Why does everyone try to "Not upset" me? What the ****? What's wrong with being upset? If I don't hurt, How do you ever expect me To deal with it? To learn from it? To grow as a person? I know you're trying to protect me, But here's the thing: STOP I'm a big girl I can deal with it It's really okay I know how to cry.
Just stop Stop guarding me Stop speaking for me Stop trying to protect me I know you love me, But my weakness is your fault So, please I'm begging Leave me alone With my hurts And let me fail So that maybe On my own I can heal right For once.
If you try to protect me forever, I'm only going to grow to hate you.
My king of hearts my twin soul of old he wrote he "dreamt that he was a racoon eating a piece of corn with a vicarious lady wearing a black mask over her eyes!" but he was wrong about me I killed no racoon for his fur! No rich man for his wealth! No aborted child out of malice It was medical advice! just for that belief alone, he lost me I lived in a dead calmness for in childhood trauma the brain blocks traumatic events although a clever brain's, protective mechanism, inability to examin ones life timely derrails life's true destiny to a place not worth it's living **** and pain. Until I woke up, becoming aware saved me. I slowly have healed I love who I was born to be born a star seed says my Mayan callendar! Always flowering! Proud of who my parents were glad enemies are all distant and faint memories! This my healing art I share, I love to be free to choose companionship or total independance! My past doesn't hold me back loving others ever. I am cautious of who I trust to love! I am glad my loved ones came along. Glad my unprovoqued enemy's darkness fades in my spirit's light, their malice no longer hinder me. As for one beloved still glued in mind from my past, who loved me back, If i just didn't find another matching twinsoul, to share my character's intellectual broadness, being very sellective doesn't mean one is stuck in any past! Such norrow minded form of criticism for being unmarried, is an **** and unfair thinking by the quick judging few. I had an interesting past with cruel greedy sick people and many can benefit from my trips to **** and back without having to go there themselves! But only few gifted intellectuals venture to learn from people like me or surely from you too! with your own experiences If I get any pains from my past I find healing joy from the spontaneous gentle smile of babes cradled in their Moms embrace the joyful toddler looking straight into my eyes, smiling with sweetest dancing eyes looking at me and quickly to his Moms eyes skanning for assurance and safety as I smile back at the precious innocent true smile of a child Ahhh! If only we all could embrace our inner child's spirit soul to truly connect with grown ups heart to heart without any expectation or hidden agendas with just the spirits beauty of a baby's smile smiling back ever so happily and content.
Thanks for reading Sincearely its an honor to share my innercore with the best of earth's intellectual society of great poets. ~~~~~ By: Karijinbba All rights reserved. Revised 03-13-2019
Your opinion comments loves and likes are apreciated.
My old true love rdd=PC wrote this poem to me on HP. ~~~~~ "I fall in love." "Death would be liberating but I wouldn't suggest jumping off a cliff" NO "And for the life of me I hold on to shaddy realities, and an odd feeling of never being enough."
"I don't know what will happen"
IT IS ALL OUT OF MY HANDS
IT'S ALL OUT OF TIME" ~~~~ ( my spontaniety of first thought) my response 2018 is:
I fall in love. and dearest true love of yore from your holy hands all your love for me right into mine has fallen precious twin flame and here with me love won't die nor can unconditional love in my hands ever perish
true love needs not be liberated as no TREASON ever existed you just got me ALL WRONG!
And since when orphanes in protective custudy hiding for their life after Feds and murderers buchered her family and loved ones in childhood throughout sdolecence years is a criminal instead of a victim? On a faulty witness protection program forcing victim to live as an exiled fugitive?? due to a horrendous liss of life
You simply didn't know me for the task you and your brother assigned to me and isn't it treason on your part to abandon an amnesic loved one only because it wasn't written in an old script? some lovers being in love feeling betrayed and hurting do jump off a cliff like you did. Still others jump into amnesic shocks becoming like I did DEATH CALM! I don't recomment either one! both are equally distructive forms of living in denial. foolish ways to end a heartbreaking tragedy.
We were so identical twin flames from the inside thinking modes both feeling so small and never enough for each other!
And both so brightly colored in the outside with Gs light very rare occurance a triumph for the finding worth the fame intended worth the pain of defeat endured for the best can only be bought at the cost of great pain and sacrifice!! my pain went to sleep in an amnesic transformative shock I have always loved you and as you see I did jump! Right into 'death' and 'knife'
Read my birth chart both Death and Knife remain a blessing and a curse to me such mystery but both protecting me just the same! two protective mechanisms per the Mayan calendar
Death saving me from 'death' and knife'cutting' through my pain a cold ice blade there transforming me Death Calm and silent! I am not insensitive I feel love death needs not be liberating my soul knowing true love will rest in peace with some regrets I promised our unborn childten that no love fame nor great fortune would be greater then the love I feel for them all and I kept my painful promise but it was the end of me
In your eyes I must have shrank smallest yet misunderstood I go unless you read me here on HP the final fronteer unless you read my memoir but we are both running out of time lovers die in more ways than jumping off cliffs
precious love thank you for loving me it hurt me very deeply to let you go so long ago I am the woman who loves you the most in this whole wide world I could have given my life for just one day though to have understood you to have known what to do what not to do, where to go, where not to go, what to say, what not to say. what to think and what not to! i didn't understand you! so I feared you I couldn't fight every greedy jealous woman for your love as the left behind forgive me please beloved I felt too small and worthless
I had no idea anyone on earth would love me much less enough as to jump of a cliff to hurt that much for my life to benefit as new Eve even changing earth with you a worlds new adam Back then
I sincerely did not understand what you had planed to do after our loss Life had only taught me to feel insignificantly tini especially when being taunted mistreated and challenged abandonement syndrome was my demise your mind games and head riddles smothered my dreams of you me for us
loving you more than I loved myself was understood very well that's what life had taught me to do to let go of everything I ever loved the most when all life did was take chunks of my family and my life. You were life's reward to me without you by my side I became speechless Dead Calm stump like on Mothers day.
'sorry' can't depict the black hole that has swallowed you and me apart nor pain depict the bottomless pit that living without you is
I too fell into my death heartbroken as you announced a JaneHilton freeway driving in oposite directions was agony when in your letter you wrote you had a wife!
I fell into the abyss and I died I was only nineteen then
Then came **** getting me stranded at the fork road all the way to **** Greece
smily kind penpal demons helped me up a plane ticket
two in all even married me not to avert authorities of my impending death with their treacherous agendas IT WAS ALL STAGED as was much of my life on earth.
I am glad we met glad we loved each other near or far in Gs hands we both are.
excerpt from my Memoar written throughout my life.
"You are my moon Which keeps me company When I am alone With my thoughts at night."
I remember your eyes lighted up when you said that. I remember the feeling I felt the night you said that.
And I also remember The days you turned into a cocoon. The nights where I only focused My lights for you; to keep you warm. So you wouldn't feel no harm.
Then you came out of the shell that kept you hostage. Right away, as you were free, you asked about your age. I whispered that you weren't as old as you thought you were. You sighed in blue, changed your color, and stopped your prayer.
But I am still the moon Floating with my tune. So don't reach me with your balloon, Just stay there in your dune.
every day i wake up, i choose to safeguard my heart. it floats in a smooth jelly, easily penetrable. but each day, i form a glass jar within, to encase my fragile *****, that feels love and pain, so passionately.
if i let you in, and you shatter the glass, please pay close attention. don't let the shards, pierce my heart. the bleeding will not be, short-lived. the blood will spill out, endlessly.
Why can't you just let go of all fear and thoughts holding you back from what you crave and seek the most? The very thing that you've been longing for that has entered your life a little while back and still loves everything that is YOU? She only wants the best for you.. Even if it means your happiness doesn't include her.
You're such a prize to behold. You're her favorite word, her favorite thought and memory, and the dream she goes back to every night.
When she thinks all is lost, the thought of you and the many remarkable things about you remind her why she should keep going. She would fight for you and unconditionally love you day through night.
Your absence is never easy for her. Every second away from you continuously causes her heart to break and bury itself into the ground. The longer you two keep distant, the more it will hurt. The memory of you starts to fade after a while. All there is to remember you by is the happiness she feels when she thinks about you, the love she has.
No matter how fearful you are, take that bold move and show her your appreciation for everything she's done. She deserves so much for everything she sacrifices. And it's all for you.
She is protective of you as a mother is protective of her children. She imagines you in horrible tragedies and always imagines herself fighting to see if you're alright in the end.
That's all she wants.
She wants you to be alright.. more than alright.
Knowing you are happy and well will make loving you worth while.
She is the brave, empathetic and creative person you only wish you could be.