i'm worried that soon enough i won't be able to hold my tongue.
do you even know that you are my first thought when i wake up in the morning,
to my last pray at night.
and it's an exciting feeling when i see you,
that morphs into a horrid dread.
what if it's all in my head?
what if I wake up
and never see you again?
i'm afraid to be in love with you because you might not love me back.
The feeling of no hope.
Just wishful distress.
Trapped in silence, burdened by loud thoughts I hesitate to express.
Suffer in silence a friend once said.
Verbalized then cauterized with dread.
I want to be free.
But these chains bring me to my knees.
In the mirror someone new stands.
Broken compared to the man beforehand.
and suddenly time stops
after weeks and weeks of moving too fast
the stillness makes my head spin
or maybe you make my head spin
because there you are
a friend of a friend
standing in the living room
had it been my living room
i'd have asked you to leave
our history was crashing around
inside of my skull
a ricocheting bullet i didn't know how to stop
as it were
all i could do was stand there
statue still in the doorway
frozen in time
your silhouette blurred against
the afternoon sunlight streaming in
through the window
and i stared for moment after long moment
needing you to be someone else
and just like in all my bad dreams
when i scrounged up the courage to greet you
your face fell into an expressionless mask
our eyes barely met
your irises the same shade
as the coffee that holds my eyes open every morning
and nothing fell from your mouth
i tried hard not to feel anything
i know you were as terrified as me
There was a time
I opened my computer in highschool
Searching my browser for you-tube for the first time.
I opened the website for U2
It was not for another month I discovered the video search engine that is so engrained into our culture today.
I saw a 5 year old navigating you-tube today.
They were watching a cat be abused and giggling.
I wonder when curiosity died.
Perhaps after it killed the cat.
you come in uninvited and make me feel ignited
with the thought of terror, i think there may be an error.
Anxiety! Anxiety! are you sure you entered the right home?
i push you out the dome, yet you still find your way in.
please leave me alone, Anxiety.
i feel like im going insane, its putting me in pain.
my eyes close and i feel you leave my home.
"ill be back tomorrow," you said. "sleep tight, little one."
i weep as i await your visit and now i dread,
every single day
of my life.
Platinum tusks of fur heaping in front of me
Guide me down a path
Which I conceal with maple leaves
As I walk down the jarred path
It leads to a bed of flowers
Covered in a blanket of gold
I am numb, drunk of greed and rage
yet it alleviates my pain
I take seat
My senses tingle as the aromas linger
The incessant perfume, ever so piercing
Caressing my nostrils
I regain consciousness
however, memory crannies obstruct
as these final words echo through my brain
Mellow rustling was heard in the distance, I look around
A wolf on the prowl met my eye as we converse
For the gander we took at each other spoke many words.
We remained in silence, but I understood
I stood up and followed
As if we were floating
The elegance of each step taken was riveting
Leaves dancing around me, performing their ballet
Moving seamlessly along with the wind
Of which I felt neither
I followed it past the withered remnants of branches and trees
Critters scatter amongst the landscape
A truly idyllic experience
As it stops at a lake - it is violet
For a moment, the illusion of beauty got the better of me
As I stand and gaze aimlessly in the distance
I take notice around me
I stare in the water
The sky is dull, sepia tones
In front of me lies but a carcass and rotten flesh
Amongst a bed of thorns
I lost connection
In the silence a noise approaches my ear
I look around. Darkness
Any scream for help is responded to with silence
Bludgeoned puppets with broken smiles
Guide me down a path, disintegrating,
Once before, vivid colours dulled
Once before, nature rose and defied
The might of the earth, blooming in the sun
It reeks of pollen, I sway
The sense of disgust fills my nose
As visions and visions filled my head
A candle light
My vision clouds