I loved your skin more than my own and for that I failed myself
do you still think of me?
teach me how to love in fragments instead of with the whole of me
teach me about ill-timed affection and confessions given right when I begin to let go
I’ll teach you what it’s like to feel you; in my skin- in my head
I want to be unbothered by you, but my heart and mind have never reached a compromise
do you still think of me?

we paint a pretty picture out of holding on
out of never giving up hope
but sometimes it’s knowing when to call it quits
it’s letting go when you don’t feel ready, because you realize you’re waiting for someone who’s already gone
he took the last train out of this dried up town and left you here to wilt away with it
understand that what you miss is only the embellished memories of someone you used to know
but he has changed since then- and you can grow without his nourishment

people see what they want to see
and maybe it’s a weakness you’ve grown out of
maybe it’s a past you’ve shed like second skin
people will hold on to things you’ve let go of
so you’ve got to love yourself
enough to make up for the ones who spite you
enough to tell yourself you’ve done a good job
when your head hits the pillow at night
people will say things intended to cut you and leave you with open wounds
you are not the mistakes you’ve made-
do not let them convince you otherwise

It's a cliche, the way past lovers always come back around
as if it's written on my skin that I tend to forgive more freely than I should
as though they are checking in just to see if I'm still waiting
hours, days, months spent shoving their name down my throat
to convince myself the ending was mutual
and then one day, long after the waiting turned into progressing
they have the audacity
to ask if I'm still anticipating their realization that they 'loved me all along'
to ask if I still want them, because suddenly they feel alone
suddenly they need me
but I am taking every step in the opposite direction of you
I am worth more than a second-thought, than the regret you feel from walking away

I would've given anything to watch every sunset with you
and I don't know why two people in love can't do anything but destroy each other
I don't know why every time you're around poison seeps into my bloodstream
just know that in another universe, I am laying next to you
I know what it's like to adore what breaks you
I've always confused my destruction with divine intervention

and I’ve come to realize that if affection isn’t given freely, it’s not worth having
i’ve grown tired of driving down dead-end roads as if I could pave my own way out
and i’ve learned to know that it may look like love, but it feels a lot more like pain
and loving someone who doesn’t feel the same isn’t really love at all
and you could spend the rest of your life waiting for someone to realize they want you in theirs
and I knew, no matter what you said you were never going to be sure of me
so I’ll move move on with the realization that there are better things to come than what I’ve left behind
embracing the endings in what is not meant to be

I've been scolded for using the word 'love' too often
throwing it away, as if it had to be secured for romantic encounters or within a length of time
like it might become tired or meaningless
but what if I am so full of love I can't help but overflow with it?
what if I've known platonic love, tender love, fervent love?

so I'll say 'I love you', only when I mean it
and I hope my abundance of it never runs dry
I hope it flows out of me effortlessly, because there will never be such thing as loving too much

I have never known how to be enough
always either exceedingly too much or not quite there at all
I wonder, did you feel like I was suffocating you?
or did you feel like you had to coerce words out of my mouth for me to admit I felt anything at all?
I am reckless in my emotions, impulsive in my words
I spent months learning to pretend I'm not plagued by your memory
I wonder if you spend time mourning what we lost
I wonder if you get a stomach ache when you think about the ending
or if it's a heavy sigh of relief, a warmth against your skin
I wonder if I'm best kept as a memory
tell me, what makes you think of me?
the frizz in your hair, or the bad taste in your mouth?
your worst day or your best- It'd be a pleasure to be any of your days at all

you look at me like you might drown in me
a body of water, to rinse away the exhaustion
you look at me like there are depths you've yet to dive into
uncharted territory
you trace the inches of me like there will always be more to love
like you will never grow tired of the skin I'm in
I've grown up knowing that my body is a temple
but I've never met someone so dedicated to worshipping it

your body will sting when you remember his hands
and you'll start contaminating your skin with the touch of strangers hoping all remnants left of his finger-tips fade away
self-love sounds like a foreign language since he walked away
but loving yourself is a process, long overdue
his name is not a synonym for contentment
I know there is a longing deep within your bones and it feels as though he's the only person who could satisfy it
this is your body whispering that it is time to love it back
you are allowed to lay down your weapons and give up the war with yourself

I heard that you're still waiting
summer came and summer left
and too much has changed to ever dig up what we once were
but if you remember me, remember me gently
the sun peeks in after all the rain in April
and you think of how my skin looked kissed by it
neither of us were born knowing how to love
and I hope someday you get closer to it than we ever did

you have to learn to outgrow things without it breaking you
you'll revisit memories and places like old friends
and the most beautiful thing will be the way you've changed, when other things have stayed the same
certain pieces of your life are only meant for seasons
certain people, too
there's a melancholy beauty in walking away
let them go, with a soft kind of ruthlessness
endings don't have to be tragedies

there are nights where the rain's so heavy I could drown myself in it
the thunder's just as violent as my sadness
and I wonder why I feel guilty when you were the one who left
I met someone new but my heart was never meant to belong to anyone else
and I love him but I feel like he's only borrowing what's yours
your t-shirt is at the bottom of my junk drawer
and I think of how I could've done things differently
If I could, I'd do it all again
but if I'm being honest with myself I loved you the only way I knew how
with the kind of abundance that can suffocate
so I'll carry my heart like a weight and not an asset
because it will never be a blessing to feel this much

I broke my own heart when I wrote poems for you
as if you could hear my thoughts
telepathy of some sort
and what's meant for you will find its way back but you never did
the truth is I'm trying to let go with honey on my hands
and I always thought love was patient
but I'm beginning to resent you for the way you're under my skin
and I tried to get you out of my system
but I stuttered when we said goodbye
because I was never good at knowing when love isn't love anymore

I saw you smile and I thought about how each time I start something new it feels different
I call my best friend and ask her if I'm foolish for imagining summer next to you
I start to smile in my sleep and see the world through rose tinted glasses
and I tell myself I won't rush in but it's like telling the seasons not to change
winter creeps it's way in and I miss the way fall felt
but you're still here
and I think this time I'll keep us to myself
because something this simple doesn't need an explanation
you keep me calm and I'll keep you passionate
and I can't imagine mornings without you

I want you to learn about forgiveness
I want you to tell your mother you know she didn't mean to project all of her emotions on you
that she was only your age when she had you and you are still learning too
tell her that you love her, that the best parts of you came from her
I want you to call your dad
I know hearing his voice makes you clench your fists
I know your muscles still hate him even when your heart says you don't
tell him the way his absence had you crying on your bathroom floor before you knew what a panic attack was
tell him the reasons why you blame him for the way you love
then tell him you forgive him
you forgive him even though he never asked you to, you forgive him for yourself
I want you to make a list of every person that's ever wronged you
I want you to burn it and I want you to wish them well
the kind of love you've found, pure and warm
there is no room for resentment in a heart like yours
and then I want you to forgive yourself
even if you feel like you don't deserve it
be gentle with your mind, give yourself a place to rest
you are doing far better than you think

there's a letter I wrote you with no address
in a box beneath my bed
and this isn't a metaphor for the time I spent waiting for you
there's scattered words in my head
playing like a broken record
a collage of tired clichés
holding just enough truth to echo the memories of you
there's nails on my fingers bitten to the brim for every time your name's been in my mouth
and I've tried to wash it down
but something about the wiring in my brain
has fooled me into believing my excess of love
will make up for your lack there of

In my head it's 2 a.m. and you're as awake as I am
heads against our pillows and we're both thinking of each other but neither of us know it
you're missing me
and you're unsure of whether you even knew me well enough to have the privilege of missing me at all
but you miss me for the things we never said
and in my head you're thinking of how you never really got close enough to wrap your arms around my waist
to tell me everything I made you feel and everything you saw coming
that never quite played out how you wanted
In my head even your fingers are sad when you think about my skin
even your lips burn at the thought of never kissing mine again
but it's probably just in my head

I discovered you slowly
and I don't know that I ever believed opposites really attract
but you are my peaceful and I am your wild
I discovered your language and you tucked my hair behind my ear
assurance falls from your tongue like honey and it's got my hand stuck to yours for good-
"I love you
I love everything about you
even the things you hate, I love
and what you love I love even more"

there are some people whom you simply cannot pull the darkness out of
you can love and love and love and they will empty you and ask why you have nothing more to give
because sometimes moths are drawn to your light
and sometimes it is better to protect yourself than try to save people
no amount of nourishment can help someone who doesn't want to bloom
there is a fine line between friendship and toxicity
I hope you learn to draw it

you were knitted together before the world first heard your cries
and you were born whole
you were made to break barriers
never to hide behind the shadow of a man
it is time you stop trying to shrink yourself to conform to the world's ideals
you are a walking contradiction
both peaceful and wild
delicate and resilient
remind yourself you do not need his arms when you were given two of your own
do not let them burn out the flames within your soul
you belong only to yourself

I think the sweetest intimacy
isn't the ******* behind your curtain when the sunlight fades
but when I unravel all of the pieces,
stuck to me for twenty years
when you witness the uninviting parts of me
and just as I begin to feel shame come over me
you whisper "Come here, your scars are my favorite part of you"
sometimes I still struggle to see my heart as more than a bruised and beaten burden beating in my chest
but you look at me like it's the first time your eyes have seen sunlight in years
I find my place in-between your arms, passing time with you

I think I was always running until I found you
I was infatuated with the idea of love but the real thing scared me
so I was a magnet for boys who didn't know what they wanted
and I always thought I'd find the one and confetti would fall from the sky like rain
but you crept your way in despite the differences between us
and I've never felt more at home than I do when your lips graze my cheek on Sunday morning
and there were never fireworks or symphonies but your voice is the sweetest sound
and I might ask you if you still love me on the days when the voices of my past try to creep in
but you sit with me for hours and listen to my thoughts on the world
and I never have to question, I never have to wonder
you love me in the purest way

If there comes a day where you decide to strip yourself of the past
to dust off your worn out clothes and start again
If you move to a new city and meet a stranger with eyes like the desert at night
I hope you never grow out of the faint hope we always held close
I want you to know I left my heart in the same city we fell apart and I never stopped wishing you'd come back for it
It's still waiting to be found by you

I know you lay awake wondering when your time will come
you have dug your way out of the ground
everything that tried to bury you has failed
you were created to to put the night sky to shame and you were born with fire in your blood
you are the exception
the difference
using your energy to try to align your life with theirs is only pulling you away from everything you're meant for
you were never meant to look like them
there will come a time where you will be so glad you never settled for the ordinary

I keep having dreams that feel like memories
and I can't distinguish the difference between the two
all I know is there's a space between us thicker than the shadows in my room
and I keep tangling my thoughts in search of ways to feel worthy of you
I wonder who you're holding tonight
I wonder whose lips graze yours at 3 am while I'm trying to forget you
most days, I wonder if I could strip goodbye off your tongue and replace it with apologies
as if words could ever be enough to clean the mess we made

I am learning to bloom without seeking admiration
the praises of my peers don't affect the rate of my growth
I'm filling myself up with my own love
freeing myself of the weight of comparison
and everytime I fall apart
I get a new chance to rearrange my pieces
I have dug my way out of the holes that tried to bury me
I am the architect of my own life
and I am growing for myself
slow progress is still progress
I may be a late bloomer but wait until you see me flourish

I dare you to stay here for a day
find me in-between white sheets with yesterdays hair
and your t-shirt hanging off my shoulder
find you with your silk skin tangled in mine
let's forget the difference between the two
call out of work
tell them you aren't feeling well
but tell them you're in the sweetest hands
we can watch the sun rise and fall from the same positions
we can be the only lovers left in the wicked world
find my hair caught in your mouth and my feet curled against the edge of the bed
call it working from home

the last time we talked I felt the pity in your words
you look at me like you might've broke me, like you're sorry I'm so fragile
but you don't get to think of me as weak
you don't get to look at what we had and think you tore me apart
not when you were the one afraid of it

today it rained
I thought of you and how you might feel alone
and how I feel alone even though you’d never think it
I’m surrounded by so much love and I can’t get my thoughts away from the person I lost
and I hope you’re not still pretending to love the emptiness beside you and the spaces I once filled
you don’t have to like your solace as much as you pretend to
today it rained and I wondered how I’ll feel when you fall for someone new
I hope you give her the chance you never gave me
to show you intimacy and warmth and the kind of passion you keep searching for
I hope you stop looking
the way you should've when you had me

there are very few people in the world who will ever truly understand you
so let them say what they want, you are not in control of the way you are perceived
don't allow temporary people to explore your soul
the depths of you should only be welcome to those who can appreciate the valleys you've walked and the scars you wear like tattoos
there are people that will praise your failures and hope you stay tethered to the pain of your past
I hope you understand these are the ones that need love the most
I hope you learn to give it from a distance
you'll find that it is necessary to let things go, people too
you'll find that burning bridges isn't always a catastrophe
I hope you learn to love the sound of walking away from what is no longer meant for you
you were made for more than this

I can't stop shaking and I don't think it's the cold
I feel you resting on my skin and it's the same skin you used to trace and I keep burning my body in the shower thinking it will rid the residue of you
we said all of the right words at the wrong time
and I'll walk through a crowded room with a glass in my hand
and I'll try not to notice your voice in the noise of everyone else but I swear it's still the only sound I hear
I'll convince myself I used you the same way you used me and I'll swallow it down with a sip of *****
then swear this is the last night I'm drinking to forget you
I'm training my tongue to stop telling stories of us everytime someone says your name
and when 3 a.m. comes around and I'm tempted to text you my epiphanies on why we went wrong
hoping one might resonate with you and we can try again
I'll remember all the time I spent rearranging the pieces of me that got tangled with yours and hope I never have to love that much again

and if you choose to walk away, if you choose not to hold her
know that she will nurture herself back to light
she will move to a different city and make something of herself
and you'll spend tuesday mornings and sunday afternoons wondering if you let go of the love of your life
and you'll be walking a street corner in late September when you see her
warm air blowing through her thin hair and you have to give a second look
happiness looks wonderful on her
you'll small talk about the weather and pretend not to notice the ring on her fourth finger
she'll smile warmly and say she's glad to hear you're doing well
and the most well intentioned words feel like a gut punch
because all you want to do is tell her how your arms have been empty for the last 7 years
and you traded the person you love for the safety of being alone

I am sure that I am over you
and in the most loving way possible-
you should know there are nights where I cry in gratefulness to the universe for separating us
you should know that your words are no longer honey on my tongue
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm not held down by the weight of another human and I no longer write poetry to decorate your poison
before you, I never knew how to run away without looking over my shoulder
but the moment we said goodbye it was like every memory faded with you
and I know you waste minutes and hours looking for the smell of my perfume in between your lonely sheets
but you won't ever find me there again

I look at my mother, beautiful and alive
I look at her with wrinkles too evident for a woman of her age
telling the stories of all her misery
and I know- she only ever wanted to love and be loved
she only ever wanted to get it right
I see my grandmother, frail and full of wisdom
but tragically alone
no one to grow old with but herself and all of the stories of the men that walked away
I look around at the seventh house I've lived in
but I feel a feeling all too familiar because the same stories repeat in each one
marriages ripped to shreds and I wonder what consistency feels like
and I pray through tear-choked words that I will find a way to break this generational curse
but the truth is I'm terrified
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever lived to watch it fall apart
and I don't blame my mother for the life I've lived because I know she tried her best to make it work
to give us a stable home even if it meant sacrificing her own well-being
I'm terrified of love because I've only ever seen it end in sadness
and I don't know a man who's ever stayed

sometimes I wonder what it would have felt like to call you mine
to get lost in a sea of blankets
and hear your voice on my walk to class
I'm still holding your secrets like porcelain resting in my bones
there are nights where my mind is lost in the confessions we never made
and I find myself missing someone I never even had
isn't it pretty to think of what we could've been?
you'll always be my favorite almost

It's sort of funny in the saddest way.
To find pieces of myself in a man that was never really a part of my life at all.
I wish I knew you well enough to have memories other than playing trivia at a table by the bar watching you stay well past last call.
Fighting with your wife over who would drive home.
Spending every other weekend you had with me staring at the bottom of empty bottles.
And slurring "I love you's" like I might believe them.
Isn't it all I ever wanted?
To be loved by you?
And does anything ever really change?
Can people really change?
You were sober for 5 years after you almost lost your life.
But now I keep waking up to drunk text messages.
Parallel to your drunken confessions in the middle of the night while six year old me tried to comfort you.
Biting my tongue and staring at the cieling fan so I wouldn't cry.
I don't have to hide the tears anymore because you're in another city and I won't ever tell you how bad you hurt me.
But Dad I keep letting men hurt me who tell me they love me at 2 am and I wish I didn't feel like it's because of you.

and if there comes a day where the whole world seems to crumble
if meteorites begin to shake the earth as we know it
and the galaxies beyond us start to swallow our home
if the stars that died one million years ago disappear with the rest of us
tell me you'll still trace poetry on the crevices of my skin even if it's covered in dirt
tell me we'll build a shelter from this planet while it falls apart
nothing can shake this love
asteroids can't destroy us
black holes will never swallow us whole
and know that if the ground we walk ever collapses beneath us
I will find you in another universe- one far away from here
and I'll love you just the same

if you remember me
remember me curled up in your duvet watching you play guitar
remember my hair caught in your mouth and the way we'd laugh in between kisses
remember our firsts and how wonderful they were we couldn’t help but come back for seconds and thirds
remember how the parts of me and the parts of you kept getting tangled in each other
how when we walked away we were both left trying to separate the two
remember me and I hope it's easier to breathe knowing the kind of love this world has to offer

if this is what the wrong love feels like can you imagine us when we find the right

I wonder if I'm able to love without making a catastrophe of it.
Is my heart more than a catalyst for tragedy?
I wonder, did you ever feel like you were drowning in my feelings?
did you feel like you were breathing again as you walked away?
did you feel like another muse for my sad poetry?
I didn't mean to try and use you as the glue for all my broken parts.
I'm a natural disaster and the truth is the ground beneath you shook everytime you came close.
My pure intentions always seem to get twisted but I promise you I only ever wanted to love.
I know I'm poison running through your veins.
I know you wanted to spit me out the second you tasted me.

I'll kiss another boy who doesn't know my mind because if he did as well as you he'd walk away the same.
Just know I tried to be simple. I tried until I felt nothing at all.

I wanted to write about walking away
the two of us, fading away from each others view
I'd decorate it in poetry as if it were anything more than another premature ending
but all I'm left with is shrines in the form of mixtapes
and days spent wondering what it would feel like if I was still in the backseat of your car
instead of sitting upright in the passenger side of his
he says he likes the song I'm playing
but I think he'd hate it if he knew it's just another epitaph for the nights I spent with you

I am forgiving myself
and aware enough to know there are pieces of me still in need of healing
and for a while I would've hesitated to let you in for the fear that I'm not good enough yet
isn't that life, though?
aren't we all just trying to find ways around our brokenness?
to wake up with love for all the fragments we haven't quite learned how to fit together?
I may not be a masterpiece yet but that doesn't make me any less of a work of art
this is your open invitation to all of the messes of me

maybe it's for the sake of ourselves that we always remember the ending and not the beginning
memories come in flashes
and sometimes it's the nights we spent hidden from the rest of the world whispering words I never thought to write down
but mostly it's the morning when it hurt so much to look at you I had to close my eyes
and even then tears still made their way through my shut eyelids
now it's been months and I've forgotten my favorite features on your face
and I wish I could remember the night I called my best friend after leaving you because I had so many feelings I didn't know what to do with them
without remembering coming home to her crying because in the end we were too good to last

don't mistake love for lust
he may pry your legs open and kiss inbetween them in a way that makes you feel like you're touching heaven
but if he doesn't talk to your little brother like he's his own
or hug your mom so tight it's as if he's saying "thank you for her"
if he only calls you after midnight
when the liquor running through his bloodstream makes his body ache
he is only looking for someone to meet him at the bottom of a bottle and not someone to trace circles on his hands underneath his parents dining room table
he will keep his thoughts in like smoke he can't exhale
and you will drive yourself mad trying to pry them out of the same lips you thought would heal you
because the truth is no man can love you who doesn't love himself

I sink in sadness when I think of the parking lots we used to make a fortress
you still exist in every 2 am
we made the most of the night and we made the most of the daylight
passion never burned so bright in the afternoon
you kissed the indentations in my shoulders and I don't think anyone will ever understand my silence as well as you
lay beside me and teach me the art of saying goodbye
the only thing we never perfected

the devil on my shoulder whispers the reasons I should call you
it's the reason I'm thinking of you while he's driving me home
why I feel you when his hand is clenched tight in mine
it's foolish but I'd spend the rest of my life falling apart if it meant falling apart with you
your name blends with his and I have to bite my tongue
look what a mess we made

I don't mean to use you as a safety net
because the truth is you deserve someone who feels the bed sheets beside them when you're not around as more than just another empty space
but I've spent so much time falling into the arms of danger
I only knew how to love and let it destroy me
and never how to disassociate the two
so I let the idea of love die without a euology
and I sought comfort instead

you’ve been told that you love too much
as if the way they receive it is your fault and not theirs
you’ve been brutalized and burned
and they kept saying that maybe if you were a little less of this and a little more of that
you wouldn’t keep waiting for people to hurt you
like maybe you should work on giving in moderation
but believe me when I say
someday you’ll find someone who welcomes the depths of you
you felt like you had to hide from everyone else
he will never reduce the galaxies in your mind to mere constellations
he will love the way you give and the words you write
but he will love the way you love the most

someday, years from now
when you are waiting for her to come home
and your mind drifts to thoughts of me
and you like to think that I'm wandering aimlessly
drawing maps out of the past hoping they'll lead you back to me
you should know I've found a new resting place in the stability of someone else
I show him every scar and the stories behind them
and he smothers them in a kindness that cleanses every record of you
I left your memories with my shoes at his doorstep
and I stopped missing you when he welcomed the parts of me
I always had to hide from you

we used the right words at the wrong time
we were kids, tired of our hometown
cranking the heater and writing poetry with our hands in the humidity on your sunroof
you'd kiss my fingers and talk about us
another us, far from here
where we had already spent mornings in bed that faded into quiet afternoons
I told you I'd miss you and we left the spaces between us as some kind of divine obliteration
I'm forgetting the taste of october
and you are learning how to brave the chill of december without the warmth of me