I swear
somebody is following my inner footprint
recording and analyzing
hemming and coughing and clearing their throat
assessing my
"situation"

Stalking stalking stalking me

and filling my fortune cookies with relevant words
to psyche me out



i swear

I was acquainted with a raucous older man while I was still young and as impressionable as plaster-of-paris
Malleable as I was
He left a mark

And now
I watch you wearing baldness with classy elegance
and donning beards with ease, easy on my eyes
Can we fly through space safely?

Still running, never ceasing, she screams silently.
the breath escapes as a wisp.
Remembering the past command:
Take the demon carefully,
his sting is heavily laden with sweet
addiction.

*** soaks through the front of her gown
and the bloodied fabrics drain rusty shades
into the tepid moon water
she spilled before.

Break her chains
she will not thank you
she will despise her freedom and lay waste to paradise
with her filthy torn wings.

Let her know of her once-natural beauty
she will hiss in derision
that she is not still stunning as the rose.

BLEED, child.
You of all creatures were fantastic in visage
You have put to waste the precious fragility of your frame
Your yellowing teeth speak volumes
your mouth should stay sealed.

We have no use for ingrate angels
that roll in the muck
cheaply selling ******* and chemical highs.

I love you for your laughter
your soft hair
the morning routines I tried to adopt, that you have down to a science
the way you gaze into the abyss
with tender expressions
the careful footsteps
the blushing falseness
the pretty lace and ribbons
the black eyeliner and studded collars


BUT

beards and hunting and fishing
flannels and strength and handsome fellers
truck stops and smoking
whiskey and bonfires
g i joe and spiderman

but most of all batman and joker
the complications of comics

gaming on friday nights with bottles of bud
I love men and boys and women and girls and ladies and gentlemen

These are the best days of our lives.
The days we give in to the colorful cracks in our skin, and let the beauty out to
scale the walls

Stop describing your terrible ****** encounters
I know you've had other women since I ended things with you
You're acting like you don't have magazines stashed under your bed
What, when I was with you your hand was your secret lover
And now it's not enough?

I'm so cold. I just want the affirmation of another soul's proximity
Is anyone out there?
The spinning feeling increases its tempo
The awful silence crescendos
Bring me back, bring me back
I miss the Saturday night I spent on mushrooms.
Everything was alright in the world
Anonymous carefree the world was ablaze
I convinced myself I was a fire spirit and you were a deer
I'm not addicted: I only tried it once.


All I want is a cigarette and to go back to sleep.
The world will turn without me
Your heart will be cold either way
Why and I vying for your attentions?
I tell myself I'm too antisocial
Until I have asked every single last one of my faceless friends to come get me
I guess it's alright to take some time for yourself
Is this a manifestation of grief or depression?
Is anyone out there?
I prefer the company of strangers to those who I've already become disillusioned with
Will anyone feel my gentle tugging and lend me a hand?
Just a coffee
Just a smoke
Just a walk through the warming days
Spring cleaning
I've successfully ignored your texts for long enough
I think I'll sleep with you
Not because I think that's all I'm good for.

Is it really "being used" if you're aware of it?
Am I not using you as well?
I can't decide if this will turn out well.



To you: Help.

The everything that I am
has a special space reserved for the happiest moments
When I am in that space, being happy, being myself - and
When you are in your space, being happy, being free, being beautiful

My inner creative spark finds yours
We can create such beautiful things, you and I
When we are both within ourselves and eachother
We are one
We are happy
We are free
We are divine

Namaste

Twisting, curling.
Soft, luscious
Ginger, black.... sultry

I nibble, I pet, I grasp...
I wish I had the capabilities.

I have to get this out
off my chest before
I straighten every crooked object
offensive clutter distraction
OCD
nervous as ****
I'll pull out every hair
or tear my fingers off
If I don't figure out how to look
in your eyes
without screaming

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I can't remember anything before you
I can't imagine anything without you
I want to live the rest of my life with you

But only if you think I'm cool
We should just **** ourselves

******* lips and steal my breath
gasping, back arching
I'm not allowed to mark you with my teeth
or nails
but I'll find other ways
of leaving a print

I filled my mouth with honey
Don't you want a taste?

Falseness becomes you, little plastic angel
marble eyes roll, liquid sky drops of ***** coolness
never-changing
hair so fine, my heart wants to glide along your ribbons and silk like
figureskating
welts glow red on my skin as your bronzed alabaster shimmers respectably
kiss me once more; i want to taste the diamond on your lips
glitter glitter glitter
until it's time to tear away the mask
and then what are you?

Cravings for the light
my skin tinted blue
The darkness imposing
But whence my return to the light above





                       all I want is the pain and chains of below

Splitting the atom
Dancing the pattern
Step through the abyss
Do it like this
Do it like this

Screaming the spectrum
She's burning horizons
With shimmering lips
We do it like this
Do it like this


Swallowing poisons that coagulate in my throat
Don't act like you didn't just come here to gloat
I'll bite the hand that keeps feeding me lies
I'll feed you to the flies
I'm the one you despise
I'll pull out your eyes
And I'll stitch up your lips
AND I'LL DO IT LIKE THIS
DO IT LIKE THIS

why do they salt the outside
we eat the organs
and leave the shredded exo-
skelatals
underfoot and on the desk

I hung upside down off your bed once
               and stared into your eyes
You asked me what I saw
                                    I said the whole sky was the colour of your blue
you called me silly names and acted shy
                                    But it's true, the sky was in you
Now I stare up into the sky and it hurts
       You are up in the blue

Os iusti meditabitur sapientiam,
Et lingua eius loquetur indicium.

Beatus vir qui suffert tentationem,  
Quoniqm *** probates fuerit accipient coronam vitae.

Kyrie, fons bonitatis.
Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.

O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena esse Virgo creditur.
O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena,
O castitatis lilium.

Kyrie, fons bonitatis.
Kyrie, ignis divine, eleison.
  
O quam sancta, quam serena,
Quam benigma, quam amoena,
O castitatis lilium.

my throat aches for food
my stomach and mind shout
naysayers
heavy with
the clock, she won't stop chattering
nervous tic
aching shoulder, from laying on my side
staring
waiting for
one new message
crooning songs echo
in my shallow veins
beard of dunedin
oh to stand in manufactured rain
cleanse together
hot steam breath collide with
(well)
******* scenes dance heavily
salty
sweet soapy soft silky
soaked..
i feel so alone.
what life would crawl over my skin?
what lips caress these dead eyelids?
what fingers traces these cold curves
like tree limbs next to the curb
i am living trash

but I still want to make you
wet

i hear your outcry
false love
needy little child
bawling crocodile tears
you want her to
love you, correction:
bow to you. she is
FREEDOM
we aren't children
don't spoonfeed
your hilarious attempts
self-harm for her benefit
no. selfish creep.
stop forcing
heartbeat measured
tastes bland as stale rice
cold: as rain washes
through my entrails.
I feel no pity.
she is not your toy
get a dog

back aching, i want more
sweat, suffering, sweet lips
the suction - when two fatless chests
press close
hair in your eyes
in my mouth, brush away
from my cheek
half-lidded peek
grasp me
i want you to hold my hand
into the mattress
breaking the ice
with every push
whisper, tickle my ear
eat my skinny bones
i feel alive
skin is numb
electric
welts across my back
nails carving our way into spine
pillow talk
the awkward walk
another cigarette

tell me i'm pretty
i think I am

who cares if the spaghetti sticks to the ***
who cares if a guest shows up late
it's not her 18th birthday
it's my baby brother's
and I'll wear my nose ring if I want to

I keep sending messages to girls that I wouldn't want to read if it were me
Or maybe I'm talking down about myself for no reason and the ladies love it when I tell them how pretty they are
It's not I expect to get laid with kindness
I just gush about **** I like
Sue me, I'm a nerd for those curves

She's strong and wise and sticky fingered
She's squishy and smart and colourful and fun
She's small and quick and shiny
And she's gonna find herself in
Being free

A chirpy little bird
A notion reaffirmed
From egg to box to room
You preen your emerald plume
I love you, Roombird

I could have been lonely for those months
We barely talked
I could have stayed with myself and
remained, maintaining
Instead I got what I wanted
(almost)
and when that wasn't you
I found others.

Now here you are, here, you.
Telemiscommunications
why did I never expect this
I washed your blue face paint
from my eyebrows
Requiem

My body is cold, i can see from the
goosebumps.

the clammy feeling of being gently strangled
... it frightens me

I don't want to be here, but I
can't leave...

hot hot heat spreads down my body as i give,
cold dead fingers trace my skin while I still breathe

dance or die
they whisper to me
dance or die

I am beautiful
I am any kind of beautiful I want to be
I am am every kind of beautiful
I am beautiful when I wake up
I am beautiful when I cry
I am beautiful when nobody is looking
And I am beautiful
In my own eyes
When I am alone
and in pain
I am beautiful
When I chainsmoke
instead of eat
I am beautiful
when I ****
I am beautiful
when I'm inebriated and asinine
and *****
and not
I am so beautiful
even when I harm my skin
because my beauty lies underneath the flesh and bones of
me

>Light! infused

We are all one under this sun

>wires unfused

Tap me out and tap me into you

>no longer confused

Bring me serenity and healing

>Life, unused

Let me stand as Earth and Mother

>Scars acrue

Battered gently, I will grow

>Ahead she flew

Your place in this universe will never change

>Not yet for you

Wait a while with me and sing of Earth's beauty

>Too much to do

You can help me love everyone

I do

unwell

Well I don't know how it happened
You just forgot, I guess

The pain receded
I kept breathing
And now...
I wish I hadn't seen that

It hurts to see you function
I hate to watch you love
...
I really hate to watch you love.


I wish you hadn't kissed me
In the wind
Genuine surprise coursing through my veins
I thought those sort of kisses were myths, all
My heart might have stopped

I wish you hadn't let me in
Serenades and rusty blades
Dreams and phone calls
Roller coasters and secret beer

The similarities bring me down
Why can't my soul mate stay my friend?

I hate the way you make me love you.
Every word, I miss the drawl
I used to talk that way.
My twangy southern voice has left and so has my love of spontaneity
You've wrecked it all

All I have is
Anger for your smile


Exploration
You touched my bones



Leave me alone.

We have oddly sticky hands
oil, dust and sugar
newspaper ink and ceramic chips
feet track on moldy rug
broken glass and rusty circles raise the question
peeking into past lives of
each room
salvage ex-roomate's ex-girlfriend's
shampoo body wash flatiron dishes

we make a shrine to spools of thread
little lion man and plastic pans
real tuesday weld and smoke with KC
won't you hold my hand?

Let's overthink dating for a night
I will try to be by your side
my rougey lips are for you
and the moon

Allergens
Memories
Strong spices
Leave your scars

I'll send them below

Precious new memories will replace
Your unwelcome pain
Napkins and longboards
electronic haze
I don't watch Disney

I wish I
didn't know my parents
But I take this for granted again

Outbreaks
Gluten
Shedding
Flannels before they were Cool
painting my room
two shades of black
Shakira

I'll share my life
If you will pretend I'm awake enough
To absorb yours

Can we become closer?

My hair is growing longer
I've lost weight - but not the bad way
this time
My new necklace
Your beard is longer too, oh it curls
What's that? Did you get that at work?
It doesn't look serious
I have nightmares
My artwork
Band logos
Smoke with me
Skylines
Tattoo ideas
Michelle's saggy ****, drawn hastily and without detail
but you prefer it that way
Oh how cute
your dogs are trying to steal your pillow
I guess I can be lonely
I'll fight with nobody
except for my stuffed animals for the
empty space

I thought I knew what love looked like
now every time I log on
I get lost in your eyes

I thought that I was stronger than ever
but your smile makes me feel weak
I thought I had matured and grown
you make me feel like a schoolchild crushing

Whatever it is, it won't matter
Whatever it is, it can wait
2yrs4hrs
Whatever it is, I don't care.

Will I be enough?
Are you real?
Are you warm to the touch?
What does your hair smell like?

I thought I was crying
until you made me look
now
it's
fine

we have time

It's when your stomach
hurts
and you dont remember why you were sad and
nothing is really super important
except yourself
and you just laugh because you can and the sky is so pretty
and you can feel sunshine's essence exuding from the holes in your skin
and your bones are filled with electricity
but it's rubber
and you can do anything
ANYTHING
anything because you're you and nobody else can be you
and the world is there to look at, so full of pretty things

and it doesn't matter if there's somebody or nobody or everybody by your side
because it's just that perfect moment when the love in you body is a droplet
it hits the ground and wrenches itself into shapes
patterns that coalesce
you are enraptured, the sight is burning
into your retinas the perfectional bliss that is
being
the will'o'the'wisp that is your soul entangles with the white light and branches
the creature that is imagination and folly
folly with soft ears and kawaii smirks

*****
patches of grass
the birds are landing in your branches now
congregational hazards
social anxiety
disillusioned, giving in
but you don't mind the flocking free-loaders
YOU'RE A STAR
stellar beings never slow down
for a moment
unless they are enjoying the view
witness the retching as
spectrum slideshow
the colors spill out, tumbling
across the sidewalk
out of her veins
she is god
we are free
be happy
lift your arms
be happy

White ink under black light
Chemicals to breathe better
Medication to feel normal
Prescription change
Talk about it a little more
Read an article and believe the words they shout on paper

"poetry is just words"
-evanwilson

Cake is just bread with a sweet flourish that makes it delicate and uncommon
painted beautifully, decorated to aesthetic design
produced in the same oven, created from same ingredients
to still stand separate from everyday usage
and survive bland reissue

I prefer one on special occasions

i forgot
I'm 20 now

I will sleep with my thoughts of you
hold them like they're your body too
tight enough to keep you from falling away
and gentle enough to keep you from feeling stifled and
wandering
for air's sake

My stomach cries to me, begs pitifully
gurgling like a drowning old crone
I don't give a ****

RHCP, my stomach aches
i confuse what could be hunger
with weakness.
another long evening
my last smoke
went missing. my hand
shakes
violently.
I haven't slept in days.
I search for something.
Will someone catch the paper I've shredded?
My heart's blood spattered across sheepskin
skin torn asunder
hands clenched under
the table

Stop judging me and staring so critically
stare lovingly into my eyes and notice my effortless elegance

I lie when I say I don't want to be noticed.

Would you scratch my scalp
twirl brown speckled fingers
twixt ever-lightening
locks, me myself and I
we fight over you
give us a taste
of what we've sweat over

if what i want is on this
decreasingly fertile rock,
possibility of my painful
atrophy, isolated,
dissolves
into shimmers
that make me kawaii
when i check doppelganger
in silver glass
because you
shattered dreams sprinkled
iridescent on bronze ivory

glitter blush for the creature
(in some other word or two,
you're my breaking point)

i sip from the wineglass
holding the stem as though I am
high class
the liquid splashes into my mouth, waking my tastebuds
the bubbles burn my throat as I
chug and chug and
no - i lightly sip
and wait for the days when it is socially acceptable to my mother
to drink something stronger than red
mountain dew, mixed with juice

this body aches
from my mother's house
from the lack of nutrition
from the fresh burns
but i promised I'd stop
but I promised
but you aren't here to stop me.
I'll smoke as much **** as I need to.
and fantasize about the intelligent, soft-spoken
well-worded
perfect everything
he likes my poetry, and says it reminds
him
of Simon Armitage

I soaked myself in the torrential downpour
I walked fifteen minutes to get here to this cafe
I didn't buy cigarettes
I didn't think you'd show

You surprised me
All I could do
is wave
meekly


Hello...

Flay you alive
one more word and you won't survive


- Eyes on fire