You've only seen a glimpse of my world.
A glimpse of my hatred,
happiness,
sadness,
depression,
anxiety,
loneliness.

A glimpse of whatever I want to show you because I'm scared.
Scared of how you'll see me when I sob on the ground because I've dropped a plate.
And yes, it may be just a plate but I've been so clumsy and tired.
Disturbed and discouraged by the voices.
The last thing I want to do is drop a ******* plate.

I'd be rattled if you knew that I can't function without pills.
I hate taking them because I can't feel,
But I don't want to hear anymore voices.
I don't want to be the usual freak on the street you know.

If you knew how hard it was for me to get out of bed you'd be surprised.
I only slept three hours last night but I was terrorized the whole time by my own personal demons.
I lay there with my eyes bloodshot and wide open, my body numb.
I want to get up, but what is there for me when I do?
Work?
Like I'd actually want to be there.

If you knew that people stared at me and thought I was hot until the scars adorning my body changed their minds.
And the whispers began.
"Oh my god..." "She's so ugly, such a freak." "******* emo's."
I don't go outside without long clothes anymore.
The only good thing is that I don't have to shave anymore.

I don't visit my family.
I haven't in the last 2 years.
They don't need to see the person I've become.
Even though they've helped made me this way.
And they never stop calling, and calling, and calling!
Can't they understand that I don't want to talk!?
Oh, yes!
Another ******* breakdown.
This time, I didn't drop the plate on accident.

I'm no good to anyone broken.
So I'd rather pretend to be fine and smile.
Than to let you in...
Than to let you see more than that glimpse of what is really *me.

rough draft:
Hang a picture of me up on your wall.
Don’t forget me, I was your first love.
I’d also like to be your last, you were my first and only friend.
It felt as if you wanted to hang me from the tree, all your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive.
I couldn’t see past the tears, they blinded me.
They blinded me from seeing you walking away.
They remained sketched into my memory whenever I thought of you, my first and only friend, lover, soulmate.
First, you hanged me on tree of love, and I felt warm, happy, a life worth wanting.
Then you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn’t asking, ‘Are you okay?’ ‘Why aren’t you talking to me?’ ‘Is there someone else?’’
Lastly, you hanged me on the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn’t breathe, move, or speak.
I asked you why, but you didn’t say anything to me.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I fell to the ground and weeped as you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you to be my sweet, until you hung me on that ******* tree and left me weak.

revised version:
Hang a picture of me up on you wall.
Don't forget me,
I was your first love.
I wanted to be your last.
You were my first and only friend.
Also my first and only love.
But, things change.
You changed.

It felt as if you wanted to hang me from a tree.
All your screams were choking me, they were the rope that held me captive in your terror.
I couldn't see past the tears, they blinded me.
Blinded.
Blinded me from seeing you walk away.
The bruises on my neck remained etched into my memory,
whenever I thought of you.
My first and only friend.
Lover.
Soulmate.

First, you hanged me on the tree of worry, and I couldn't stop asking.
Are you okay?
Why aren't you talking to me?
Is there someone else?

And then it was the tree of heartbreak, and I couldn't breathe.
Move,
Speak.
I gripped the rope as hard as I could and ****** in air, trying to hold on.
Trying not to shatter, just like my heart.
I screamed at you, and you showed me your back.
I finally released my self from the noose, falling hard.
Weeping while you laughed.
I wanted you, and only you.
To be my sweet,
Until you hung me on that ******* tree,
And left me weak.

I used to like you, a lot.
My heart soared when you called my phone
My eyes bulged when you texted me five years later
And you called me gorgeous
Something I’ve heard so many times but it only mattered when
You said it
To me
And I thought that those feelings were gone
And I suddenly can’t tell if it’s because you’re back or if they never went away
I’m missing you
But at the same time I’ve forgotten everything we did
It’s like I pushed it to the back of mind
And somehow it got lost
And it’s come all back to haunt me
My brain hurts
With those feelings
From 2013
Because the feelings I have for you now
In 2017
Don’t feel the same
So should I even try?
Where’s your head?
Why can’t you focus?
Why can’t you decide?
Why won’t you just understand
That he’s not it
And you’re better off alone
He’s just a reminder of everything
You could never be
Someone’s lover
Someone’s everything

You were right.
He only meant to use you for your body
And not your brains
All for your looks
And not your intellect
He wanted you for one thing
And not the rest
He was just another person
Wasting your time
And another person
Telling you lies
He was just another person
Just an excuse
And he made you question why
He just lied to you
So he could get his nut off
And have fun
While you cry
And he smiles
While you die inside
And you wish you never took the chance
Because you got hurt again
And although it won’t be the last time
It’s going to hurt for a while

i'll never be as pretty as her
wear the clothes she wears
be her size? gosh, that's gonna take a while
i want to be with you
but i can't be what you want me to be
i can't act like her or be like her
if so,
what will happen to *me?

the current flows rapidly down my cheeks
and my eyes puffy like balloons
my face quivering, the sobs erupting from my mouth
my knees weak
my heart shattered
i tell myself i shouldn't cry
that i'll be okay
but how do i know that?
how do i know that this hurt is going to stop?
what if it never stops?
is it like a toothache?
the pain comes and goes, only getting stronger and stronger until you have to get it taken out?
what if i can't remove this pain like i can my tooth?
what if this ache in my heart won't heal and the crack will never mend?
who am i to know what my heart wants?
maybe it's tired of my reckless decisions and has decided that it doesn't want to be healed
maybe it will stay this way and prepare for the next wave of pain to come just like that toothache
but...
what happens when the pain is finally too much?
can i die from a broken heart?
how will i prepare for another love?
how do i know that this is the one?
how do i know that he loves me?
how do i know when it's finally going to end?
how...

How long should I sit here and pretend that I haven't wanted to end it for 17 years?
How long should I say 'I'm good' when I was just crying the bathroom ten minutes ago?
How long should I stare in the mirror and say 'Maybe I'll cut my hair tomorrow' knowing deep down I won't go for the next six months.
How long should I avoid the inevitable?
How long is too long?
How long can I look at this world, this society, and think that this is the type of world I want to live in?

"What was your first cut like?"

          I was in the seventh or eighth grade. I was curious, I wondered why others did it. I did it on my pinky finger, my right hand and I jumped, it was with a razor and it didn't hurt, but it was only a matter of time until I got addicted.

"You got addicted?"
        
          I didn't know that self-harm would be my outlet, nor did I know that my depression, anxiety, and mood swings for come into full effect my junior year of high school. I was so angry, so sad, so emotional that it was one of the first things that came to my mind. I went away at my body, I can't remember where I started, but all I know is that I wanted to feel pain. I **needed to feel it. It was a numb feeling at first, I couldn't feel a thing but the blood seeping out of my wounds made me feel okay, as if to say, "You're still alive, you're still here." And that's when I knew I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Have you ever been addicted to anything else?"

          Pills. I started taking those before I did cutting. They gave me a high and even if it only lasted for an hour and I got the headache, it was worth it afterwards. I was away, I could think what I wanted to and the voices would stop. I'd take eight at a time and I didn't care, as long as I got my high. For a while, it was all I lived for.

"Do you regret any of it?"

          No, you wanna know why? Because it made me, me. I am who I am today because of those decisions. I was doing what every other teenager who had home problems and bullying at school, did; surviving. It was better than offing myself, something I thought about doing so many times. I still do, to this day. The doctors tell you that depression is hereditary but anyone can become depressed, in my opinion at least. Most times, you're already swimming in it a while before you actually realize it.

trying not to tumble
in a world with so many obstacles
makes it a thousand times harder
but it makes you strong
yet,
at what cost?
destroying every bit of you
until there's almost nothing left
only for you to say 'at least i made it out alive
is that any better than being dead
at least then you won't have to remember

Love galore
It was all being given to you and none to me
Showered in abuse instead of love
Embraced on the cheek with a fist instead of a kiss
Looked at with disgust instead of admiration
Told that I'll never be able to leave but you can't wait until I'm dead
I'm the one loving you when no one else is
The only one treasuring you when no one does
Still in love with you because i know you won't make it alone
But here I am, loving you
When you don't love me
Stuck in this 'love galore'

you can't help but stare
and stare
and stare
until you hate everything about your face
how many freckles you have
pimples
it can only cover the scars for so long
the insecurities for so long
lips coated in thick red
eyes you coat with liner and eye shadow
face caked with foundation
baked with powder
contoured to the gods
eyebrows on fleek
you slay
sometimes you don't recognize yourself in the mirror
and it makes you happy because you can't imagine living the rest of your life looking you without make-up.
will you ever love you?
you, without the makeup?

My blood is pulsing
wait.
her blood.
it's pulsing, hot and hard.
she's screaming and only i know why.
i wanted to make her stop, but i can't.
she's hurt, i know that.
i feel her hurt, i feel her hear shattering.
i am her.
but it doesn't feel like it.
it doesn't feel like me.
no matter how hard i close my eyes
im still me.
im still her.
im still here.

My edge
My straight edge
Cuts deep
And doesn’t want to let go
My straight edge
Loves to make you remember everything
But she wants you to forget too
My straight edge
Loves a game
And she’ll play it with you
My straight edge
Is a force to be reckoned
Beware
My straight edge
Is my worst nightmare
And paradise from hell
My straight edge
Is many things
But never has she left me

i want to forget everything exists and that love is blind
that the color of my skin wasn't such a bad thing to others
and that i could've never met my 'first love'
i wish *** wasn't such a popular thing and it didn't matter in a relationship.
i wish for my soul to be free and my body to be tatted with purple and white ink symbolizing that i've finally let go of the pain that i've been wishing to shed
and that someone could understand my pain and that i hate being alone but-
if i were to tell them, would they think i mentally ill? that i should be institutionalized and considered a lunatic?
why is it do we shame the ones that are not considered 'normal'?
what is wrong with our society?
since when did being homeless mean you were of less than any other?
the rich aint ****, everyone can see it.
the album is 12 dollars but you'll only donate 1?

Our love wasn't really love, but it still hurt when I saw her.
I whisked away the pain like whisking the lumps out of cake batter.
They were still there.
Just like my love for you was.
It's silly because it's been so long but every time we talked I still felt your touch as if you were right next to me,
Like you used to be.
Just as warm as I remembered.
And I shouldn't think about the imaginary 'us' because I'm supposed to be in love with someone else but,
I just love you,
So much.
I didn't think you'd be with someone so soon.
I knew that you wouldn't wait around,
but I had this bit of hope that you'd stay, just a bit longer.
I pushed you of my head,
But, here you are again, making me remember things I shouldn't.
At least not while I'm with him.
He doesn't make me smile like you did.
Or laugh,
Or cry.
He's not you and I'm having a hard time trying not to compare him to you but it's so hard when all I can think of is you,
With her,
And her,
With you,
And the love we had,
Gone.

why should i pretend that you haven't hurt me
that i haven't hurt you
that we haven't hurt us
why should we pretend that what we had was golden when we both know that we screamed all night and we cried our hearts out trying to make it work
knowing it would fail
but we made it ours
although it is no longer
it feels good to know
that you don't have to pretend anymore
you can love with someone else without pretending
i'm not there yet
i'm still hanging on
just a bit longer
missing how it feels to pretend

I knew I was going to fall in love with him
When I heard his voice on the other side of the phone
I knew I was going to fall in love with him before it was even real between us
And we were tight
Everyday we talked
And everyday we shared
And I realized
That I had fallen in fast
And way too deep
I lost it a few times
But brought myself back on my feet
And he’s knocked me down so many times
Yet
Still I rise
And it hurt
But I kept going
Until he said “I cherish you as a friend”
And that’s when I realized
That I swam down to the bottom
And wasn’t sure if I’d make it back up
I’d lost myself in him
And couldn’t find the exit
And all I could was grip
And clutch onto something
That no longer wanted me
I was being held captive by his voice
And by my broken heart
Who just couldn’t let go
I’ll always have love for him
But I know that it won’t ever be
Even all of those times when he said “just wait for me”
I can’t wait any longer
I have a life to live
But I know one day we’ll speak again
And we’ll do these things
All over again

Will you remember me?
My smile, my teeth, the feel of my lips?
Or my laugh?
The way I held your hand?
I always made sure our pinkies were wrapped together.
How about the first time I told you I loved you?
Will you remember any of it?
I know we ended five months ago but I can't help but to want you still.
And hope that you want me too.
Do you remember the time that we snuck into the grocery store at 5 am and ate all of their kisses?
We threw up all day after that.
But, it was with you, so it was worth it.
Oh, there's the time when we made love on top of your roof.
It was cold, but you made me warm.
You told me you loved me right after.
I hung onto those words.
I still do.
Will you do any of these things with her?
Will she make you squirt a vanilla milkshake out of your nose like I did?
Do you lose yourself in her the way you did with me?
Did she become you, and you, her?
Was there a time when you couldn't tell the difference, because you two were so alike?
We loved each other for three years and although you're ready to let go, i'm not.
I miss you.

poking at his rib cage
i thought of all of the wonderful times
ive spent with him
not knowing that this would be my last time poking his rib cage
i smiled and laughed in his face
he loved me the way i loved me
or so i thought
and the betrayal finally set in
when the messages stopped flowing in
and the block on all of social media shocked me as well
until my friend had shown that while you were studying abroad
you were going steady with a beautiful french girl

somehow i had started to bleed
my wrists and their scars were open
pouring into the river
eyes cry red drops of blood
falling down my cheek, lips, and chin
yet i can't feel a thing
if anything the regret lifts from my shoulders and sets me free
but i still feel the little bit of blood stuck in my one side of my heart
that i can never seem to get rid of
and the other half never seems to fill back up
so i wait
and wait
until it's a full river of blood
and
then
i
jump

is it weird that i think hell,
might just be,
the perfect place for me?
not that i dont want to be in heaven.
but am i,
simple ol' me,
good enough for god?
i tell lies,
sometimes i talk behind peoples back,
i don't always respect my parents,
and i even think that im too good for people sometimes.
does that make me bad?
well,
it sure doesn't make me good

As the violinist brushes the bow against the instrument
She takes in a deep breath
She takes in those painful memories
And she exhales
They’re gone
Hitting her in flashes
She has to overcome the darkness that stands in the way of her light
She is torn
Because even if she wants to leave her past
She still holds some of those memories clutched tight to her thumping heart
Even the ones that haunt her the most
You see
She is split down the middle
Her mind is saying go
But her body won’t even tilt
She’s frozen stuck in a life
That she had wept about in nightmares
She was strong
But she couldn’t wrap her mind around living like this anymore
She got the message when her eyes would no longer shine
And she had to force a smile on to her face
She just wanted to be normal again
She wanted her violin to bring her joy
Once more
It had been her only sanctuary
The only place she called home

Will you hold me?
Tell me you'll never leave
That will be forever?
That stay strong is our 'okay'?
Tell me....

Tell me you'll only love me and no one else.
Please.
Please don't make this hard for me because I depend on you.
I depend on everything you say and it seems like you hate me for loving you.
You hate the though of loving me
You'd never touch me
I'm poisonous to you and it kills me that you don't want me.
Literally.
Self harm was never my thing but you made me drag the razor along my veins and cry out in pain as the blood dripped onto your white T-shirt.
It still smells like you.
You took a piece away from me and even you didn't say you loved me but I know you felt for me
you felt
But i dont understand
I don't understand why you stopped feeling for me.
And you never tell me.
*Why?

You stole my heart and made it warm
The freezing temperature was starting to get old
You filled the hole
The hole no one could fill
You made me love
You made me love you
I started to trust you
Even though I didn't know you
I didn't know you
But you knew me
And that's was wrong
You were hiding your identity
The person I wanted to love was hiding inside
While you only showed me the other guy
The other part of you
The part that tricked me
Oh, how I wish
I knew the *real you.

I hope you can deal with my grumpiness in the morning
My snoring through the night
Sometimes I even talk in my sleep
I'll want you to cook all the time and cuddle me too
I hope you're warm and smell good
Please be able to take a joke
I love to laugh
Love me with all you have
Kiss me like it's the last time you ever will
Look past my eyes and into my soul
See me for my heart and not the body it's attached to
Love me for me and I'll do the same for you
My future husband, I love you.