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Ten because nine isn't enough
Violence because we never learned how to love
Searched for forgiveness, now we search for blood
Couldn't reach an understanding so we're reaching for the gun
Shoot it ten times because nine isn't enough
05.04.2022
I stared at the wound as it stayed open
Gave up hope that it would ever close
Stood up, sighed
Walked away feeling resigned
To accept the pain as a part of me
Not wanting it anymore and yet not regretting it
Simply wishing it did not hurt
And would not become infected
As it lay exposed, bare before the world

As I kept walking, life fell in
Swept me away in a way love never could
Yet love was a part of the whole
Life grew larger
The world grew smaller
Memories grew in number
While friendships grew in meaning
And as what I knew grew exponentially,
Our time together grew more blurry
Our separation I understood more
As I thought about it less

What I thought were stones of foundation
Turned out to be forming just the windows
Set aside for now, one day to be dusted off and placed in the house that is my life
Shedding light on parts of myself I discovered through loving and leaving you

I find myself conquering the greatest fear I had when we parted,
That I would one day look back and call it young love,
Robbing it of what it truly was to me—real love, deep love, lasting.
It would be untrue, unjust to minimize it
To reduce it to a cliche, to call it a coming of age
I feared I would try to disguise it to somehow lessen the pain
I didn't realize the possibility that our love may become smaller
Not from my efforts to minimize it,
But because I would grow around it

I underestimated God
I underestimated myself
I'm not going back and changing the story to make it go down sweeter
Saying now that you didn't really know me then to make it feel a little neater
You did know me
I did love you
Our love was not small in the world we shared
It was the greatest love I had known
And now, now I no longer live in that world
Our love did not shrink
I have grown

Where did that wound go?
03.25.2022
I didn't want to end it
Because I didn't want to have weak love
I thought that's what love meant then
Putting in ninety when you gave ten
Till my sister said, "Girl, not for months on end,
Babe you gotta cut the thread.
You can still love him but you can't invest."
And man I needed that
02.2022
When my daughter asks
If I ever loved a man before I met her dad
I will tell her yes
I loved with all my twenty one year old whole heart had
And I'll tell her that it's grown since then
02.2022
I took the time, sat with the sting of it
A whole year to process and grieve it
Sort through the feelings of watching you repeat it
With a girl that looked like my sequel

A year goes by and you're back on a flight
She's not there and you ask yourself why
I wonder if I came to mind

Baby, why didn't you grieve us
I went to the funeral and was the only one giving speeches
I love the way we tried
I love the way we shared such good years of our lives
I'll try again and I
Know someday I'll get it right
But it starts with saying good bye
02.2022
colette alexia Apr 2021
Paint your ink all over me
We’ll see how things go eventually
But I think I’m drawn to the way you breathe
To the way you see me

Pick me up like your paintbrush
Like a habit you’ve had though we just met last month
Now all I’m thinking ‘bout is us

We’ll get lost in conversation
The world’s so hurt but maybe we could change it
You know I’m drawn to the way you think
To the way we dream

Pick me up like your paintbrush
You know just how to hold me with the softest touch
And still make me feel so much
04.13.2021
colette alexia Apr 2021
Is fifteen days too soon?
I think I might be starting to fall for you.
04.14.2021
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