Cloudy days,
Cloudy thoughts.
Cloudy messages you propose.

Cloudy raindrops,
Falling down.
You make no movement,
Make no sound.

A cloudy sky up above,
A sky of grey portrays your love.

Where are the sunny skies I yearn for.
Where is the sun.
For you, I thought you were the one, my love.
Though all you bring with you is the dark.

A sunny forecast up ahead,
When my days aren't spent with you.
All though all we knew was to live through the grey--
My love,
Sometimes we need to accept the truth.

Laying in a puddle of mud-
*****.
Now Thirty,
Paying for it at a spa.

A lie big enough
to turn into a regret
that becomes an ever lasting guilt -
A lie that will hurt you more then it would the person lied to.

Is it worth it?

Slowly drowning me
With your negativity.
Bringing me down
With your selfishness.
You sit there and wonder
Why your life has turned out the way it has.
Some things are understandably upsetting,
Others, terribly exaggerated.
You sit there and wonder what your life has become,
Though yet you do nothing to make it better.
Your words burn the hearts of others,
Though you expect forgiveness a moment later.
Boasting about what could have been,
What you have missed out on,
Blaming others for your own mistakes.
You expect all those around you to forgive your piercing murmurs,
That become more than just background noise,
More like spiteful parodies,
As you laugh with yourself
Lost in your negativity.
Breaking those around you,
Losing others along the way,
I won't be able to take it for much longer,
Can't stand your negative ways.

See there,
Be there,
Hear there,
Breathe there.

Though you're here, Not there?
Pressure - to be there.
To see there,
To hear there,
To think, live and breathe - there
Pressure - to be there.
Unfair.
Pressure - to be untrue,
To be everything,
**Everything but YOU

"I love you."

Their true feelings spoken, There's something to be said,
To share their feelings - they're no longer weak.
As they lay there in bed.
As they lay there unafraid to speak.

They can't see their future without one another.
A deep a relationship, they are almost there.
Emotions still roar like thunder.
Hopes and Dreams, they now share.

Not just sleeping together, but Making love.
They hide no secrets, Tell no lies.
Each other - They're proud of.
Arguments now lead to Compromise.

It's their first time.
Emotions take over.
Touching, Kissing, Feeling,
Passion - the wait is over.

Their feelings for each other, yet again, grow.
Every one gets along fine.
Questions, Answers, Conversations flow.
Nervous - Meeting the family for the first time.

He says he wants to be more serious - She agrees.
Relationship is stronger.
Arguments forgiven.

Would we happy with each other?
What we have, is this right?
Frustrated with each other.
First fight.

He is lost in her beauty.
Many Dates passed, the first now a memory.
Dates and Dinners, Drinks and Movies.
Date two, Date three.

The first kiss - He gave her.*
A memorable night.
Both on their best behaviour.
A romantic dinner over candlelight.

No hesitation shown.
Arranged first date - No-one stalled.
Spoke for the first time on the phone.
Nervous -  Dialling their number, *first call.

Exciting emotions unlocked.
The start of a relation.
Numbers swapped.
Shared a conversation.

**"Hello, Nice to meet you!"

"We're friends" you said.
There when you need me,
Your not, when I need you.
That's life,
One big hypocrite.

Did you know that there is a world out there,
full of evil, jealousy and sin?

Were you aware that you may be sitting there,
innocently, not harming a soul in the world,
and someone, somewhere, will be wishing the worst for you.

Making spells, sending evil, cursing your very soul,
The person you may think is your closest friend,
Could be your biggest threat.
Wishing the worst for you -
hoping you were dead.

What ever happen to respect and be respected,
Love and be loved in return.
I was once a big believer in these things,
and then I was burnt.

Friendships lost, hearts broken - trust lost.
Now I walk a lonely road,
Trusting no-one,
Understanding nothing.

Not everything is what is seems.

I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time.
That's what they said.

It got the cat-
         It got me--
*Curiosity

Open.

Close.*                  
  
Open.

Close.

        ­             the doors of chance.
                           *anything goes.

Normal?
What does it mean to be normal?

What is normal?
Normal to you, may not be normal to me.

From the life of the simple,
Formal, may not be normal.

From the views of the formal,
Simple may be looked down upon,
Frowned upon.

Judging one another based on normality,
A life created on formalities,
Complications, Discrimination.
All because of our definition of normal?

Definition of
normal-
           1.  conforming to a standard; usual,          typical, or expected.

"Usual?", "Expected?", "Typical?".
Hypocritical!

Normal?
Does it even exist?
Why do we persist- to have our definitions of what normal is?
And what it isn't?

Normal-
**What is it?

"I will never break your heart" you said,
Speaking of the ***** that my very existence relies upon,
that pumps every inch of my blood-
                                                 every trace--

"I will never break your heart" you said.
How vain!
It was never yours to break in the first place!

A seedling drops,
Watch it grow.
See it flourish,
Observe it age.
It grows old,
Withered, unnoticed.

A seedling drops...

Courageous.
I go through stages.
I think about all I could do.
I am Courageous.

Afraid.
I contemplate.
I think about all that could go wrong.
I am afraid.

Brave.
I will do all that I crave.
I believe in myself.
I feel brave.

Fear.
It creeps up, whilst fulfilments of my dreams are near.
The possible becomes impossible.
I feel fear.

Fear, when brave,
Then feeling afraid,
All the stages, the rages - The angst of changes.
When I feel Courageous.

Wake.
Shower.
Eat.
In the car.
Find a seat.
On the train.
At work.
Make a sale.
Tuck in your shirt.
Eat.
Drink.
Laugh.
Stop - No time for games.
Make a sale.
Again.
And again.
Belittled.
Not recognised.
Meet your targets.
Don't get fired.
Work after work - No pay.
At the station.
Back on the train.
Find a seat .
None found - Must stand.
What's that smell.
Feeling cramped.
At your Destination.
Back in the car.
Meet every red light.
Home feels so far.
Finely there.
Eat. Shower. Sleep.
**Life is not fair.

"Tomorrow"
Tomorrow passes- Now yesterday
"Tomorrow" he says to his sons.
Then-*
        Tomorrow never comes.

Corners.
Corners.
Everywhere I look there are corners.

Windows,  no windows.
No doors.
No brightness, no light.
No escape in sight.

Cornered, I feel cornered.
They're pointing fingers.
They are. Who are they?
Who are they to tell me,
To sit between corners.

Corners, I feel cornered.
They are trying to erase every memory,
Making me lose track.

Corners, around the cornered.
When you feel cornered,
Look carefully,
There might be a crack.

They're there - Their tangled.
Another love triangle.
Their there! They're 3,
Him & Her,
And then there was me.

Change is changing - the changes that we made.
No time for abiding by Human Rights,
When it means someone isn't getting paid.

Light blue swirls,
In an ocean deep.

We laugh,
We desire,
We weep.

Shards of grass, emerald green,
Seeping through a mirage of brown.

We dare,
We smile,
We frown.

A sky of vivid blue,
Breaking through the clouds of grey.

We hope,
We bicker,
We prey.

Amongst all of the above--
The nature
          of
**Love

Holding hands, yet feeling alone,
Your presence was meant to be my home.

I can still feel you-
         the you you used to be,
The us that was,
               the you and me.

Holding hands, yet feeling alone.
Where did the excitement go?
The magic we would feel-
                 with every touch,
The joy,
              the nerves,
                                 the rush-

Holding on to every word-
                 anticipating the next.
Remembering each and every moment,
Waiting anxiously to create the rest.

Now we rest on each other,
sometimes without a word to say.
What happened to the moments-
when we hadn't enough hours in a day.

At least when we admit-
             that what we had is now lost.
I will have gained a million memories to put to a song.

And every time 'our song' plays,
                           I'll surely think of you.
Dreams shared, Years lost-
       *and all I'm left with is a tune.

Where am I?
What is this?
Warm, Wet,
I'm swimming.

Alone, Alone for so long.
Not knowing right from wrong.
A thought - *What is this I'm thinking?

Bumps and lumps and all kinds of triumphs.
A race for survival - Depending on all but me.
Made from love or misery?

Who am I?
I can hear voices,
Especially one - Constantly there.
She sounds so sweet.
Who is she?

What will my life be like?
Endless possibilities - No choices.
A game of chances.
What will become of me?

A Newborns destiny - **A lottery.

Read my poems,
though read them right.
You can't just read them like
you are reading a book,
And think "this is not that good".
What is this?
These are words from my heart,
Don't underestimate.
The power contained in each word,
Sings a tune,
Read it like that,
Like a song,
that's the way it deserves to be read.
You then might feel what I feel
and appreciate each word
And let them touch your heart,
and truly understand what's being said.
Each word a journey of my hearts content,
Or its losses,
Some possibly written with tears dripping,
On the keyboard,
true emotions,
Deserve respect.

I ask myself “who am I?",
I wait for a reply.
I hear my thoughts rambling,
I here myself say “Why?”
Why do I see myself as I do,
in fact, what do I actually see?
I realise after all this time, my thoughts have been taking over me.

If I step back and think about each time I have found myself in despair,
I never really realised, it was a thought that took me there.

Thinking makes us something,
it’s the one thing that sets us apart;
a thought leading to happiness,
or a broken heart.

What will your thoughts be today, knowing what you know?;
A single thought, leads to many others,
*we reap what we sow.

Uplift me
Take me
Make me
Break me
Take me to another world.
Give me a night like a love song,
Where nothing goes wrong.
Where all that can be, will be.

Hold me,
Write to me,
Sing to me,
Break through my squirms of disbelief,
When you touch me - *Where no one else has been.


Your lips on every part,
Every shadow,
Every groove,
Hands gliding through every piece of hair.
Hold me, guide me, teach me.
Those eyes - That stare.

Tell me, Don't stop,
Tell me how you feel,
While you touch me,
Your body, Your soul-
Free--
To love me,
To show me,
A language of love spoken by your eyes
When you look at me,
A language only I perceive.
Write me poetry - with your glare,
Those eyes - That stare.

Taking me to that place,
Ecstatic,
Dramatic,
Mystical,
Amazing,
In reality it is silent,
Moments of our lives pass us by,
Without a care,
You make me think of nothing,
Though a thousand worries there.

You allow me to drift-
             I'm drifting.
  *Uplift me

Could it have been the self concious views?
The lack of choice- No room to choose?

Could it have been the need for emotion?
The outbursts? The commotion?
Were the cogs rusting? A lack of motion

The cogs of time rusting...
Time not moving with the speed of light?
Could it have been that one was moving faster, then other-
Timing not right?

Like a Cheetah and a Deer holdings hands,
Could it have been tempting chance?
The chance to be amazed at the beauty of this picture,
Then not be surprised with the outcome- An act of nature.

Mesmerized with lies that are there to charm.
Cheating fate, Causing harm.

Could it have been...
That you left me because I was no more an object of your desire?
Or- Could it had been that all along,
I was *playing with fire?

Break-
Break free--
I am pulling at these chains, though in return they're pulling me.

I am stuck-
Suffocating-
I am choking-
        I'm stuck!
How could this be?

Young children running down a green pasture-
Dreams so large, so real, so fierce-
I was there-
       That was me!

Look now-
Look at me now--
Can you see?
An adult lost at sea.

Stuck, Lost, Confused-
In a kingdom so large.
So many others-
       yet still feel alone

Searching for the 'free' in freedom,
Though cornered into fear,
All the rules choking me in,
The 'free' will never be near.

I was living and breathing,
I was moving on,
though the best thing I could do,
was to be missing you.

I left myself in your arms,
the very arms that broke me.
and all I knew to do,
was to be missing you.

I missed every moment,
every kiss, every breath,
I hung off every word,
Whilst I was missing you.

As the days went on,
you eventually missed me too,
though then I was done,
I was done...
missing you.

You missed your chance,
you missed the moment.
missing you has now turned into,
nothing.

Nothing is what you are to me,
Although you could have been...
Everything you now want to be, to me,
*Whilst I was missing you.

Why am I here?
What is there to complete?
Is there some kind of mission?
Must I compete?

What is my life meant to compromise of?
This can't be it.
Born empty handed.
Naked - No start-up kit.

Find yourself they say.
Where do I begin?
A life full of tempters,
Though no tolerance for sin.

"Come one, Come all!" they shout,
Promising excitement.
A step into a shade of grey,
An unknown world of enticement.

A life full of tempters,
Though no room for sin.
Find yourself they say.
**Where do I begin?

Can't you take this pain away?
why not?
You caused it in the first place!

We were once so close,
What happened?

All the secrets shared,
The lies told for one another.

The memories we made,
Were they all for nothing?
Something-
Something happened between us.
What was it?

Best of friends,
Souls searching the wonders of this world-
Together.

Together no more.
Sad, hurt - Unsure
Sure- Sure we had our times.
Downs and Ups.
Trial and Error.
Now, Nothing.

Nothingness is still Something.
It's that thing you are doing now-
Nothing.
It's the absence that you choose,
You chose-
Nothing--

Through everything,
There's Something-
There's Nothing-
There's what you chose for us to be.
All lost through Nothing over Something.
Souls parted, Hopes flattened-
Hearts saddened.
**What happened?

Sometimes I miss you.
I remember the times you made me as happy as I could be,
then I miss you.
I remember the drive you gave me,
the motivation,
the edge,
and then I miss you.
I remember others trying to bring you down,
and the way you quickly got up again.
Or the times you fought through
the toughest moments in your life
with courage and determination.
You were truly an inspiration,
and I miss you.
The pain that you went through,
and yet you pushed through,
without an issue.
I miss you.
And now I'm down,
not getting any younger,
and feel miserable.
Where are you now,
When I really need you,
To see me through,
and be you.
I miss me,
I miss the strong,
fearless,
determined,
Me.
I miss the days I loved
who I used to see,
in my reflection,
without rejection,
I miss the me
who used to be.

“Truly in the heart there is a void that can not be removed-
    except with the company of God."

"And in it there is a sadness-
that can not be removed except with the happiness of knowing God
        and being true to Him."

"And in it there is an emptiness that can not be filled except with love for Him
    and by turning to Him,
        and always remembering Him."

"And if a person were given all of the world-
   and what is in it,
           it would not fill this emptiness.”

- Ibn Qayyim Al Jawziyyah

You.                                                
You are.
Are you?
You are.

You.
       *Only you

Its so silent I can hear myself breathe
I can hear the wind sing its song outside and maybe a car drive by
- but that is all.

I am here writing,
trying to express my self as I have this urge to let it all out,
to be a part of something greater-
Something Better.

We search for better-
Always searching for something better, something greater- something more.
So busy searching we forget to truly live.

We let moments pass us by,
moments of time that are there for us to seize.
Moments that we could enjoy with the people we love,
or doing the things we love, or
stopping
 for a moment
to listen,
learn from,  and                       
love ourselves.

We are to consumed with wanting to be better financially,
wanting more,
competing,
struggling,
chasing pointless unimportant relationships,
allowing pointless situations to bring us down and consume our time worrying about them,  

  until
    
we realize one day that time has passed,          
  years have passed

Whether we are successful or not in our chase for more,
Once that time has passed it is too late, it is lost, gone forever
And only then will we want the more fulfilling 'more's',
the 'more's' our hearts truly desire.

The more time we should have spent with our partners
The more time we should have spent with our parents
The more time we should have spent with our children
The more time we should have spent with our siblings
The more time we should have spent with our truest of friends

The more time we should have
spent with our pets,
doing the things we truly love doing,
enjoying every moment we have in our lives,
instead of chasing the dollar
or stressing over
pointless matters 
 that are going to be forgotten about soon after.

 The more time we should have spent learning from,
listening to,
connecting with, 
and loving,  
ourselves.



Its so silent I can hear myself breathe
I can hear the wind sing its song outside and maybe a car drive by - but that is all.

A moment of silence, a moment of peace.
Connecting with my inner self,
Not anxious, or worried, or losing my breath.
I am peaceful.
I am alive,
and
*I can hear my self breathe.

I left myself
With words unspoken
Falling down
On a heart, unbroken.

I fell within,
my deepest conscious.
I learned to swim,
Although I was cautious.

I take a breath,
of my polluted surroundings.
My soul full,
of worthless doubting.

I  walked along,
went with the crowd,
I hid myself,
in the shadows.

I fell asleep,
I dreamt my dreams,
Where everything is as it seems.

And as I wake,
Each day I say,
Welcome, welcome to another.

Another day, of hope and prey,
as I search for meaning,

The life of a long lost lover.

For you, I ran
I jumped, I leaped
Over all my fears.

For you, I coloured
My grey sky,
Red-
For you, I laughed, I cried,
I feared.

I feared the loss of all we had,
Although no loss was near.
I held you tight and then-
Held you tighter.
Our future still unclear.

For you, I fought
I lost, I gained.
I challenged my very self.

For you....

(that's all.)

it was all for you
And now...

      I'm by myself.

"Forever" you said.
I never thought you meant
That I would remember you forever,
*Alone.

What a sad creature you are.
Stuck in your ways.
We don't know you well, but you think you know us.
What type of life have you lived that made you this way.
There are people out there that come from broken homes, tortured, and deprived of the necessities to live a healthy normal life and if they do end up escaping their very unfortunate situations they live, they love, although not exactly the same as their more fortunate peers, they live and love life.
And here you are, counting the negatives in your life,
most of which have been self-manifested,
here you are, forgetting to count your blessings; and even disguising some of your blessings with hate and sorrow.

Don't be sorry, change.
Don't be confused, think.
Think about it; what do you get out of chasing the same tail you have been chasing round in circles for all these years?
No, I am not saying you are a dog,
but what I am trying to say is: you are a human, so use the mental capacity that you have to really think about what you're doing, and what you have done; think, and change.

A penny dropped, a pebble thrown, life is full of mistakes,
but in a moment, a pondering moment, blessings they may come.
Live with love, forgive yourself, for all that you have done.

Let it go...

       Let it go...

Everyday, every moment, you have been given a second chance at life, is this how you choose live it?

A step taken.
That first step -
Long and dreaded.

Trying so hard not to push yourself in,
As you watch yourself from the sidelines-
              Who have you become?

You see all that you could be-
And know all that you couldn't.
Watching and anticipating...
                                     What will you do?

All that you have lost-
                               All for nothing.
All that you had feared-
      you have become.

Patience:
Good for the moment-
Then you realise doing nothing
won't get it done.

Stepping into everything you never wanted,
You ran into all that broke you.
Now you watch yourself falling deeper-
And refuse to swim.

All that life proposes,
A single flower in a vase of dead roses-
Saints and Sins and all sorts of things,
We love and then we regret...

Watching ourselves turn to-
all that we're used to...
Slowly-
           taking that first step.

Be who you are she said,
as she looked me in the eyes.
She told me not to worry,
not to be afraid to cry.

She touched my face gently,
and whispered "live and dream",
"don't let others bring you down,"
"you've got to fight for every dream!"

What an inspiration,
a true friend, in a world of fake.
An everlasting friendship,
forgetting all that hurt us,
forgiving all mistakes.


She is all that I wish I could be,
and I will never find another.
my life I owe to her,
my dearest friend -
*my mother.

I lay my head to sleep
Sleeping next to you.
You lay there next to me
Then I dream.

I wish it ended there-
Though you never ask what my dreams are about.
You never even asked how I was feeling today- you haven't for years.

Lost in between two places-
Then and now.
Though now is all we know.
If we ever second guess it-
There must be something wrong with us.

Is there? Is there something wrong with wanting more then what we have. We are told that we should look around us and realise we are luckier then some.
We are.

Are we conscious of all we do, is it all really free will?
If so then why the sub-conscious?
If so then why do you not ask me how I am feeling anymore?
Do you consciously not care?

If so then why have I slept next to you for many precious years of my life...

And find myself dreaming...

Dreaming of another.

My fingers write the words of my soul,
If only it could speak for itself.
Words get lost through thoughts and motion,
Chinese whispers - a metaphor.
The truth is left, where it begun,
The words of a soul - nothing more.

You are Everything,
Though you are Nothing.
That's still *Something

You fell from the sky.
Out of nowhere,
you were suddenly there.

You nourished my life,
Out of nowhere,
You were there.

You landed on me,
Spontaneously.
Out of nowhere,
You were there.

Just as you came,
as a surprise.
Out of nowhere,
you weren't there.

Just as I began to love you,
You began to disappear,
As raindrops fall,
As raindrops fall.

Dear Friend,
Thank you for being there.
When was the last time I said thank you and you knew that I meant it?
When was the last time, we laughed at the rules and then we bent them?
Memories fade, as the years go by.
Though with you memories seem like yesterday.
Do you remember all that we went through,everything that we had done.
All the memories we made, every moment, in my heart, I've saved.

Just looking at the pictures, a moment of our youth.
Those moments how I miss them, young and unafraid to speak the truth.

Maybe, Maybe, one day we will meet,
and whenever that may be, I'm sure we will recapture the memories.
Just like yesterday, we say, although it has been years,
Since we created each others smiles and wiped away each others tears.

Dear friend,
I sure do miss you,
I remember you for a moment at the least in my days,
when we'd discuss our issues, then we'd forget them and play.
How about the times we fought battles for one another,
or the moments we fought each other?,
and then we laughed at those times, and moved on from it all in a day.
Do you remember them? My friend, how can I forget,
all those years gone by and still a clear memory of how we first met.

Maybe, Maybe, one day we'll meet,
and whenever that may be, we can remake our history.
Maybe, Maybe, one day we'll meet,
until then my old friend, I hope your safe and happy.

If I don't see you, If life has taken us to far,
like the waves of the ocean, like a long lost star,
Remember that I remember you, and never forget the times we shared,
My friend, I will always be here, **and in my heart, you will always be there.

Forgive me if I sit here,
And watch you live in peace.
I have begged for mercy all my life,
And I am still down on my knees.

Excuse me if I question,
All that I see.
Whilst you watch or read what your fed,
conveniently on pay TV.

Forgive me if I am shaken,
By your happiness in life,
Whilst turning a blind eye,
As others are purposely stripped of their lives.

Though who am I to judge you,
We live in a democracy.
A land of trust, respect, and,
Honesty?


Only a minority see the truth,
Whilst millions cry for change.

As we sit here broken,
In unbroken chains.