when I first heard your voice,
I never had the idea
that it would still echo until today.
when I found myself
staring at the rotary dial,
I never had the idea
that I would be waiting for your call.
when I came for you,
you did not look at me
the way you used to.
and then I reckon,
when I questioned,
"what do you see in me?"
and with a smile on your face,
"your eyes are galaxies I lost myself in."
and then it came to my mind,
how you woke the side of me
that I have buried deep
I'm suffocating. This school we are in together has too many memories. As I walk the halls with my head down staring at the rectangular tiles, I can picture ghost like images of us walking hand in hand laughing about stupid things. I can still hear your voice and your laugh through my deafening music. Like a song only I can hear. Some days it's a gift, others it's a curse. I go for lunch and there is now several ghost like versions of ourselves, hand in hand or kissing. One pair is at 7/11. Me sitting on top of the grey cage that holds the propane tanks, with your head between my legs as I fix your curls because they are always in dire need of fluffing. Another pair is at Mc Donald's. We are stoned. You eat hamburgers while I watch mesmerized by your beauty and your smile and how you get nervous if I continue to look at you. The pair that makes me sad the most is the one in the woods. Our spot. Where we would go to get away from people. I remember saying how much I love this spot because it felt like twilight when the sun shown through the leaves. Me and you on the track walking together for a whole period. Us kissing on the bleachers. All the times we went to the store and wandered because we didn't want to go to class and I could never decide what I wanted to eat. Going to the dollar store and putting on hats and Halloween costumes then play battling with swords. I am haunted by my memories but I need to make more with you. These memories only hurt because I'm terrified I'll never get you back and that thought alone makes
me not hungry and anxious to the point my chest starts tightening and I have to think of something else quick.
I feel like drunk today
Drunk in your love
Drunk in betrayal
Drunk in the sweet poison of friendship
Drunk in the insecurities of being alone
Drunk in the want to cutoff everyone
Drunk in the memories of past
Drunk in the yearn to get you
And the hangover is going to last forever..!!!!
Awaiting the delicate twilight
For days and weeks and months
In the brightest of daylights
In grey eyes and dusty wounds
It is only the noon
At the top of corrupted lungs
I howl for the shimmering moon
For stars to twinkle out of their cocoons
Wishing for the soft pale moonlight
To glister upon the shards of barren land
Sheathed within my opened skin
Oh how much I've longed
For the essence of your luminescence
To press against this distressed porcelain,
To be swathed in your moonshine,
For this affliction to go in decline.
All of a sudden,
The moon crosses the threshold
Dusk engulfs the illuminated sky
The mesmerizing lunar effulgence sets in
Soaked in star dust,
The love and lust
My skin flourishes in joy
As the primroses and orchids grow within,
Akins to the immortal grin.
Oh I'm swallowed under the tides
Of adoring him.
A path long defined it was
Two celestial beings only convened
Never anything that was bound to breed
Nothing that desire could defy
The sky is harsher crescents
Bleeding skin and weeping heart
He sinks into the horizon
The sun once again
Stains the abandoned terrain
Our time was never
Only a love affair in the high noon
Beneath mortal shadows the celestials cast
The apocalypse of my heart
Was our impended eclipse
"Aren't you tired of feeling the pain again and again.
Looking for the lost pieces,
You know lost things never find their way back, right?
Don't you feel worn out of stretched skin and aching muscles.
You know its making you look pale and fragile, right?
Aren't you fed up of looking for long lost happiness.
You know its not coming back, right?
Don't you feel sick of being desperate for just warmth and love.
You know they don't exist, right?"
"You need to do something other than getting hurt all the time."
"I know, I know.
i could tell you i'm devastated
i could tell you i scream in pain,
as i fall asleep as night
but what would i really gain?
i could tell you i physically ache.
i could tell you i'll never love no one else
but at the end of the night,
i'm saying all these things to just myself
I don't know how to feel
It seems this isn't real
Our love so deep for years
Ended with bruises and tears
Now you're gone and dead
Relieving my feelings of dread
No more reasons to be afraid
No more asking me to get laid
No calls in the middle of night
No more arguing and fights
It's hard to be so sad
When what's gone is the bad
Yet, my love was deep
Your future I wanted to peep
Improvements I noticed were made
Can't make progress from the grave
So now I sit here bemused
Devastated. Relieved. Confused.
Difficult and vile, the enraged gruesome winds knock me down
INSECURITIES I fucking HATE, laughing deep inside my aching beating brain.
FORGET that I love you, I can't stand my jealous side
ACHES AND PAINS so help my sleepless nights
I'M no different than the subhuman scum that NEEDS you, I NEED you
I have you, I HAVE you
GIVE me my security I AM ENTITLED SCUM
WHY, WHY must I victimize myself, I LOVE YOU
DISTASTEFUL TEARS BECOME A STREAM DOWN MY FACE POLLUTING MY SKIN TURNING THE DEEPEST PIT OF MY MIND INTO A FOUL DESPAIR
FOUL, I FEEL FOUL
i'm at this point where
i need something bad to happen
so that i can talk to someone
because there is no
apparent reason for me
to feel the way i do right now
so i can't talk to anyone about it
i can't tell how devastated i am
or how much i'm hurting
it feels like something is eating me up from the inside
and it hurts more than ever
but nothing happened
so i'm just gonna sit here
in the dark biting my tongue
hoping that someone will come
hold my hand and tell me that it is okay