Crippling self doubt
plagues my existence.
Injecting itself into my blood stream;
immobilizing my muscles
numbing my tongue
and muting my voice box.

It quenches its thirst
by tearing my self image
limb from limb and
ploughing my insides
till there is nothing left.

It either bombards like
gunfire inside my head
firing flaws into questions
or drain each cell's confidence
leaving the muscles to shiver and shudder
and words hesitant to leave my tongue.

My flesh that houses doubt
is familiar with every capillary of my insecurity;
Whispering my shortcomings
and scrutinizing the details that make me, me.

It is a constant fight, invisible to the eyes.
Internal;
it's all in my head.

My heart was falling
But you were not there to catch.
For what I felt were
Heartaches instead of butterflies
Cries instead of a smile
All pain and suffering;
that is what unrequited love had.

Every fiber of cell yearned
Every nerve created sensation
Couldn't you feel the connection?

Blue is its tune
with no reciprocation.
A love so lonely
Everything so one sided
and oblivious to you.

Detached;
My strings have detached
Like the vowels and constants I speak detached.
I watch the world
Through eyes not of mine
And live in a body
Living a life that doesn’t feel mine.
My chest feels empty
And my tone sounds vacant.
I am floating
Further from conscious
With no one to ground me
Everything seems not to be mine
To feel to touch
No matter how much I try.
For it merely feels like mist
Through which I pass my hand through.

When I write
I let myself taste the expanding darkness
deflating my cells of its vibrancy.
I let myself be touched by those crawling hands embedded in my bones.
I hear my oozing heart’s echoing angst.
And watch as my thoughts turn bitter
and my shoulder starting to weigh me down
As the memories start to climb up my spine.

Now that I’ve written
How do I close those doors once more?

Unfortunately you are not for everyone. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone will love you regardless of what you do and how nice of a person you are. Not everyone will vibe with your energy and not everyone will understand and support you.

Even though it is a bitter pill to swallow at times don't let it make a turmoil of your emotion and deplete your energy. Because your time and energy is so much more precious than exhausting yourself by shapeshifting to pander to the whims of others, moulding yourself to fit in every where and hence retaining no shape to call your own.

Choose not to sacrifice your uniqueness to succumb buttering up their bread. To Be selective with your energy by politely waving them goodbye to stand by your values and lifestyles that most deeply resonate with you. Choose to take social risks regardless of the awkward glances and haughty whispers. Choose to not care of what others think to the point it stifles your ability to take risks and disrupt your social satisfaction.

For there is nothing more liberating than to not waste your life allowing the faultfinders to dictate your actions. To seek to align your actions with your heart. To stand up for something, to do and believe what brings  content regardless of it being disliked. It is beautifully candor being your authentic self.

In the midst of escaping
I no longer knew who I was.

I am losing myself
Everything is
crumbling
shattering
snd scattering.

Masks are coming off
Truth is coming to light.
Fake ones start to claim their identity
and people are leaving,
the ones I thought wouldn’t leave.

The light escapes me
and dull colors swift past me.

I have lost my care
I have lost my love
Lost my innocence
And lost my guilt.
Everything that made me, me
Is now gone.

So tell me,
is it me who you’re looking for?
Because that girl is breathing no more.

Oh my dear bumble bee
She said as she caressed
her soft honey colored hair.

Stay humble
through your flight so high.
Emerge with a special glee
Of bustling-buzzing excitement.

Let your golden stripped wings
Carry you to scope lands for enchantment.
To collect those dusty pollen
and transfigure them to honey
for you and others.

A honey comb of a heart
Resides in you my dear
So allow the honey to drip from your tongue.

And when science tries to prove
With their theories and mathematical proportions
that you can not fly high
Let them taste the sweetness
Of your hustle
and the sight of your flight.

You notice the
bruises of many hues
painted across the ****** canvas
reflecting through the shade of mood.

You ask what happened?
But this question
would require me to break open the surface;
permeate my skin
for you to dissect,
explore the source
analyse and
do the autopsy of my past.

But I am not ready to show you
more than the bleed
that is close to the surface
threatening to break.

Ferocity has burnt away,
all what remains are embers
fading and diffusing 
wth sorrow cascading 
down my cheek.

You met my concern with ignorance
and walked away in silence,
leaving me to lament over the coming days 
as I plunge into the dark abyss
unexplained.

Your leave,
****** the warmth
leaving me to gaze upon the horizons of loneliness
and the stars that now grow cold.

The night bleeds into morning, 
The sun dissolves the moon.
As I ache at the page in front of me
and at the vulnerability I showed you.

Every morning,
it takes a monumental effort to peel off myself from the bed
fighting gravity to sit up
as I become the ghost 
of different thoughts that run through me.

Hope is still ruffling its feather
and the bond remains stagnant, 
But I am too tired to stay,
too broken to cry.

So I pinch my fingers 
on something beautiful within
a star dripping with black infinity;
a hope to care for myself
to healing and to move on.

I don't understand
why are we concealing our heaviness
our heartaches
our blues
behind laughter.
Packaging them as humor
and art with a ribbon on top
when it's dark raw and pain
I don't understand
why we aren't talking about it.
Because it is just becoming worse
for you, I everyone.

These thoughts have no voice
As they rot in my mind
poisoning my body
as they flow through my veins.
But they are safer here
than in the hands of others.

These words written
are more understood and accepted
than the ones, I wear and speak.
My thoughts are tucked
safely in these words
than the ones I disclose to people.
My pen never
leaves
decieves
hurt
hide
and judge
like people do.
It just pours ink for me to craft
and offers paper for me to be listened.

People are here.
I reach out deep within
to the place of various hue and vibrancy
to paint it in the air and on me
but that place is empty.

The crescent moon has been sighted
Lantern of hope has been ignited.
Doors of mercy have been opened
And the devils have been chained.

It is the month,
Where clusters of sin await repentance
And good deeds worth are multiplied.

The month
In which we abstain from food
From dawn till dusk;
Empty stomachs
But tongue heavy from thikr.

A month
Enlightened with Allah's vast mercy
And extreme prosperity,
Tasting rewards
And bathing in immense blessing.

So choose to
Break mouldy habits
Reform the fabrics.
Reboot your entity
And Recharge your faith.

Choose to strengthen the backbone of your lives;
The pillars of Islam.
Recite the book that has been bonded with threads of faith
and encrusted with pristine words of Allah.

Choose to unshackle yourself
from the blackening shackles;
Untangle from messy mirage of the world
entwined with your wrist
And braid it into ladders to heaven.

Choose to join congregation at prayers
To pray to Allah seeking his affinity
Asking for forgiveness and pray for agility.

Choose to handle tough times with sincerity
And dig faith in one another.
For strength and forgiveness
can be found under his love
And this can be the month
That can bring you a step closer to Allah.

To the person
whose fierce loyalty
brings comfort.

Whose embracing hug
turns my hurricanes
into a whiff of wind.

The person who's my emotional crutch
on the struggling of days.
And the life vest
when I am drowning in pain.

To the person whose vibrant of all hues,
the bliss in my blues.
The shelter from torrential rain
And escape from my aching pain.

The listener
of my stirring experiences
and muddled-darkened thoughts.

The one
Who's ear is made of patient-empathetic cells
And words of underlying calmness
that seeps deep into the depth of my bones
and soothes my soul.

With you
Best moments are
Exponentially happier;
Much more vivid and illuminated
Worst times made bearable
And Infinitely less nerve-wracking.

You are my go-to
at any point of day.
The Christina to my Meredith
And the star of my Starbucks visits.

I am grateful to be
deeply embedded in your heart
as you are in mine.
To be your sanctuary
As I am yours.

Mother,
The epitome of love.

A star made of combustion
Of crimson and wild blue.
Her smile like a cresent
shining bright
from an afar Galaxy.

Mother,
Vibrant as sun rays,
And soft like the moonlight.
Tremendous as lightning,
enlightning the dark sky
with a spark.

Mother,
The paintbrush
that paints vibrancy
on the dullest of days.

Mother,
A soul that burns with ferocity,
Whos hands are always busy
scrubbing, moulding, cooking
But her touch always caressing with love.

Mother,
Who's voice can be the ocean
Calming and soothing
Or as loud as the seas
Roaring and crashing in a storm
bursting away personal confinement.

But she rows
Even through the sea of troubles.
Nothing is too heavy
She marches on.

Mother,
Who sacrifices and compromises
To deepen skies
and hand stars to hold.

Mother,
Who's love I cannot comprehend and stomach
For she grows flowers from pain,
Inhaling O2
And Exhaling O3
Transfiguring weeds into garden for us to play.

She is the incarnation of love.

Mental illness is rising
Psychologists' career are blooming
Social media is redefining
Making it a beautiful suffering

Sadness has become boring
Misery has become enchanting
Scar has become beauty
Grief has become engaging
Depression has become alluring

Emotions have become art
Heartbreak has become a heart-wrenching song
Pain has become poetry
and mental illness has become a edgy-trending label.

When did they start to disguise agony behind such beauty?

Her demons wiped away her fear
They made her fall in love with them
and dance with them
For they were the only comfort
when she was alone

Lazy she may seem
But how does she explain she is hurting
She is wounded
Bruised
Energyless to do even the simplest of tasks
For she wants to be alone in her own world,
shut the world out
and write

For her mind whispers
to her soul to end
itself.

For a smile
is masked on her face
Concealing the grief
that is pouring out of her.

For you shone out of nowhere
In the everlasting depths of darkness
Reached out
and stealthily pulled me to the light

My emotions changing
ever so swiftly
with the every pump of the heart

My eyes blinded with such brightness and joy
For I wonder was it because of you
or the world now I saw?

But then you left
For there were many who walked in this world
Even when alone
I thanked you for showing me another world
Feel the ever depths of happiness
And the light which lit my skin
But solitude in the world of happiness was not my place

Then came my old friend
Darkness that lured me back in
'Welcome back'
for it wrapped me in its comfort
And said 'here you are to stay'

Oh, how my heart aches when you say that. To know someone else had engraved their name when your name was all over mine. But the name feels nothing more than wounds and scars. For I am not your person or your first. I was merely a single line when you were my complete book. I was a single lyric when you were my entire song. I was a drop of water when you were my entire ocean. I was a star when you were my entire galaxy. You were the moon spilling light over my thoughts and breaking through the dark days when I was merely the darkness. You were the sun in my life, offering warmth and clearing the night sky when I was merely the blue sky. My heart aches and breaks and bleeds and I can not tell you how much it hurts. For I am speechless as the tears scrape my cheek and leave me gasping to breathe. I am grasping nothing but smoke. For the memories are rewinding and altering as my heart bleeds through the fracture that was plastered with your love. You were an ordinary mundane who revolutionalized my world, loved me into loving myself. You were the person who’s arms I found comfort in, where my skin felt comfortable in. My soul felt like it was home when I looked into your eyes. But sadly, the house in your heart was an illusion. For my love could seep not deeper into your heart but remained on the shore of your mind.

“A cycle that cannot be broken by itself, but by love” he said as he painted flowers on top of the countries masked in blood. “Choosing forgiveness instead of revenge. Meeting grimace with a smile. A pattern passed from generation to generation, a chain that can be broken when anger is met with contempt, cruelty with kindness, bitterness with sweetness. For love is the healer and love is the weapon.”

“For once I want you to think about me” she said weepingly, almost like an urge, a plea. Her skin glistered where the tears touched her skin. “For once I want you to care about me” every word manifesting more emotion than the one before. “I want you to think about me while I talk to you. I want your undivided attention. I want your wholehearted love. Please, just for once, just for a while I need you completely to me.“

Being with you
Blurs boundaries
Withers innocence
Suppresses guilt
Rages darkness
Till wrong does not seem wrong no more

I was your fuel
You were my drain
I was your blessing
You were my lesson
I was your cure
You were my disease
I was saving you
You were killing me

- I was calming your soul, you were stirring mine

You labeled the poison
as love
making me believe
this is love  
I hope you cared
enough to tell me
to put on a breathing mask

Toxic love spilling
Aroma of fumes diffusing
Vision blurring
Combusting heart beating
Manipulated brain thinking
Cancerous wounds multiplying
Contagious words infecting
Every lasting stain remaining
Fading clarity in this reality
A crumbling position, grabbing irregularity
Pure toxic entanglement
Slowly dying
There is no denying
For it is a cunning grotesque addiction

“No, You don’t know me” she said wiping the grin off his face. “You can’t say I am a nice person when you don’t know me. You don’t know about how I find darkness alluring. You don’t know of all the terrible things I’ve thought of to hurt people. You don’t know of my intentions or the moments I am manipulative, cold-hearted *****. I am not saying I am fake either; I am soft, kind hearted person who does care. But you don’t know of the darkness that exists within me. The darkness that I find so alluring that it drives me into doing insane hurtful things to myself and the people around me.” He stood still, not even flinching a muscle. “You scare me because of your positivity, hopes and dreams. They are are so fragile, bright and innocent that I am scared to break them. I am scared to drown you in depths of negativity and darkness. I am allured to the darkness in people because it’s darkness enwrapping darkness; comforting and understanding. With you, I feel the need to enclose the darkness within myself because I fear what it might do to you. I am a terrible person at times and you don’t want to be near me during those days because I will not give a **** about anyone and I will end up hurting you. So no I am not a nice person, I wish I was.”

She wrote his name on the seashore, along with what she never told. Taking a step back, she let the turbulent waves crash upon the shoreline and wipe away it all away. She let the words be taken back by the retrieving waves, letting them be lost in the sea. Inhaling the cold air that made every cell of her shiver she hoped one day the words will be whispered by the breeze from the sea.

“Don’t let my name be the lyric to their cacophony of laughter. Don’t let me be the ridicule that your friends crack upon. I don’t want them to sip on our memories turning them into a hip story. So don’t give me away to their tongues that let my name slip ever so flippantly. Seal me in your heart where I would be untouched. Embed those memories in your mind as though they were sacred. Let my name be unknown and our stories untold. Let us be concealed for we are much more than the pleasantry gossip of their conversation” she said softly as she put down the phone.

Passions, pleasure now feel like a chore,
making my life a bore
and my mind sore.
Tick, tock
Time is valuable
panic rises,
for there is a mental rigid routine to abide by.
But now my soul wears a dress,
which is stress.
Watching shows, self care and reading books
which once upon a time used to be relaxation,
have now become a cross off a to do list.
Losing interest in my mundane life,
I find my breath meaningless,
waking up pointless and have  
life just drag my corpse with time.
There are mountains;
burdening my mind and scraping my heart.
A soul of a robot is what I have,
except that I have a voice that complains
and ears that hear commands,
creating havoc on my mood and mind.
All what I loved, became
‘have to’ and ‘should do’,
a daunting tasks
requiring more effort than it did before.
Life seem drudgery and draining to wake up to.

But It was all about approach and perception.
Digging deeper with why,
I found reasons and meaning behind my life.
It was about relishing in the process,
rather than completing them.
In the errands for others; I searched for joy of my own.
Unleashing creativity in daily mundane activities,
it did not seem robotic no more.
Rediscovering happiness and enthusiasm,
making it interesting by sharing and snapping,
I set lose from the chains of my routine by reinvigorating spontaneity.
For what felt like burden, wasn’t meant to be felt like a burden.

Inhale,
love, compassion and kindness.
Inhale,
care, positivity and happiness.
Your soul needs it’s replenishment,
before you exhale it out as others encouragement.
So sow and grow fields of flowers,
flourish, bloom and bathe in the sunlights nourishment.
Then give, give and give.
For what we give,
enriches us as well, from day to day.

“The world is hurting” she said as she turned the globe around it’s axis, softly touching the dented countries in bloodshed. “Anguished souls, anguishing; bullied, bullying ;victims, victimizing; deceived, deceiving. Hurt people, hurting people. A tradition passed from generation to generation, raging violence and fueling feuds. Spreading disparity and singing the melancholy anthem. Scarring and withering the beauty of innocence in this world from a young age. A war of violence that seems to sear subtly and evidently in every corner of the world.  It’s a cycle that never seem to revolutionize for the better, but revolve - never transpiring.”

“I keep expecting people to care. To worry about me. To pull me back when I push them away. To be my umbrella on the rainy days. To try harder, ask and reach out. But when they don’t, it breaks my heart. I know it sounds irrational, but I feel disappointed. And once I’ve healed from the experience, I go back to hoping once more. It’s like I never learn my lesson.” Each word reeked of despair and regrets as they slipped off my tongue.
“Yeah, I understand you. I do the same.” She said in the most reassuring of ways with her hand holding mine. Her ocean blue eyes were comfortingly soft and deep with wisdom. “The only thing that really has been getting me through is trusting myself enough to care when someone doesn’t do the same. To catch myself when someone else doesn’t.”

“I’ll get over you”
I whisper to myself through the nights
memories haunt me
and your voice that taunts me.

But there are tears on my pillow,
tears on the ground.

My tears flow like the ocean,
dripping in slow motion,
scraping my skin
and bringing me down to my knees.

I find myself turning into a storm,
howling like the wind.
Clutching my heart
as though it was ripped apart.

I am unable to escape from the pain and ache
The constant search for your face
in the passing cars and soaring clouds.

My breath is stolen and gut twisted
at the sight of someone similar to you,
face turning to the side your name is called.

When will these feelings end?
When will I escape
from the shadow
that lurks in my mind and heart?

The loss that ran deep,
breaks open through resonating heartbreaking songs.

But I know the pain will wash out
and you will leave me
like a distant memory.

I’ll pick myself up
and won’t be feeling blue.
I know I’ll find love again
if I start loving myself.

I am not feeling okay
The thoughts that were at bay
Are starting to weigh
Heavy on my mind
Heavy on my heart.

My thoughts start to sway
Guiding me astray
With its
overplay
and overstay.

Pieces of me
Start to fall away
Fade away
Further away.

I am starting to breakaway;
Flay away.

My mind frays
As my thoughts start to play,
my hands start to pray
And my words start to blow away
the people I hold so dear.

I will defray
Soon
But for now I am going to splay
my ache into words.

I basked in the light
Of the present moments sight
But all of a sudden
Your words triggered a bitter memory
And now I want to visit an infirmary.

But oh wait this can’t be bandaged to heal
For it is a resurface from a wreckage.
It crawls from the breakage
With a clinging message
that causes landslides
and scrapes my insides.

My thoughts collide
as my emotions become tide.
My lips become sealed
As I no longer want to speak.

But then I’ll lose my mystique
And become invisible;
Vincible
In the hands of my shadowy past.

What kind of exhaustion is this?
The one that lingers under the creases of your eyes
Heavying body-cells to your bed
And yet being unable to slip into sleep.

A web of thoughts in my mind
Coursing emotions in my veins;
Leave me indecisive about the action to take.

I try to find a balance
only to discover myself in a tug of war
between the impulsive-fragile heart
and logical brain.

Doubt, chaos and fear
Overpower certitude, tranquility and confidence
Leaving me feeling ambivalent
about my thoughts and emotions
that overplay and overstay.

Because
If I don't act in accordance to my mind,
I face consequences.
If I don't abide by my heart,
I remorse.
If proven wrong,
I criticize myself.

She unrolled the blueprints
that she had designed.
Building from the wreck that was left behind.

She salvaged the rubble and ruins
and cement of broken promises
granulating and churning it to nothing more than sand;
allowing it to form the foundation of her own future.

She raised one naked agony brick after the other,
cementing it with love and care.

Planting seeds of melancholy,
she watered them with her tears
and watched as the sun's warmth let them bloom
and the moon that let them rest.

She weaved curtains
and plastered the ruins.

She became the gardener,
the architect
and the nurse
of her own self and life.

- Beautiful Sensitive Soul

A visitor,
not a resident
once again.

You walk in and out
as though it was a revolving door.
You visit me as though I am a sovoneour shop,
just to see how much one would miss you.

My heart has become exhausted of
the constant switch between the void and the presence.

For you make a vacation out of me,
when I ought to be a sanctuary.
You turn me into a hotel room,
when I ought to be home.

My name was not the one that was to be traced on sand and washed away by the waves
but the one you would engrave with ink on your skin.

I am oxygen
I am water
Not momentary
or unncessary
like the label of the presence of expiry you labeled me with
Or your temporary devotion.

I don't know what it is to
live a balanced life.
For I tear at the seams,
and live in extremes.

When happiness embraces me,
I do not smile
But become the sun;
that glows, shine and gleams.

When sadness enwraps me
I don't drizzle, I rain
I become the hurricane of blue,
the abyss of the starless sky;
I become the void.

When anger smolders me;
I don't yell, I burn out my sanity
I become the boiling blood
and the explosion of heat.

When loss deprives me
I do not grieve, I do not tarnish
I break, shatter and tear
I become the heart that does not beat but bleeds.
I become the wailing wind that breezes through the cypress trees.

I am either cold like Vinson Massif
or soft like a marshmallow
For I am the one who experiences no in between.

Verbalizing out her interests
attracted opportunities.

She planned to play with every insecurity,
learning, growing and blooming
with every opening.

She just had to take a chance
for the possibility.
Event hough she was dubious and stuttering.

But soon there would be rhythm and fluency
and there she would find unity in
a community.

I watched her muscle pace with confidence,
her brain slip her tongue
and her skin glow.

She was much more pretty
intelligent
stronger, smarter
better in any way I was.

In her presence,
my flaws started to pile
Insecurities started to rile
fear started to snare
and jealousy started to flare
as self-doubt enwrapped me in its flames.

But my dear,
there was no good in tearing her down.
For prying on her weakness,
was not going to paint you into completeness.
Picking out her flaws,
wasn't going to bring about any applause.
Spreading rumors about her,
wasn't going to make you any popular.
Labeling her with names,
wasn't going to bring peace to your flames.

No, my dear
the answer lied
in your flesh
your tongue
your story
your lines
your curves
your passions.
The answer lied in the very acceptance of yourself.

For that's when you will find intimidation
to be wiped with inspiration.
That's when you'll realize your rivals were never your rivals
but your allies, tribe, and companions.

So compliment,
encourage,
nurture,
love
and support yourself
and the woman around you.

Enflame hearts of others,
build one another
embrace them with understanding
and enchant their soul with compassion.

Unshackle yourself and unshackle them.
Learn from them,
applaud them,
bring out the best in them
and surround yourself with women who do the same.

Because my dear,
this is the time you'll realize how blessed you are to be surrounded by such strong, resilient and inspiring woman
who help you move forward.

You were made of words;
A description brought to life
A creation of my imagination
Someone who can be mine.

your wordy essence clinged to my skin
and aura spread through my nerves
making ever cell fall in love.

It was the type of love that ran deeper than skin
and deeper than for the people I knew that exist.

The soft and delicate kindness
shining so bright in the darkness
as though it was the moonlight
calming all the sadness.

Kindness,
seeping through smiles
traveling miles,
as though it were the moonlight.

Kindness,
the one mistaken as weakness
when it is actually the fiery courage,
that wraps one soul like a blanket.

Kindness,
the reflection of the magnanimity of ones soul
and compassion in their action.

- Beautiful Sensitive Soul

I love, when you unzip the layers of your personas,
letting me peek behind the mask
Revealing your raw edges
allowing me to be your haven from the world of facade.

I love, when you strip down your heart, 
unfold your thoughts, 
share your inner struggles
and pour your secrets into my ear
allowing me to be your sanctuary.

I love, when you lean your head on my shoulder
let my hands hold yours
and you let your tears flow
allowing me to be your solace.

I love, when you’re vulnerable and raw with me
making me one of the very few of those
who knows the darkest and brightest part of your mind,
and who are deeply embedded in your heart.