Everytime I make plans with you
My gut clenches up
Like a fist ready to go
But I know
Already I know

I know that I'll kiss you
After buying and sharing your food
After hugging and talking
Like good old friends do

I know that I'll miss you
After kissing and setting the mood
After wishing and wanting
Like long lost lovers do

So everytime I make plans with you
My gut clenches up
But there is no fist ready to go
Just butterflies squirming
Because I already know

Is it wrong of me
To stare at my grandpa as he falls asleep
Eternally
And feel absolutely nothing
Except annoyance
At the reaction of my family
The messy tears that are rolling
I wonder why they cared so deeply
As if the world will end
With the exhalation of his last breathe
Knowing
That is not the case at all
The world will end
When we breathe our last
Individually
So I stare at my grandpa
Wondering if it is wrong of me
To feel better knowing
That it is not mine,
But his world ending

im honestly terrified of liking you again
holding hands and talking in bed
id rather i just remain more than a friend
i dont want to know your weaknesses
your favorite food and candies
or the reason youre upset at your family
i just want to know your cologne
and eliminate the feeling of being alone

i downed half the bottle
and out my words came
full throttle

i apologise

i gave you almost everything i could
but for you almost was not enough
i hope you loved what you had while it was good
because no one will ever be me and i hope that truth is tough

no one will give you the goosebumps i did when i brushed my fingertips up your spine
no one will give you every ounce of their undivided attention and time
no one will trust you with everything and never lie
no one will hold your head on their chest while you cry

no one will give you everything you didn't deserve
you will always remain the way you were
never changing and always waiting for things that aren't yours
i hope you like being hers

because you will never again be mine
our paths will never cross and our stars will never align

and you will never be treated like the king that you are not
but i will always remain his queen while I remain in your train of thought

I've always had a way with words
my tongue lets lies slide off
like ice cream drips onto the floor
causing distress
I notice it more
when I talk to my mother
her ignorance astounds me
like magic to a child
not understanding

i just realized that tonight might be my last
to spend in bed with my obese cat
purring under my arm
because now im an adult
and my life will move on
no more crying too
or talking and cuddling
and holding in front of a mirror
so she can see her reflection
no more petting or kissing
or waiting to scoop up when i come home
because now im an adult
and my life has to move on
and im moving out
a kiss on my finger
one last cuddle by my face
as she walks on my keyboard
as i type  this
accidentally hitting space
the saddest of goodbyes
that i'll ever have to face

whenever I say it
your name feels
like what I imagine
the drop of water would taste like
to the rich man in hell asking Abraham
to just dip his tongue in
to ease the burning

I thought I deleted you
Actually that's not true
It's been 6 years now
That I've been messing with you
When will one of us get another
To take the place as a lover
Because we aren't in love
We just kiss each other

Walking and the air is cold
Feeling young
Conversation is old
Eyes following lips
No talk of a kiss
Just you and me
And history

What can I say besides
I'm sorry
I don't look like the other girls
The ones you assure me
Don't compare at all
To my own beauty
The beauty I fail to see
What can I say besides
I'm sorry
My self esteem won't let me believe
I know it's unattractive
My never ending negativity
You say you love me
But I don't see what you see
I wish I was more for you
More for me
And I could say I love you
Back to my own body

It circles around me,
it nuzzles its face next to mine,
shouting, "Don't be afraid!
It will work out in time!"
"But what if it doesn't?"
asks the doubting voice in my mind.
"Well than it will be a lesson to learn,
that patience and hard work
don't always earn you what you deserve."

He would let me break every bone in his body
Just for me to let him love me

But then I'd break his heart

I feel like I am never good enough.
or is it that everyone else expects too much?
I am not perfect.
I am flawed like they are,
and I accept that they are ignorant
of their rude and judgemental ways,
because I am assuming that deep down,
they might feel the same.

Oh what I would pay
For a flashback video of every happy day
Before it all went away

you should send your love elsewhere
the person you love does not care

I sleep over
I talk to his mom
I've met his dad
I'm too far gone
He holds me
Even in stress
Plants kisses
On my head
I hold his hand
Take care of him
When he can't stand
Jack too strong
Something's wrong
I like him
But I lost my voice
I can't say it
It's not my choice

windows down
twenty over
rain pouring in
back seats are covered
world is ours
time to takeover
no more fear
happiness rediscovered

is what I have
What some people wish
They can or they may
They have or they want back
In their lives
They don't want to see it
From others eyes
They want it in their world
For love to be in their mind
The pure loneliness that they
Have in their hearts is hate over time
They try to force it into loving hearts
But not into mine

I sat unbuckled sipping my drink looking at him
Taking in his features as the street lights go dim

His floppy blonde hair and straight white teeth
I liked what I saw, but I want what's underneath

The thoughtful comment about having a good night
A random call because I'm crossing his mind

In reality it will be over soon because school will end
We will move away and on to a new more-than-friend

I'll get a job and he will chase a dream
The only time I'll see him is when I daydream

I'll call once in a while to hear his voice
Making time to hangout won't be my choice

He will be busy with new people and video games
I'll be distracted working learning my clients names

It hasn't yet ended, but I feel the shadow of fate above
I don't want to like him, let alone start to love

Yet, I know the latter will happen only from afar
When I'm old and famous I'll write of him in my memoir

Once my kids are asking me for stories about boys
I'll slip into memories and their voices will become white noise

Thinking back to the night I sat and stared at him
All while knowing I was drowning trying to swim

As I sat unbuckled sipping my drink
I wished I had sipped enough not to think

I wish my tongue was not a dagger
I wish my brain was not a sword
If only I could keep my tongue and mind from clashing
If only they would say the same words

I remember standing at the end of the bed
Feeling safe and sound
Not a noise in the house
You pulled me in to your arms
We stood there still but strong
How did everything go so wrong

Sing your favorite song to me again
Let your voice glide through the air
Hold my hands and sing to me
This is all too much to bear

What is happiness?
Oh,
It is merely the name of an old friend...

But,

What is sadness?
Sadness is more than a friend;
It is tangled with me like a lover in sheets.
It drowns out all laughter.
It drains all energy.
It shatters hope.
It devours joy.
It is not a what,
But a who.

I ask if I'm too much for you to handle
I'm a forest fire that you see as a candle

Should I be worried about something?
I stood by the bed and everyone cried, I held his hand and felt nothing
Quite literally since my grandpa was dead
But also because there might be something wrong inside of my head
I observed the time and told the nurse who walked in the room
One week later he was in a tomb
More like a six foot box in a wall
Flowers and a name as a rememberance is all
We visit occasionally my parents and I
An empty flower vase greets us each time
I take one from Dorothy's box right next door
Her family doesn't visit her anymore
But her flowers are there everytime that we go
So I move them around, it's not like she knows
My mother cries and my father stands strong letting one or two tears hit the ground
But I stand there and read names of strangers all around
Leaving behind people like my parents who mourn and remember
And granddaughters like me who don't cry and whatever
My mom calls it being strong for the family and says I'm okay
I think she's in denial of my lack of display
But alas a tear fell in fourth grade
I recall, putting my cat down at such a young age
Made me realize that death is a gateway to nothing
But leaving behind family that struggles with living
So I just won't show it anymore I determined when we left the vet place
I walk right by death and I don't leave a trace
He could knock on my door and I'd take him by the hand
Show him the bed and where to stand
Just like I stood during my grandpa's last day
He can stare at me and wonder looking on
Is there something wrong with this human?
I find myself thinking that I know it all, but I still am left asking
Should I be worried about something? Is it okay to feel nothing?

This is a soul that cares more about itself than the expectations for the vessel that hosts it

She sits on my lap
Plump and fat
Wrinkling my dress
I pet away all my stress

(cats are not evil)