Kat Lavon 17h

I want to hurt myself or hurt anyone.
I think about chucking a hammer at someone's head
Or slitting someone's throat from behind
I think about jabbing a knife in my neck
Or crushing someone’s skull
I think about burning someone alive
Or poisoning them with bleach

They don't have to do anything to me
They don't have to say anything to me
They could do nice things for me
They could say nice things to me

And I just think about hurting them
Over and over I think about hurting them
and the thoughts get stronger
and it’s so hard to fight them

And I feel like I might go on a killing spree
And in the moment it feels so right
Like it’s what i’m supposed to do
A hunger pain I need to fill

With murder and blood and screaming
Their screams in my mind
Only make me laugh
It feels like my mind is possessed

These thoughts are all disturbed
Then they subside until it’s time
for them to come back again
And I’m always left feeling confused and frightened

It’s a struggle fighting these thoughts everyday
It’s a struggle “pretending” they aren’t there
It’s a struggle “lying” to everyone and myself
It’s a struggle hiding
It’s a struggle stuffing these sick thoughts
Back into my deranged brain
And no one can make it better
No arrangement of words makes a difference

I get tired trying to explain my suffering to the ignorant
But still I want them to know
And I don’t want to sugar coat the dark and ugly
Because my mind only forces me to hate them

I want to spit the gross truth in their faces
I want to smother their minds with demented thoughts
I want them to feel despair
I want them to suffer too

I want them to know, I want them to be scared
I want them to be uncomfortable
I want them to hurt
Then I wouldn't have to explain

Because I don’t need pity
Pity can’t fix me
Pity is useless
I need to write, I need to create, I need to express

I need to be able to speak about my demons
without someone judging me or being afraid of me
Or treating me as if i all I am is my thoughts
Because i’m more afraid then they are

I’m more terrified of my own thoughts
Especially when these thoughts don’t feel like my own
And If my thoughts are not my own, then whose are they?
I want these thoughts to go away

This isn't exactly a poem, but it's something I had to get out. My will is stronger than my thoughts and I have never hurt anyone. But I am diagnosed Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, and intrusive thoughts are very real and can be scary sometimes.
Chloe 4d

I am a storm that destroys everything in it's path. I will love you and obsess over you and then I will push you away because I will get bored of you.

Dear Future Partner;
I am like the sea. I am calm and beautiful until something becomes difficult. I will drown you in my sorrows and force you to feel my agony.

Dear Future Partner;
I am like a flower. I will plant my roots into your heart and I will let you rip off my petals one by one until I have nothing left to grow for you.

Dear Future Partner;
I am the wind on a cold winter day. I will suffocate you. My bite will chill you to the bone; and like the winter, my grey days will make you grow tired of me.

Dear Future Partner;
I am the sun on a warm summer day. I will give you my warmth. I will wrap you in my arms and let you soak me into your skin.

Dear Future Partner;
If you want to fall in love with me... Don't.

Your head feels foggy
you sense yourself unwind
It’s the same dreadful demons
toying with your mind
they wait till it’s dark
and the lights are down low
unnerving sickly attacks
thru your blood and bones
you can’t hide your black heart
the demons can see
they don’t allow any space
in your head to breathe  
they tear your reason to shreds
you need fixing
a worn stone sinking
in an ocean that’s rotting
decaying miserably and
forced to bend the knee
how much more agony
can the universe bring
not even your screams
can get you out of the cold
and you’d rather lay there
and drown
than go it alone

You're off
Clearly off
On yourself
A bottomless
Which you
Have fallen
But I'm
Not falling
For it
You're not
Have made
To be
A monster
Not to be
Who can't protect you
From the fact
That you need me
But I
Cannot protect
From your
Or my future
Let alone
Protect you
From what
Should have been
Left well enough
That's what we
It's traumatic
It's triggering
And you are
The gun

drastically manic
changing pace
constantly so
coming and going
changing tone
constantly so
fucking varying
it's the emo incarnate
ms unlasting beauty
moment to moment
one or the other
drastically manic
THE only constant
makes the most fantastic of dance partner

Marc Hawkins Sep 11

In a still boat on a calm sea,
A kite flying high in the sky above me.
In a summer breeze the kite will lift
Causing the boat to drift.
This is life as I know it, a life to be lived,
My eternal quest to taste fulfilment
At the very least self forgiveness.
It's an easy concept
When you know who you are,
I can soar like a comet, I can shoot like a star.
But let the clouds be your ceiling,
Try to suppress those niggling feelings,
Avoid soaring away on some pointless notion,
Return to the comfort of that still ocean.
Return to the craft, to that life saving raft.
Safe. Calm. Normal

In a still boat on a calm sea
An anchor weighs heavy
In the depths below me.
In an insular place,
In the darkness of night
The chain of the anchor
Pulls heavy and tight.
This is death as I see it.
This is anti-flight.
As I am dragged to the morbid bed,
Nowhere to hide from the fearful dread,
The black ink ocean floods my head
And I writhe and I wriggle
Until the chain, through rot and rust
Crumbles and, like I, falls to dust.

Free, I swim towards the boat.
I float to the surface.
I climb on the vessel, I take in the light,
I bathe in the glory of a no win fight,
Re-chained to the anchor, retied to the kite,
Safe. Calm. Normal.
Kind of alright

Copyright Marc Hawkins 2015

Jane Most Sep 10

Two years later I lost my life to the past and four months later I realized I
COULD live my life without you
Six months earlier I struggled to find myself because you blinded me with your shiny teeth and bright eyes yet now I'm here
Still sad, but no bitch.

to figure out who I was, he had to leave. If only I knew that all the time.

A waltz with broken legs and a wailing heart.
A constant state of fear, of the inevitable darkness this way comes.

Where every thought sings to me “Do it.”
She sounds like me, and I’m afraid.
I’m afraid I’ll do it.

My blood would run a crimson red,
My heart would cry me a river.

Tongue tied bastard looking to escape a body, not mine;
a mind out to kill me.

A living broken record.

without skipping a beat I'm floating again.
What a high! My, oh my!
The whirlwinds calm,
for a moment.
I come back to life.
I go home.

For a moment.

You see? darling,
If you wait long enough, dear,
in just another moment,
I will have plummeted again, and again; Forever, again.

Riley Sep 5

I scream

But no one hears

I open my eyes

But no one is there

I listen closely

But hear not a sound

I am all alone

Riley Sep 5

My head aches

Not a headache, but the aching of thoughts
Not one simple pounding from a source, clinically known
Not something too simple, clear pills can fix

Try the feeling of multiple poundings fighting inside of your head
The things fighting are my thoughts and feelings and my head is the ring

And it will only end once there is a knockout

My first poem written the summer of 2016
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