I love you desperately, desperately. Desperately.
Clinging, jinxing, squeezing the air out of, sucking in- I weigh 120 for the evening- and clutching for dear, dear life.
Desperately: with all of me, necessary, out of my hands, against my control, fighting with my better judgement: polarizing. Swallowed whole.
Swallowed in awe of you.
I love you desperately- loving someone and feeling like you're going to die. Death by love. Death by want, by need. That's loving someone desperately. Also known as: the potential for pure and undiluted happiness, filtered happiness, the kind bursting with minerals, but the fear inside your head, hidden underneath the sweet talk and the wannabe love letters, behind the memories of our love in front of me like she loves me sso- she's gotta love me-flower petals, that it could fall out of your tight, tight grip against your strong, strong will.

DESPERATELY

My throat is aching with the words I cannot fathom saying to you
My hands are shaking because I wanted to hold your hand so fucking badly
My eyes cannot see straight because all that I am seeing is you and your bright blue eyes
My heart is racing so fast and I cannot catch my breath because you are making me laugh too hard

And then I stop
And then I remember I am not the one
And then I remember there's a beauty at home waiting for you to text her goodnight
And then I think about how she went to sleep alone, and I got to have your attention to myself for once in seven years

My voice is shaky as I tell you about my family and hold back tears because things are getting just too damn personal
My skin feels hot as I sit there and wait for you to touch me back
My legs quiver a bit as I hike my dress up higher so you can see the black lace on my panties
My smile forms a smirk as I think about you actually taking the bait and grabbing my face tightly and kissing me

And then I stop
And then I remember "just friends" do not look at each other like that
And then I remember "just friends" do not touch each other that way after dark
And then I remember how you're going to break her heart the same way I broke yours seven years ago

I cheated on you and you cheated on her.

A sense of fleeting,
feet planted firmly on the ground,
but my mind is abysmal.
Sometimes-
it's a whisper of my mother's voice,
or one of the five psychiatrists who seemed uninterested.
It was the comfort in darkness,
becoming the lore of my life.

There was comfort in wanting to die,
I tightly grasped onto the concept of survival.
How we became enemies;
never seeing eye to eye.

I love it,
my ability to control the pain I feel-
how little, how less
I can make myself hurt.
Although, I'd refrain from calling myself a masochist.

I've gained no pleasure in harming myself,
undeserving, unworthy of all the blood I've lost.
There's no notable war,
when the cause is in my veins.

Gauze I've had around my wrists,
felt comforting,
keeping in the sickness,
I dreamed would drip down my wrist.

Doing this to myself,
I'm no masochist.
Allowing myself to be chaotic in how my emotions were expressed.

I know,
it's a cry for help,
but I'm left wondering-
do I want to be helped?

I've become immune to the numbness,
a damaged girl as they all catch up,
comparing scars.

I can be who you want me to be,
carve a smile on my face,
I can be who you want me to be,
I can be happy.

Amelia Crake Oct 14

Family,
How doth thee compare to a Summer's Day?

You are like an Old fairy-tale, dusty and cold,
you creep and mistreat your way through murky forests,
tormenting innocent woodland creatures until you get your way.

Hidden away, I am a small house made of once hollowed out bricks,
now filled with lead. A steady fire burns within.
Finding a needle in the haystack
isn't so hard
if you turn the hay into ashes.
I am the scorching Sun,
my glare refracting into your eyes, a spotlight
meant to keep you at bay.

Your attitude is despicable.
Hungry for happiness yet unwilling to make your own,
you steal my brilliant rays.
I am the Sun,
sitting ominously in the corner of our garden,
turrets looming over-head,
casting shadows while I cover my toes in cool mud
and peach hued rose petals,
and I am watching
poison bugs buzzing by your drink,
landing with a sudden silent zip.
I say nothing.

As they sink to the bottom
I am so intrigued
that I almost do not notice the click of your teeth,
a subtle warning of what's to come.

Hyper-focused on every task,
I can only take one path at a time.
You are constantly upset,
I am always in motion,
you can not turn me down.
I am the Sun,
a giant ball of radiating energy.

Scatterbrained, I am an enigmatic magpie,
alone, an omen if you believe.
Picking silver needles off the warm mossy ground,
slipping silver threads from your once auburn hair,
I am filling my home with things that can not burn.

I am the Sun,
too bright, I am bleaching your skin.
It is like watching a photograph
fading in slow motion.

I am waiting for your deep eyes to darken,
something from under your skin, beginning to surface,
assuring torrential rains and gale force hail.
You are faltering,
a passing storm, a bubbling brook.
Nothing compared to the bursting giant star that I Am.

After 7 drafts of this poem, I am certain of only one thing; I will absolutely come back to it some day and rewrite it into ashes.
frankie Oct 12

point blank
straight into the eyes
pupils dilated, about 3 mm or so

rapid elevation
Where you aware you have high blood pressure?
no, I didn’t have palpitations before you

flicker
“we’re loosing her, fire up the defibiralltor”
bright lights never seemed to be so comforting
“clear”


pitch black
I don’t think I was afraid of the dark
But what scares you will eventually kill you.

Happy Ending Sep 26

I couldn't even tell you what I was thinking if you asked me right now.
I'm on autopilot...
Have been for a while.
I ache for sleep.
Its 3am...
and here I am...
Awake..
While the world sleeps.
I wonder what tomorrow will bring...
I wish I could think of other things...


But....
The bad things that seep into your brain...
Late at night awaiting to be over analyzed....
have been locked down.
sealed off
and theres no way in....

And thats fine...
I'll watch the stars fade through my window pane, and wait for the sunrise to catch my very sleepy
unrested eyes.

frankie Sep 24

smoke a cigarette
gulp down a whole bottle of vodka
hook up with a random lust
scream
cry
run down an empty street
try to feed the demons, intoxicate them with filth
repeat.

nothing ever works.

based on what I have encountered in my life time when people have tried to "forget"
Baylee Sep 12

We can be taught
How to read and write
And cook meals
And ride a bike;
We can be taught
Simple things
Like running, swimming,
And going high on the swings;
But no one can teach us
How to love and cope
Or mend a broken heart,
Or hold onto hope.
And no one tells us
How it will feel
When you're in love,
In love for real!
Or how to handle
A lying cheat
Whose poisonous words
Are full of deceit.
Or what to do
When your heart is full
And the one you love
Has your heart strings to pull.
Or when you're in their grasp
Running on their track,
With love in you're heart
But they will never love you back.
Because the thing about love
Is that it's followed by pain,
And when you're in love with the wrong person
It will drive you insane.

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