You crowd me
You suffocate me
You dress me in chains of gold
You hold me
You kiss me
You surround me in proclamations bold
“I love you”
“I need you”
“You are all I have”
I can’t stand you
I hate you
But I’m your only salve

My mother calls out,
Carry me; I need you to take me home.
I'm only three years old
I can barely walk on my own
I shoulder her hands, bigger than my face
I slip and slide on the ice, afraid to fall
I can handle bruises and scrapes
But not if mommy falls too
Gritted baby teeth, frozen tears on cheeks
I rip off the fluffy pink coat, it's too hot
Is she helping at all?
The front door seems too far away
Just a little further, I'll be home soon
Then I can let go, maybe grow, and get up the courage to say
(someday)
I don't need you, like you needed me
I've walked a steep path and now I'm stronger
I will not carry you any longer

I like to play diplomat; it's hard to say no
Never the one who decides where we go
Affixed in place by the roots in the past
I hide behind everyone and choose to be last
So I also play victim more than I care to admit
Enough is enough, I've decided, that's it
I've wasted too much time on worry and fear
I think it's time to show the world that I'm here

there were no broken dishes
and i could still sing
but if i could use one of my three wishes,
i'd change everything.

I don't know if anyone is out there
A greater being responsible for individual fates
I've wandered around the base of the cross
Bothered philosophers with debates
Read ancient words that gave hope to the past
But if anything exists, I'm not embarrassed
To say, "Thank you"
That I didn't wake up crying this morning
That instead I got up and decided to sing
That I have a skill in organizing lists
That I have a little brother I actually miss
That I have a kitten as cute as can be
That my boyfriend really loves me
That I have parents whom I believe mean well
Even though sometimes it's hard to tell
That we've all grown, so our relationships have too
It's been better than I myself could have construed
So I take a moment, before the sun awakes
To forget all the headaches and the heartbreaks
And be happy and grateful, instead
Excited to look onto the future ahead

The game is unbalanced
Everyone has a definition of “fair play”
We all try to fight for our own causes
Causing chaos and disarray
Who’s right? Who’s wrong?
Apparently it’s whoever out of all of us
Is the strong one
And the rest cry victim, feel outdone
No one likes to be ostracized, left outside
So let’s all write a disclaimer: we tried
Wear it across our foreheads as a banner
So no one asks and causes us to stammer
It’s you against the world, isn’t it?
Go ahead, scream like you mean it
You hope someone will hear and save you
But if you aren’t willing to make it happen
You’ll never fix this point of view
You’ll never be able to win

I want to trust, I want to believe
But I can't shake the feeling that it makes me naive
I hate to be laughed at, I avoid the crowds
My self-deprecation is already too loud
Multiple times my heart's been broken
Yet I still hand it out to others like a token
Of how much I love them and how much I care
But they take it and break it, it doesn't seem fair
Each time it happens, it's a new hole in my heart
What do I do with these feelings that tear me apart
They tell me hiding from others is no way to live
But I'm just trying to protect what little I've left to give

light is beautiful but it tricks you
there's nothing to hold onto

Count down the clock to the new year
Four, three, two, one, it's finally here
Kiss your loved ones to celebrate at midnight
A toast, raise your glass to new heights
Write down your resolutions to remember
Believe in yourself, this year will be better

I love her more than anything, I think
Although right now I can’t really tell
I’ve been with her for what feels like forever
Down here in this never ending hell
I face a coin toss every day with her
Call heads or tails, happy or sad
Wait with bated breath as the coin soars
Curse as it lands “tails”, now she’s mad
I can’t live with fifty-fifty chances
Every second of every day of my life
But if I push her any further
I’m terrified she’ll seek comfort with a knife
It’s so frustrating to love someone
Who thinks the world is always against her
Who can’t seem to love herself
And no matter what I say, she’s insecure

Is this love? What am I doing here?
I can’t keep fighting her endless fear

I’m not sure how to say this after 20+ years
But thank you for trying to remove all my fears
For arguing with me when you think I’m wrong
For supporting me through every silly song
We’ve often clashed but I wouldn’t have it any other way
And I mean it when I write “Happy Mother’s Day”

I know two siblings; I'm closer to one
The younger is more forgiving
You can't have your cake and eat it too
So I chose the older; seems more loving
She comes by at least three times a day
Sometimes stays for hours or more
I love and admire her, she gives me control
Myself I despise down to the core
People tell me she's not one to call friend
But I thrive on every time she checks in
She urges me to surrender at every turn
I'm fighting a battle I don't want to win

My moods shift like today's weather
The sun tries to shine between the clouds
When bright, it's beautiful and I feel better
If I do anything, I can feel proud
When the day goes on and gray takes over
My outlook grows darker again
I have to remind myself it won't last forever
Eventually the storm will reach its end

She ran from them, but they were relentless.
She tried to escape.

She tried to evade them, attack after attack. Still they overwhelmed her, betraying sanctuaries.
Her chest constricted.
She tried to appease them, offering after offering. Still they plagued her, negating the euphoria.
Her lungs ached.
She tried to stop them, parley after parley. Still they terrorized her, tormenting with whispers.
Her mind caved.
She tried to drown them, night after night. Still they pursued her, shaking off the burning fluid.
Her head pounded.
She tried to harm them, day after day. Still they haunted her, disregarding the blood that flowed.
Her wrists stung.
She tried to expel them, time after time. Still they clung to her, refusing to surrender their hold.
Her throat burned.
She tried to poison them, when nothing else worked. Still they survived, oblivious to damage.
Her body weakened.
Succumbing to the darkness, she tried a final resort.
She tried to eradicate them, using chains of rope. Still they remained, seeking the ****.
Her breaths ceased.

Her demons died with her.

I can fake a smile to the unconcerned
But feel myself break down when asked
I’m so angry I’m driving myself insane
I try to distract myself with lists of tasks
I watch life progress without me
Can’t seem to match the pace
No matter how my speed increases
There’s no way I’m winning this race
I’m treading water, head barely afloat
While I watch everyone else coast by
Why does nothing I do seem to matter
I’m losing my motivation to even try

When you’re on top of the world
The high is unlike anything that exists
But the fall is a long, long way down
A motivation for those above to persist
Word of warning to those still climbing
Hold your desires close and don’t let go
All of us fall eventually, inevitably, but
Distance is so much worse when it’s slow

I clasp your hand as I get to where you are
But I can’t seem to see your face
Like the sun, you’re blinding and
It hurts too much to look directly
So I hold onto you instead and smile
Brightly, hoping to match up to the sun

all i see ahead
is shattered glass
dense gray fog
ice cold stares
scars upon scars
colorless sights
empty sidewalks
forever and always

I pick these fights, with flint and force
To try to spark a fire
Fight me, tell me, I want to hear it
Scream back and tell me I'm a liar
Instead you sit there calmly
Absorbing every blow
Can't you say just how you feel?
God, I've never felt so low

Take my hand and hold me up
I need you by my side
I made you, dear, so by default
There's nothing you can hide

Dad, you’re a classic
I can predict a lot of your jokes
But I know to make me happy
You’d happily go broke
I’ve caused a lot of stress
And for that I’m truly sorry
Thank you for everything
Happy Father’s Day, Daddy!

You sit or you stand there, not moving
While I’m shaking with the effort to stay
You laugh when I try to tell you something
Already you know what I’m trying to say
It’s selfish, I’m being entirely unfair
But I want to cause an effect
I live for you, all I own I share
And I resent it sometimes when I reflect
I spiral over events I forget within hours
Throw words like tangible objects at you
Forget that you’ve brought me flowers
Forget how you smile at “Love you too”s
I move everything in your direction
Where you are is where I want to be
My thought process needs a bit of correction
I know even when you’re far, you still love me

Starts with a burst of pure light
Flares up and away like a laugh
Coalesce into one, a sphere perfectly rounded
Essence of one captured in crystal form
I watch mine flicker, a candle in an open window
Darker like the clouds hiding the sun
Pray to the world I’ll flare up again or
I’ll slowly be consumed by my sins

to live without hate in your heart
with nothing inside to tear you apart
to speak thoughts aloud, not bound by fear
not wishing all the time you'd just disappear

I tear myself apart
Only to have to pick up the pieces
Wipe off the blood
Then flatten out creases
Straighten up, smile, who noticed anyway
Hope it's enough to last another few days