Let's get some air
Oh, the air is nice
Smiles all around
So beautiful

I feel at peace
The trees nurse me back to reality
And it feels good
And I feel alive

We sit together
In the shelter of our friends
We talk about anything
We talk about everything

You talk, a lot
I listen, a lot
I hear you
I like you

Platonically, of course
I have feelings all the same
But you are beautiful
Your mind is beautiful

I feel calm and excited
All at once
I appreciate the gesture
Thank you for this

Does it rain? Maybe
I'm not paying attention
To what is going on around me
Only attentive to you

The branches dance
Whisper secrets to the night
Sit back and relax
The silence is okay

I'm glad that it's dark
You can't see the smile on my face
I'm enjoying this moment
I'm enjoying your company

It's getting late
Well, early actually
I take you home
We take our time

Gentle goodbyes
I will see you soon
And then we embrace
And I embrace the night

We both walk off
I shake my thoughts off
What a good night this has been
Goodnight, goodnight indeed...

Who would have thought
That we'd end up here?

Well surely no one
Had thought so, my dear.

You are dangerous
A weapon of destruction
A gun

And yet I still wish
To be your bullet
Your only one

You're back...
You have returned and I am relieved.
This family welcomes you with open arms.
I sense the same feelings that I have, within you.
You resent the hugs, the acts of love, and I know that it is for similar reasons.
(But it is in fact nothing serious!)
You offer open arms to me and I accept your embrace, with pleasure.
I missed you.
Sometimes I hate how I can see parts of you in myself, but then I remember what a beautiful person you are and I am okay.
You are a beautiful person and I am okay.
I admire you and I am okay.
*I missed you.

Two burns, left wrist
Two more burns, left hand
Two fading slits, left ankle
Easier to deal with, to understand
These six scars...
They are the only ones that I have
Well, the only ones in your eyes
The only ones that were deliberate
Deliberate necessities
There is one on the right side
Of my nose too
But it was accidental
Nothing more than a childish
Slip of the foot
"Sorry, it was just a slip of the tongue"
I need you
I need more
Two more, in precision
(a double incision)
One on the right
And one on the left
"No cesarean for me, thanks"
No life coming out of this body
No matter how beautiful
I could have made you
I would have kept you safe
I promise
I won't let them hurt you
They'll understand
They have to
They have to
They have to
But that's what I thought before
And yet they still don't
Not today, not quite yet
But they have to
And I've been thinking
And drinking
And smoking
And toking
And I do not know
How far I will go
So cut me open
Take what I don't want
Because I do not want this
Remove my heart
You may as well
While you're in there
It's been aching so badly lately
And this is all that I want right now
They will let me do it
They have to
They have to
They have to
They will...
Won't they?
You can not see teardrops
Amongst raindrops
Can not distinguish between
The peaceful and the pained
And I fall, I fall hard
I crash and you feel me, you do
But rain is a friend
Rain is something that I can trust
Something that I can relate to, rely on
Too quiet to be seen as thunder
Too dull to be seen as lightning
Too transparent to be seen at all
From a distance...
You get used to rain after a while
We are known for our weather
(Rain rain go away)
Let the sun shine
So that I can become a rainbow
Cut me open and pull out my heart
Offer it to that planet's glorious rays
Look up at me
Not down on me
And tell me that I am beautiful
Tell me that I mean something
To you
That I mean anything
Because I am not mean
I mean
I love you
I love you
I love you
I try far too hard
You think that I don't try at all
But it's ******* hard
It's SO ******* hard
And I am trying my best
And I am transgender
I am the she / he / whatever
The it
I do not deserve you
But do I really deserve this?
I know that these are not raindrops
I can taste the salt, slowly rolling
And rolling down
And down my face
My tear-stained face
Please tell me that I am worthy
Please let me do this
Please, please, let me do this...
You have to
YOU HAVE TO
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
Save me
Fish me out of the ditch
Ditch me halfway through
My transition
LET ME TRANSITION
You have to
You have to
You have to
It hurts
It hurts so bad, oh God
And I'm not getting anything in return
So let me pain myself
Until I can breathe again
With a smile on my face
A smile that will not run in the rain
I am running through the rain
Running away from myself
I am falling, as rain falls on me
And I am crying
I'm not alright
I'm not okay
So let me do this
You have to.. You have.. You..
You will...
Won't you..?
Because I'm not alright
And I'm not okay
I am transparent, I am transitioning
I am transgender
Whether you like it
Or not.

Pitter patter of miniature feet
Children are something that I want

I always have
And always will

But my own children aren't necessarily
Something that I can have

They are beautiful
And worthy of life
And as open-minded as I can be
I don't want to **** mine

But I will not have to pay
For surgery nor for drugs
So let me freeze my potentials
Let me remove my shallow caves

I do not need them anymore
Just like you don't need her

Love me love me love me
I am your child

I always have been
And always will be

I love you
So love my kids...
(However they arrive)
Because they will arrive...
And love you too

I dare you to whisk me away
With those electric limbs of yours
Let's go some place
Where we won't be judged

Don't let them seep in
Under the door
Just ignore the invisible creaking
Surely it will stop soon

Do not be frightened
The wailing is not a killer
Not a knife in this hand
Nor a hammer in this head

Do not call me, do not whistle
I am no cat, I am no wolf

Hold your breath
Hang upside-down
Let me scare you, scare yourself
Shall I fetch a mirror?
Or would that prove to be
Just as useless?

Whining in the shadows
Ghost white and blood red
Scratch marks, no bite marks
What were you expecting?

Let me howl
I am no wolf
But you seem to be a moon
You shine so brightly, I swear
You are the cure
That I've been searching for

They warned me about you
Before I left
I never understood their worries...
I blink and you are gone
Back again
Is that your honest soul?
It's so grey
(I can empathise)

Should we still run?
Would you rather soar?
I don't like this idea anymore
You are too frail, too fragile
I will not love you like this
Tomorrow...

Amen...
A word used at the end of prayer
Meaning "we agree"
So why say it in harmony
If you don't even believe?

"I won't pray, but I'll close my eyes and say amen"
No, just close your eyes

Respect us
But don't lie

You can't agree that we are going to Heaven
If you don't believe in Heaven in the first place

"I don't believe in God"
Fair enough

"I don't care if I go to Hell"
But you don't believe in Hell, do you?

"I hate God"
No, no, no, you hate the concept of God, you don't even believe in him!

"I wanna fight Jesus"
Aw, come on, that's just disrespectful...

Regardless of whether or not God is real, he loves, or would love, you...

"Jesus sounds like a good guy..."
**Amen.

I lay you down on the floor
Displayed for all to see
How was I to know that
What you needed wasn't me?

What you needed was closure
And you craved less exposure
To the damage of reality
Yes, then you'd be free

But that was of no avail
To you, at least, my love
Instead you ended up falling
I hope now you'll rise back up

I apologise for everything
That I did and didn't do
I apologise in knowing
That I did this to you

My split surface
Your cracked skin
There's deep confusion
Without, within

Blurry views
Crawling clocks
Helping hands
Splashing rocks

Summer sadness
Sunshine blues
The buzz of drugs
The hum of you

Falling petals
Misty sigh
Unexpectedly happening
Before my eyes

Twirl, my princess
Spin around
Twenty fifteen
A friendship newfound

Gentle kisses
Midnight glow
Not the first
To let me know

Muddy puddles
My grey boundaries
I was out of line
Crossing out memories

My muffled moans
Your dimpled cheeks
Leave park benches lonely
For weeks and weeks

I do not know how to feel,
I do not know how to function,
But at least I no-longer dream,
Of serious self-destruction.

I dream of living anxiety-free,
I dream of compassion, of care,
I dream of being able to breathe,
Without choking on fresh air.

Blue lips
Slow hips
Sway away, darling
I need to relax
But I more-so need
To express myself
To dress myself
With a smile
Fragrance myself
With positivity
Your passion within itself
Is my favourite scent
It is sweet
Like recognition
For who I am
But gentle
Like your touch
Like your art

Blue lips
Beautiful even when hurt
Soft even when bleeding
Swollen with effort
Stolen with a kiss
You touch my soul
With less fragility
You are rough
With your ideas
Your beautiful ideas
Share your ideology
With me, please
Spill your thoughts
Onto more than just paper
Pour yourself
Into my heart
As if you haven't already
Come back soon
I'll be here, waiting

Blue lips*
You must remember
That beauty comes
After pain...
You may go through a lot
But I see only more beauty
Within your bravery
I admire you
I desire you
For you are strong, darling
You are fierce
Pretty, simple, complicated,
Like a silver feather...
You just need to remember
That you will not be blue
Forever.

Do your lips
Match your heart?
They're both red,
But different shades.
Does that mean
That they clash
With one another?
Or are they able
To embrace each other?
To embrace their differences?
Oh, what a wonderful collaboration
Of the soul...

Contradictory feelings...
The buzz is insane.
Squealing with excitement,
Although I feel ill.
You are extraordinary...
I want a closer look
I wish for better luck.
Come here, darling.
You don't have to
Hold your tongue...
I can busy it otherwise,
If you'd prefer.
I know I would.
We are so close
In distance,
But not quite there yet
Emotionally.
If I reached out to you,
Would you take my hand?
Take my hand,
Until you understand...

Anytime you feel lonely
Beckon for me to come into your arms
Catch hold of my hand in the shadows, in the back row
Don't let go.
Every day is a new day
Feeling good
Good feeling
Happy... Almost.
I* don't want you to leave as well
Just stay, please...
Keep your fingers crossed
Love the way that your dark eyes shine so brightly
My heart races in your presence
No good can come from this
Only few understand.
Please hold on for a little longer
Quit with the teasing already
Ridiculous, our circumstances...
Slow down, I want to know more
Tell me your deepest secrets
Under the light of the moon.
Velvet blankets, picnic baskets
What's next?
Xoxo, your biggest fan
You never did understand my jokes
Zzzzzz, goodnight, day dreamer...
Now I know my ABCs,
Next time won't you comfort me?

I'm no good at this...
No good at this at all.
I'm not ready,
I never will be.
I wanted independence,
Not neglect.
I feel really, really alone tonight...
Vulnerability at its finest.
Sweet, sweet pain.
Salty, salty tears.
1 year, 178 days sober.
I congratulate myself.
Last night was great,
In the glow of the moonlight,
To the rush of the waves...
The ocean waved at me...
And she smiled.
What a smile she has.
I need to quit,
I never will quit.
With a sigh,
I disappear into myself.
Who knows when I'll come out?
Who knows when I will be okay?
I better be okay, one day...

I fall down, it's no longer bright
Land in a black hole, without light
Oh wait, it's a brown hole tonight
I am falling into your brown eyes
I hope they're authentic, no disguise
Because you truly are a delight
"Oh hey, you look nice"
**** it, you stole my line
"So do you" I weakly reply
My heart thuds and you smile
You lean in, I feel your teasing bite
My tender lips, more than alright
Feel pure pleasure, without fright
There's only excitement, this time
Spare me the misery, my divine
All of the rules have been defied
It's possible that you liked it
But next time you'll deny it
You'll deny my lips with a sigh
I'll deny your denial, what a crime
Better luck next time.
You tasted of... Vanilla, am I right?
You really know how to kiss a guy
Made it feel like my time to shine
Made me feel like I was liked
Pulled my hair, oh, what a life
Held my hands, pulled me in tight
And then a cheeky kiss goodnight
I had to wait for so long... Why?
I guess we've both always been shy
I guess we've both been far behind
But I guess now we would be fine
To hang out, maybe once or twice
With only us, just you and I
That is, if you wouldn't mind
I mean, it's always worth a try
Until then, vanilla lips,
**Goodbye...

You were losing your ****
Over some stupid homework
("No, not homework, study!
You need to study too!")

You were unaware
That I had been sulking
About a body
Not matching a mind

I was paralysed in my bed
And you were helpfully telling me
All about my laziness
All about my life
Or there lack of

Well, I haven't been motivated
To do much lately
Other than ransack my room
For possible compressors

But in the end
You only wanted
To compress my mind
My "mindset"

You say that you love me
And you believe yourself
But do I?
Oh, of course I do

But I can not tell you
How good it feels
To hear them say my name
And mean it

It rolls off of his tongue
Skips out of her lips
And I feel at peace
I feel at home

Funny how I feel the least at home
With family
But what's a family without love?
Unconditional love?

If you love me
Let me go
I promise that I will return
As long as you let me blossom

You see
You fell in love with a caterpillar
Mistook it for a worm
I'm tired of being so pink
It's time to set me free

Cacoons can not be paused
They're created with a purpose
I'm afraid that this time
The changes are irreversible

Yes, I am going to change
But when that butterfly appears
Before your tear-filled eyes
You must realise
That it's still me

You say that you can't do it
I reply that I know why
I name the reasons that I assume
But you tell me something new

My heart shifts

Do you mean to say
That you're not going to try
Simply because it'd  be too hard?
Is that the only reason why?

Do you understand
How upset I can get?
How much I can cry?
"And it's hard for me to admit that,
As a man"

But I can cry

And maybe I wouldn't have to
Maybe I wouldn't quite so much
If you would just try

It's funny how you can be
So ******* heartless
So ******* dismissive
So ******* selfish

Without even trying
If you only knew
Why I was crying
When you said you love me

Maybe you don't know me

Maybe you love your daughter
Maybe you're losing her
Maybe you should just try
A little ******* harder
Next time.

Reality hits me
And it ******* kills me
No, please don't say
That you understand

The physical pain
Is sickening, oh
Why can't I be seen
For what I really am?

Well, the thing is
That I actually commit
To the harmless ****
That I care about

Unlike the others
That don't seem to care
They quit, cancel, flit
I can't help but think that it's unfair

Don't you miss me
Don't you notice my absence
Don't you care
That I'm not there?

I hate the crowds
They misconceive how
I express myself
When I'm just the same as everyone else

Or am I?
Who the **** cares?
Let me be who I want to be
Let me do something satisfactory

No, you don't understand
I'm sorry but it's true
You can't sympathise with me
When you don't have a clue...

I go out, for once.
You appear before me and reach instantly for my beloved treasure chest, but I am uncomfortable. No means no tonight, as does it every other night.
You do not step back.
Only the chairs' arms are willing to support me, so my own small hand reaches for your twelve o'clock and now it is you who must flee.
The candles' tongues lick you on your way out.
Explicit.
Are you happy now? Where's your horse and carriage babe?
By the way, you dropped your ******* shoe.
Goodnight.

I am but a few brittle bones
With a not-so-respectable amount of flesh
You have slowly become my skin
Clinging to this lost body
No sense of direction
No sense of emotion
Consuming me
Consume me
And now I cry through my teeth
As I lie from my eyes
All the while
Hiding behind
And beneath
You
Intimidation in a situation
Intimacy in simplicity
Cover me
No longer smother me
A moment's fresh air
Crisp as your gaze
Please
Do no more harm
To these legs
To these arms
I've got a blue thumb
Botanist of disappointment
I gather crops
As my mood drops
But if my fingers could speak to you
If my lips could reach out and touch you
I wonder if they'd be as gentle
As my words and movements are now
Because my friends help me get by
And you
You make me feel as though my life
Is all one constant high
But there is nothing poetic
About the way that you
Dismiss my feelings
Yet don't dismiss yourself
You are a joke
Never straying afar
From your obsession
Oppression
Or was it my depression?
We come to the end of yet another session
But I will see you before next week
**Oh how weak you are

But darling,
He feels lust and calls it love
Plants a tree and calls it an orchard
Breaks a heart and calls it art
Swears that he will stay
and calls it the truth...
When he leaves you,
Tsunamis of tears will crash over your body
Simultaneously streaming from your soul
in waves even greater than his ego...
He could never have truly loved you, darling...
*Not in the way that I do.