It's after midnight
And I'm listening to The Doors
And I think in Jim Morrison's symphony -
I'm a Rider On The Storm
With People who Are Strange
But I say, "Hello, I Love You, can you tell me your name?"
I beg them to Light My Fire
But they don't even try...
How long will I try to Break On Through To The Other Side?
Love Me Two Times, before I say I'm goin' away
But maybe I don't have to feel lonely
As long as there is good music out there
Memories revolving in my mind,
The world spinning but I stay stationary in thought ,
Good or not
Nothing to distract as white noise and the ring of silence submerges me,
Voices screaming a thousand things,
Full of doubt and negativity
Sentences exploding like wildfires
Every word feeding oxygen into the flames,
My conscience constantly filled with this chaos,
Do I dive into the flames or finally take the shot?
Hesitation with an ivory grip,
Over analyzed contemplation
Meets hesitation till finally the metal trigger slips and click.
Take another spin?
i still rise, startled
in the middle of the night.
trying to rub
your thought off my eyes
wiping away toxic tears,
in the mornings darker than nights.
i always wonder for how long?
will i sing your song?
for i'm lost somewhere unknown,
far, far away from home...
O' dusk gloomy!
Don't frighten me now!
Will you let me come home,
by the onset of the dark night??
O' Night darkly!
Don't keep me wide awake!
Will you let me merge within,
to resurrect into sunny bright??
O' stars sparkly!
Don't hide behind the cloud!
Will you decorate my darkness,
to glitter the sky with your sight??
O' Moon loony!
Don't play hide and seek!
When will you comeback,
to fill my heart with delight??
O' Time fleetly!
Don't keep me waiting!
When will you heal my soul,
and fill me with white light??
O' Life floaty!
Don't keep me chasing!
The day we will unite,
I shouldn't die of inner fight??
All is so cold under the moonlight
Each snowflake twinkles on this night
On every last unit which falls to us nearer
Beams of light reflect between flakes like a mirror
The celestial powder inspires an anguished soul
To harden, to shatter, to crumble as a whole
And in the next spring the earth devours the snow
From that sorry inspiration, young roses will grow
fourth day without prozac and i can feel the ancient thoughts of 'pre-medication' time settling themselves back into the holes they chewed out of my brain.
writing this about myself makes me feel selfish. a part of me is telling myself that i am me and all i am is Me meaning my thoughts consist mostly of me but the part of me that had moved back in after being evicted is shouting
'selfish, self absorbed'
and I am confused
because if i am being Me- and me being my thoughts- is selfish
does that mean that I am selfish? Therefore, I am unworthy? Of what, the dusty thoughts are shaking themselves and reminding me exactly what it is i am not worth and i begin to feel ill because it has been so long and now all these first person pronouns are making me (again) feel conflicted i have to use them in order to write my thoughts but my thoughts are telling me not to and i am confused i do not want to be ME i feel as if i'm going mad and i want to dissociate completely but i hate it but i also dont and these stupid pronouns are something so simple yet they are making me lose control and i hate myself why cant I control Myself
I Me Myself My
i got something you aren't ready
to hear just yet.
it comes in ash and that's the only way
i know how to present it.
my hands stay covered in midnight
and you sleep through dawn.
you sleep and sleep while
i lose track of time.
has it been four hours now
this lost longing. this familiar ache.
selective amnesia? yeah.
yeah, that sounds about right.
don't call it a "game,"
"waiting patiently until
the roof caves in. until we become
something not you, not even i
your lips so soft and eyes so green
your smile is reeler than i've ever seen
band t-shirts and skinny jeans
we feel so old but we're just sixteen
it's dark outside but there's hope in our hearts
the silent rain is a work of art
midnight sky's full of moonlight and stars
we keep on dreaming 'cause the night is ours