even when she cries,
even when she yells,
she's beautiful.

you were the liquor i couldn't afford
and the cigarettes i didn't smoke.
you were the thoughts i couldn't
make up into words and
the covered bruise on my neck.
you were everything and nothing to me,
at the same time,
if that's even possible-
because you were the universe,
with galaxies in your eyes and
i wasn't even a star, babe.

i know you,
and i also know
when you put
on eye drops,
so nobody
will know
that you have
been crying in
your bathroom,
feeling depressed
and lonely.

my smeared eyelids
from my black eyeliner,
are slowly closing and dropping,
all because i want to live in
a dream, in a world,
where you are mine,
and i am yours.

i siт неre,
оn тнis old
вus seaт,
neхт то тне
dirту window,
drunк and нigн,
analyzing and тнinкing
aвouт нow мiseraвle
and fucкed up му
life is,

and тнis вus is eмpту
and sтill driving,
and soмевоdy нasn‘т такеn
тнis seaт nexт то ме,
and мayве,
iт will sтау тнат way

an illusion,
a superior mirage,
one that is complex and
unusual,
is often the most beautiful
of all.
complexity is stronger,
more beautiful and more powerful than you
because you're just
simple and ordinary,
nobody wants that,
nobody wants you.

you would think
a ferris wheel is fun.

you would think
a ferris wheel is romantic.

you would think
a ferris wheel is scary.

but you should know
a ferris wheel is plain stupid.

because it is just a huge wheel,
that spins round and round,
not making a difference.

I wanna get really drunk and tell you all the things I'm too afraid to tell you sober,
and I want you to call me drunk and whisper my name and tell me that you've been in love with me all along but we both know how stubborn i am and how proud you are and we both know that you deleted my phone number a long time ago and you're not planning on calling it any time soon but that's okay,
I'm okay.
I'm fine without you, no matter how much my heart burns and my head aches of your absence and how I find relief in my own puddle of tears, mixed with blood, bled only for you.
You were my sunshine when i wanted rain, and my star when I wanted clouds and I guess I was just the skip of your heartbeat, and just a mere breath taken away,
I still think about kissing you all the time, but it seems to hurt much more now as my hopes turned to cigarette butts and you being mine turned to dust.
I guess you were just the fog polluting the air, and I found it hard to breathe around you, you were the summer rain nobody wanted but I liked summer rains, they washed all my pain away, while the sun was still shining.
Maybe I was just the dirt on your shoes, you cleaned me over and over again, making me disappear and I always came back on rainy days where you accidentally step into a puddle of mud and I'm once again stuck on your shoes.
The frickle of sparkle in your eyes has me thinking and everytime I look myself in the mirror and focus on my dull eyes, all I see is you.
I wonder what kind of thoughts cross your mind every time you lay your eyes on me, and it's so wrong of me to be satisfied with the smile of pity on your face everytime you see me.
And i keep rereading all the sad poems I ever wrote you and it made me realize how much I was in love with you and how that unrequited love is slowly dying and fading away, the wind taking all the dust and broken pieces you left of me and making them sink into the sea.
Maybe this is your way of showing your power, the control you have over me, to brag to your friends about the pathetic girl who is in love with you and sees you through different eyes and finds you eternally fascinating.
And as i look through the window pane of my dad's car while we‘re driving through town, i see you in my own reflection and I see you on the sidewalk holding some other's girl hand and I see you in the moon and all the stars and rushing cars and I can't help it but you're my every thought, you have possesed me and I don't think I'm gonna survive this storm and I'm not even sure that I want to.
You're the fire and flame and I'm just a melted candle under your stare.

you,
unlike mom,
were always calm
and collected.
but you were so
oblivious,
you had no idea what she did
to me,
that monster you loved so much
was so unfair to me,
but you were too clueless to notice.
i can not blame you, dad,
she always put that mask around
you, so you couldn't figure it out,
even if you wanted to.

i cried for a month straight
when you passed away,
and mom was so calm
about it, i don't think
she ever loved you.

but i still love you, dad,
i love you in ways she never could,
i still love you, even though
your feet no longer walk
on this earth.

*and i am sorry, that i turned into
her,
so, so sorry,
i never wanted to
disappoint you,

you would think mothers
supposed to be good and caring
parents,
and i would like to think
that you were an evil monster
that always put me down
and never believe i could
do anything,
well, congratulations,
mom,
you were right and you
won that battle against me,
the one that you fought
for so many years.

thank you, mom,
your assumptions,
-like always- were correct,
and you made me the
monster that i am today.

*i wouldn't want to
be anything else,

it's amazing,
really,
how can you fall
in love with somebody
in such a short
amount of time
and end up loving
them forever,
even though,
you know they will
never be yours and
you'll never be theirs.

his smiling self,
walked through the hotel door,
and greeted his new, innocent
lover who is clueless about his
greedy intentions.

she smiles at him,
as she looks behind his back,
to find another expensive gold
necklace that will soon be around
her bruised neck.

she is still unaware
of his real character,
and who is the man behind
that facade of sophistication.

*but, just like the others, he is just another greedy man with a pile of money, looking for some fun.

he said it was too much,
to keep caring for a worthless girl,
he said it was too hard,
to keep loving her depressed soul,
he said it was too painful,
to keep watching her crumble,
he said it was too irritating,
to keep fighting for her,
and so,
he left with a few
hateful words directed
to her.

**but he never asked
how it was for her,
to deal with a scarred body,
a ****** up mind, and
an empty soul.

and it's five am,
and i should be getting
ready do to something,
anything,
but no,
i decide to
sit on the cold,
white bathroom floor,
with a lit cigarette,
and an empty bottle
of wiskey next
to me,
while in the bedroom,
my lover sleeps peacefully
on the squeaky, messy bed,
and patiently awaits
fot my arrival
back in bed,
which will never come.

i like the way
he smokes his cigarettes,
a puff of smoke
coming out of
his curved lips,
lips that
give me a wicked
smile before
walking away
without a word,
and i am left once
again, imagining
of seeing him again,
and gathering some
courage to tell him
everything,
but that courage
disappears everytime
he appears in front
of me, with another
lit cigarette, and
another wicked smile.

You whisper to me,
"How would you describe us, baby?"
I take a long look at you, eyes filled with desire,
and I say
"You are simply honey,
the one that's raw,
the one that warms your lips and tickles your tongue,
the one whose taste you'll remember, but still long to taste it again 20 years later.
You're the honey that I don't want to, and neither I can, remove from my lips."
You're stuck in between my teeth, love,
sweet and irresistable,
that's what you are.
There's no other honey in the world like you, you know?
Even those dark eyes of yours
resemble a dark colored honey.
They sparkle and dance while you're gazing at mine
and I can't help but smile.
"But, long story short,
this is the way I would describe us:
You? You are the most delicious honey that has ever touched my skin.
And I? I'm just **** allergic."

you are the thought that's etched on my wrist,
you are thought that's engraved in my mind,
you are the thought that's tattooed on my heart,
you are the thought that's occupying my brain,
and there is no escape from you baby,
i want none.

last night i found out that you still hold a cigarette between your lips and i just want to smack your stupid face for not quitting,
but what hurts me even more is that you didn't offer me yours and i have been thinking of buying one pack myself and drowning myself in pity and coughed smoke/

what i hate to admit is that you look even more beautiful with a cigarette between your fingers but i refuse to go back to my old self, to the old me who loved the boy with no heart, with smoke in his lungs instead of air, the boy with charming smile, because he wasn't even real, it was a person my mind had created in hopes he would become even more beautiful than he already was/

but at least i hope you had fun on new years and i'm thankful that some girl's lips weren't pressed against yours at midnight, but i don't love you anymore, so i don't know why i even care/

but even with smoke in his mouth, i knew i wanted to kiss him and savor his taste, which i only had presumptions of-
maybe his tongue was a mixture of mint and hurricane or strawberries and sun kissed rose pedals or maybe chocolate and rain but i felt dizzy and out of place when the realization hit me that i will never find out how his lips tasted and felt against mine/

ignited**
by you
and the love that
you don't give.

police are coming,
and we are high and drunk,
again, with **** in our
pockets and handcuffs on
our ****** wrists,
but i still love you.