Red lace covers white skin.
Perfume and candles; ******.
Kissing leads to touching, touching to begging.
Tell me your ready as you breathe down my neck.
Tell me you're hungry for more as my lips move down your stomach.

Lace off and memories fade as we fall into a lustful splendor.
Rough hands on soft skin; touch me one more time.
Tongues meet as we kiss deeply wanting to take all we can from each other.

Tell me you're ready as your legs entwine with mine.
Tell me you're hungry for more as we move together as one screaming ecstasy.

Skin on skin, rough to slow.
Heavy breathing, heavy touching.
It feels so real sinking into you...so real.

You remember when we planned out imaginary weddings? We picked out the dress and the location.
We were so dumb.

You remember when we walked the river in middle of the night?
It was freezing and nearly winter and we put our feet in anyway.
We were so dumb.

You remember when we ate cold Mac n cheese in your parents living room drinking till we couldn't think?
We laughed till we cried.., then we couldn't stop crying over each other.
We were so dumb.

You remember the 4 times we have tried, the endless, sleeveless nights?
The morning of regrets and the nights of pain? The day you left and moved away? The day I fell head over heels? The day you fell out of love...
We are so dumb.
I am so dumb.

Shimmering mountain and bright lakes call my name into the great unknown.
I have wandered to far to get caught in a crossroads with no right answer.

If I go right towards society my life will be scattered and I will fall back into the viciousness of routine. I will fall backwards towards the life I ran away from.

If I go left I will find the wild trees growing into the clouds and the forest ground covered in moss. I will eventually hit the ocean where I can sit upon soft white sand wishing for sunsets with answers.

If I turn around and go back the way I came... Well ... I suppose I will have made this journey for no reason except to get lost. I will have wasted valuable time most would say.

But who said at a cross roads you had to pick a path already created for you? Who said you couldn't... I don't know, make your own path?

Bright, shining water and clouds so white and scattered across the sky like your favorite watercolor. I said forget the norm and made a new path.

I can't help but wonder why we are pretending like it's Woodstock and 1969 all over again?

We pretend we know something about peace.
We act like we understand what it's like to be women and have no rights.
(Ladies you have more rights than you think you do)
We act like we know how the men and women in war feel when they come home to protesters and hatred.
(Stop hating on people who are risking their lives to save our country!)

1969.
***, drugs, rock n roll.
Peace and love.

We don't know anything.
We are so young and naive.

I am the same as the rest of you.,
I pretend like equality and legalizing drugs will make this world different, but it won't.
I like the idea of peace and love.
I love *** and rock n roll.

But I'm just a ****** up kid from the 90's.
I love too much.
I live too fast.
I'll die to young.
I like the idea of weaving flower in my hair & I love the Beatles.

Maybe 2014 is 1969 in a more obscene fashion?

We have a lot of made up, Hallmark type of Holidays don't we?
We have so many things we are told we have to celebrate our whole lives.
May is here -  Mother's Day is here.
But what about the dirt-bag mothers?
What about the mothers who don't care about their children?
What about the mothers who gave their kids up?

I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you weren't there when I needed you.
You were drowning in a bottle of ***** in your bathtub.
I know it's selfish- it's childish- but you still haven't been there.
You are too busy living in your own issues to remember you have children unless it suits you.

I remember living with dad and my stepmom- she raised me.
I remember grandma helping us with homework- she raised me.
I remember calling my dad when I was sad- he raised me.
I remember asking you where you were after 6 months of not hearing from you - but you couldn't even answer that question.

After years of picking up pieces and telling people I didn't have a mother here I am.
I am 25 years old with a stable job and stable home.
You are 47 with nothing to your name except some **** and a broke down apartment you get free from the government.
I am 25 with my **** together- paying my own bills- working for a living.
You are 47 taking pain pills as if your life depended on them.

I hear a lot of people telling me to forgive you, but I am just now coming to terms with how messed up I am.
I hear people telling me " that's your mom" but I am just now realizing the extent of my mental problem you have left me with.

All I have to say is thank the world for my father and stepmom and grandmother-- the only family I ever needed no thanks to you.

You said i would know
When the time came to **** you
But I'm not ready

We find ourselves always stuck in the between- the middle of a breakdown, the middle of a fight, the middle of a decision.
In the grey's instead of the blacks and whites of life.
In the undeveloped part of the film; the damaged part of the film.

Have you ever sat in the middle of your living room with a bottle of wine  and the windows slightly open in the middle of winter thinking about life?
I have.
Have you ever sat in the middle of the street in the middle of the night and wished silently to yourself this would all end if one car just turned that corner?
I have.

There's that word again... "Middle"
Which is such an ugly word the more I sit here and type it.
I want to be at the beginning of something.
I would even settle for the end of something just so I could restart again.

I have a hard time focusing on the present, which is also the middle of your life.
I'm always stuck in the past or wishing for the future...
Then again... I am the damaged part of the film.

I am the negatives that will not get developed for another couple years.

It's sad
that the one man to tell me he loved my body
was the one man
who was the worst for me.

It's sad
that the one man I wanted to give my heart too
decided destroying it was easier
then loving it.

It's sad
that the one man who dedicates songs and poems to me
is the one man
who I can't seem to fall in love with.

It's sad
that the girl who needs me to love her
is the one person
I can't seem to find love for.

You pin me against the wall- sharp intake of breath and I’m melting down my thighs.
Your hands are rough.
Your lips are soft
And stop… stop… no don’t stop.

I’m gasping and you’re pulling my hair- the fire in my stomach grows and I’m on my knees again.
I swore I’d never be on my knees again for you.

But your hands are rough against my skin.
Your lips are hungry and sweet.
And I don’t want you to stop… stop… oh my god don’t stop.

I remember the first time you starved me with those eyes.
The way you ran them up and down my body from my neck to my ******* to my hips to my thighs I knew.
I’d never be free of that stare or you ever again.

And I’d always want your rough hands gripping mine as you slammed them back.
And I’d always want that wet kiss running down my stomach lower and lower.
And I knew I’d never stop…. Stop… ****, I’ll never stop loving you.

Mondays belong to
Trash coffee
Work piled up
Windowless buildings

When they could belong to
Sleeping in
Coffee with you in the mountains
Art days and daydreaming

But I guess I have bills to pay.

I sometimes pretend you were just a vision-- something I made up to keep me happy.

But I remember it all so vividly-- your red pants, that grey shirt, the cologne you wear and you leaning on the wall waiting for me.

Did you move around a lot trying to find the "right" way to stand on the wall? Did you get nervous when I arrived? Did you feel the pressure I felt?

I'll never forget the humidity and the way I stared at you when I first saw you again.

I'll never forge the butterflies when I tried to smile but frowned instead. I'll never forget the way you asked how my trip was and I replied awkwardly how I needed coffee.

I'll never forget the way I looked at you... Knowing we had only one week and then it would be over.

And I'll never forget how by the end of the week I lost myself completely... And let every wall I ever built fall down for you.


you kissed me goodbye... And meant it.

We rode the train across the country- just your hand in mine.
We drank coffee and fell asleep on shoulders- uncomfortably comfortable.
We watched the sunsets through glass windows huddled up together under blankets.
We read books and quietly fell in love with fictional characters who reminded us of better versions of us.
We smiled a lot and slept so little because for once our reality was better than our dreams.

"Through thick and thin." You said as we passed by the great Rocky Mountains.
"Forever and always." I said as we kissed at the station in New York.