I'm exhausted from running,
Away from every stalking fear,
I'm so busy avoiding chances,
I don't have time to stop and see clear,
And although I don't know why,
I'm scared of what well become,
I'm scrambling to keep my distance
but what is there to run away from?
Even with reassurances,
and promises that you won't leave,
I just can't bring myself to give in;
Its just too risky to believe.
I trust you with all of my heart,
and every piece of my soul,
but for some unknown reason,
My heart isnt willing to lose control.
Maybe because ive been hurt before,
and im not eager to relive,
The endless days that would ensue,
Or the damage you could give.
I would love to surrender,
To everything you make feel,
but without a guarantee,
How can I be sure it's real?
The familiar need is coming back,
I'm addicted to your touch,
Which wouldnt be a problem if,
I didnt already care too much.
Sometimes I feel a little too happy
A little too intense
For no particular reason at all
And it scares me
Because I feel like I might explode
That the blood pumping through my heart is building pressure
And I know it is unsustainable
I know that I am burning a little too bright
And I am scared that the world will catch on fire
Or that something will happen to extinguish my light
fingers tapping against your thigh, music note mumblings. subtract everyone else and watch the feeling
disassemble and reassemble the ensemble and allocate your earnings as earnestly as you can without appearing overeager. overhearing a conspiracy between my lips and your neck. a secret isn't a secret unless you whisper it, so do it, make sure the russians don't hear us as they rush off to give reports on that look I just gave you, the one that is oh so telling. reveling in it. living in the revelation of your skin, pouring down your presence like honey, like sweet molasses dripping thick and sweet, simmering under the sun, glimmering in the water like a jewel, jealous and tart, painful and dark and dazzling. beating only in anatomical hearts, out of tune, cacophony and cruel crimson, missing someone not something, left wanting and waning in the light of a lopsided moon, farsighted and fingers that prune in purple light rippling across the walls, willing to travel the planes of your body, embodied travesty traversing the sahara, dunes doomed to be swept away by the wind, breaking and kept away, each grain unable to touch one another more than once, gorgeous enough to be pain, staking your claim on misery before the misers bury it in their own backyards, backwards discovery, a convenient amnesia, believing ruses and runes to decipher in delicate dictum like tricking a language into translating itself.
almost too much of not enough.
What happens when there's too much?
Too much for your mind to handle?
It's all a mess up there,
Everything running faster than they should...
And you, yes you...
Trying to grip the handholds of the slick walls...
Of the well that is your mind...
Of your very consciousness.
Falling, drowning in your overpowering,
Abstractness of your own human mind....
I'll tell you what happens....
the best part starts
when i left you that note
not trying to push on any blame
not trying to say that you never meant anything
but i began to fall apart
and looking into the mirror began to do me no good
the longer i was with you,
the more i lost myself
and it wasn't your fault
that i became too consumed with you
and again, it wasn't your fault
that i lost myself within you
if you can love someone too much
then i loved you too much
maybe there wasn't any "healthy" way to love you
so i have to love you now from afar
for my sake and yours
but mostly for mine
because i miss myself
and all of the pieces i lost trying to love you too much
i couldn't keep dying
just trying to even hold your hand
so the best part starts
when i left you that note
and i went down to the river, alone
for hours, just by myself
and it was lonely, hell it was
but i loved too hard
now i'll do it from afar
Definition of Selfless: Putting others before yourself to the point where "you" don't matter anymore.
Definition of Pain: One of the two things that I believe all people have in common. The other thing? Love.
Definition of Love: --ERROR-- Lost in translation.
Definition of Nothing: Nothing...
Definition of Feeling You've got tons of it don't you?
Definition of Me: A personal title I call myself. Also known as "you" in a sense.
High and mighty and greater than "you".
Because "me", a self proclaimed name that doesn't deserve its definition. Because "I" am hurt, and in "pain", and out of "love", and too "selfless" to take care of "me". So that makes "me"...
I understand now that I am like a plant. You loved me but you always gave me too much water and it was killing me. You thought by doing this you were reassuring my health so that I would stay beautiful but it was just washing me out. You put me in the sunlight as much as possible even though I required low light so my leaves began to wilt and in turn you kept me in the sun longer thinking I wasn’t getting enough of its shine. Eventually you gave up and left me there, giving me water whenever you remembered and I was parched. Because it was either too much or not enough with you and your love. You never paid attention to my needs, only yours. You saw my flowers bloom and admired their beauty but I was never in bloom for long. For once my petals started to drop you were less than interested in me. Was it because I wasn’t as pure? As lovely? Maybe you just couldn’t see down deep enough into my roots to understand what I was really all about. Because I only flowered once every year and honestly I’m surprised I haven’t died yet because you took such poor care of me. The sunlight scorched my greens into a color of brown and as I grew older I finally died and you tried to bring me back with all the care I once needed but it was too late. Not that you really care though considering the only think you miss are my flowers in the spring. So on to the next one you go, and I’d feel bad if I wasn’t already dead inside because the next flower you pick won’t last as long as I, because the only reason I chose to stay alive is because I thought my life was worth living till it didn’t feel like living anymore.
Rush these days
of restless pacing
of watching the clock
with an anxious heart
waiting to seek reassurance
through your hands
laced with mine
These seconds away pass too slowly
and the hours with you
pass too soon
and I think too much
maybe I care too much...
- written 12.15.16