I'm ****** up in the head
One step closer to suicidal
As a kid I thought I was happy
I misinterpreted.
I wasn't happy
I lived.
I lived for another day.
I sacrificed my happiness.
I let go.
its gone.
And  I can't bring it back.
I tried
I tried to love.
I tried everything.
The only thing left is to die...

Goodbye.

Okay.
I admit.
I still like you.
I wanted you to be my first kiss.
Love.
Everything.
Wasn't meant to be I'm not gonna trip.
Just know that I felt like I loved you.
Why are you so hard to dismiss?
Why can't I stop thinking about you?
Why isn't **** simple?
Loves not hard its the people you try to love.
The people you want to accept.
I know I'm whiny
Irritating
And very insecure
But why don't you love me?
Even if we're a thousand miles away from each other..
I'd wait
I'd wait for you.
Plain and simple.

If I said I was a hero,
Would you believe?
Or do you only believe what you see?
Do you not believe in blessings from god?
Or do you only believe in what you see?
We breath oxygen,
But can you see it?
But you believe in it, right?
Exactly.

I'd love to say hi once more.
To see you again
To begin a netter relationship
I didn't know you well
And now that you're gon I regret.
I miss your face now, because I know I won't see it again.
I won't hear your laugh
Or laugh at you sleeping sitting up.
I won't be able to watch you pat my dads back
Or stare off into your own world.
I'll miss you.
Forever and always.
But i know I'll see you again
And I'll smile your way.
Rest in Paradise,
Cause I know
You're finally happy again.

I just wanted it to be simple.
Why can't life be easy?
Why do we contradict ourselves?
Why is it as teens adults think we don't know what we want in life?
I'm tired.
I dont want to go to college..
I don't want to be scared of being killed by the police.
I don't want to argue.
I don't I don't I don't.
I complain so much when I know I could be sleeping outside on winter nights.
But who can blame me for wanting happiness?
Who can blame me for crying away my pain?
For complaining about my pain.
I just want an answer and no ones giving it.

I want to travel to the deepest part of your soul.
I want to know your darkest secrets and nightmares.
I want to inflict pain on you.
But I cant.
It'll just hurt me too.

Crush my heart and pretend you didn't do it.
Pretend you didn't hurt me.
Pretend you didn't lead me on.
Pretend that this was a silly game,
Even though-
Even though you made it seem real
Made it seem like you really fell
That you really felt.
That you could be the one I call my sweet.
My love.
My only.
The one to fill me with joy.
Only to make me cry at the thought of your name.
It was all just a lie, right?
It was a lie.
You manipulated.
You made me feel.
Only to be emotionless.
I want closure.
I want a lot of things that I can't get from you.
I just wanted love.
But I looked in the wrong places.
You.

Who's to say we're not equal?
What makes you think you're better than me?
We all have a past and nightmares that haunt us
So what makes you better than me?
So what if I don't have the newest Jordan's?
How does that make you better than me?
If I don't understand everything like you do
Does it make you better than me?
No.
I am my own person, I am.
I am a raging fire that is going to succeed.
Not on your terms.
Mine.
I shall not do for you
But for me.
For who I love.
For what I see.
So,
Who's to say you're better than me?

*******
I never needed you anyways
A figment of my imagination
You didn't come to stay
You left when you wanted to
Leaving things behind
You left me standing there
Wet, damp eyes
The sobs reached your ears but you ignored it
You ignored me
You left me for dead
Wrapping the rope around my skin and kicking the chair
Was the sin I should've made.

Crisp dollar bills fill your mind
Since when did greed consume you?
Why is it power is all that matters?
Why is love a non-factor?
When did you lose yourself?
Why did you let go?
Why did you stop believing?
I thought you were so much more.

Broken pieces align my heart,
Waiting to be filled.
Butterflies fly in my stomach
Hands clammy from your touch
Mind crazy from your voice
Its what I call love
Its what I call admiration
The beauty of it all
But you never understand it all
Until you fall
Until its been ripped out of you
And made you believe,
You were nothing after all
Until it made you stop and think,
"Did I really fall in love?"
Until you scream,
"****, I hate you all!"
Until you understand that you are no longer-
No longer who you are
No longer who you are suppose to be.
But only the outcome of a epic fail at love.

They won’t always make you smile
A lot of the times they’ll make you cry
You’ll hate everything about them
Until there’s nothing left of them for you to want to look at
You despise them
Until you remember that
Nothing had never been in their favor
But neither had yours
Love had not bloomed for them in the way they wanted
And it wilted quickly
Except it didn’t come back again next spring
A love unrequited I suppose
Nonetheless it hurt
Family that couldn’t be family
Friends that could never be kind
But just diggers instead
Users instead
Liars instead
Drug addicts instead
Pretending to live instead
Grasping onto dear life itself
That’s what had been pounded into them
The realization that
No matter what
It just wasn’t enough
So this hurt, fragile being
Could only do one last thing
Be numb
To not feel anything
Instead of everything
To make it all go away
That person had given up any chances of ever being whole
So
You can’t always hold a grudge over someone who’s had too many scars
To even want to make anything right in this world anymore
You can’t blame them for being hurt
For wanting to end it
But you can
Tell them it’s selfish
That you love them
That drugs aren’t the only ones who care about them
And someone,
You,
want to see them smile again

the disease spread over night
people were coughing, but they still smiled
people still saw light, they saw faith
and it makes me feel weak
i feel weak because i don't have that
i don't have light in me
i can't fight anymore
and the fact that they're at their last breath and still glowing in happiness
shows me that i can still go on

cut my skin
make me feel alive
pull me close and gauge my eyes
make me scream out in terror
because it's the only way i'll ever emotions from you
if that's how it has to be
torture me until im black and blue
as long as you still see me as yours.