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May 8 · 940
Bullet Holes
Ten because nine isn't enough
Violence because we never learned how to love
Searched for forgiveness, now we search for blood
Couldn't reach an understanding so we're reaching for the gun
Shoot it ten times because nine isn't enough
05.04.2022
I stared at the wound as it stayed open
Gave up hope that it would ever close
Stood up, sighed
Walked away feeling resigned
To accept the pain as a part of me
Not wanting it anymore and yet not regretting it
Simply wishing it did not hurt
And would not become infected
As it lay exposed, bare before the world

As I kept walking, life fell in
Swept me away in a way love never could
Yet love was a part of the whole
Life grew larger
The world grew smaller
Memories grew in number
While friendships grew in meaning
And as what I knew grew exponentially,
Our time together grew more blurry
Our separation I understood more
As I thought about it less

What I thought were stones of foundation
Turned out to be forming just the windows
Set aside for now, one day to be dusted off and placed in the house that is my life
Shedding light on parts of myself I discovered through loving and leaving you

I find myself conquering the greatest fear I had when we parted,
That I would one day look back and call it young love,
Robbing it of what it truly was to me—real love, deep love, lasting.
It would be untrue, unjust to minimize it
To reduce it to a cliche, to call it a coming of age
I feared I would try to disguise it to somehow lessen the pain
I didn't realize the possibility that our love may become smaller
Not from my efforts to minimize it,
But because I would grow around it

I underestimated God
I underestimated myself
I'm not going back and changing the story to make it go down sweeter
Saying now that you didn't really know me then to make it feel a little neater
You did know me
I did love you
Our love was not small in the world we shared
It was the greatest love I had known
And now, now I no longer live in that world
Our love did not shrink
I have grown

Where did that wound go?
03.25.2022
Feb 11 · 908
Redefined
I didn't want to end it
Because I didn't want to have weak love
I thought that's what love meant then
Putting in ninety when you gave ten
Till my sister said, "Girl, not for months on end,
Babe you gotta cut the thread.
You can still love him but you can't invest."
And man I needed that
02.2022
Feb 11 · 1.0k
Whole Heart
When my daughter asks
If I ever loved a man before I met her dad
I will tell her yes
I loved with all my twenty one year old whole heart had
And I'll tell her that it's grown since then
02.2022
Feb 11 · 772
Good Bye
I took the time, sat with the sting of it
A whole year to process and grieve it
Sort through the feelings of watching you repeat it
With a girl that looked like my sequel

A year goes by and you're back on a flight
She's not there and you ask yourself why
I wonder if I came to mind

Baby, why didn't you grieve us
I went to the funeral and was the only one giving speeches
I love the way we tried
I love the way we shared such good years of our lives
I'll try again and I
Know someday I'll get it right
But it starts with saying good bye
02.2022
Apr 2021 · 869
Paintbrush
colette alexia Apr 2021
Paint your ink all over me
We’ll see how things go eventually
But I think I’m drawn to the way you breathe
To the way you see me

Pick me up like your paintbrush
Like a habit you’ve had though we just met last month
Now all I’m thinking ‘bout is us

We’ll get lost in conversation
The world’s so hurt but maybe we could change it
You know I’m drawn to the way you think
To the way we dream

Pick me up like your paintbrush
You know just how to hold me with the softest touch
And still make me feel so much
04.13.2021
Apr 2021 · 1.5k
Swept
colette alexia Apr 2021
Is fifteen days too soon?
I think I might be starting to fall for you.
04.14.2021
Apr 2021 · 969
Glow
colette alexia Apr 2021
With all the glow
Of San Francisco
Lighting up your face
Highlighting in lightning
Every word you say
I heard it then
Clear as day
“Something’s coming.”
Don’t forget it
Don’t you dare neglect it
And by God may you never try to perfect it
Apr 2021 · 542
The Edge of Something New
colette alexia Apr 2021
Standing on the precipice
Admiring the view
Knowing fully well
What stepping forward blindly will do
He said, “What’s your favorite color?”
And I said, “You.”
4.09.2021
Mar 2021 · 847
A Letter to a Friend
colette alexia Mar 2021
You say they didn't owe you anything
But they owed you human decency
Commitment or not, they owed respect to your dignity
To feel hurt doesn't say anything of fragility
It speaks of your strength to access vulnerability
You are not naive for getting involved
For trying to plant hope in a soul who had none
Your sensitivity should not be a target for deceit
I admire your boldness to share your beliefs
To take your heart off the shelf where it had been healing
To see the light that darkness works so hard concealing
When you were younger you used to be so cautious
Afraid to love in case that you lost it
I'm glad you took the risk, though you feel exhausted
I'm glad you freed your heart from the cage it was locked in
But you used to have such high standards, I think you've forgotten
That you deserve more than to be left feeling unwanted
You fear that your expectation is unreachable
But is it possible it exists, you've just yet to meet them
Your fear to hope and your fear to be alone
In a never ending struggle at each others' throats
You've always worked for the things that you want
Enjoyed the process of overcoming a difficult start
In life and relationships always willing to work hard
Don't be so addicted to the battle you seek war in your heart
Being enticed by a challenge won't get you very far
You're afraid if its too easy that it can't be trusted
If you don't have to work for it, how do you know that you want it?
But some things can't be won over, no matter how diligent
No matter the age, the timing, or distance
Your love can't be heard by someone who won't listen
So you can keep on being afraid
As long as you commit to always be brave
And know that what you have to say is worth saying
The love you have to give is worth all the waiting
And will one day lead you to someone amazing
2.28.2021
Dec 2020 · 1.7k
Black Flag
colette alexia Dec 2020
My hopes were higher than the tide was
10.2020
Dec 2020 · 1.4k
wonderful
colette alexia Dec 2020
I just want to kiss you again
Feel the closeness of your face and the pressure of your lips
When you touched them to my forehead and gently just left them
Because you were in no rush and it felt somehow protective
I want to look in your eyes and kiss your laugh lines
I want you to hold me and say stay a while
To feel the ridge on your tongue where you bite it too much
Be overwhelmed by the security and the warmth of your touch
Was it as captivating for you, do you feel the same glow
You said that it was slow, that it was wonderful
Only two days in my life that I've kissed you
How many more will I miss you
12.1.2020
Nov 2020 · 539
Trade Off
colette alexia Nov 2020
The head is more easily understood than the heart
One person in control
Things are clearer
No love
Two careers
11.20.2020
Nov 2020 · 384
dreams
colette alexia Nov 2020
I try not to write songs about my children
Because I'm afraid one day I'll have to listen
Back to the tracks
Of the dreams I had
Over an empty glass
In an empty kitchen
11.16.2020
Nov 2020 · 408
Contingency
colette alexia Nov 2020
Invited and welcomed to a seat at the table
Navigating the gift of a life that you paid for
Wouldn't it be easier to be told which way is best
Would I trust the decision more if it didn't come from my chest
Or would it come to tears, me blaming you for the heartache
Is the lesson better learned from my own mistakes
Safeguarded on every side
Walking in the favor that you will provide
But planning long term for a future that may not exist
I''m no longer sure I can justify it
Here we are and I've finally found the root of it
Conflicting desires with the power to ruin
The question on which all else is contingent
What do I want
And what do I want to live with?
11.2020
Nov 2020 · 837
Unfinished
colette alexia Nov 2020
Two world travelers, one small town
Unfinished people, unfinished house
More thoughts in my head than I should probably say out loud

Sitting there at your kitchen table
Writing backstories for all your neighbors
Talking about the things that we want to be famous for

Funny how I barely know ya
Sitting there in your Patagonia
Envisioning a world with the both of us
10.2020
Nov 2020 · 706
Crossfire
colette alexia Nov 2020
Caught in the crossfire of two men's love
Insecure, selfish, and helpless
Only my blood
10.2020
Nov 2020 · 433
Easy
colette alexia Nov 2020
Why is it so easy for me
To miss people
11.02.2020
Oct 2020 · 205
No Excuse
colette alexia Oct 2020
I drove past the block you live on
It's not my fault, it's by favorite spot
I have no excuse why I pulled in the parking lot
10.12.2020
Oct 2020 · 514
Reunited
colette alexia Oct 2020
Windows down
I'm back in town
Ocean in my hair it's only been an hour
Laugh and cry drives friends talking 'bout our lives now
Favorites play off the LANY album
10.12.2020
Sep 2020 · 567
Used To
colette alexia Sep 2020
You’re like the last part of fall
When the leaves all fall off
When the good part’s gone
Who you used to be was so fun

The thrills of new seasons come and go
And all you’re left with is the cold
Without the magic of the snow
Who you used to be was so good

When everything has turned to grey
Without the peace that comes from rain
When all the colors fade away
Who you used to be was so great
9.14.2020
Sep 2020 · 486
Replaced
colette alexia Sep 2020
Take her to LA
Take her to our favorite places
Tell me do the city lights look different
Now that they’re up against her silhouette

Stopping under red lights
Tell me do you still take the time
To lean over and kiss her like you used to
Or does it just remind you of me and you
08.24.2020
Sep 2020 · 258
Lessons
colette alexia Sep 2020
I hope you never make a promise
Before you realize what the cost is
And you learn how to make amends

I hope for her sake that you're honest
When you've lost it
And you never try to force a feeling

I hope I never minimize
The dreams I've always had inside
Just to make a man feel taller

I'm thankful and I sympathize
The years I had you by my side
You never tried to make me feel smaller

And still, our distance just grew farther
And still, loving you grew harder
0.8.24.2020
Sep 2020 · 941
New Memories
colette alexia Sep 2020
I'll give this dress a new occasion
Maybe then it won't feel so painful
When I see you with her again

I'll fill these picture frames that are vacant
With new memories you haven't tainted
And I'll convince myself you've changed

I'll plan a new trip to San Diego
So I no longer think about graduation
When our families went on vacation

I'll walk away from the future that we painted
Redirect my destination
And I'll watch you become a stranger
08.31.2020
Aug 2020 · 582
Jealous
colette alexia Aug 2020
Jealous of a person that I don't even know
Angry with the person that let me go
I hardly recognize who I am anymore
Never have I harbored this much bitterness before

Walk me through the differences between me and her
Like walking the whole distance California to Virginia
A task so vast it seems insurmountable
Tell me what it means to you to promise things in double

Do you take her to the same places you and I would go
The thought of her tainting our lookout is enough to make me burn
Take her hammocking in our tree in the park close to school
At galaxie view remember when it was my body lying next to you

West Beach, Thousand Steps, Newport 56
Huntington, Laguna, San Diego for a switch
There is nothing new you possibly could do
Drive the whole coast searching, but you and I did that too

I hope I drive her crazy
I honestly hope she hates me
I hope I cause you lots of problems because your dreams still portray me
Realizing on the daily how you mistakenly betrayed me

I hope when you're with her you feel haunted with regret
I hope the thrill falls flat and conversation lies dead
And you walk away painfully aware
Of the fact that what we had was rare

Not every girl can take the late night thoughts you gave me
If you write her paragraphs past midnight
Then you're downright ******* crazy
Playing house with every person who is duped into the role play

If anyone asks, jealousy made me
08.31.2020
Aug 2020 · 477
Love
colette alexia Aug 2020
Take me to New York
Take me to the tallest tower
Even just to show me how far I’d fall
Tell me did you know how far I'd fall?

Swimming in the ocean
Seeing how your eyes reflect the sun
Forever didn’t seem like enough time
Till you watched me sink below that water line

Back then when I knew you
Back when it was clear what your intention was
Back then everything made sense because
We were in love
8.29.2020
Aug 2020 · 556
Repeated Mistakes
colette alexia Aug 2020
It couldn’t have been more predictable
That you fell for her
And everybody knows
And I’ll let it go
But it still hurts

You’ve really got a thing for us Midwest girls
And distance
Which you chose
Though you and I
Could never make it work
08.24.2020
Aug 2020 · 385
A Better Fit
colette alexia Aug 2020
Maybe she's a better fit
Maybe you can handle it
Because maybe her dreams aren't quite as big

Maybe she's a better fit
Maybe you won't hold against
Me how easy it is to fall for friends

Maybe she's a better fit
Maybe this is for the best
And she'll teach you things that I couldn't

Maybe she's a better fit
Maybe I needed this
To see her in my place so I could love again

Maybe she's a better fit
Maybe you and I weren't it
But I'll always believe that we were worth the risk
08.24.2020
Aug 2020 · 1.1k
Rare
colette alexia Aug 2020
I can see the pattern now as time goes on
To you I was reduced to just another blonde
But it took me twenty years to finally love someone
And I don't think you realized how rare that was
08.24.2020
Aug 2020 · 2.7k
Privilege
colette alexia Aug 2020
Maybe you’re right, maybe it isn’t.
Maybe it isn’t a crime you committed,
But watching you silently reap the benefits of privilege
Is damaging your witness
And I wonder if you’ve considered it
8.22.2020
Aug 2020 · 227
Hoping to Stop Hoping
colette alexia Aug 2020
For a hopeful person
Learning to stop hoping was the hardest
It’s difficult to let it die
Once the hope has started

I’d only seen hope be good
Its possibilities are endless
The possibility it could not foresee
Was the reality that you and I had ended

Now instead of always seeing
What you and I are not
I pray that one day I’ll see you clearly
And I hope this hope with stop
08.20.2020
Aug 2020 · 577
Slow Down
colette alexia Aug 2020
The rain fell, pitter-pat
To the earth below
Taking its time getting there
Knowing it only had one place to go

It whispered, “There is time to spare.”
So I listened to the stories it told
Its quiet assurance, its steady pace
Calmed my weary soul

The cover of clouds a welcome blanket
Providing my eyes a much needed break
From the light that blinds and pushes me
To go from the moment I wake

All this to say I love the sun
And the growth that comes with its days
But I will never love or grow as much
As I do on the days that it rains
08.18.2020
Aug 2020 · 325
Baby Girl
colette alexia Aug 2020
I can’t wait for the day I hear your little heart beat
I can’t wait to play with your two tiny feet
Or to hold you and watch as you start to fall asleep
How much joy you’ve already brought
By just being who you are
You’re doing such a wonderful job staying snuggled safe and warm
I hope you feel welcome to always be yourself
Knowing we will always be contented
After all you haven’t even taken a breath
And our hearts have already melted
I thought the best thing your mother has brought to me
Was her loving loyalty and friendship
Then she told me she’s expecting you
And my whole perspective shifted
Not only her, now also you, my heart exploded at the mention
Of the possibility to know and love two Muñoz women
08.14.2020
Aug 2020 · 525
Him
colette alexia Aug 2020
Him
Like looking for a song that hasn’t been written
I’m looking for a love that hasn’t yet existed
I don’t know who, how, or when
But I know I can’t wait to meet him
08.10.2020
Aug 2020 · 422
August
colette alexia Aug 2020
August, my friend, how are you?
Our time together often seems so short.
You always hold new beginnings,
New stages of life, real chapter turns.
I’m sorry I never quite noticed before
The adventure that you bring, all you have in store.
Looking back to see when it was that things became hard,
It seems it’s always August where the growth really starts.
So busy changing I never looked up to see the progress
Or to notice the timeline tracing faithfully back to August.
Without fail you’ve always pushed me.
This year it is no different.
August do I really have to wait a whole year
Before I see you again?
08.13.2020
Aug 2020 · 301
Outgrown
colette alexia Aug 2020
I didn’t think that you were something
I could grow out of
But our love
Doesn’t fit us
Anymore
08.12.2020
Aug 2020 · 1.7k
Left for the Summer
colette alexia Aug 2020
I knew him 63 days
We'd been together for five
But he was never one to be afraid to speak his mind

He told me that he loved me that drive
Taking me home for the summer
That we'd spend apart each night

He said he loved the way I kissed him
We started out over long distance, I tried so hard to make sense of it
The way my heart was feeling things without my permission

It's funny now to talk about those first days
When we couldn't hang out because of your roommate
You asked him how he'd feel about you taking me out on a date

We went to the sunset but we didn't watch it
Too busy talking with our hands on each other
It was clear to me then that we were in trouble

You said I'm the only girl that you'd called baby
I said you're the first guy that I let taste me
I don't even know what we were really saying

I had one hand in your hair and one on your chest
You looked at me and said you didn't want nobody else
I said don't say it if you don't mean it

I knew on the day you picked me up from the airport
In your ripped blue jeans and your dark, black t-shirt
You were someone that I actually cared for

We were both young, but you were younger
Something that I often even forgot of
Must have been the way you talked to my father

Or maybe what you said when you left for the summer
5.10.2018
Aug 2020 · 693
A New Day
colette alexia Aug 2020
In the first rays of sun warming my shoulders
In the crisp air that brushes my cheeks
In the colors of dawn reflecting on the water
I take a breath and feel that I too am renewing
8.8.2020
Aug 2020 · 4.7k
Photographer
colette alexia Aug 2020
Erase my face from your page
Edit me out of the life you portray
But the pictures of you left
Baby I took them

I watched your life up close
Sat on the front row
Never thought I'd just be
Your photographer

I used to be the spark
I used to steal your heart
You were a flash so bright
When life got dark

I used to be your moon
Your sunset too
Would've spent my life
Making you see how I see you

Now my only role
Now my only role
Now my only role
Was your photographer
08.08.2020
Aug 2020 · 953
Thank You
colette alexia Aug 2020
For all the things you took
I think you gave much more
This I will always have
That I have known love before

I thank both you and myself
For letting you in
Not a day goes by
I wish that I didn’t

The only thing worse
Than feeling love’s loss
Would be to have left this life
Not knowing love at all
08.06.2020
Aug 2020 · 427
Trailblazer
colette alexia Aug 2020
Pen to paper
I need a new muse
Reclaim what I love
So it’s no longer about you
Stop all these thoughts
Dead in their tracks
Trail blaze some new ones
That don’t take me back
I’ll grab the flashlight
And summon my courage
This might not come easily
But it will be worth it
Things might get dark
I won’t pretend it won’t be hard
But one day at a time
I’ll carve with ink new vessels to this heart
08.04.2020
Aug 2020 · 1.0k
Hope
colette alexia Aug 2020
I've built you up in my head
I think I love you more now than I ever did
Curse of a hopeful person
In the form of a hopeless romantic
8.02.2020
Aug 2020 · 396
Disappoint
colette alexia Aug 2020
I think about calling you
But I know it would only disappoint
“Hey, what’s up—your friends not home?
Why are you calling me on the phone?”
I’d lie and say I just had time to waste
Went from my safest place to saving face
And it’s sad
Sad I no longer know you like that
7.2020
Jul 2020 · 525
New Scene
colette alexia Jul 2020
I'll reinvent myself
Doesn't mean I'm trying to be someone else
Just because you haven't seen
This side of me
It feels good, it feels clean
Even if it feels a little foreign to me
Your fingerprints aren’t all over everything
07.25.2020
Jul 2020 · 471
Our Song
colette alexia Jul 2020
Turned the radio off
When breakup songs came on
Because you couldn’t face the fact
That they sounded like us
7.2.20
Jun 2020 · 364
Secrets
colette alexia Jun 2020
I didn't know my steps would show that deeply
I didn't know they would be so permanent
For everyone to see

Looking for a place without any people
But the more I look, the more I see them
So I turned around

What is the meaning of a line if you don't know who drew it?
Can it really break your heart if you never really knew them?
I don't know

If I have my heart, you can't break it
But if I want to give it to you I've already committed it
Heart break, isn't that a sad way to die?

Why are you running?
It's like you're racing the ocean to the other side
Don't you know it's already there, you've fallen behind

What's the point of trying to win a race that is lost?
Don't tell me you don't believe in miracles
Because they're all we've got

If you wake up every morning to run away from the same thing
After turning back yesterday, admitting defeat,
Is it really worth it? It sounds so miserable

But I wake up every day trying not to love you
Hoping one day I'll lose feelings as completely as I lost you
I believe in miracles so one day it will be true

What's everybody running from?
Sure you don't want to tell your secrets, that's alright I can read them In your footsteps
2012
Jun 2020 · 869
Cheers
colette alexia Jun 2020
Here's to you potential and all of your prospects
The future you don't want me to be a part of
It's a lot harder
Getting started
I'm letting go of so much more than you it seems
Letting go of a million possibilities
The dreams I had for you and me
06.2020
Jun 2020 · 335
The Saddest Thing
colette alexia Jun 2020
Did you ever imagine
That this would be our legacy
Not the laughter
Not the love
Not the California dream
But the saddest thing to happen to me
04.2020
Jun 2020 · 250
Potential
colette alexia Jun 2020
My father told me not to waste my heart
On a man's potential to one day become a work of art
You have to love them just as they are
06.17.2020
Jun 2020 · 406
Miss Trust
colette alexia Jun 2020
You’ve obviously proven that you can’t be trusted
Said our love’s forever until you had enough of it
Left to convince myself you’re not coming back
Like I convinced myself of the love you had
06.10.20
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