My thoughts drift slow and lazy
through the valleys of my mind,
reaching out for answers,
searching for something I left behind.
My memories were here once before
with darkness, screams and pain,
the intense fire of creative spirit
dampened to pulp by a wicked brain.
So where did I leave myself
when I escaped in to my head?
I've deconstructed the mental walls
to discover the places I had fled.
Between. Betwixt. Bewitched. Be still,
a balm to soothe this anxious seer.
My thoughts drift slow and lazy
through the valleys of my fears.
© Pagan Paul (20/05/17)
I have but two shadows in clay
Sighs merged as you pull me away
A coward truce curse my stay
Dead valley my heart turn grey
I am but stranded on pages this fall of lightning play
Too quick to bury, too raw to slay
My feet are still tender, wait for the day
Speak of the vice in my voice
I’m but a crooked vase
This demon has nothing yet to say
Picture a world sprinkled out of vanilla pills and latent sliver shards gulped through my inner veins dancing like a culprit derailed on a highway of subtlety waving at the crimson scythe in my admirer’s sleeve walking down the aisle forefront a hall of cancerous lanes merging into a cradle of words she could never find synonyms for.
Dart this drifting mind into my crimson navel and arrest the mascara choked by blood stain on my wrists so the skin tone on my admirer’s neck may glide under through the inner walls of virtue disguised as a running play of shadow and breath seeping into the concrete walls of a dream she is yet to live, a truce she has yet to conquer, a death she has yet to prosper on an island fortified by her demons and secluded only to carve the inner gears so they be served on a platter to her creators
-succumbed in the depths of dark desires only to find a crack in the concrete shades of her being-
secluded by the weight of her sins into a ground where the dead would suffer a thousand deaths only to taste one morsel off her moist tongue, lips which have nothing to offer but crude words in the name of a flawed existence -by a sarcastic comedian- sadist enough to make her bent from the pain in her bones and drink the poison from her gaze that now curses even the most transcended of beings, purest of the pure stripped naked; at last the tenderness in her final breaths embrace the wetness of a tire sail, finding peace beyond an empty world of hopes and lanterns in the skies.
Im so empty, not much left to love.
I shake my head riding of.
Oh I don't want to live this life.
Slice... with the knife.
Coral reefs and other pretty things.
Angel's with harps begin to sing.
Oh these things were destroyed.
Stab... This life I try to void.
Running coverd in honey falling to my knees.
Spoiled meat, feeling the stings of the bees.
Please... Oh God help me please.
Come and set me free.
Troubled, sad, lost, confused.
I am never happy and never amused.
This life was not for me.
Dialated pupils, sunglasses, I cannot see.
We are all made of static and tv.
Now I have lost my envy.
This life was not for me.
This life was not for me
Dress me up Im all about glamour.
Take these nuts and bust them with a hammer.
Time to go to the bathroom and powder my nose.
Fixing my skirt and fishnet pantyhose.
I don't want to be me, I want to be a girl.
Skinny I need to be, belimac watch me hurl.
God I love this sexy silky bra.
In everyones eyes a man they saw.
But underneath the clothes and skin.
Waits a happy little girl waiting to begin.
Her happy little life in gogo boots and mini skirts.
I think about the sexy sl*t in me and it hurts.
No money for an operation, so I'll just cut it off.
No more turn your head and cough.
One day by all I will be seen.
As the inner me transforms into a beauty queen
The sun hazed out by the winters snow.
Time will not, for time is to slow.
It’s to lat now all has gone up in smoke.
And in the warmth was just a joke.
Now frozen to the bone we try to survive.
Doing all we can to stay alive.
I pray for protection from the frost giants that near.
The torturing of this slow death we all fear.
If we make it through this cold night.
Will we awake tomorrow with our sight?
Frozen, Frozen, Frozen.
The doors to life are closing.
As the sun takes a peak it smiles as if he’s teasing.
Only for us to try and cry, were freezing.
the temperature goes down even colder.
I was so cold I could not even hold her.
Frozen, frozen, frozen.
This is not the life I have choosen
I stand so proud and tall.
With my nose pressed against the wall.
I know I was naughty, is this why your punishing me?
pssng my pants, you make me get on my knees.
Naughty Boy! Naughty Boy you shout.
After your done smelling that, I am washing your mouth out!
My nose sore from being punished by you.
What next? What now are you going to do?
the bar of soap inserts my mouth all the way to my throat.
I wont be naughty anymore than my privates were groped.
I know I looked in your panty drawer today.
Now I am going to really pay.
Trying them on I know there for you.
I guess this naughty boy had no clue.
Putting them on my head and shoving them in my mouth.
Still at the same time washing my mouth out.
Waiting for you to come back today.
I am not scared Iv’e been naughty in every way.
No please I am not hungry, don’t make me eat the vegetables.
I sit and pout at the kitchen table.
forcing them into my mouth and making me swallow.
You lead on a leash and I am forced to follow.
I am your pet, your naughty little slave.
And it’s almost time to play.
But we both know what comes first.
The cutting of my arms to satisfy your thirst.
Crazy little things, crazy little cuts.
The voice in my head tells me its a must.
Staying alive is driving me fckng nuts.
Hate myself and all the people in the world.
The emotions trapped in my mind are hurled.
The vision of wisdom has been blurred.
If I could ask you to kill me, would you?
Loving me with hatred its what I want you to do.
Strangle my thoughts until my lips turn blue.
No more love, no more life, just stains of me.
Blame my suicide on the sole fact it was curiosity.
Its your own fault you didn't set me free.
The conclusion is you never really understood.
The evil in me was actually meant to be good.
Living, this I am aware that I should.
To late now forever frozen in space and time.
Meeting in the afterlife we can finally unwind.
Even though I am gone you will always be mine.
The mood is set, the coffin comes to rest.
Tears and laughter God bless.
The dirt topples over my new found home.
Set to rot and reveal my emotions and bones.
Wait... Why am I still thinking?
My heart beats my eyes blinking.
Hard to breathe, so hard to breathe.
A slight jerking motion, whats beneath?
The coffin moves, I know its moving.
The sound of flowing water so soothing.
Scraps and bumps the coffin rattles around.
Screaming for nothing I can't make a sound.
Razor roots intrude into my resting space.
Cutting at my wrists and my confused face.
Water seeps in quickly turning to a flood.
Thrashing in razors water and mud.
Fighting and holding on to life whatever that means.
A small speck of light can be seen!
I can do this I can escape.
Drowning in emotions of hysterical rage.
Almost there I can feel the way out.
Still struggling to scream and shout.
Water fills the remaining spaces only to suffocate.
Two deaths in a day can anyone relate?
Depression Report #718
f*ck if I know...
It's a good day today. Found a bit of relief.
I just don't know...
I wonder about tomorrow. Will it bring pain?
Sigh... It takes all I have just to sigh.
One more time?
Sigh... It feels better.
But only for now. Hopefully later!
I just want to sleep...