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Emilija Feb 2023
31/12/2022

It’s the last day of the year, and I’ve had one extra depressive episode
because a 21 year old noped out, apparently I’m demiromantic
and have never had a crush
need a strong connection, when it’s there – it’s nothing
to reckon with, had I known
I’d have put more space between us, taken it slower
rather than convincing myself I have control, as it slips

I’m leaving another lover, wretched with stench
I look at their face in old pictures, becoming
afraid at their void expression, beard
they refuse to trim for me
so I daydream and I know
like, I know now, with therapy that

there is no magical himbo to save me,
no delusions about that, no boo, no more
but I also know I deserve some ******* comfort
after the hell, oh the hell
I can’t broach, if I **** it will burst
like a yolk, I’ll be dead by morning, oh and

he’s so beautiful
his eyes on me, his cautious fingers, fear and shudders
makes me feel like my best was not just good enough
my best was fascinating.
I want to tell him about my songs, mixing in studio 1
I wanna duet, and melt,
I want him on his knees at random words, I want
that worship, wanna feel
his piercing on my
everything,
want to give that worship
not just in a word document,
so I daydream, I get to.
I ******* get to if I need it, daydream about
whichever thing will never happen if I need it.

I will not be shamed for surviving
I will not be blinded to an oasis for the chance
it’s a mirage, I need to
get from place to place, boo
What shall I do as I heal? Drink? Drugs? ******* cigarettes?
did you know the internet says I’ll die at 67?
Little more than half now
my life is not shortened by zoning out -
If I want a muse I will have a ******* muse, and he can think
I’m crazy along with the rest of them,
****
if
I
care,  
I want him to come here.
                                    I want to ask him questions, reasonable questions
because I know I would:
                                                          ­             is this an impulsive decision?
have you broken up?
                                                                ­                               how long ago?
are you in therapy?
                                            I am **** demisexual,
                                                  even in my mind,
                                              especially in my mind
Do       you      want      me      or      do       you       want      polyamory?
Because I can be anyone, and I have already been
                                                         an experiment for some guy, ‘fore he  
                                                            gets­ a bi curious, monogamous girl
Because we can grow alongside one another, but not fix
each other
because you need to process
because if you’re with her, she wouldn’t have a reason other than “my boyfriend really wants to” and that is the worst reason for polyamory, and I am not nor have ever been in the business of hurting people with intent (excluding  grade school, ((I’m
sorry, Martina – double sorry you died from
leukemia,) excluding when you c o n s e n t )),  
I’d like you to answer all of those, then
maybe I get to hold you.

That’s my daydream. Holding you. Watching films, you commenting on them the way I’ve done and annoyed all of my lovers.

how your neck would smell

                                      how your hair and head would feel in my hands

how you’d shiver and breathe shallow, and how easily
I could make it calm.  

and yeah, subspacing you and using your body, I am not entirely ace.
I'm publishing the ones I don't dare submit to places, can you let me know if these ramble style poems are any good?
LostinJapan Jul 2022
If suffering is happiness
and tears are love
I am devotion itself
break me
I’ll pen thank you notes in blood
I am afraid of you
I am afraid of what you can make me do
Your touch can weaken my legs
You grab me by the throat my heart skips and leaps
You whisper in my ear
The warmth of your breath sends chills down my spine
Your words make my stomach turn

I am so very afraid of you
Knowing that every act betrays all that I am
And still, I can’t sleep tonight  anticipating you

I am afraid of you
I don’t know what I feel. I just know I have never felt it before
I know I have never been so free under your control
dark blue Mar 2022
i want you

inside me
on top of me

******* me
furiously

choking me
as i struggle

for breath
on the edge

of life
and death
dark blue Feb 2022
it’s in your nature
to submit and serve

present yourself
*******
*** in the air
to your master

to be reminded
that you are
less civilized and evolved
than you think

confused and conflicted
as juices flow
and wetness
glistens on you lips

emotional and primal
remember
you’re just but animal
dark blue Feb 2022
does it
make you wet
getting spanked
by daddy
for being
bad
and bratty
dark blue Feb 2022
daddy
hold me
hold me tight
never let go
never leave me
promise me
i’ll always & forever
be your little
dark blue Feb 2022
40
how old
is too old
to be a little
i’m a grown up
that has never
grown up
i’m a 40 year old little
that stills needs
her daddy
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