when the day begins i taste salt
dreams turned into nightmares
can't tell between reality and sleep
at this point it's hard to care

misery is my loyal companion but
there's worry it's all in my mind
to feel all this but chaotic and wrong
don't want to accept that maybe i'm fine

saying i'm okay doesn't help
cause and effect can't be traced
so many variables of what could be bad
my own self is hard to face

the girl in the mirror is me but not
i barely recognize details
what if this is all my fault
how did i become so frail

A childish accusation, "You promised"
Before fear's taught kids are bolder
Denied the right, who can I trust
And I can't say, now that I'm older

Growing up we all learn how to lie
Despite all our parents' trying
It's become my second nature, why?
I've found it's easier than fighting

When the world demands a lot of you
You learn to adjust or fall apart
Rarely is the desired answer true
Tangled in lies, where do I start

I know I can do better and I should
A refrain throughout our heads
Binding words, be a kid that's "good"
Follow through all that's been said

My master is fear, I've learned my lesson
Lying seems to be an act that's kind
We tend to try to have good intentions
"How are you today?" "I'm doing fine."

When I was a kid I thought I fell in love
Worshiped the ground he walked on and the sky above
Giving everything I had was all I'd ever known
He was supposed to be my heart and my home
I'm not much older now but I often remember
The child that I had been; God how I hate her
I can't hurt anyone but I can inflict the pain on myself
And I guess I do that too often to be good for my health
The question that always comes up for me is "why"
The search for an answer continues as the years go by
I wish I could reach across time and destroy your life
Instead I sit here and watch red run down the knife

i'm back here again, **** it
incarcerated by silk and steel
i've made it livable to an extent
and the exterior is covered still
i have my own space, just mine
decorated with black and grays
sometimes i can see the light
and i try to hide away for days
cocooned inside here i cower
can't go out, i'm too terrified
i ignore the knocks on the door
there's persistent voices outside
"the key is in there with you
move around and explore
you alone can set yourself free
use your matches to find the door"
strike, watch a blossoming flame
it flickers, shadows shift around
the glow encourages another call
now extinguished, i don't make a sound
loneliness and fear is all I know
heavy chains hold me from the lock
those voices again, encouraging me
we're here for you always, let's talk

I had a dream about a memory
So vivid I recall conversations
My subconscious made up a story
And turned it into nightmarish creations
Mimicked the past, I got lost for too long
Paralyzed, I'm no longer strong

I used to view my life like a bird in a cage
That you had the key, so I'd fly in a rage
Scream at you when things got rough
Bite when I never thought you did enough

When the bars broke and I was finally free
Distance and time gave me the chance to see
The vivid silks that served as your bonds
So pretty you missed the chains beyond

Mother and I used to discuss the fabric and style
Father and I would talk about patterns for a while
All you had was this and you gave it all to me
I wish you'd realize this wasn't who I wanted to be

A year underwater and I've been torn clear
Now an invisible wall lies between us, I fear

So I light a candle for the two of you instead
Hold the thought of you close when I go to bed
Press a hand to the window and feel the cold
Remember warmer days and then feel old

Before I go home, there are a few things I have to do
Like run a waterfall to a page instead of to you
Polish the mask I must wear without shame
Else without it, you'd never know my name

there's a raging flame
contained to a wick in glass
the wax keeps it company
but it's melting too fast

i extinguish the fire
my hands start to burn
i don't mind this time
it's my turn

turn off the lights
climb into bed
pull over the blankets
rest your head

close your eyes
quiet your mind
relax and sleep
leave worries behind

i'll be there soon
watching the starlight
but until then
my love, goodnight

Mom and Dad, I really have to thank you
After all, I did learn a lot over the years
Like how nothing you told me was true
And that you caused all of my fears

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words should never hurt me
I wasn't hit, nothing was thrown
You just made me feel like I was crazy

Do you know what you did was wrong?
Your expectations, consequences, all flawed
I try to channel my resentment into song
But you miss the point and just applaud

It's a fist clenched around my heart
Waiting for the doctor to show
Alone in the gray monotonous room
Sitting here til they tell me it's closed
Home is welcome but empty
And I'm back the very next day
Passing the time and hoping maybe
Tomorrow I can be on my way

I feel the world drag me down
Then it sends me flying
I cycle between the highs and lows
And can't fall asleep without crying

Sometimes I am fire
Other times my mind is dark gray
Hope is a match I can't hold onto
I'm begging the light to stay

The blossom floats to the ground
It hits so violently all of hell shakes
Heaven gazes wordlessly from above,
Watching our actions, judging us.
One eye follows our every move,
Waiting for failure; maybe I'll never graduate
Let's wander past old brick buildings

It’s a fact that I love him to pieces
And I’ve fallen apart many times before
Every day I fear I’m going to lose him
It’s a terror that strikes me to the core
I feel like there’s no time to be upset
If something’s wrong I actively ignore it
For if I were to lose him tomorrow
God, well, honestly, I’d feel like ****
But all this anger has nowhere to go
And any irritation further fans the flames
I hate this, I never wanted to feel this way
All these thoughts make me feel ashamed

They dance through my dreams
Golden rounds, silvery circles
Endlessly turning
Infinity untwisted
A memory, a potential
Promises unfinished
Ours did not match;
The first sign.

if i can act like i'm okay, am i?
everything i say can turn into a lie
of course i'm good, it's all fine
where do i have to draw the line
well if i'm really being honest:
(after all i made that promise)
i really want to get better but i'm so tired
i don't want to be awake but my mind's on fire

Gods, I’ve been forsaken!
I – formerly blessed by the sun –
Cry out to you, you who leave
My words unheard.
Once a daughter to kings, I wait
Inside an indiscernible prison
For the fall of my beloved city.
I predicted this, my people, but
I cannot blame you, my people
I spurned the sun, burned my fate
And now no one will heed me.
They tell me I am
beautiful, I am brilliant, I am
insane.
They tell me
To leave the future to kings.
I spoke to you, my people
The contents of the horse
I spoke to you, my people
When we shall catch our demise
With axe and fire, I rush,
Only to face the barrage of disbelief
I hear them laughing, my people
Those who will carve their place
Where you once stood
But you will not listen.

Sitting here talking about myself
It all feels almost, well, silly
Like why would this person care?
I'm just talking about me
Sure these things happened
And maybe I feel odd once in a while
I never really thought it mattered
Just hid it all behind a smile
There are lots of people like me
(Or I guess; that's what I've heard)
I've always just wanted to be average
Disguise wrong feelings in written word
Even years after I still ask the question:
How much of it all is in my head?
I think I need this help, and it's working
Though it's so terrifying, I hide in bed

Bound securely, affixed professionally
I admit the bandages feel really nice
But they're in response to waking the past
I'm not sure I'm willing to pay this price
When I hesitate, I say I want to get better
Who doesn't want their broken leg to mend?
Somehow being honest is physically painful
I almost prefer when I had to pretend

Scream and shout, kick the ground, fall apart crying
I hate the world, it isn't fair, hold my heart from breaking
My life stretches way too far into a fog I can't see through
No one's fault you don't understand but you don't have a clue
Stop thinking stop thinking my mind keeps on racing
Not words it's all emotions like I just can't stop feeling
Endless accusations left unformed drive me insane
I'll be alright but this moment now all I think about is pain

You're my gold-crowned prince
My knight in shining armor
My hero and savior
Guide and companion.
Storybook romances come alive
With you.

i fell in love with her smile
her laugh and childlike wonder
but now it's always raining
with lightning flashes and thunder

i want to shatter her bedroom mirror
the reflection that always lies
whispers of not good enough
while she sits there and cries

i hold her back from drowning
to play the hero i go under
it's cold and dark down here
but i'm scared to return without her

she casts long shadows, not light
but i can see her trying to hold on
i love her more than anything
don't tell me she's already gone

i'm a victim, no, a demon
poisoned by my own hand
can't rest from the voices
and high are their demands
so i live in ups and downs
guided by the whispers
i know i do this to myself
but i can't always remember

I can't remember exactly what you look like
But the memories of what you did remain
The scars you gave me may have faded
But I still remember the pain

I can't give words to clear the chaos
Facts from emotions are hard to define
I live in fear that you'll be in my life again
You're out of sight but not out of mind

People tell me that time heals most anything
So give it time, they insist, and it'll be okay
I've been waiting but it's been nearly three years
I just want all these thoughts to go away

My hair is black and yours is yellow
But they never call it that;
Blonde, or like spun gold
Stunning, precious, unattainable.
But you have it,
Like I’ll never have you.
My hair is black but my skin
Is yellow
They call it that
“Slant-eyed”, “foreign”, “unnatural”
At eighteen, I broke black locks with bleach
(I’ve always wanted to be blonde)
And it didn’t look natural at all
I will never be blonde, I will always be
Yellow.
They ask: What are you?
“American, like you”
But they roll their eyes
They tell me to forget my native language
And I don’t know how to tell them I already am
Black and yellow
I think of me then think of bees, and recall
Being stung in the first grade, and how
Ever since, I’m paralyzed at the thought
Of black, and yellow
Black and yellow
Save the bees! on shirts and posters
But no one is saving me.

Hang a star on the ceiling, my love
To protect you during the daylight
Whenever the sky closes its eyes
It’s not perfect, I understand
But darling, nothing ever is
Hold onto what you can

Daisy he desired, and of Daisy he thought
His eyes only for her, and to hold her he sought
Riches and Daisy, perfection, together
He wanted it all, flawlessly, forever
Longtime dreamer, believer, hopeful and true
Desperate for an illusion, with absolutely no clue
That his flowering dreams were wilting away
To become nothing but memories that hold little sway
Over what his life has become from before
And the dream he had once envisioned, they tore
To pieces that lay, shattered and broken
Shards of a past come future, only tokens
Of Nick Carraway's memoir writ after two years
No mourners at the funeral, goodbye without tears.
His lasting imprint, whether worst or best
Tells us that hopeless dreamers can never rest
For the elusive green light that stretches far
We go faster, faster, towards that fixed star
Boats against the current, waves beating high
Despite it all we trudge forward, and always we try.

Walk a tightrope as thin as a wire
Practice until your feet are on fire
Perform amazing feats, hear the applause
Smile and feel proud your life has a cause
Everyday I reach for the same thrill
Without it I just can’t feel fulfilled
If I’m not making people around me happy
Then what’s the point? My heart is empty

I’m holding a beautiful kitten
I’ve wanted her for countless years
Multiple times I’ve already been bitten
Keep telling myself it’s just her fears
I put food and water out for her
A reminder she’s the one I choose
Whenever I can, I stroke her fur
So she knows, this fight? She won’t lose
We’ll only be together a short while
Every day I offer the best of my smiles
Communication feels only one way
I hope I’ll get through to her someday

Sky overcast, gray
Will the sun come out to play?
Let's dance in the rain

You gave me silken scarves and solitude
To weave my own bindings
You gave me surpluses of satin
Bandages for skin you broke
You gave me Swarovski accessories
As if it excused your absences
You gave me smooth apologies
A salve to my twisted fingers

just keep trying
it's not enough
who cares if you're crying
this comes from love

I don’t want time to cool off after getting mad
I want you to prove that you’re sorry
Stop asking what you can do to make it better
Don’t just sit there and repeat back to me
Offer me suggestions and do them anyway
Beg my forgiveness down on your knees
Spend the next eight hours overthinking
Get angry and expressive, ******* unfreeze
Fight back, take up a weapon and strike
God knows I’ve given you a million to date
Or deliver an overblown romantic gesture
It could be literally anything I’d appreciate
Hey, can you listen? It’s not that hard
Do I have to scream to be heard?
I don’t think I’m making an impact
You still stand there undeterred

My love, I see you walk in rays of light
Crowned in gold, a wondrous sight
You hold me close and my heart takes flight

I count one, two, three and I can't believe
We've made it this far; still such a dream
Somehow, you treat me like a queen
Look, my love, at what we've achieved:
Moments together we can treasure
Conversations I'll always remember
All of the love and all of the laughter
The closest I've been to "happily ever after"

A slow burning fuse
Watch the spark move up the rope
I could interrupt any time I wish
Or maybe I'm just flattering myself in hopes
That I won't lose control
That in this I have a choice
So many thoughts and emotions
But I can't seem to find my voice

I forget that the sun shines every day
In a part of the world somewhere
I’ve lived in the gray for so ******* long
The nothingness is more than I can bear
It’s rained so much I wonder if I’m drowning
I can’t seem to climb out and save myself
Every breath takes more effort than I have
All I’m good for is gathering dust on a shelf
But when the skies clear and the day glows
I can blossom and flourish like a flower
I will be bright and beautiful
I can be my own power

I’m barely an adult but already I’ve felt jaded
Romantics of childhood had all but faded
I thought I loved, didn’t know how it looked
Your presence in my life was what it took
For me to - slowly - realize it’s not that hard
Only a few experiences had left me scarred
Underneath your care, my flaws disappear
Every day gets better with you right here
Somewhere along the way, I’d lost my heart
Yet now I want to sing again, and start
Writing stories that are too good to be true
But I’m still so terrified of losing you
If I could just let go, and trust that when I fall
You’ll catch me, and come running when I call
Then together, the world can call us naive
And I won’t even care, ‘cause now I believe

Hush, little one, and get some rest
Don’t lie awake thinking you failed some test
Let me wipe away your tears, don’t be distressed
All who matter know you tried your best

Life goes on, scars fade
They can't hurt me now
They're out of my reach
And that's worse, somehow

The blonde girl in my first class
Shares the same planner habits as me
Invited me to a party, my first
I watched a clock tick away
In tandem to music six blocks down
The girl, my “name twin”
In geology lab, playing with rocks
We traded phone numbers
She has her own group of friends
I sit by myself three rows up
The girl sitting across from me
Effortlessly thin, stark tattoos
We think and feel so similarly
She just made a friend, so
I only ask what they did for fun
A coworker, moving states away
I thought she was a cool Cali girl
Brunette ice princess
She hugged me on her last day
Now I smile at her 3AM Instagram selfies
At opportunities, I tried to jump
Misjudged the distance and fell instead
I scraped up my hands, leaving scars
I’ll remember you, years later
You who could have been a friend

She sways in time
To the beat in her brain
Rejecting the irregular tempo of her heart
Blinking twice to clear the glare
She stumbles once, again, and again
Reaching for someone
Who isn't there.
She wants
To forget for the night, blur into the lights
Drowning herself to blissful heights

Skinny, papery, wrinkled, and pale
Running a rosary through her fingers
The air shimmers, balmy ocean waves that never cease
From the shaded marble step, I ask:
“Why do you suffer rituals out in the scorching sun?”
“My child, that’s how it’s always been done.”

Christmas used to be
So much planning, for me
Piles of presents under the tree
Singing carols by the piano with glee
Excitement months too early
Now, as I come home for the day
Too tired to even consider to play
Happy just listening for the bells of the sleigh
We’ll light the fire, and beside it we’ll lay
Together tonight, despite hearts far away

you carried me through the forest
i pulled you through the waves
we held each other when we fell
i thought we were both so brave

i don't know what i'm supposed to think
i feel like we've fallen out of sync
i wake up thrown into the past
i'm watching this slow motion crash

i love you, i know you love me too
"life is hell but it's better with you"
more than anything i want you to stay
we're not fireproof; you're burning away

somehow we've become so confused
i don't know anymore which words to use
being with you always felt so right
remember when we counted stars at night?

Feel free
Message me
Anything you need
I smile mechanically
You know better, see
I never take opportunities

It’s driving by the shoreline after dark
Marveling at city lights across the way
It’s waking up early for college classes
And taking a nap together later that day
It’s being held in your arms at a concert
With tickets we convinced the other to buy
It’s sitting on the floor of my room
Unwilling to tell each other goodbye
I have a request to make of you, my love
I know I can’t change what will be
I hate to let you go, but I’ll be right here
Please keep coming back to me

Being far from home alters reality
You seem to dissolve away
We experience two nights and mornings
It’s hard to keep track of the days
I printed out a photo of you before I left
I don’t take it out often, I swear
It’s just so I’ll have something to hold onto
And I like to know it’s there

My mother calls out,
Carry me; I need you to take me home.
I'm only three years old
I can barely walk on my own
I shoulder her hands, bigger than my face
I slip and slide on the ice, afraid to fall
I can handle bruises and scrapes
But not if mommy falls too
Gritted baby teeth, frozen tears on cheeks
I rip off the fluffy pink coat, it's too hot
Is she helping at all?
The front door seems too far away
Just a little further, I'll be home soon
Then I can let go, maybe grow, and get up the courage to say
(someday)
I don't need you, like you needed me
I've walked a steep path and now I'm stronger
I will not carry you any longer

I want to take my car at two a.m.
Drive to the lake 2.6 miles away
If I’m not alone, the shadows will hide them.
Under the frosted glass lamp of the moon
I rip my heart out at the seams and scream
Towards a horizon I cannot reach.
I traipse with unconscious purpose
On broken pebbles shifting underfoot
Collect the biggest, the prettiest, the best
And throw them
One by one, after the other
Relish the splash
Feel the weight of each rock leave my hand
Messy arcs into impartial waves
There goes the GPA I still want to recover
Years lost to overthinking when younger
I drain every tear I had wanted to show.
I can wander wherever the night takes me
If only I could learn to let go

reflecting back, yesterday was all gray
like the three days before
when you fall, the trick is in getting back up
even when you don't know what for
when you wake, bruised, bleeding and feeling
the weight of every haunting thought
fight through them and emerge on the other side
don't surrender and let yourself be caught

I wanted to sit down, write you a love letter
But how does one word colors and melodies
Your beautiful smile makes every day better
I treasure every single shared memory
We've been through so many ups and downs
Over years we laugh and talk and argue
But when all has been said and done
You know I really love you

"Valentine" means worthy, strong, and powerful
I mean every word written above
I'll never deserve you but I hope you'll be mine
From my heart to yours, my love