It's been a month a half Since my eyes laid on you last At first you're nothing much No hard abs or glowy tan But you grow on my vision The more I stare I wonder how you would look Standing not as far as over there
My head is against the hard plastic, my hair softening the uncomfortable edge I catch a sliver of the snowstorm when I look out, blocked by his silhouette My hands place themselves on his waist, preparing for the worst Lips on lips feeling the unequal pressure and my heart feels it's cursed My chest feels strange as he transfers his kisses and finds my hands I feel him pressing against me and I sink myself into the stained fabric as far away as I can My body tenses and my mind tells it to stop but it doesn't understand His movements are choppy as he tries to explore the new terrain Does he know this terrain is 17 years young Because the ground can tell the excavator is at least 21 Teeth collide with my lips and I cringe at the lack of skills for a man My eyes drift to the snow outside the warm well used minivan Wishing how badly I could be a snowflake on the other side of the glass I pull my sweater up And let him take off my bra clasp by clasp But I don't want him I don't want this to last
I often wonder about my own origin I wonder how much of me is from just one woman I also wonder if I am anything like the man Does my DNA from her make me the good student I am Does it explain my ever present sarcasm and attitude I wonder if we have the same personality or mood I wonder about my appearance and hers Does her hair also fall down her back or shape her curves Does it reflect in the same golden way that mine does Does she also let hers grow too long just because
I know you from online And from the few files I find Is my height, or lack thereof, from you? (After all, I'm only five foot two) Do all my half siblings know of me, or just you? Do you talk to my father? Does he want to meet too?
I meet you this week 17 years or 6,463 days Not a moment too late A reunion like an awkward first date I was told to "expect nothing" from it That I can easily call to just quit But I know more everyday that I am ready I want my family tree to be a little less webby
I want you to know I am not mad I do not cry because I am sad You are the reason I live the life I have I cannot be more grateful for that
I understand the choice you made That raising me was a price you had to pay Your past is not something to regret The questions I have are nothing to fret You might fear the how's and why's But they're the last thing on my mind I just want to meet you for you And to thank you for giving me the chance to live anew
I meet my birthmother later this week and I am full of emotions, but I want all birthmothers to know that the last question an adoptee has on their mind is "why?" We want to know YOU, the you of today, so do not be scared. ( ps. If youre an adoptee too, hmu! I am here for you on your journey)