the act of
are no longer
heat, heart, humor
piece by piece
until I can
i'm a victim, no, a demon
poisoned by my own hand
can't rest from the voices
and high are their demands
so i live in ups and downs
guided by the whispers
i know i do this to myself
but i can't always remember
Each wilted word that fell from those thorny lips only bred despair. but. those piercing lips and sharpened tongue
which mercilessly cut others down
also cut itself to shattered bits
every. single. time.
Here I am bleeding again
Taken aback by mortal fear
Staring at faith
Staged by hope
Pouring rain on visceral cage–
The sound of deep
Calling to deep.
Repressed feelings buried by time
Epitaph reads on the forgotten grave
"Here lies the child now grown
His hopes and dreams
Dashed to pieces.
This is where the child died."
I often hear the Mystic Keeper
Calling from night
And tradition calling from artificial light
As I run through scorched barren
Fields of doubt
Walking barefoot over these coals
To hide my eyes
As I run
And as I hide
From what has already been revealed--
The tombstone says it all.
When I am out on the water
Lost in the Channel fog
I often see fleeting glimpses of
White cliffs of hope
Shining on the edge of Melancholy Sea--
But they turn out to be just
Seeds of religious platitudes.
And then there is the ready reflection
Of the looking glass
That often tricks the beholder
For in it truth is not seen
What is seen is graffiti of soul
Hiding the crumbling
Cracks of age–
The threshold where
Sanity meets its end.
Isolation has become
A shining steel blade
Into the heart of hearts
Nothing lives after amputation
Depending on emotional prosthetics--
When nothing is there.
But in the midst of these devastations
I am learning to take
The hand of trust and grace
And to allow
Hope to build
A fortress for dreams…
Set boundaries better
Than no control at all.
--Daniel Irwin Tucker
This piece was written at a time when I experienced a dibillatating physical illness which still affects me today (not physical amputation btw).
But pain, caused by self-inflicted or extraneous traumatic experiences such as myriad forms of assault and losing or cutting off people or things in our lives, can be severely felt as a type of phantom pain. This, of course is a universal aspect of the human condition.
In a letter
Sadly this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
She must turn cold
For over her, people just rolled
She alway knew they would
But she still did what she could
She so desperately wanted to belive
That everyone that was truly in need
Would appreciate what she did
She had the faith of a little kid
She believed there was good in most everyone
But now with all of that, she was done
There finally was that last straw
Finally a line she had to draw
This decision was agonizingly painful
After this, she didn't know what she would live for, would she be able
The pain of this was greater then all that had came before
This killing of her own soul hurt so much more
Than what any human monster had inflicted
With this her heart would truly be restricted
She took the broken pieces of her being
Ground them to dust as tears down her checks kept steaming
She knew with this final self inflicted act
There would be no coming back
There would be no more love, no hope
If not for drugs, how would she cope
With one last sigh
One last cry
She pounded what made her, her to dust
She felt no other way out, it was a must
The chain that bound her to helping others just turned to rust
It broke and fell away
She wondered why on this earth would she now stay
For with all the good she had tried to spread into this wicked place
She sincerely thought it would be returned when difficulties she faced
Only to find
No other human would act as kind
Every single person she tured to
Only replied "what can I do"
"I would help, but I must put myself first"
Her loving heart made her feel so utterly cursed
So she decided that was it
No longer with the afflicted would she sit
No longer would she put others before herself
They could all fall off the ******* shelf
This decision was not freeing
It was gonna **** her completely, her fragile soul, her being
It was gonna break the ties that held her to this life
But when she need help, no one was there to end the strife
Now this woman with the biggest heart
Has to rip out her most loving thoughts
Now she is as cold and heartless as the rest
But look really hard, there is still the stain of tears upon her breast
There's just one thing I long to do to you.
My minds fed up;
I want to give you a *******
Staring at yourself
have you ever seen-
Your face so beautiful?
Have you ever been replaced
While watching it all go down?
I can't erase you from my mind
I can't controll the way I feel
Like the cancer that you are.
I can't erase-
Or turn back time.
I'm so ******* sick from this
time to **** this ******* *****.
This times for real *****
Deep breath in!
It's only skin deep!
And so is my knife,
I'll erase you!
This times for real now
So let's begin!
Maybe it's always been me...
It's all in my mind,
I'll replace you.
IT'S ALL IN MY MIND [I'LL REPLACE YOU]
Borderline personality disorder
Personification of two very different ego's
Voices, voices is all I hear
They tell me to come over here
I silently say no
Then they turn into crows
Nitpicking on my skin
Leaving marks of my sins
They laugh and laugh
Their laughters turns into wraths
They throw me against the wall
Feeding me pain like its a brawl
But I don't fight back
All my willpower were taken into a sack
The voices are winning
I am losing
Then you whispered into my ears
Saying to stop drowning in your tears
You lend me your hand
And said we'll fight the voices as we firmly stand
Whistling to a mortifying song
You too, soon disappear
I start to fear
I try to feel my way out
But there's no way out
You stole the key
Closed me in the darkness
Taunting me, shoving me into the walls
My heart cracks and out he crawls
He lends his hand
I reached for it but it dissolved into sand
He fades away into my past
I'm free at last.
It's growling at me
With its emotionless eyes
As my fears grow, it starts to see
It's growling with all its lies
Black as the devil's soul
Creating a never endless pain
A dead wicked ghoul
Stuck like an unremovable stain
It taunts and laughs wickedly
It spitted out, "You're weak just like your mother."
I spatter out bitterly
But it doesn't seem to bother
Bickering, bickering for who's right
The lies connected my fate
No longer do I see the light
I'm no longer in the zone, going mentally insane
"Let me out!," I shrieked
But it smiled and escaped
I'm no longer within the breach
I'm all caged.
She is a chaotic mess
Who is a genius yet makes no complete sense
She is weak but willing to fight the war
She constantly asks herself, "How long and how far?"
How long until the storm ends?
When will her thoughts finally be her friend?
Because inside, it's a monstrosity and it's killing her with curiousity
Consumed in her chaos, in her little paradox.