My baby girl walked into the cold night, alone
Left a ****** trail for me to follow
I found her body, both wrists were slit
Her body was like ice, the pain was a hard hit

Her blood pooled all over the stone,
It did look tempting, to try and follow
But to do so is an eternal mistake
Suicide, the worst death on offer from fate.

The blood had now become a Blood Lake,
Coupled with my tears, yet it all felt fake
"How can any of this be real?"
Through my chest, a searing pain did rake

I open my eyes, and look at the roof
My chest heaves, my heart in pursuit
All of this because I'm afraid of
Losing you.
Without you, I don't know what
I would do.

Ever been so angry
That you've started laughing?
Shudders through your body
Just the violent urges passing

When you get caught out
By "anonymous" at school
For posting poems about self-harm
Oh, I'm such a fool

Maybe goodbye to this site?
Maybe move on to another?
Or perhaps I'll stay and not post them
Wow, this is such a bother....

I'm too trusting...

I remember a time when I felt happy
Waking up everyday was a new adventure
Some people would say things behind my back,
But I didn't care

I just carried on

I would stroll leisurely into the classroom,
Take off my shoes at the door because I picked at them
Sit down at my desk, right at the front because I couldn't focus sitting next to anyone

And just carried on

I would pick my spiky, plastic ball off of the desk I sat at,
Constantly fidget with it, resist the urge to place it in my mouth
And bite off the spikes, feel satisfaction. Sometimes I could resist.
Other times I couldn't, but I didn't care

I just carried on

That was back when I was in Year Four, in a class filled with students
Who, despite not knowing the word ***** would be one anyways
Only admiring me for my intellect, like when I suggested the word Bioluminescence as a favourite word and the teacher thought it wasn't even a word, because surely I was too young to know it?

Somehow, I carried on

Now, looking back on those days I ask myself,
When did my strength fade? The world become grey?
How can someone so innocent, so lonely, so... weak,
Be so strong and resistant?

How did I be me, and manage to carry on?

When nowadays I am constantly suppressed by society,
I can't be me without being called a ******, a loser,
Loner and so ****** up that surely I'm a stoner?

Doesn't matter that I hate drugs, my "friends" do drugs,
Smoke **** and make fun of me because I don't,
That God forbid I'm clean, don't **** with that ****,
Never will and never have, but this means that they can be mean?

How have I carried on, for so long, falling prey to those call me friend
And fade away faster than the light of day whilst vaping it up,
Faded as ****,
When all along I believed I wasn't strong?

I look at them and see no hope, no future
Not for me in that direction, at least
And I've told them time and again
That it's so ******* wrong, that there will come a time when hitting up the **** won't carry you further along anymore

There will be a time when they will fail to carry on

Maybe I still got some of me left in me
There's more on the inside than what the eye can see
Believe in myself, listen to no-one else and honestly?

I truly believe I still have the strength to carry on

Go on, press record
Lift your phone to bloodshed
Lift your phone to the sound of hatred
Of bloodlust laid on a foundation
That was never really stable to begin with

Go on, film those frames
As you watch me beat the **** out of
All those who made me feel like ****
Worthless
Hated
Unloved
Alone
The final gunslinger, taking his stand
Draws his pistols, hipfiring
And in his stance, thumb through belt loop
Hat down over his eyes
Ashamed of his instant reaction,
His ability to **** and inability to remain emotionless

Go on, press record
Put it on Facebook
Let everyone know what you really are:
A cowardly bystander

A sliver, a shadow,
Peeking round the corner
I try to shy, to run and hide,
But it's always behind my shoulder

Grabs a hold, won't let go
Can anyone relate? I'll never know
Look in the mirror to try and see
The demon standing next to me

It walks like me, talks like me,
Laughs like me, acts like me
Follows me, tortures me,
Asphyxiating, I CAN'T BREATHE

Wanna run, I know I can't hide
From the demon I released and harboured inside..

And it affects me so...
Can't, let, go.....

So I'll live with it,
Accept it
This is my life now
As much as I want it to go,
It's my silhouette, my shadow...

I'd like it to go
As far away as possible
But as much as I want it gone...
Like a part of me, it belongs...

I'm paranoid, always look around
Turn fast at even the slightest sound
Can't help it, just how I am
Hopefully you understand

I know I'm being watched, by what lies behind
The past and the present like cars collide
In shattered glass, flying past,
Slow-motion, infinitely lasts

Slam the brakes but it's too late
Accelerate guarantees the fate
Things will happen and will be seen
By the shadow that lurks behind the scenes

And it sees me so,
And can't seem to let me go...

So I'll live with it,
Accept it
This is my life now
As much as I want it to go,
It's my silhouette, my shadow...

I'd like it to go
As far away as possible
But as much as I want it gone...
Like a part of me, it belongs...

Let go, let go...
A part of me that I want gone
But like my soul I guess it belongs
Go, goooooo....
I guess I'll just get used to it
Despite the fact it lacks common sense

Mesmerized by what lies inside
Dwells in my skull, lives in my mind
Showing me, these corrupted dreams
Behind my eyes, more than it seems

Wilted roses, pouring rain
Not a word but the roaring pain
Scratching and tearing, flesh left raw
Growling and biting and sharpening claws

Shining eyes belie rage denied
Moonlit skies, moonstruck cries
Enraged and entrapped by thorns, kept safe
Let us loose, witness our showcase

"Your life isn't hard, it has no stress
I am kindred, so I know best"
Without, surveillance, how could you know
I'm all wound up and I'm ready to go!

Don't tell me what I have not felt
Don't tell me about the cards I've been dealt
You suffer too, we both suffocate
Can't ease our symptoms unless we medicate!

Angry you've been, angry I am!
You've walked in these shoes so you should understand!
Crimson is our bloodline, destroy what we hate!
I hate myself so it's only my fate!

Yet tell me I'm joking, call me a mimic
It ****** me off so I don't want to hear it!
How can you act like you knew all along
I don't ******* get it, YOU'RE SO ******* WRONG!

Authorities called, was a couple of years
Seeing you talking, confirmed all my fears
You haven't a clue, you don't understand,
I have no filters, I say what I am!

When I cry out for help and you tell them I'm fine
I can't confess these desires for crime!
You say there's no worry, you say I'm okay
WHO THE **** ARE YOU TO SAY!

You think you know me, you know nothing at all!
YOU, KNOW, NOTHING AT ALL!
YOU, KNOW, NOTHING AT ALL!
YOU, KNOW, ABSOLUTELY **** ALL!

So keep on talking, it amuses me so
This pain and this anguish, denied by your hope
Deluded you are, remember this thought:
No such roses, grow such thorns!

He has words
Hiding in his mind
That he's ready to release
A jailbreak, another crime

But he chokes
The words fall
Back down his throat
He can't call

He can't speak
How the hell is he gonna pass his speech
His class looks
They all look up
Simultaneously closing their books

Another failure
Oh wow what a surprise
Contrary to behaviour
He can't talk, so who the f_ck's gonna play saviour?

I will

I'll say what he had to say
Seeing as how he can't say it in his place
Because his face
Is paralysed
As he looks up to the skies
Surprised
As deep inside his hope dies

Just like it did, that one day
When a strong current almost had him swept away
But a girl came to save him
So stunned by events his response was a grin
The situation grim
She calmly smiled back
Told him everything's okay, there's no pain, just relax

They spoke once the got back onto the shore
Laughing, pushed him, like "why'd you scare me for?"
Introduced each other, so close like sister and brother
In love with one another
But thinking the other doesn't feel that
Way

The last time they spoke, a warm summers night
He kissed her hand in polite mockery, said goodnight
Because to him you see, she was royalty,
And he truly believed
He'd see her soon
But was deceived

He was barely three blocks away,
So caught up in images of her face
He didn't hear her scream

Now every year, on a specific day
He says "Happy Birthday" above her grave
To a corpse rotting underneath, that felt no pain
But was blissfully unaware of his suffering

And every year would you believe he shed tears
This helplessness he felt became his biggest fear
It flowed through his veins, a part of his blood
So in his misery he was so often misunderstood

And nobody knew, because he didn't tell
Of that one day he fell from His Grace to burn in Hell
He felt guilty, despite his hands being clean
He wasn't the killer but was haunted by that scream

The one he never heard

So many people wander, suffering alone
With memories untold, oh so broken and cold
Believing, knowing, that no-one cares
As they huddle by a fire hoping for a share

A little piece of that place called Heaven
Hoping that when they go, sins'll be forgiven
And hoping it's soon, praying that they'll be taken
Don't mean to be rude but in my eyes they are mistaken

How can someone who suffers be sent to God?
So many suffer and I think He just forgot
To come back to us, he's abandoned us
All we need is someone to turn to, somebody to trust!

How can someone so innocent and so **** beautiful
Be taken so easily, misplaced, a broken tool
Who when smelted, smelted down in the flames of Death
Be truly at peace with their last breath?

And leave behind a legacy in just one's heart
That to this very day still shreds him apart?
When this happened back when I was just twelve
And deeper and deeper into my skin I delve

Trying to find an answer to this riddle
Clench my teeth, with a blade and with my nerves fiddle
Trying to dig her out, she left me helpless
And I cut myself, self-destruct because I was helpless!

Kids at school they still tease me
Bully me
Laugh at me
Just to make me angry
Like all I want is just to be happy
But can you be happy when others aren't happy with me?

These are the words he wanted to say
Didn't want a warm welcome or biblical praise
He's just another broken kid with words to rhyme
I hope you understand, and thank you for your time

A friend is someone
Who stays
By your side
Through thick and thin
The shoulder to cry on
And when bad deeds are done
Someone to whom you can confess your sin.
Always there for you
Always care about you
Even when times are tough
Someone who helps you through the rough.
The shoulder to cry on
The one who helps you drive on
Through the pain
Again and again.
And still remain standing
At the end of the day.

Imagine
The starving cries
Of those who will surely die
Hollow stomachs left unsatisfied

Imagine
The soldier who fights on
Remains strong
Until he passes his final breath
Safe within the embrace of death

Imagine
The kids on the street
Heads hung low in defeat
As they struggle to eat and sleep

Imagine
The slaves that work
Who just want to go bezerk
But haven't the energy after slaving in the desert

Imagine
A happier world, a better place
Where it isn't shameful to be of the human race
Where our own species isn't cast away in disgrace

Imagine
A place where freedom isn't longed for,
But had.
Imagine orphans no longer being orphans
Safe with their mum and their dad

Imagine
A world where our mistakes are erased
A world where we have a clean slate
A fresh start, served on a silver plate
Where greed and obsession never decided your fate.

Imagine a world where everyone belonged
Imagine a world where no-one had been wronged

I don't wanna die alone
But I'm the only one that walks this road
Flashing in my eyes
Blinded by falsities

(I walk alone)

Falling silent when I speak
Clamour loudly as I weep
Stitched up mouth, who am I now?
Grunts of pain, the only sound

Ignored back then and still today
Excluded always, as I fade
Then they ask me why I'm quiet
I don't choose to sit in silence

Are you ok? I'm just fine
My reply, a dotted line
That which i ask is what I fear
Query turned, and so I steer

I speak of games, I speak of songs
I ignore the list of wrongs
All the shadows' whispered words
They cause my skull to hurt

I am calm, I am the storm
In the dark I'll be reborn
In my lust I drive away
They do not need to stay

Woe is me, I'm all alone
Typing poems on my phone
Isolated by personality
Dissociated from reality

I drown myself in music
So that I cannot hear
My own mother beating my sisters
There's nothing I can do, and that is what I fear

I drown myself in music
Because if I don't I'll drown in anger
Why the fck do you hit my sisters?
DO YOU GET FCKING PEASURE?!

I drown myself so I cannot listen
To my sister's innocence being beaten out
They'll be as FCKED AS YOU!
Driven by anger, primal instinct and DOUBT!

I DON'T WANNA LISTEN
TO WHAT I WENT THROUGH AS A CHILD
SO I DROWN MYSELF IN MUSIC
AS IT KEEPS ME SANE!
UNLIKE YOU, YOU'RE FCKING WILD!!!!

I always asked if she were alright
Before I knew she wasn't
Always and always, sometimes I though it annoyed her
But to have someone must've been a relief

She began to be honest with me, said that she wasn't
She didn't cut but she hurt herself
At first I was concerned, I tried to help
By telling her to talk to a professional

She did, eventually, but by then I had gone
I guess, the stress... I couldn't take it anymore
The length of time where all I did was talk
Not capable of action, and she just kept at it

Not sure if she still does, if she does she'd say nothing
For I left her, my selfish reasons, my limits pushed
My way out of self-destruction, was only to leave behind
A girl I had grown to love

Now I destroy myself anyway
I harm myself to release myself
Stress, anger, depression or impulse
Now I see why she harmed herself

Anyone else hear the sum of their life
Not in the ringing of chimes
But the hum before they fade away?

Yeah I've seen some ****
And felt deeply about all of it,
Been places and seen faces, wish I could forget
And some things I wanna take back, that I shouldn't have said

But it's easier said than done,
The past catches me up whenever I try to run
So I reflect on how I'm such a reject
Not accepted simply because I'm different

But not everyone sees what I see
That everybody's different, in their own way unique
Some believe in love at first sight, I didn't
And if she sees this she'll probably be suspicious

But there's so many different meanings for the word love
And so many times I think I've had enough
Of trying my hand at trying to hold another's hand
I put in more effort than I seem to, understand?

It's just another facade, another masquerade
Of people hiding thoughts and ideals so that they stay safe
But how in the world is this world gonna change,
When nobody opens up and it all stays the same?

A girl with a gun and nowhere to run
The last bullet loaded, a mission to be done
Completion will defeat her demons, her beast,
The voice that keeps her awake at night, prevents her sleep

It compels and yells at her, gets her to cut
Her wrists are slit and she knows its ******
So she clicks the safety off, and draws the slide
The bullet and her skull like planets collide

Looking down at her body, she sees the blood
A tidal wave of red, a sluggish flood
Her sight fades to black, and then it's gone
The weight off her chest and in Death; alone

She forgot about me...

Some days when I wake up
I look around, wanna burn the world
All we've done is fcked up
Now its time to get fcked

All these empty threats
And all these meaningless bets
Could only ever make us
End up at the edge

Other times I wake up
And look up at the ceiling
Wondering about my purpose and is it
Really true meaning?

To make others happy
They say you gotta be happy
A puppet on a string a smile
And a diamond ring

Don't sugar coat it
I'm allowed to feel like ****
And still make others smile
Even though it's been a while

Since I did so myself

Impatience is the impairment of patience
Where it is imperative, should be noted
That the implication of impatience
Is the lack of it thereof,
That is, patience
And not having the time to
Improve upon waiting

It's not necessarily a bad thing
Sometimes it's best to rip the bandaid quickly

It's another day,
Nothing's changed
You'd think it boring
When it stays the same

Perhaps it is,
But not to me
You could call it bad,
Predictability

I get by,
With my wicked ways
I'd load up
Though I know the names

**** digging my way to hell
I'll just take the elevator

Isn't it strange how strangers
Aren't at all strange
And "friends" and "family" are the ones
Providing you with the dangers?

Every glance in the mirror
Seeing the spitting image of my dad
And mad because
I could never be that

That man
Worth ten times what I could ever be
And all this I see
Every time my eyes wander

Over a reflective surface
The pain he keeps bottled up inside
No **** it hurts
He looks into a puddle, that
Shows him his own sorrow

And it endless
And like a newborn baby
Helpless, defenceless
And as always, friendless

They say appreciate what you got,
I got nothing
I sometimes wish I could turn it
Into something

But who is really there for me,
When I need them most
And I bet you all probably
Raise your hands in support

But I know next to none of you
And you can call this a pity party, if you will
But it's the only sorta party I get invited to
So pardon me while I pop this pill

The one that takes me to Wonderland
Right before I die
The one that makes me fade away
At the end of the night

Too long I have spent,
Shrouded in shadow
That I have forgotten the sunlight,
And within my pain and suffering grow

It is time to shake off
This lethargy that binds me
And blinds me
With lies and such atrocities

I yearn for the light,
But the shadows are all too familiar
It clings to me, my family,
Even though it brings pain and such things similar

Shadows are an absence of light,
Therefore no good comes with it
Yet shadows are always with me,
And I am finding it hard to split

I will try with all my might
To crawl out of my shadowy hellhole
And bathe myself in brightness,
Whilst I reclaim what the night stole

(My Hope)

Back when I was younger,
Still growing and getting stronger
I was asked "what do you want to be when you're older?"
I said I wanted to be in the Army

Looking up to my Dad,
My absent role-model
As he fought overseas
He was my only idol

I wanted to serve a greater cause
Fight for what is right, no hesitation no pause
Just end what is wrong to make the world a better place
Meet these terrorists with a gun, fighting face to face

But then I heard some stories of war
A man went over not knowing what to fight for
Should he fight because he must, who could he really trust?
So many doubts and he ended up at Deaths door

Could you just imagine
All the carnage and the damage?
**** that, imagine standing next to
What remains of your friend

Being the one to carry him
Off of the battlefield
And laying him to rest in
An unscarred, peaceful, quiet field

I just don't think I could cope
No matter how much I want to fight
Torn in two, between wrong and right
Between the warmth of the dark and the cold light

I forgive too quickly,
To me this is sickening
The beast inside of me, unleashed
Wishes to be a blade, unsheathed

Released into the world
Spinning, twist and twirl
Manipulate events, unfurl
A masterpiece, coloured swirls

It makes me feel helpless
I have too many morals
I follow them whether they help me
Or alone, I call

I have warned them
It's the last chance they will get
The satisfaction may be real
But I may end up in regret

Fogged-up glass
Rain drops
Blood drops
Spattering,
****** handprint
Streaking down like the rain

Imaging flashing into my head
I need to turn this into a proper poem

Infected by my hatred
Yet you're the one who gave it
Now you come back to take it
I was a carrier but now it's faded

Now I have no drive
What's life if you don't feel alive?
What can be done
To bring back all the fun?

A sad sky and dark eyes
Tears fall, the world cries inside
It cries, as do I
At all the pain I left behind

Dead yet I'm still breathing
Dead yet my heart's beating
If you cut me I'd still be bleeding
A demon awakes and it is feeding

I've got nothing left to lose
Except, perhaps, just you
This emptiness runs right through
Makes me not know what to do

So I was a carrier of hatred
Now I'm a carrier of nothing
This body was so tainted
With the thought of somebody

I love you, immensely,
Intensely, you set free,
The best of luck, to lust and ****,
Nobody tries contesting

Everything that you see, I don't, can't believe
Let me see the best of me
Perhaps then I won't seem
U-g-ly

Im loyal, and trusting
Guidance is everything
For you I'd give anything
My heart my soul for a diamond ring!

For you are worth more than the stars
That twinkle in the broken glass
The shadows the voices the blood and the pain
I'd suffer it all for you to smile again...

When your friend says goodbye,
But she also says,
"I can't be here anymore
Nobody understands my pain"

What do I do?
I'm scared...

Every room is empty
And every seat is bare
There's no-one home I'm here alone
Yet still I feel the stares

It follows me into my home
When I sleep I'm not alone
I shrug it off but it won't get lost
It's with me when I roam

The feeling of being watched
It gives me paranoia
I twist and turn, I feel the burn
Around my neck it coils

This weight on my shoulders
Combined with this glare
Buck and roll, duck and dodge
It's with me everywhere I go

I'm tired of chasing,
Unwillingly hating
Everything and anything
That makes my mind all hazy
Maybe
If I understood things just a little
Better
Then maybe I'd be squeaky clean
From now till
Forever

But I love to hate, and hate born from society
That unfair mother-f_cker that destroyed the best of me
My own little sister
Whenever she needs comfort
Turns away from me and toward
Her supposed loving mother
Who harmed me with wicked lies
That made me die inside
And I cried
Determined into her past I pried
And I found something
I should've let go
But it's hard to release a part of your heart
When it's bound to you,
Y'know?

But I tried
It's a struggle to push through everyday
Memories and pictures that within my own mind
Sway
Amplified
By the natural instinct, desire to hide
To hide away someplace,
Give up and
Just
Die

But I gotta stay strong
Fight my urge to wrong
I at least owe that to a "happy family"
Those who wronged me
I see this with clarity
But it's the part of me that takes pride
In donating to charity
My split and splitting divisions
Mindset, shows
Insanity

But not the monster I hold
In the darkness he grows
Old
And even though I hold him
So close
He grows bold
And I try to make him obey
Doesn't do what he's told
This vicious beast of fangs and claws he
Loves to roar!

But control is necessary
Others better be wary
Of angering
The demon that can be
Me
So please, just leave me alone
Because I'm an archive that holds everything you ever
Did wrong
To *me!

Walking through the mist
Barely seeing anything but haunting faces,
Making me feel as though I am a time traveller,
Caught in a present where he does not belong,
As an integral part of an experiment he had no choice in joining,
And when he hits the line between chaos and order
With enough force to divorce such fault, and mix it,
It becomes himself.

It becomes me

So thank God for this mist
That I may not see the evil that is me,
And live the good that is the rest

An acid that burns me up
Falling slowly, drop by drop

Too caught up in my own affairs
To really show that much care

Self-pity comes so easy
I don't show it much but my heart is bleeding

And once again, I pity myself
And shudder at the name of someone else

Star Gazer:
Unlucky overlord from sydney australia. Named hidden agenda before.

We conversed in only poetry remember?

For once where the tyre swing hung on the tree
Now hangs a broken noose....

Remember?

Conor Blatchford:
I remember, for our poetic talk
Became our poetry
And I always did enjoy
The leisure of a pleasant memory

Star Gazer:
A pleasant memory twas,
But memories get forgotten,
But I do send applause,
For a memory unlike cotton.

Conor Blatchford:
Applause graciously accepted,
No roses are thrown but none needed
That memory was but a play, one of many
That in life will continually be seeded

Star Gazer:
Until uprooted without reason
Dangling onto what is left,
And heart plays traitor in treason,
And memory is but a theft.

Conor Blatchford:
True, memory is not quite the event
But tend and care for it like any plant
And it will grow into something fond
Something that becomes more real and less like a mask

Star Gazer:
Humans are attracted to masks,
Cruel facades are what we have known all our lives.

Conor Blatchford:
A façade makes life worthwhile
A display of grace and eloquent style
Hiding what we truly are
Is perfectly understandable, not in the least bizarre

Star Gazer:
But where is the line between imaginary and reality,
Feeding false hopes and liee to banality,
It is just one step closer to hell,
And one stop further from heaven as well

Conor Blatchford:
Heaven and Hell are concepts designed
To induce goodness and quell pride
For even though evil creates a social reject,
An old saying re-written: no-one is perfect

So how are we supposed to climb
The stairway to Heaven with imperfection in mind?
Wouldn't it be just easier to fall
Into the Hellhole that awaits us all?