…it was that bright…the cages began to melt away and it stayed lit for those weeks, months, and years…it was ready to share a heart a small one so it can shine brighter…it was ready to say yes a million times over and over…it was happy…and then it stopped…it didn’t dim like when you turn those lights off to make it the right light just for you no it cut off…and it exploded the pieces are even tiny this time the pieces you can’t even see the outline to even attempt to put it together… this time is different…this time it doesn’t wanna be fix it wants to lay in the destruction…it wants to decay. This is my heart.
It’s been a while. I feel like I’m only creative when I’m hurt.
Ricki Apr 2022
I still miss you.
I miss the kisses, the cuddles, the ***.
I miss your cheeky little grin and your wispy beard against my skin.
I miss how your eyes would glisten and your voice went higher,
As I listened to you tell me about dragon ball, or how work had been prior.
Without you, there are highs and lows, and
Every day is too fast, yet too slow.
If you had asked me early March why I’m here,
There would be nothing else to hear, except gushing over your curly hair
Or, how you walked me home from school every day when I was 15.
****.
Why did you have to be so mean?
It went and ****** up everything.
Why’d you do that **** to me?
I couldn’t even just be and exist as me,
And everything is just the worst
Because I had to put me first.
I still miss you.
And, honestly I don’t know what to do
Or even who the **** I am.
I’m a phantom of myself.
I’m a ******* basketcase,
I’m a useless waste of space.
I can’t stop messing up everything.
And ever since we broke up,
I’ve worn your jacket to work.
And, I’m the **** that dumped you, but
My heart ******* hurts.
I still miss you.
I see you in every spring flower rising from the dirt.
And, I think they wrote every song about you, too.
Why does every beautiful piece of art look a lot like you?
I hate that I love rom coms.
I hate that you wouldn’t dance with me at prom.
I hate that I’m not Sally, and you’ll never be my Harry.
I hate that I wanted to marry you.
I’d rather die than be your spouse.
You’re still trying to say who I should talk to and what I should do.
I hate that I’m stuck 2 minutes from you and your stupid ******* house.
Because of you I can’t breathe and I shake.
Every time someone yells at me, I ******* break.
I hate that you’re so ******* bad to the core
I hate that you called me slurs and said I looked like a *****
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I still miss you.
Remember when you smacked my face?
That’s something you can undo or erase.
Remember when I tried to exit a moving vehicle because you were keeping me against my will?
Rather you like it or not, that was meaningful.
Remember when you took my keys so that I couldn’t leave?
I genuinely can’t believe I let someone do those things to me.
Remember when you didn’t get me anything for graduating, turning 18, Valentine’s Day, anything.
You owe me so many ******* dates that you cancelled because it was getting late.
Remember when you berated me in front of all of my friends over and over again?
You called all my interests stupid and you never gave a **** about my art.
You wrote your name across my heart, but you never would dance with me
Because you thought I was cringey.
I still miss you.
And boy, you haven’t a single clue how to treat a woman, or even any person.
I hate you. I love you. I hate you. I hate that I still love you.
I hate that my identity is so entangled in you.
I don’t know what the **** to do.
Why am I here?
Why am I stuck in this perpetual state of fear that I can’t live without you?
You should get out of my head.
****, these intrusive thoughts want me dead.
I hate my stupid ******* brain for filling myself with disdain towards who I am alone.
I want to text you, but I’ll refrain.
Now, you’re nothing more than a name in my phone.
You’re not the boy that makes me swoon, giggle and moan anymore.
You’re not my baby, my qt, mi amor; you aren’t someone I want to adore.
I still miss you.
Why am I here?
What am I doing?
Deep inside me something’s brewing.
Every day I’ve sat here stewing.
I need to be someone new,
I need to figure out what to do.
Why can’t I ******* stop thinking about you?
But I’m still breathing; I’m not dead.
I keep forcing myself out of bed.
And I even dyed my hair red.
I’m here.
I’m where I’m supposed to be
And until my heart mends
I’m surrounded by lovely friends.
I’ll run away to be an artist.
Even though I’m not the smartest, I’ll figure this **** out.
I’ll learn to live without you.
I quit that job I hated.
My heart throbs for something different.
And **** love; it’s overated.
I still miss you.
My whole life was infiltrated by cupid’s stupid arrow.
My trust in life is so near narrow, and
I’ll never let a boy treat me like a barbie doll.
I am my own;  I won't be toyed with and I won’t fall
for some self obsessed, egotistical, adorable, little *******.
I wake up in my own bed and I own my own legs.
You can cry and you can beg, but I will never be your girl again.
And ****.
I’m here now, and I’ll allow what I’ll allow.
I’m going to just live for me
I’m here to just simply be.
I’m lost and I’m unknowing,
But ****** ****** boy, I’m ******* growing.
AND I’m here now.
I’m figuring out how to say no,
And I’m trying to go when and where I want to go.
I’m going to run away from you,
And you can stay in this **** town.
I know I won't let me down.
Why am I here?
One day I woke up on this blue-green sphere, and it didn’t mean a single thing.
I was a lump of flesh and blood; my mind was fresh and not corrupt.
I learned pain and I learned love. They both came and went abrupt.
I’m here now scorned and torn, and my heart and mind are worn.
I’ll live without you.
I’ll do what I have to.
What does it even matter why or how?
I’m here now because I’m here now.
I still miss you.
But, one day I won’t.
I’m here to see that day I don’t.
I’m here to hold my own heart.
I’m here now to make my art.
I still miss you.
This is so long, but This is my magnum opus of poetry. I dated this guy for 4 years and he meant the world to me. I love him a lot, and I only want good things to go his way. I was in a toxic relationship, but he has a good heart. This poem is me pouring my soul out, and I wrote it for a school project.
Pinkmoon Apr 2022
The invisible years, they arrive after menopause
You'll see.  It will happen to you in time.
Left behind.  Left alone.
Now I wonder if I am imaginary?
The energy it drains, stepping through the day.
The Demon of loneliness demands attention.
I doubt my existence.  There is no one loving me.
There is no "love."
The cruel Magician of depression begins
disappearing me.
And I no longer care.  
I will crawl off this Earth alone.
suffering in the human condition.
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