Every night as I go to bed with my conscious filled with remorse and my heart so heavy
I feel like a side of my body cries out in pain, and the other one feels wholly empty
Tears roll down my eyes as if I hadn’t cried enough during the day
Still, I wish there was a way in which I could just make the grief go away

My mind seems clouded with a million things, each of them ripping me apart
I feel so emotionally drained that even keeping up with my sanity seems so hard
Wanting to break free from the shackles of my mind, I now realize I can no longer carry
Carry the fear of futility, the fear of failure, the fear of everything. I just want to spend my youth in a merry

Insecurities forge the unrest I sense within my chest, they make me feel like nothing to the world I could give
The emotions that I have been suppressing have now left me suffocated, my ribs can no longer protect my heart by instilling all the pain, at any moment they might split
And though being thankful for everything I am blessed with, I feel like I don't even deserve a bit
With this constant thought running through my brain cells, I realise that I am slowly turning into an under-watered withering flower, with no desire to live

I see you, I feel you and I hear you
I know the travails you’ve been through
Always there, never looked at
Rarely at peace,  mostly in combat
You fight to hold on and fight to let go
The person you love most may become a foe
Once you’re wounded it lasts a lifetime
Yet the executors never deem it a crime
Its the heart that has to go through it all
And at the end of the day, has to stand tall
I say the heart is a wild creature
It is its own master and its own teacher
And our ribs are its disdainful cage
One that in no way soothes, only enrages
The heart would consider beating the cage down
But it knows if it escapes in blood you would drown

Every breath, a weight
on my chest, reluctantly
comes, being chased
only by my
quickening pulse.
A knife slips between
my ribs and with
every word that passes over my lips, it
twists.
A silent scream is trapped
behind my teeth.
Butterflies with knives
are cutting up
my insides.


Found poem from Automatic Loveletter's song "Butterflies"

my tongue isn’t
long enough
to reach all the places down your throat
it wants to touch

i’ll have to kiss your ribs
some other way

i don't know why im writing this. but i used to write every so often when i was younger.
i am turning 18.
it almost feels like a fever dream. i never felt this frightened my whole life.
is my life really starting? is this the beginning of a decade?
where am i gonna be after this? how am i gonna feel?

you see, growing up, it's that just simple.
nothing changes, and you still gotta wait for something to.
it doesn't magically happens.

and i hate waiting.
i wanna be older and free.
but, most of the time i wish life was simpler like when i was younger.

I await the calm, the bleach
of night, that chapter

when my ribs
unbreak, crawl back

around my cageless heart. eyelids
weigh like lead in this cruel gravity--

they swell faster than tears. tears
that fail to surge me out of this flooded

shell; they close
like every marble door

that stands straight between my dreams
and I,

           and you-- I await
you, draped in downpours & monsoon

tempests; maybe, this time, our wildest
winds would fade out in their collision.

what does it say about me
that i think hunger
is what angels sound like?
lineless and with great aching.
and what does it say about me
that i feel like i could
just pull my pelvis bone
from my hip
and watch it
crumble in my hands?
i couldn't sleep so i
traced my bones,
i couldn't sleep so i
felt my gums,
(my skins got a great story that
no onell ever read
fitting, i guess -
i've yet to be anything but
wasted potential.)
but,
despite everything,
there is something comforting
about the lie of a body.
something human in me yet.
what do i want the answer to be
when i feel my chest
and wonder where
my ribs came from?
it was an early lesson that
one must give up ribs
to be worthy of love.

is the raging swell upon my ribs?
be it
is the raging swell upon my ribs?
so be it
the dark
navy-blue haze