I don't care if I ever live valuable
As long as someone cries at my funeral

Finality is becoming more palpable
With every moment left becoming so pitiful

There's no longer incentive to create
When you feel like will has been replaced

Do you want to die, five days after you retire?
Or live to mire, a hedonistic empire

A week is too long to go without human contact
Or so someone thinks
I'm not human, and I never signed your contract
Life is lived on the brink

I hear people go crazy, start hearing voices
I hear they got old folks on lithium
Still hearing voices
In nursing homes

I swear, I'll die a kid
Severed from my interest
Reality is giving me chest pains
Everyone is getting heart attacks

Not so lucky, when you count down to fifty
****** up and missing
Any sort of point
A king of self doubt
Self crowned
Holed up in doorless cell
-------------------------------------
In my opinion, the point of suicide
Is a more accurate representation of a life lived
Than the funeral

I hope no one cries at my funeral

Party guests now reconsider
What's tangled up their hair
Roaring gales on the horizon
Ripping tent stakes from the ground

Chemicals strong enough to shatter self assurance
Always in flux, never to be found
Down corridors, through time and space
Just a second to look away
Away and back again
And in that second, she's somehow changed
In time I couldn't seem to do
Anything beyond observe

With his back to what could be
Glass pressed up against his lips
A jester and his kin abiding
Falling through the firmament
Self deluded, self deluded
Only matters when I'm waking
Self assurance so elusive
And fragile in it's nature

Take me back.
God, take me back, and I'll do anything
To quiet backyards
Hidden agendas on a personal scale
Laughter in self assurance, forgetting
How little any of us care
Take me back, I long for
Lightning overhead
Sinking in the grandeur captured
On hills combed over
Dusk rolls in
I'm feeling sick
The longing ends
My skin is burning
Can't stop the spread
The panic rises
This heartless dread

"Dynamics change
People change
But let's keep being friends"

Can't stop the screaming
And I can't stop myself from reflecting what's around me

It in the sense of an ill defined other
A presence, formed from this collective
An awe falling, noticed in rapid pace
And details drawn out through a magnifying glass

To brush shoulders strained with pressure
A sentence gained through it's essence
I can't begin to comprehend it
I can't slow down, so overwhelmed

I long to lose myself in it
I'd give up this cursed shape
To lose myself
To become swept away

Investment
Proper planning less demanding
Blowing out like a candle
Burnt through and drowning
In my own wax

Stay classy world, its going to be a long one

Stay active always until it starts to bite
At the space behind your eyes
As you lie to yourself that you still have health left
If integrity isn't what you're interested in

In the end its fun enough to bloat
Forgetting your true status because
Despite your best intentions you choose to forget
The drugs only get you so far
And you speed up the natural ending

So many enemies to create for the **** of it
So many amazing new creations to unlock like
A mason, stare into the stone and wonder why
It comes up looking like you put
So little heart into the thing you've just bled dry for

Like, why do we lie about the things we have and have not
Like dropping yet another line lower is something
To be proud of
And picking up something else someone else cant
Is tantamount to an accomplishment

I was never good at improv
And life isn't that funny anyway
To make a joke out of it is intrinsic to staying alive
But finding time to praise the idols of false self made
Mannequins

Too many humans lost themselves and punk rock is dead
So time to end it

Hardly seems real
Staring straight, eyes dilated slightly
Finding that the back of my throat
Is constricting

Unhindered
The light is shining through
Its burning up this trash
That clouds my better judgement
And I'm left choking on fumes

Just one word too far it seems
I just watched you dash my deepest dreams
With a callous disregard reserved
For the ignorant

Now I stand before you here
Stupefied
Everything I once held dear
You've broken in my hands

Left speechless
Motionless
You know I tried to mend every loose end
But there's no coming back from this

Left empty
You trashed my only plan
The words we held onto
Are falling from my grip as the cracks begin to show

The reflection
Of the truth i used to know
You're every little seam that deep inside of me
Kept the rest from showing

We unravel
Even as you start to scream,
traitor to the cause, I guess that's how you see me
Then that's what I have to become

And you don't notice
What we've both become
Nothing we loved changed at all
It's us with wandering hearts
And now we've strayed too far

I won't go on

A secret undiscovered
What was that thing you mentioned?
Keep changing stories round til
We run out of happy endings
Maybe I was mistaken
Is that a risk worth taking?

If I don't fall apart
Could I catch the bits of falling star
If I replay the words you said
Could I somehow make this right again?

Or do we fall apart?
Memories go bad before they're gone
Just how we live this life
Nothing.
Never.
It isn't right.

Saying no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say
You say you're not to blame
Isn't that easy for you
To
Say.

And in the morning light I
Woke up with your reflection
A picture perfect doll that
Sparks the best, my recollection
Igniting passions left so
**** unattended

So quick to move ahead
We might've left it wrong again
Is there anything that we could save?
As we dig another shallow grave

And then we fall apart
Memories turn bad, and then are gone
Burning fragmented lives
Turn on each other, out of spite

And you say no one's to blame
I bet that's easy for you to say

Stay true to your mind
Inner calm, inner calm
Inner...
...
Buckling under pressure
Stay true to yourself
A few minutes
All these questions
Could've...
Thought...
About...
That...
Before...

Stop­.

...

Inner calm
Breathe

It's cold
It's too ******* cold
Help
Help
It's getting worse
Help.

What's that?
I think it's the door
I focus on that little worming, niggling voice
Burning
In the back of my throat

There's no point.
Help.
HELP

I can't seem to understand
What could be done to soothe this ache
Ripped from a broken rib cage
Measure up all my mistakes

Coloring the glass
Staining all my liquor red
Leave me buried in the past
Spent every last second

Draining the last drops
Strained through broken teeth
Working for the sound of
Something that's worth healing

Finally myself if
Only for the moment
My truth is that I'm lost
In this current, vacant motion

How'd I lose my way

Another sunbeam, lost along the way
Remembering, long gone summer days
When the world was calmer
Everything sounded clear
But now your words keep falling
Ever further from my ears

Another sunbeam, lost along the way
lost to the elements, that pull like tidal waves
eroding further
Now the chaos reigns
Lost amid its shadow
Til its slowly pulled away

Do you think you'll look back at this moment in the same way
Since its not so disimilar
Since it sparked that particular memory

No

Reveling in
Simple things
Loved before they're gone

Playing down
Entropy
For the moment
We should let it go

Aware of
All the things
Thing's I can't control

In finding
Evidence
Of another
Brighter type of dawn

Out here
Past the point
Never quite alone

Resonate
In bitter sweet
Little moments
In the undertow

Aware of
All the things
Thing's I can't control

In finding
Evidence
Of another
Brighter type of dawn

Tipping point reached, one final breath
Let the waves of inertia crash, contaminate

....

Alone in complexity, machinery, and everything
Perfectly formed human being
Slowly turning sour by the minute

Stale air, only growing in its bitter taste as
Seconds that feel like hours, add to feel like years
All the plans i made
All the plans i planned to make
Gone, but not forgotten

But then they were gone
Truer statement never read then
What i read on the back of the final bit found
Within my reach
Filtered through a layer of sediment
settled over my vision
Sanitized as life had been

But my shelter having been breached
To seep much longer...

Too accustomed, but it doesn't help

Found lacking in the company I had hoped to keep

A poor atonement, sinking further

Or, it kept rising

I was nearly covered.

.....

They stepped a little closer
And left appalled by what they found
Rotting in the dark, silently

Defensive at the outset, shaking at the sound
Sounding incomplete

Face down this
Eventual ending
For me

You caught me off guard, could you let me get my story straight
It's difficult to comprehend a ****** word you say
If you walk away this time, well, this is probably it
But I can't find a single reason for you to stay

Give me a second, let me get my thoughts right
You got me this time, feels like my tongue is in a vice
I try and say as much, but can't explain
So I try and fail to wear sympathetic face

That look you're giving, It's obvious you're not amused
I Suppress the urge to ***** out another thin excuse
You turn tail, stirring panic up inside of me
But despite everything, I just up and watch you leave

I think it's safe to assume
I will change, but it won't be soon
Maybe once I know what I want to say

You're one tough act that I don't want to follow
Watching you run towards tomorrow
Leaves me wishing that I could have today

You always talk fast, I'm trying to wade through
I can't unpack your constant deluge
Give me a second, let me concentrate

I don't understand the your phantom pressures
I can't figure out how you communicate
Or find the source of your endless grace

There's no such thing as true evil
Across all cultures and creeds, evil exists
All relegated to human existence
It's a byproduct of our own physicality
There's a million neurons firing constantly
Fueling immeasurable transfers of information
Constantly, across the whole of the race
Across the face of the planet
It's just one massive web of ideas
We're all afraid of death, its terrifying
We hate the idea that we won't exist
And our group instinct drives us together
Empathy binds us like that, and we feel a false sense that
We're moral beings, because we treat others with respect
But we're only looking out for ourselves
And we can quickly kid ourselves
Systemic evil is just everyone tricking themselves in a million different ways
All tricks coming in different directions
And when tragedy strikes, we all like to look at the end result
We all point at the ******, ugly end and say
That's evil
And then we try and scapegoat, look for easy solutions
But really, we're all culpable

Odds stacked, but the overbearing
Often mistaken thoughts that are lending
More and more credence to my mind

Jaw slacked, but this mind has been sharpened
Its more than a fact, we breathe brokenhearted
But it's going to take far more than that this time

We spoke once, before it was over
We must speak again, cure the disorder
You're the only medicine I have in mind

Oblivion, or the loss of retention
Mysterious, if only for the second
Don't leave me sinking slowly into brine

It only takes a start and
You'll find yourself in time
Down an over guarded
Vaulted false start of a ending

I'd leave a perfect world
by my own virtue it would seldom ever grow
I watched this, your flag unfurl
Never though a match could make me feel so low

I stand and watch it burn
Crushed by the silence you began to show
There is no lesson learned
I walk away, yet you don't watch me go

Step inside see my life from my own perspective
Witness my infanticide
Crumbling cursed, each new notion rejected

I am my one true love
But still infatuation leaves me feeling breathless
Unfit unfaithful holy one
Did you belive you could disconnect me

This city has a gun
Evidence is mounting all against me
Witness the setting sun
Smoking skyline sick, and watch it fall free

Counter terrorist far too late
My toll I took, all I could take
Robbery of the first degree
First degree burns
God you're so **** pretty

There was always a disconnect
This life promises to be full of discontent
And regret
Make no mistake
Every time I set something fake
Into concrete and incased
My free will it was faux
I let my emotion lay low
And now I'm going

Sorry about the mess, man

Syllable death knoll
This appropriate age ends
Busting out its rib cage

She asked me what I was living for
And I gave her this confession

In this realm of population
In the sanctum that is living
This world only exist in
The spaces that demand it
Beings who's lives surround
Boundaries required to sustain
Thoughts and queries somehow persist
Against the grain
Pain and longing don't exist outside the brain
Its in this environment, a hostile place

We come face to face with the tantamount lack of grace
Perfection has no enemies because it has no face to hate
Emptiness is something to which each of us relate
Its all enveloped in the great cold distance

Developed in the river swiftly grinding our roots away
Drab and lifeless as a surprising softness sickening and meaningless
Blending together with the coarsest feathers to create the bed on which we lay
In lieu of living organs, please send your deepest thanks

And we both looked down into the grave
A connection in contrast to
The depth of recession all around us

And the ending's always the same
Each and every host finds themselves in a less than stellar place
Every spectacle and spec of plot laden hero
Is slowly digested

Among the monstrosities and grotesque scenery
Something else can take shape
And grow metaphysically
Fake though it may be in the face
Of such bleak uncertainty

Electricity

Everything will fade away
Eventually
But I'll still be staying here
In my crumbling dream

Nothing for this ache
Ironically
Bright against the light of day
The centerpiece

For the first time, in a long time
For the very first time...

Vacate every side in space
Ironically
One last chance that we could take
Anarchy

Moth writhing in the flames
Never meant to be
Drawn up to the ledge I found
waking soulless sleep

For the first time, in a long time
Maybe for the the last time...

Take a deep breath
Sort out your answers
Take off the mask
Look through your own eyes, again
Take a deep breath
Brace for impact

Holed up in a closet with half a pint or so
Too slowly disheartening for the time it takes
And far too enigmatic for the plans I've yet to make
Yet I move with every atom drawn emancipated

Yet the context of neurons
And bitter sweet memory all a fabrication
Another thin layer of nostalgia to force feed the sleeping beast
And even as I disregard, it comes up through the latency so brazen
Another helpless mess of chemicals to feast upon

Boring

A **** shame as well
Charismatic yet moments away from being half adjusted
Using every empty vow of justice to reciprocate
He must've mustered every ounce of faith based forgery
And the internal jury applauds

All is for naught, but drowning in waste deep
Self pity is for suckers
I can drown in less than half an inch

Selfishness is only realized once
Pride stops you from making friends
Maybe the fear hits nearer to home
Reopen its wounds like the case that lay dormant but provable
Felonious though it may be once you disregard empathy
You know he did

And yet it bleeds

Still it moves

Cognition taken for granted, but by who?
Sure, the long since departed had so much to lose
But If with every passing breath they would've ****** down oxygen
With the same callousness he possessed
When cutting off their heads

Doesn't the burden fall on you as well...
Sending a man to hell is no easy task

Bask in the grace you made for yourself
Bending the page with ink that you've layerd
With blood and homage to past ruling lieges
That murdered their wives for no ******* reason

Tragedy only strikes in pairs
Taking the same heads off twice
One visible, the other not so much

Hell, I'm the result of a decade or more of some coddle culture
******* left over from safety scissors bound up in bubble wrap
Much to do about feuding parties of mopped up has beens

Gutted and mutilated by the dullest claws, vomiting out soliloquy to someone waiting off screen

Feeding on attention when I've got none left to spend
Endemic of the stations fashioned on the broken bones of little kids
Who do you think you're kidding
Fitting each misfit with a fistful of
Faux Information
And letting them sort it out with perfect indigantion
Each stroke of a pen left blood on the page
And you wage war warning all of the names written
The only fitting way for you to die
Is in the cause you've helped create

Facing facts

Fabrication is largely left to the mental state
Of intoxicated fake plastic yet venomous snakes
Imagination only limited by wavelength
Of who's thoughts can last longest
Who can outlast

What class is the farthest when ranks are displayed
With golden tradition on vest made of clay
Surrounded by privation
Formal ware decays

When dinner jackets are
Met with machine guns

If its won by numbers, the race will all starve and
If science is ******, vanquished gods walk the streets
The enemy is what we've seen in the dreams
Not what befalls us in countless nightmares

Daring

My scrap meat is metal to build my machine
Body of parts I was so denied
Lithe and disjointed
Foraging necessities
Festering sensitivities lead to machinated loss of life

Let it sink

This ship is filling with the inked material lies
You claimed I could safely sail upon
Bailing out every word I despise
Something tells me, I'll find nothing to drown in

Nine o'clock

Weaponry only to serve me in time
Once in the presence of what I will claim is mine
Deep inside, rooted in every peer
Fear is the malady keeping them occupied

Each click represents a reclamation
Every time

Simple life, lived as a vintage television set
Ornate, one of the few luxuries exclusively for the well off
Useless.
Kitschy
A banal dream with pleasures devoid of an iota of venom
In a construct, a forsaken place, a planet without form
A perfect encapsulation, almost a replica
Of status, a microcosm
Head in the clouds.
Soul in the blood and bone
Desperate, claimed slowly by unrepentant chunks of flesh
I see the breeze on the horizon, sweeping through the fields

So I
Wake up

I never expected. It's not something I asked for.
But I rise all the same.
Once more, one more story to add to the pile

And as it turns out, I found the cure
Deep within the growths sprouting, and the sick smell
To rise once more
In the conclusion of it, I was an island to myself, but I felt at peace.
As my boots strike the sand, and my heart sinks a little lower
The pinch doesn't feel quite as real.

I could take some dedication to the facts that remain, as a claimant
Vigor worn to a shaggy pulp, my lungs crumble in a wave of synthetic dust
The scorn faced, the harsh lights shone on me, the blistering heat...
Unforgivable, as any reasonable man might conclude
I absolve no one of anything, but it all slips further from my mind, day in and day out
If I want it too or not.

To be so sure I'm awake...
How crazy am I?
The whole world breathes, exhales, in a layer of grey smoke, that soon condenses into clouds to shade me personally in my inaccessible fantasy.

The whole world's slipping further into those muted, docile gray shades.
A whole symphony of colors for these starved eyes
So hollow now...
Along barren halls, I'll run my fingers, across the faces of dead, rotted saints and take my gratification
In simple motions, drinking in the vibrancy, all the intricacy bleeding through the mock notions of simplicity

It didn't feel real then. I remember it all, in vivid detail
In those few moments, though branched and snaking through the tunnels of my fleshy wiring
I didn't feel anything.

The pinch doesn't feel real anymore
I can touch the sides of the sink.
My fingers, with gentle pressure applied, can sink into my skin
It only seems to matter when I touch it...

I stopped bothering doing it, a long time ago
It slipped from my memory

Can you belive it?

Belive me when I say
I used to trust myself
In any way
This silver cord is shorter
Now I've all but lost my health

Poor forked forced set of mental blind
Heady terminal path soon to be mine
Grimy iron taste so sublime
Salt water spilling into overtime

(*****)

I hated that
Complete tripe
*******, ******* subjective

Yeah, I AM glad you died
Like, in a present for my future
It's all mine, you...

It is all mine.

Low end rent roach
Bring around the stage coach
Pick myself a lane

*******

Deep under ground
Through these channels
Communication of a life
Longing led
Bleeding out this medication

Permutation of the rain
Water ever flowing
Through eroded cisterns
Joy and pain
Ever dimmer
And the nowhere this is going  

Through the ground i did arise
Only to find the blackest night
And through the clouds i did escape
Only to find the void of space

Back at the start
Plans demolished
Polishing my motive
Over drawers
Filled with empty inkwells
And words on paper jotted

This nightmare slowly rises
Feeling uninspired
Quiet, new horizons
Bleed out into an open sky

This earth feels far away
This is all I have to say
Simplicity, this final right
Long awaiting, this endless night

Will of the world
Freedom for all
God given right. To ****. Them all.

Now we go

It's time to fall
Right out of line
It's time to go

We go

Round and round on the circle
Live by and die
For what
This force
Drives home

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
Music box ticks out a song

Then stops

Wind it back up
÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷

Just like
The lamb
I came
Blind and mute to the slaughter
The same

The same way

As it goes

It's just the same
There is

No longer hope

Round and round on the circle
We live and die
For what
This force
Drives home

Pouring my
Iron down into the mold
It glows
Across my face
My hands
They quake
And as it sets
I can start to see

My
Face

Round and round on the circle
I watch them go
Living to die
By the hand
Of a force
Bringing them home

And it's not much of
A strech
Ive come to second guess

÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷÷
The music box shatters

Deep inside me something feels chains crawling all along its back.

I changed my mind
I know I never cared enough
The weight inside
Never seems to let up

Suddenly, I can't find the words to say
I can feel the rhythm of your heart beat in my hands
When I'm alone

Another road
When did I lose myself again?
There's no control
Once the rot sets in

Suddenly, everything I understand
All the seconds in my head just ticking away
Never mattered at all

Could you stay the same
For just one more day

Could you stay
The same
For
Just
One more day

Do you feel that weight?
Starting to shake
Distant thunder begins to roar

I exist through sleepless nights
And the chances
As the first few drops start falling down

Pleasure and pain
Human traits
Vying for attention in the back of lucid nightmares

Everyone is the same, after all

Could you stay the same
For
One
More
Day

I can't see the bright side
Why'd you look me in the eyes
This time

But let's
Go
Out or something
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday

So let's
Head
Down to the lake house
Lately
I've been feeling
Like its Sunday
All the time

Chill seeps from the river
Current rushing over me
Barren tree, standing
Branches listless in the wind

All i could count on
In the howling of wolves

Pull these roots from shore
Wrap me in, this cold embrace
In the cold, I'll become one
With withering frost,
It seeps into my veins
Across my eyelids
The crystals formed
From my extremities
Ice

It never dies but never stays the same
And I must admit I like to watch it change
Cause the world is empty and I am as well
Skipping down to the sound of a funeral bell
But I still love and I'm still alive
Give it time; I'm sure I'll turn out fine
Lonely only in my mind

Something I can't grasp but
Makes me feel so self-aware
A little bit of sorrow
To compliment an empty stare
That never lies
But truth be told, I've paid my fines
And I've never felt better
Than I do when I

Let it all unwind
Ease the burden of my crimes
And hesitate or meditate on what I'll leave behind
Thinking of the end never made it get here any faster
And if I've got to be thinking all the time

Yeah, maybe
Free will is a little bold
Everyone is bought and sold
The sale is final and denial
Never helped out anyway
Maybe living for a dollar is as bad as they say
But make no mistake
I wouldn’t have it any other way

Though I see well enough
Lucidity escapes me
Left withering and splintering
In the face of change
In spite of the ending
Something writhes inside of me
A solitary heave
Railing against eternity

But I still cling
To the bits of shade

Every death is unique
As detailed as a fingerprint
I'm still not sure how to communicate
This intrusive thought, it never goes away

Please...
I need is to die knowing
That it wasn't all for nothing
That I gave this life for something

Maybe I've been too detached
Maybe I've been contradicting
Falling fast from what I'm needing
In hopes of finding something real

So outside the mind, enhanced
I see visions of my self
Inside my skull I sit and wait, pondering
If I'm even alive, as eternity
Stretches out before me, but
Nothing scratches that itch
Waiting for a fabrication to take me in
In the days to come...

I'll still cling
To the bits of shade

Who carries enough weight already
Shoulders taught, bowing backs under
The extent that is already carried
Strength born from what was torn asunder

That the burden we all place
From misguided necessity
Would hardly disrupt their pace
Sheltered from all uncertainty

A true hero, to save us from ourselves
To walk their fragile line, keeping us afloat
Lest we drown somehow, in our own murk
Shifting, grounding

Shouting out our names
From somewhere behind us
Furthering our doubt
While always reassuring
Keeping us in place
Granting us our freedom
To ignore what we came from
Picking up our broken remnants

Engorging always
To feed a toxic ego
Reaching out ahead
Affixing our alluring
Goal, so we would miss
How it's come to be
What we would achieve
If given half a chance

I guess we'd be indignant
Should we shoulder burdens
Similar in scope
To struggle with the truth

Internalize the world
How it is, not how we'd like it to be
Or how it's been perceived for us

****
Can't believe I'm still here
It's been a crazy couple of years
Crazy in the scene, now I'm going crazy
Innocence taste
Just as good as it once did

Just like they once did
Took some ****
Now I couldn't ******* dream of
...

It

It being above me
Somewhere
Why the hell did no one seem to care?..
So self aware
Of my brainwaves
In this cramped and damp space

Dullards are lucky
****
I wish i could pick up a sawed off
And get these kids
Of my **** lawn
Then blow my brains
All before the break of dawn
And the break of my fast
I fasted change

Turns out all i got to eat
Is beans and toast
****, I guess i'll starve then

Back to the wall
Covered in  faces
mocking me
I know it
Show the rest of yourself
Then the youth you
Use as an excuse for good health
Won't do you much good
This is my neighborhood
Down here all alone

*******
I wish this house was a home
This grass could grow
Up my ankles
I'm as thankless as angles
With *******
Just missing some grace
Or some ****

Rest in piece, more like
(Heh)
Rust in place



I'm so alone....

Not overly vocal, but the thoughts are unending
Self described pretentious, thoroughly fermenting
**** showing up for class, the course is unnecessary
Carrying bodies is better anyway

Throwing someone else's life away
Half measures lead to pain
I used to have options, how'd it get so late

Copious rhyme schemes, and not a single one calls to me
**** it, I'd rather be free anyway
Nothing really to say, other than I hate myself
Taking a pass on happiness for ***** and giggles

The struggle might be real for other people
But tell me why I should help
I'm pretty busy with my misery
And people look the same to me
I swear I've seen what there is to see already

Not all sinners want salvation
Not all saints deserve their faith
I'm a bit sick of constant elation
Motion to let the jury sit in

I want them to hear before they judge me
Love to me is just another disease
Even the sight might be enough
To disrupt my digestive process

Shut me right the **** up
See if I care

A blinding
Hopeless inclination towards a blending of nostalgia
And something just a twinge surreal.
Too enraptured, perhaps, or too locked inside the senses
The search takes me places, to small shards that I don't quite comprehend.
Still unsure why, if I can't, or I just don't want to.

It's old and familiar
Soaking in solitude, rife with memory.
Touched lightly by the hem of rose tint, blooming in the spreading flames.
As the old wooden paneling, tried as a tinderbox
Begins to peel away, affected by the heat.
A fire, awakening with the first rays of morning.
To warm up the little room, as the walls softly fall, turning to ashes.
Revealing the bare frame.
And the fauna outside begins to show itself
Sprinkled with dew, gently coaxing away the flames.
Rooted too close, it would seem
As they progress, slowly wither under ash

But for now, I still crawl through creation.
Hopeless, I'll never recapture...
Ignoring new context, engulfed in this fruitless rapture
With the past still dancing through my head.

I wish I had your eyes. I really do. I wish I could see all the colors that you seem too. The vibrancy that I've been missing for so many years...

He looked up. Same walls. Always the same. Gray paint, chipping away. Water damaged brickwork. He glanced upward. Same energy efficient lights adorning the same stained and faded ceiling tiles.

One thirty am.

I wish I had your mouth, I really do. Wish I could string words together like you can. I wish I could find the rhythm that your heart beats too.

He looked up at the furniture placed carelessly around the room. It's sparse. The room feels almost empty. A bed tucked away in the corner, half hidden in shadow. The sheets are wrinkled. He hasn't bothered washing them in a while. He's been sleeping on the couch. The cushions are getting threadbare. They were already worse for wear, over a year ago. He remembered what it felt like to drag it inside. How he almost pulled a tendon trying to get it through the door.

I wish I could fly away from here, like you did. Cut all my ties, burn all my bridges. I wish I could embrace the unpredictability like you have.

He looked up at the walls.

I wish I could clean all the filth off my hands. You always did have such impeccable hands.

He looked up at the walls. Same cracks, same cracks. Looked over at the can of paint. It'd been there since he'd put it there. He'd left it there the week before he'd moved in. He'd been meaning to touch up a few spots.

I wish I could rid my mind of these festering insects. I wish, I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

It was quiet. Too quiet. Always with the buzzing static filling up the endless quiet, never quite masking it. Always with the static, ringing in his ears. It was always quiet, so very quiet.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish.

It's so quiet. He couldn't think straight. He couldn't think straight. He looked up at the walls. Sixteen strings, dangling down, one fragile spine impaled in a back that it won't fit.

I wish I could see through your eyes, hear through your ears.

It's so quiet, he'd never hear a thing again. Sixteen candles blown out in the breeze. One untouched ice cube left in a glass on the coffee table, so mundane, so unconcerned with the sun soaking in through the window.

I wish I could be as hauntingly beautiful as a raven perched on a telephone pole in mid November.  

He looked up at the walls. His hopelessly outnumbered little diatribe barely holding its own against the cascade of static, swelling, thriving in the void left behind by the silence. Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

If only I could enter your mind. Swim through your deprived notions, your sensations of pleasure you derive from nothing good at all. Things we all keep hidden.

He looked up at the printer. It's sitting on an orange crate in the corner opposite the bed. Eighteen, nineteen, twenty.

If I could wish at all, I'd wish for this eventuality. It's harrowing, you know. Wishing for things. Knowing that all hope has so carelessly been squandered on things you couldn't care less about.

He'd left a soda can sitting on his desk. He picked it up. It's still a little sticky.

I wish I could be as free as can be. I want to be free. I want to be as free as a bird. Not a sacrifice, please.

I'm feeling harmony, looking in your eyes
I always feel alright, when I'm with you
It's this sense of empathy I can't feel otherwise
I always feel alright when we're together

Emotional currency creating dependence
Once dissonant tones start weaving together on repeated listens
Love and joy, the heartache and pain
Harp on these notes till they all bleed together

It'll always be different, don't you
remember how you feel when you're alone?
Suffer from this static human conditioning
Blacking out whenever connections form

Memory doesn't appear to be part of this game
Disharmonious thoughts, that we refuse to explore

In defense of myself, there's nothing I won't explore
Identity flux cauldron, mixture of various inputs
and Impulses I might've felt as a kid or even earlier

That's how it is, but maybe not how it should be
But natural order will sort itself out, so I digress
One thing hardly taken into consideration
Our own aptitude for our self destruction

It's internal loathing, perhaps rightfully deserved
I can feel it too, every second glance in a mirror
Could we still strive for a better end?
Tomorrow is a new day, after all

...

Vanity in sacrifice, adorned in white
Polished posture, so significant it seems
Furrowed brow, heavy with self occupation
Empty vessel, paraded, held in no regard
But the construct of time will tell
Reveal true motivations

Self aggrandizing, should death be your value
Well groomed in your simple wooden box
But inlaid with ivory, paid for with suggestions
Carefully plotted, like paving stones

Considering bitter ends, a new pass time
In some attempt to add a bit of sweetness to the taste

...

I fear I'm deflecting again
You, the brunt of my dissatisfaction
Erroneously placed, if I err, stay with me
Or I might drift away while I sleep

I'd die in my sleep just to dream again, breath again
I would lie to myself just to pretend that I could move on

Its only as hard as you think it is
The Sentiment's
Only around till the season ends, and I know

I wish I understood where I go
In the moments between, when I'm defined
A map of me, written down on a stereo

I've only got enough change, to make it somewhere close
Where do you want to go?

Days that bleed together come up so unclaimed  
Rising out of nowhere
And falling just the same
Stretching out before me, I see sleepless nights
And  a lifetime filled with pain

The storeroom full of daydreams is looking rather forced
I've used up every fantasy, and still I'm still staying the same course

But here comes the refrain
The mantra I try to entertain
Famine is a constant flame
That burns down to the core of man
And lets you understand
Just how this life will end
And there's no real way to win this game

I think i understand when people talk
Even when there's nothing good enough to say
Everybody's lonely on this road, and as we walk
They just want to stave off the silence

Something or nothing
What a strange dichotomy

**** your teenage dream, I swear I'm happy in between

Pressure cooker locked around
slowly bearing down
Everything, never what it seems
No one ever see's what I mean

The fat all melts away
Mixed up with productive pain
Villainy is the new currency
For the kids with blood to bleed

Tragedy sells well
And tearing of chunks of soul
bodes well
If you can't tell the difference

Between hell and high water
Drowning to toll the bell
For the next guy
When even the dead inhale

Something or nothing
**** your false dichotomy

No one is happy
Everyone lives between

This **** is gutting up
Cutting up my gut
Like I give a ****
No, it's because I left just about everyone
Flailing around in my dust

I must confess
Swiftly address the constant droning
Running down the last seconds
It's such a mess
But what I meant to say, is
I hate the way I don't remember much of anything
Anymore

I see a new face
******* a
This disgrace never passes away
Like, did you not get paid?
Turn one eighty
Brand new face
Turn one eighty

Another new face

Keep mocking me, we will see
Who stands at the end
Of the **** you apprehend
Or keep
Fiend on the mend
I've all but exhausted my friends
Reserves running low
But holy god am I hopped up on
Battery acid

Classy eyes biding all the while

Stairs twisting around the snare
Bound up in an armchair
Executioners chariot

I came down from there
And became entrenched
Overcame the odds
Survived and now
I feel so odd
Or out of place
This newfound age
Is too ******* strange

I can no longer move my arms

I could never go the same way I came

There is no more hope of progression

Every passing moment
Caught staring at the blissful sky
Decorating the ceiling

Awash in the glow
Of light that hides away just out of frame
It's been burning low

Thoughts of my life still beckon, as the world takes a somber tone
But the timing is right, pulled in this effortless misdirection
It's numbing

Found myself here
Why isn't that enough...

A gilded cage. Maybe
I guess
I'd rather let the summer air drench the weathered wood
Another recessed cycle, all timeless til its over
Lie here lifeless
With nothing left to fight
Only time

It sounded like a gunshot
Ripping through an open door
I never know what I want
But I've never wanted something more

Don't take me as an insult
Lying on my bedroom floor
Life sounds so simple
Treat me like a mind explored

I hate myself
And I just want to feel alive
I found out all I find
Dies just the same in time

It sounded like a gunshot
Bleeding out for a taste of fun
The wound is looking red hot
I am waiting here for anyone

To survive
Who will make it out alive?

I survived
And now I feel so lonely

Ha

Surprise, its me again
Full frontal, coming up again
Stripping out your mind
You all look just the same
Take your time
How'd you like a name?

Just survive, and you can have it

Hidden in sight, just another shadow waiting
Past the light, hanging on the wall, stagnating
Watching, loathing, holding on so tight
Chest constricting, as the night goes on

T o n i g h t

Steeling glances, repeat my selfish motives
Mantra's bloated, overtaking every motion
Sway in time, as the light begins to waver
So inspired
to make this mine

T o n i g h t

In this reality
Things are seldom what they seem
Your lights are fading
Soon you will see what I can see

You will see the whole of me

Can't you empathize with me?
Take another moment, of your mediocrity
As I envy your stagnation
Bloated mess of everything I
Have ever
wanted

T o n i g h t

You're wrong

You are so ******* wrong

In the mirror
Thing's are seldom what they seem
Your poor morality
Leads into a fever dream

The light's been wavering
Won't be long before I'm free
The sun is setting
In the night I will be

Everything

T o n i g h t

Did you
figure out how to feel
I've bled
Into all the colors here

Destined
To somehow die alone
I still
Don't understand the throne

Reverence
The summit's height
To capture
Finally fading light

It's all over
Before its begun
It's all over

Wonder why I can't give a ****
Something in the air's got me ******
I don't know, I just woke up
What can I say?

Rusted iron bar
Rough against my wrist
Trapping all the moonlight
Under crystal waves

****** mason jars
Menial joyless tryst
Draining all the starlight
Through crystal waves

Far as you are far
Listless in your way
Searching in your headlights
Flooding in my head

Rustic open scar
The grit all washed away
Deep beneath the moonlight
In crystal waves

I just can't no longer see
Without your rapidly deteriorating interest interest
What's killing me

Causality
Couldn't care less
It's killing me

Whatever life spared to see
Couldn't care less

Daybreak
Sunlight washing over me
The end of senseless tragedy
Letting go of pain

Dry spells and misery
Inflaming all my past regrets
For a while, lived sight unseen
Another mile, on a vacant road

Never thought It'd feel this real
Like I could a life in memory
It's been a while since we parted ways
But all those days still seem clear to me
I know the future is fixed in place
But it never felt that way to me
Ever longing for simplicity
Never feeling real

Secluded out here, In the passing trees
Wreathed in light of gaias halo
Through shadows washing over me
In the calm, quiet calamity

Another fantasy I can't fulfill
Or live up to, as evidenced
Imagination of the heartless soul
I never can forget
Nursing wounds that could never close
Something crawling up my throat
To watch the rain fall inside my head
From my bedroom floor

Don't wait
Why would I lie to you?
As ash peels from the coals
That bittersweet hanging rope
Don't you want to let it go?
Cause it's never getting better than this
There's no going anywhere next
Think of something you love
All things you held close

Daybreak
Sunlight washing over me
The end of senseless tragedy
Letting go of pain

Getting so lost again in my thoughts
Thought for a while I could find a way
Talk it out, sing it loud, nullify the pain
But the nerves are here, never to fade

Every time that I find myself awake
When I should be unaware
These thoughts keep me in chains

Talking past fringe friends I've never known
Regretting yet again the fact I've staked my claims all on my own

And I need to share
The half of me still self aware
All I want you to see
Is the part of me I'll never be

It all looks so ideal
Staring in a mirror
With a picture of you next to me
A pedestal for all to see

To keep me in a frame
Colored just a tad deranged
From laughing in the pain
Pretending I've  been bleeding just the same

But I've got to say
I'm sad, but it is all a stage
A sliver screen, my own display

Bonds are forged out of a flame
And living has only found me cold
Frictionless and meaningless
Or so I've been told

Somehow, life finds me here, alone

But It won't be long now, and it won't matter so much

I want god
I want clousure
All I've ever wanted was to find my own finality

I need death
I need fate
All my life I've lived for a clear path to take

And what I get
All I can find
Is a million blinking lights to pass the ******* time

Won't someone come around
And put me out of my misery?
Don't you know I've been found?
Again?
Again

There's nothing more to gain
From slogging through this pain
And every single road
Is just the same

All I want is something dry
Somthing for the mind
Got anything that can preoccupy?

Theres nowhere to go
And theres no more direction
I'm getting sick of returing to my home


The time is getting late
And I had best be going
I'm gotten tired, searching for my fate

Has led me to the edge
And walked me right back, back again
Back to the roads

Yeah, and every road still looks just the same

I've got this idea
Not much more than a feeling, really

There's a kid, sunken into a dark green couch
It's old.
It's been reupholstered more times than anyone cares to remember
But its comfortable, so no one cares
He's hardly moving
Its hard to see what hes thinking, his expression a blank slate
His face is glowing with the rays of the sun, soaking in through a picture window
It paints the wood paneled den with hues of burning orange

The heat kicks in, and warm air creeps out from beneath the floor and swirls above the **** carpet, faded and worn

He  just sits there, staring out the window

Outside, the grass has lost its color and now lays like a blanket over the frozen ground
All along the bases of leafless oak trees and amid their skeletal branches, squirrels roam freely, filling the cooling air with soft chatter

Birds as well, perched amid the darkened branches
Standing, watching the world turn

The shadows create a perfect contrast, growing as the sun sets
Dark fingers that reach out to pull the world into the quiet arms of encroaching night

The wildlife seems unconcerned as they wander aimlessly, sating any curiosity that arises without a care

He wants to join them
He wants to be just as free
But the room is warm
And the couch is soft
So he sits
And watches the world turn

Solvent and solution
Kept assuaged for so long
Treading in the selfishness of my subconscious state
Of barely traceable memories, spurred on by the gravity of time spent
At the briefest hint at past involvement

Each leaf falls, eventually.
Every pristine little well formed tended to.
Each nurtured, cared for, parcel or idea.

I can watch them for hours
Watching them fall, one by one, for hours.
When days start to bleed together, out of the corner of my eye,
I can always see them, marking progression.
Collecting in drifts, then, taken by the wind, then
The rot sets in.

I used to watch this.

I used to find time.

The roof cast me in its shadow, even standing along the banister that runs along the length

Even as the final rays of sun start to vanish one at a time

I am scarier as an invitational being
Draw me a context and watch me come to life
Strive with me, we will be friends
Come and watch as unity does commence

Try and wake up in Arcadia
And watch as you lie still
The rings of Saturn turn
And the world turns downright cold

But you won't wake up again

Trust me; I've never been so timid
Every grin grimace is as lifeless as my own
Even our souls have begun to tendril shut
Forward thinking and forward feeling
Did I take you? Sorry, I didn’t mean to

Each breath drawn colder
Each breath taken lightly
Shoulder to shoulder
Beings of all shapes
Beings with minds shaped, molded and singular

They all hunger

For you, one way or another

The eyes once drawn apart
Have found their way together
Right and left
Every breath
Working on into forever
Like it or not
And I'm sure you don’t know
We will surface soon
And then we will float

Try waking up in Arcadia
You will never wake up in Arcadia
The rings of Saturn turn
And the world became void
But the dream is all there is
You have been awake
There is no awareness
I am doomed

Hatred, always been the cause
Tearing the town down, with each new clause
Ironically bitter
Fitted with my spite
Blind to my persistance
Mantra, my might makes it right

But I found a jewel among the rubble
Of the lives I danced upon
Beauty true, that made me stumble

I need you to know

My view
It changed
And I saw everything
The past, the end, and what it means to be
Someone who has found the truth, without a doubt
Infinity begins now

Hypnotic, enticed
Thoughts above reproach
Building cities out of love
High above most
People flocked to listen, listen and believe
Ministry commissioned, a mission to succeed

But I found a diamond in the rough
A pill so hard to swallow
Over complicated, but I just couldn't get enough

Now, I need you to understand

The scales
They fell
And I saw everything
No choice, to change
All that I believed
I'm sure I know the truth, and without a doubt
Infinity begins now

Try to find
A single reason
To change my mind

I'll give you a minute
Deep inside...

I guess its not all that hard
To blow my mind

The walls
They caved
As the world around me
Stretched out
Beyond, farther than I could see
Falling to my knees, my will was breaking down
Infinity begins now