Get up off your thinking chair
and ski-doo all your blues away
Drive a cold heart through a snow drift
Realize that the static's too blurry
to rationalize through the fake
So don't look for clues, junior
The facts of life are that sitcoms
are no way to base a future
So all I can do is find breathtaking views
and write words that ought to be listened to
by people kneeling in pews

My emotions feel synthetic
Fake feelings from a fake persona that I crafted to please you
If only I could live for myself
But I'm acting in a play
One without an audience
So who am acting for?
In those moments alone where I wail Who am I doing this for?
Constantly reinventing myself
But why?
I wish I could be free of this theatre
I hunger for the curtains to close
For the blazing lights to dim
And to sense the silent applause
Die out.

It was a curve I was traversing
All the while I kept on cursing.
On the way to be someone they would love
Ignoring the grey clouds above.
In an instant the bubble popped
My armor dropped.
I had poured my heart out
But they still thought I was screaming loud.
I couldn’t hear my voice
Because it got subdued in the noise.
There I stood alone
Heard a crack in my bone.
I thought I was crumbling
But I turned around and started running
It was a curve I was traversing
It did not seem new
They used to fake-sing my praises
Now they talk about me in closed rooms.
I saw the sky turning blue.
They didn’t believe me then
They don’t believe me now
I reinvented myself
But still it wasn’t enough somehow.

Pen to paper
I need a new muse
Reclaim what I love
So it’s no longer about you
Stop all these thoughts
Dead in their tracks
Trail blaze some new ones
That don’t take me back
I’ll grab the flashlight
And summon my courage
This might not come easily
But it will be worth it
Things might get dark
I won’t pretend it won’t be hard
But one day at a time
I’ll carve with ink new vessels to this heart

you threw me far flung
away from myself,
an act of hate and fear.

but it feels good
i have to say,
to look at myself
objectively from this point
so far from the beginning.

i am on the outskirts,
looking back at myself
with love,
and a dedication
to walk through
this new fire,
in an effort
to make myself even
bigger than before.

i’ve always been on a
mission to reinvent myself

a mission expressed through
spreadsheets, guitars
powerpoints, paintbrushes
fabric, calculator buttons
bright colors of yarn
coffee and flowers
smiles at strangers
and always words

here and there
then and again
i’ve found myself satisfied
with who i found myself
to be at the end
of the week

i thought things were
on the upswing
thought that i had
almost made it
for two months this year
i was satisfied

with fifty six hour work weeks
and the bright blue blanket
forming under my fingers
the feeling of hope
brewing when i looked in
my bank account and thought
about him
about the home
that wasn’t ours yet but
would be soon

and then it began
to crumble
a brick or two at
a time until a whole
piece of the picture
tumbled out

and my weeks were reduced
to thirty five hours and
a crippling sense of
impending disaster
even though everything else
was still looking up

now that i have a
bit of extra time i find
myself low on motivation
and wondering
if it’s time to build
a new version of myself

but i’ve reinvented myself
so many times
i don’t have the energy
to do it again

i just want to
exist

just want to fall
asleep in bed at the
end of the day and
not wake up in the morning
wanting to sleep
for the rest of the day

to enjoy moving
my body
the way the
seasons change
and how the stars
look at night

i’ve always been good
at staying
you just keep doing
what you’ve been doing
let your routines pull
you along with them

but now i’m learning
the art of leaving
and i’m finding its not
as hard as i thought it was

in fact you might
even think
of it as almost
freeing

the leaving
behind of what’s
gotten too
familiar
the option to
reinvent

past leavings
have hurt
left me reeling
on cold floors
fighting to get air
into my lungs

but this time
the leaving is
quiet
barely noticeable
in the chilly
morning dew
as i let myself
slip away
under the gray sky
that hasn’t yet
realized it’s hanging
over a lost town

and i don’t feel pain
only the slightest
twinge of
bittersweet nostalgia

i’m not going
to reinvent myself
this time
i’m going to
exist
and somewhere
along the line
i think maybe
it’s myself
that i’ll find

Finding What Was Lost                          1/12/19

I’m searching for something I’ve lost. You can’t help me look for it.
I can’t quite remember what I did with it. This thing that seems to elude me.
How could I misplace something so important?

I became complacent, that’s what happened.
What was an intrinsic part of me, not nurtured, left me abandoned.
If I call to it, it does not come like a puppy who has escaped the yard with its tail tucked in between his legs.
I have to show what I’ve lost, that it is of value to me.

“Hello?” please come back. I swear I’ll do better, and work harder than I ever have.
I know now that my existence is meaningless without this part of me.

Realizing this, I reach into the dark places of my mind for the light switch to flip on.
Recalling every detail about what I love to do, nurturing what gives me purpose.

Because, in the end, only I can fulfill this need.  
Reinventing, transforming, and evolving. Finding myself along to way.
Becoming a better version of what I was and, in doing that, embrace me.
Hello soul.

By.
Randy McPeek