Count down the clock to the new year
Four, three, two, one, it's finally here
Kiss your loved ones to celebrate at midnight
A toast, raise your glass to new heights
Write down your resolutions to remember
Believe in yourself, this year will be better

I know two siblings; I'm closer to one
The younger is more forgiving
You can't have your cake and eat it too
So I chose the older; seems more loving
She comes by at least three times a day
Sometimes stays for hours or more
I love and admire her, she gives me control
Myself I despise down to the core
People tell me she's not one to call friend
But I thrive on every time she checks in
She urges me to surrender at every turn
I'm fighting a battle I don't want to win

The blossom floats to the ground
It hits so violently all of hell shakes
Heaven gazes wordlessly from above,
Watching our actions, judging us.
One eye follows our every move,
Waiting for failure; maybe I'll never graduate
Let's wander past old brick buildings

My hair is black and yours is yellow
But they never call it that;
Blonde, or like spun gold
Stunning, precious, unattainable.
But you have it,
Like I’ll never have you.
My hair is black but my skin
Is yellow
They call it that
“Slant-eyed”, “foreign”, “unnatural”
At eighteen, I broke black locks with bleach
(I’ve always wanted to be blonde)
And it didn’t look natural at all
I will never be blonde, I will always be
Yellow.
They ask: What are you?
“American, like you”
But they roll their eyes
They tell me to forget my native language
And I don’t know how to tell them I already am
Black and yellow
I think of me then think of bees, and recall
Being stung in the first grade, and how
Ever since, I’m paralyzed at the thought
Of black, and yellow
Black and yellow
Save the bees! on shirts and posters
But no one is saving me.

I tear myself apart
Only to have to pick up the pieces
Wipe off the blood
Then flatten out creases
Straighten up, smile, who noticed anyway
Hope it's enough to last another few days

Mom and Dad, I really have to thank you
After all, I did learn a lot over the years
Like how nothing you told me was true
And that you caused all of my fears

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But words should never hurt me
I wasn't hit, nothing was thrown
You just made me feel like I was crazy

Do you know what you did was wrong?
Your expectations, consequences, all flawed
I try to channel my resentment into song
But you miss the point and just applaud

My mother calls out,
Carry me; I need you to take me home.
I'm only three years old
I can barely walk on my own
I shoulder her hands, bigger than my face
I slip and slide on the ice, afraid to fall
I can handle bruises and scrapes
But not if mommy falls too
Gritted baby teeth, frozen tears on cheeks
I rip off the fluffy pink coat, it's too hot
Is she helping at all?
The front door seems too far away
Just a little further, I'll be home soon
Then I can let go, maybe grow, and get up the courage to say
(someday)
I don't need you, like you needed me
I've walked a steep path and now I'm stronger
I will not carry you any longer

Hush, little one, and get some rest
Don’t lie awake thinking you failed some test
Let me wipe away your tears, don’t be distressed
All who matter know you tried your best

When I was a kid I thought I fell in love
Worshiped the ground he walked on and the sky above
Giving everything I had was all I'd ever known
He was supposed to be my heart and my home
I'm not much older now but I often remember
The child that I had been; God how I hate her
I can't hurt anyone but I can inflict the pain on myself
And I guess I do that too often to be good for my health
The question that always comes up for me is "why"
The search for an answer continues as the years go by
I wish I could reach across time and destroy your life
Instead I sit here and watch red run down the knife

The blonde girl in my first class
Shares the same planner habits as me
Invited me to a party, my first
I watched a clock tick away
In tandem to music six blocks down
The girl, my “name twin”
In geology lab, playing with rocks
We traded phone numbers
She has her own group of friends
I sit by myself three rows up
The girl sitting across from me
Effortlessly thin, stark tattoos
We think and feel so similarly
She just made a friend, so
I only ask what they did for fun
A coworker, moving states away
I thought she was a cool Cali girl
Brunette ice princess
She hugged me on her last day
Now I smile at her 3AM Instagram selfies
At opportunities, I tried to jump
Misjudged the distance and fell instead
I scraped up my hands, leaving scars
I’ll remember you, years later
You who could have been a friend

When you’re on top of the world
The high is unlike anything that exists
But the fall is a long, long way down
A motivation for those above to persist
Word of warning to those still climbing
Hold your desires close and don’t let go
All of us fall eventually, inevitably, but
Distance is so much worse when it’s slow

I can fake a smile to the unconcerned
But feel myself break down when asked
I’m so angry I’m driving myself insane
I try to distract myself with lists of tasks
I watch life progress without me
Can’t seem to match the pace
No matter how my speed increases
There’s no way I’m winning this race
I’m treading water, head barely afloat
While I watch everyone else coast by
Why does nothing I do seem to matter
I’m losing my motivation to even try

you carried me through the forest
i pulled you through the waves
we held each other when we fell
i thought we were both so brave

i don't know what i'm supposed to think
i feel like we've fallen out of sync
i wake up thrown into the past
i'm watching this slow motion crash

i love you, i know you love me too
"life is hell but it's better with you"
more than anything i want you to stay
we're not fireproof; you're burning away

somehow we've become so confused
i don't know anymore which words to use
being with you always felt so right
remember when we counted stars at night?

Being far from home alters reality
You seem to dissolve away
We experience two nights and mornings
It’s hard to keep track of the days
I printed out a photo of you before I left
I don’t take it out often, I swear
It’s just so I’ll have something to hold onto
And I like to know it’s there

i fell in love with her smile
her laugh and childlike wonder
but now it's always raining
with lightning flashes and thunder

i want to shatter her bedroom mirror
the reflection that always lies
whispers of not good enough
while she sits there and cries

i hold her back from drowning
to play the hero i go under
it's cold and dark down here
but i'm scared to return without her

she casts long shadows, not light
but i can see her trying to hold on
i love her more than anything
don't tell me she's already gone

Daisy he desired, and of Daisy he thought
His eyes only for her, and to hold her he sought
Riches and Daisy, perfection, together
He wanted it all, flawlessly, forever
Longtime dreamer, believer, hopeful and true
Desperate for an illusion, with absolutely no clue
That his flowering dreams were wilting away
To become nothing but memories that hold little sway
Over what his life has become from before
And the dream he had once envisioned, they tore
To pieces that lay, shattered and broken
Shards of a past come future, only tokens
Of Nick Carraway's memoir writ after two years
No mourners at the funeral, goodbye without tears.
His lasting imprint, whether worst or best
Tells us that hopeless dreamers can never rest
For the elusive green light that stretches far
We go faster, faster, towards that fixed star
Boats against the current, waves beating high
Despite it all we trudge forward, and always we try.

just keep trying
it's not enough
who cares if you're crying
this comes from love

Dad, you’re a classic
I can predict a lot of your jokes
But I know to make me happy
You’d happily go broke
I’ve caused a lot of stress
And for that I’m truly sorry
Thank you for everything
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!

when the day begins i taste salt
dreams turned into nightmares
can't tell between reality and sleep
at this point it's hard to care

misery is my loyal companion but
there's worry it's all in my mind
to feel all this but chaotic and wrong
don't want to accept that maybe i'm fine

saying i'm okay doesn't help
cause and effect can't be traced
so many variables of what could be bad
my own self is hard to face

the girl in the mirror is me but not
i barely recognize details
what if this is all my fault
how did i become so frail

reflecting back, yesterday was all gray
like the three days before
when you fall, the trick is in getting back up
even when you don't know what for
when you wake, bruised, bleeding and feeling
the weight of every haunting thought
fight through them and emerge on the other side
don't surrender and let yourself be caught

there's a raging flame
contained to a wick in glass
the wax keeps it company
but it's melting too fast

i extinguish the fire
my hands start to burn
i don't mind this time
it's my turn

I like to play diplomat; it's hard to say no
Never the one who decides where we go
Affixed in place by the roots in the past
I hide behind everyone and choose to be last
So I also play victim more than I care to admit
Enough is enough, I've decided, that's it
I've wasted too much time on worry and fear
I think it's time to show the world that I'm here

I don’t want time to cool off after getting mad
I want you to prove that you’re sorry
Stop asking what you can do to make it better
Don’t just sit there and repeat back to me
Offer me suggestions and do them anyway
Beg my forgiveness down on your knees
Spend the next eight hours overthinking
Get angry and expressive, ******* unfreeze
Fight back, take up a weapon and strike
God knows I’ve given you a million to date
Or deliver an overblown romantic gesture
It could be literally anything I’d appreciate
Hey, can you listen? It’s not that hard
Do I have to scream to be heard?
I don’t think I’m making an impact
You still stand there undeterred

You gave me silken scarves and solitude
To weave my own bindings
You gave me surpluses of satin
Bandages for skin you broke
You gave me Swarovski accessories
As if it excused your absences
You gave me smooth apologies
A salve to my twisted fingers

I used to view my life like a bird in a cage
That you had the key, so I'd fly in a rage
Scream at you when things got rough
Bite when I never thought you did enough

When the bars broke and I was finally free
Distance and time gave me the chance to see
The vivid silks that served as your bonds
So pretty you missed the chains beyond

Mother and I used to discuss the fabric and style
Father and I would talk about patterns for a while
All you had was this and you gave it all to me
I wish you'd realize this wasn't who I wanted to be

A year underwater and I've been torn clear
Now an invisible wall lies between us, I fear

So I light a candle for the two of you instead
Hold the thought of you close when I go to bed
Press a hand to the window and feel the cold
Remember warmer days and then feel old

Before I go home, there are a few things I have to do
Like run a waterfall to a page instead of to you
Polish the mask I must wear without shame
Else without it, you'd never know my name

I don't know if anyone is out there
A greater being responsible for individual fates
I've wandered around the base of the cross
Bothered philosophers with debates
Read ancient words that gave hope to the past
But if anything exists, I'm not embarrassed
To say, "Thank you"
That I didn't wake up crying this morning
That instead I got up and decided to sing
That I have a skill in organizing lists
That I have a little brother I actually miss
That I have a kitten as cute as can be
That my boyfriend really loves me
That I have parents whom I believe mean well
Even though sometimes it's hard to tell
That we've all grown, so our relationships have too
It's been better than I myself could have construed
So I take a moment, before the sun awakes
To forget all the headaches and the heartbreaks
And be happy and grateful, instead
Excited to look onto the future ahead

turn off the lights
climb into bed
pull over the blankets
rest your head

close your eyes
quiet your mind
relax and sleep
leave worries behind

i'll be there soon
watching the starlight
but until then
my love, goodnight

I’m barely an adult but already I’ve felt jaded
Romantics of childhood had all but faded
I thought I loved, didn’t know how it looked
Your presence in my life was what it took
For me to - slowly - realize it’s not that hard
Only a few experiences had left me scarred
Underneath your care, my flaws disappear
Every day gets better with you right here
Somewhere along the way, I’d lost my heart
Yet now I want to sing again, and start
Writing stories that are too good to be true
But I’m still so terrified of losing you
If I could just let go, and trust that when I fall
You’ll catch me, and come running when I call
Then together, the world can call us naive
And I won’t even care, ‘cause now I believe

I’m holding a beautiful kitten
I’ve wanted her for countless years
Multiple times I’ve already been bitten
Keep telling myself it’s just her fears
I put food and water out for her
A reminder she’s the one I choose
Whenever I can, I stroke her fur
So she knows, this fight? She won’t lose
We’ll only be together a short while
Every day I offer the best of my smiles
Communication feels only one way
I hope I’ll get through to her someday

I pick these fights, with flint and force
To try to spark a fire
Fight me, tell me, I want to hear it
Scream back and tell me I'm a liar
Instead you sit there calmly
Absorbing every blow
Can't you say just how you feel?
God, I've never felt so low

Take my hand and hold me up
I need you by my side
I made you, dear, so by default
There's nothing you can hide

I love her more than anything, I think
Although right now I can’t really tell
I’ve been with her for what feels like forever
Down here in this never ending hell
I face a coin toss every day with her
Call heads or tails, happy or sad
Wait with bated breath as the coin soars
Curse as it lands “tails”, now she’s mad
I can’t live with fifty-fifty chances
Every second of every day of my life
But if I push her any further
I’m terrified she’ll seek comfort with a knife
It’s so frustrating to love someone
Who thinks the world is always against her
Who can’t seem to love herself
And no matter what I say, she’s insecure

Is this love? What am I doing here?
I can’t keep fighting her endless fear

Gods, I’ve been forsaken!
I – formerly blessed by the sun –
Cry out to you, you who leave
My words unheard.
Once a daughter to kings, I wait
Inside an indiscernible prison
For the fall of my beloved city.
I predicted this, my people, but
I cannot blame you, my people
I spurned the sun, burned my fate
And now no one will heed me.
They tell me I am
beautiful, I am brilliant, I am
insane.
They tell me
To leave the future to kings.
I spoke to you, my people
The contents of the horse
I spoke to you, my people
When we shall catch our demise
With axe and fire, I rush,
Only to face the barrage of disbelief
I hear them laughing, my people
Those who will carve their place
Where you once stood
But you will not listen.

I want to take my car at two a.m.
Drive to the lake 2.6 miles away
If I’m not alone, the shadows will hide them.
Under the frosted glass lamp of the moon
I rip my heart out at the seams and scream
Towards a horizon I cannot reach.
I traipse with unconscious purpose
On broken pebbles shifting underfoot
Collect the biggest, the prettiest, the best
And throw them
One by one, after the other
Relish the splash
Feel the weight of each rock leave my hand
Messy arcs into impartial waves
There goes the GPA I still want to recover
Years lost to overthinking when younger
I drain every tear I had wanted to show.
I can wander wherever the night takes me
If only I could learn to let go

light is beautiful but it tricks you
there's nothing to hold onto

A little kindness that goes a long way
A smile to light everyone’s day
Warmth of love to make you whole
Content of heart to quell the soul
Loss of death, not loss of life
The end of everlasting strife
Time to heal and mend the hurt
Erase the pain of cuts and burns
Strength to lend those falling down
A hand to lift you from the ground
Gratefulness for all you own
Appreciation distinctly shown
The world would vast improve, you’ll see
If all these little things came to be.

i'm back here again, **** it
incarcerated by silk and steel
i've made it livable to an extent
and the exterior is covered still
i have my own space, just mine
decorated with black and grays
sometimes i can see the light
and i try to hide away for days
cocooned inside here i cower
can't go out, i'm too terrified
i ignore the knocks on the door
there's persistent voices outside
"the key is in there with you
move around and explore
you alone can set yourself free
use your matches to find the door"
strike, watch a blossoming flame
it flickers, shadows shift around
the glow encourages another call
now extinguished, i don't make a sound
loneliness and fear is all I know
heavy chains hold me from the lock
those voices again, encouraging me
we're here for you always, let's talk

You're my gold-crowned prince
My knight in shining armor
My hero and savior
Guide and companion.
Storybook romances come alive
With you.

You crowd me
You suffocate me
You dress me in chains of gold
You hold me
You kiss me
You surround me in proclamations bold
“I love you”
“I need you”
“You are all I have”
I can’t stand you
I hate you
But I’m your only salve

I clasp your hand as I get to where you are
But I can’t seem to see your face
Like the sun, you’re blinding and
It hurts too much to look directly
So I hold onto you instead and smile
Brightly, hoping to match up to the sun

I’m not sure how to say this after 20+ years
But thank you for trying to remove all my fears
For arguing with me when you think I’m wrong
For supporting me through every silly song
We’ve often clashed but I wouldn’t have it any other way
And I mean it when I write “Happy Mother’s Day”

I want to trust, I want to believe
But I can't shake the feeling that it makes me naive
I hate to be laughed at, I avoid the crowds
My self-deprecation is already too loud
Multiple times my heart's been broken
Yet I still hand it out to others like a token
Of how much I love them and how much I care
But they take it and break it, it doesn't seem fair
Each time it happens, it's a new hole in my heart
What do I do with these feelings that tear me apart
They tell me hiding from others is no way to live
But I'm just trying to protect what little I've left to give

I had a dream about a memory
So vivid I recall conversations
My subconscious made up a story
And turned it into nightmarish creations
Mimicked the past, I got lost for too long
Paralyzed, I'm no longer strong

all i see ahead
is shattered glass
dense gray fog
ice cold stares
scars upon scars
colorless sights
empty sidewalks
forever and always

She sways in time
To the beat in her brain
Rejecting the irregular tempo of her heart
Blinking twice to clear the glare
She stumbles once, again, and again
Reaching for someone
Who isn't there.
She wants
To forget for the night, blur into the lights
Drowning herself to blissful heights

You sit or you stand there, not moving
While I’m shaking with the effort to stay
You laugh when I try to tell you something
Already you know what I’m trying to say
It’s selfish, I’m being entirely unfair
But I want to cause an effect
I live for you, all I own I share
And I resent it sometimes when I reflect
I spiral over events I forget within hours
Throw words like tangible objects at you
Forget that you’ve brought me flowers
Forget how you smile at “Love you too”s
I move everything in your direction
Where you are is where I want to be
My thought process needs a bit of correction
I know even when you’re far, you still love me

My moods shift like today's weather
The sun tries to shine between the clouds
When bright, it's beautiful and I feel better
If I do anything, I can feel proud
When the day goes on and gray takes over
My outlook grows darker again
I have to remind myself it won't last forever
Eventually the storm will reach its end

there were no broken dishes
and i could still sing
but if i could use one of my three wishes,
i'd change everything.

Sitting here talking about myself
It all feels almost, well, silly
Like why would this person care?
I'm just talking about me
Sure these things happened
And maybe I feel odd once in a while
I never really thought it mattered
Just hid it all behind a smile
There are lots of people like me
(Or I guess; that's what I've heard)
I've always just wanted to be average
Disguise wrong feelings in written word
Even years after I still ask the question:
How much of it all is in my head?
I think I need this help, and it's working
Though it's so terrifying, I hide in bed

Bound securely, affixed professionally
I admit the bandages feel really nice
But they're in response to waking the past
I'm not sure I'm willing to pay this price
When I hesitate, I say I want to get better
Who doesn't want their broken leg to mend?
Somehow being honest is physically painful
I almost prefer when I had to pretend

She ran from them, but they were relentless.
She tried to escape.

She tried to evade them, attack after attack. Still they overwhelmed her, betraying sanctuaries.
Her chest constricted.
She tried to appease them, offering after offering. Still they plagued her, negating the euphoria.
Her lungs ached.
She tried to stop them, parley after parley. Still they terrorized her, tormenting with whispers.
Her mind caved.
She tried to drown them, night after night. Still they pursued her, shaking off the burning fluid.
Her head pounded.
She tried to harm them, day after day. Still they haunted her, disregarding the blood that flowed.
Her wrists stung.
She tried to expel them, time after time. Still they clung to her, refusing to surrender their hold.
Her throat burned.
She tried to poison them, when nothing else worked. Still they survived, oblivious to damage.
Her body weakened.
Succumbing to the darkness, she tried a final resort.
She tried to eradicate them, using chains of rope. Still they remained, seeking the ****.
Her breaths ceased.

Her demons died with her.