I sink in sadness when I think of the parking lots we used to make a fortress
you still exist in every 2 am
we made the most of the night and we made the most of the daylight
passion never burned so bright in the afternoon
you kissed the indentations in my shoulders and I don't think anyone will ever understand my silence as well as you
lay beside me and teach me the art of saying goodbye
the only thing we never perfected

the devil on my shoulder whispers the reasons I should call you
it's the reason I'm thinking of you while he's driving me home
why I feel you when his hand is clenched tight in mine
it's foolish but I'd spend the rest of my life falling apart if it meant falling apart with you
your name blends with his and I have to bite my tongue
look what a mess we made

I don't mean to use you as a safety net
because the truth is you deserve someone who feels the bed sheets beside them when you're not around as more than just another empty space
but I've spent so much time falling into the arms of danger
I only knew how to love and let it destroy me
and never how to disassociate the two
so I let the idea of love die without a euology
and I sought comfort instead

you’ve been told that you love too much
as if the way they receive it is your fault and not theirs
you’ve been brutalized and burned
and they kept saying that maybe if you were a little less of this and a little more of that
you wouldn’t keep waiting for people to hurt you
like maybe you should work on giving in moderation
but believe me when I say
someday you’ll find someone who welcomes the depths of you
you felt like you had to hide from everyone else
he will never reduce the galaxies in your mind to mere constellations
he will love the way you give and the words you write
but he will love the way you love the most

someday, years from now
when you are waiting for her to come home
and your mind drifts to thoughts of me
and you like to think that I'm wandering aimlessly
drawing maps out of the past hoping they'll lead you back to me
you should know I've found a new resting place in the stability of someone else
I show him every scar and the stories behind them
and he smothers them in a kindness that cleanses every record of you
I left your memories with my shoes at his doorstep
and I stopped missing you when he welcomed the parts of me
I always had to hide from you

we used the right words at the wrong time
we were kids, tired of our hometown
cranking the heater and writing poetry with our hands in the humidity on your sunroof
you'd kiss my fingers and talk about us
another us, far from here
where we had already spent mornings in bed that faded into quiet afternoons
I told you I'd miss you and we left the spaces between us as some kind of divine obliteration
I'm forgetting the taste of october
and you are learning how to brave the chill of december without the warmth of me

isn't it wonderful to think that the light that I am seeking is also seeking me
healing may come in waves and so does missing you
but I'm giving myself a few more days and days may turn into months and that's okay
because I might not be where I'd like
but I am surely on my way

if my father has taught me anything in twenty years
it is to avoid a man with any resemblance of him
and it's not that I feel sorry for myself but if we're being honest
he broke my mother's heart before mine was ever intact
and I was born trying to piece together a mess of a man with no intentions of being saved
because I believed every drunken "baby things will be different soon"
and I thought that if you loved someone it meant pulling them out of the pit they dug themself into
so I keep letting people fall temporarily in love with me
and trying to fill the gaps of my past with boys with their own open wounds
hoping my words are a scapel until they realize I'm just a human and not a surgeon
I just knew what it felt like to have your heart ripped into shreds before I even knew what organs were

you touch me and the cracks in my lips bleed I bite them so hard
no one has ever been this close
your fingers draw circles on the back of my legs
you kiss every part of me I say I'd like to change
then your lips drip honey on all of my wounds
(the same ones he used to call a burden)

my poetry isn't about you anymore
and I'll be the first to admit there was a time where my mind could only piece together thoughts of you
and words fell from my mouth unwittingly
with nothing but metaphors
to romanticise the way you left
but I won't belittle all this world has to offer again
by thinking you are all there is
I used to think I was born with heartbreak in my blood
but I've realized I keep running towards it mistaking it for love

boys don't like girls whose feelings drip out like water
so I get dizzy off red wine instead of my thoughts
I want to kiss your lips and let you in the fortress I built around my mind
but all the progress I've made will mean nothing
and I can only pretend to be simple for so long until you'll realize I may be too much to love

I am still learning how to fill the gaps of the pieces you took when you left
all of the skin you traced knows it will never feel you again
and I like to believe your fingers are aching and your stomach hurts remembering the loss of me
I hope you make something worthy of all your regret
I bet it hurts to know you'll never know the girl that I'm becoming

I dream of London in the fall and I dream of you
coffee breath kisses and gentle words
entertwined in silk sheets and the sounds of the city open our tired eyes
I tell you the way everyone else was just a comparison to you
and you tell me my scars are your favorite
and you trace every bruise on my body
and I whisper that I'd face all of my pain over again if it led me to you
falling for you is a work of art

and it's always about the timing or the circumstances
it's always an "I'm busy" text message that fades into days of silence
it's when you notice how he used to compliment your mind
and now he only ever calls you beautiful when you're bare inbetween his sheets
and you tell yourself he's just a boy
this is what boy's do
it will get better
but "you're my girl" turns into "I don't think this is working"
and you're crying again
and you wonder why you keep having the same ending with different people

and you're wide awake in the middle of the night wishing he'd call
and then he'll miss you enough to want you but never enough to stay
and you worry you are so good at finding the wrong love you won't know how to recognize the right

I lay awake and I think about the way feelings taste differently
the way every kiss before yours tasted bitter and nonchalant
the day grows dim and I don't know how to think of anything but you
I envy the pillow holding your head and the sheets wrapped in your body
It's 2 am and I swear I can still hear you after all of this time

I never understood the reason I cry before things end
is because the man that was supposed to wake up every morning and tell me I was worthy,
only ever texted me on my birthday to tell me he was proud.
As if he ever played any part in raising the person I am today.
How dare he show his face every other holiday and act as if the good in me came from him.
I've spent the last twenty years using boys to fill his void.
I've spent the last twenty years begging those to stay that were never meant to.
Because the only way I knew to recognize a man's love was in his inconsistency.
You tell me you want me but the daylight fades over and over and I haven't heard from you in two weeks.
I learned when I was 5 years old that a man's words mean nothing when his actions don't align.
I am done giving you the benefit of the doubt.

you kissed the crevices of my body like I was something holy
no one's ever worshiped my scars like that
but you knelt down to them like they were sacred
I wanted to drown all of my skin in you

my body is my home
I have let many people come and go for the hope that they would find it comfortable enough to stay
the truth is each time I thought they would
but I'm beginning to think I am better off being admired from afar
spend a little time in me
you'll find the girl I wish I wasn't behind closed doors
my windows are all broken
and there's dirt on all my floors

some people were born to face more pain than all of the others combined
a stroke of luck or a generational curse
but don't assume my sensitivity adds up to a lack of strength
you touch me like I'm glass- like I may fall apart at any given moment
but I am not a mess for you to clean
I'm strong because the world has broken me more times than I could count
and I still approach love with the kind of vulnerability some may call ignorant
but I am not naive for believing in something so pure my scars won't make a difference
I am simply learning how to **** out those not meant for me

If I was the kind of girl who kept her thoughts to herself,
If I could bite my tongue and bat my eyes without thinking so far ahead,
If I knew how to dip my toes in the water without drowning in affection,
If I were made to be subtle and delicate,
maybe it would be easier to find someone to lay beside on Sunday morning.
But why would I want a boy who only loves the watered-down version of me?
I'd rather spend my life in solitude
than beside someone who only wants me on the shallow end.

every time somone has left
I've gotten a bit better at loving myself
there are lessons in the losses
and I've found solace in the vacancy beside me
I don't mean to refute my feelings
I still pray for someone to stay
but I won't let anyone feel as though they complete me
no one can disturb the peace I created in solitude

I am aware of the reality of you and me
but I like to believe that in another life we are what we aren't in this one
and I'll never tell you but the spaces between us became so comfortable
I felt like I'd spend my whole life waiting for you to fill them
I've become aquantainces with the truth and I know someday I won't think of you at all
but still sometimes I imagine us, in that alternate universe
the sweetest escape from what I am so painfully aware of

I want to create silence with you
to know your crevices and patterns
your good intentions and bad habits
please be patient with me
I grew up learning to make a fortress out of my fears
to find comfort in inconsistency
I'm sorry if the way I built my walls ever makes it difficult to see
and if you don't want to stay say it now
because I'm starting to feel at home when you sit next to me
I'm not sure of much but I'm sure of you

when my infatuation dims
midnight conversations
fade into radio silence
I'm sorry for making you my muse
you look at me in ways I always wanted someone to
and in another life I'd love you the way I should
my weakness is I've only ever held on to unrequited love
and I'm not sure I know how to let someone stay
consistency intimidates me
maybe heartache is more of a friend than I'd like to admit

I spend my nights in empty bed sheets
swallowing the words words I want to say
because it seems easier than admitting my fear
that no one will ever suit me quite as well as you
I dwell in all of our might've been's
until I'm drunk on all of the things you'll never hear
and my cheeks are stained with faded memories of you

the miles never mattered to you
and I'm aware that the messes I've made have left me with the kind of scars that scare people away
but I told you the way the rain that day seemed to wash them all away
and you always said that storms were your favorite
so you bring the rain
and I'll bring my shame
we can go anywhere as long as it's far from here

to all the worlds inside of me I've tried to hide
for the sake of infatuation
boys like simplicity
so simple I will be
but who am I without my thoughts
who am I without metaphors for love
you want to trace the maps of my skin
without hearing of the places I've been
I refuse to soften myself
for your own indulgement

I seem to bruise every thing I touch
I act on my feelings as if everyone knows what it's like to feel so much you can't think straight
please excuse the messes I make
pure intentions mixed with bad habits
I care about everything and I care about you
I just never learned how to show it without creating chaos

If you fall in love with yourself the way you want to be loved
you'll stop letting strangers take refuge in your body
a temporary home for a boy who doesn't care to understand you
If you could look at your reflection and find beauty in the spaces between your teeth
you'll learn lessons in the pieces of your shame
and you'll no longer feel safe in the arms of foreigners
your skin is your sanctuary
short-term visitors are not worthy of resting in it

I could spend the rest of my nights searching for another you
trying on lovers like new pairs of shoes
knowing the sun will rise along with the memories
but I'd rather spend my morning hours with thoughts of you
than have to pretend his hands will ever compare to the way your words made me feel

I left you like a bad habit
I couldn't stop biting my nails but I can go weeks without thinking of you
there were days when your bedsheets were my home
and I don't lay awake thinking of the way she's tangled in them
but when he kissed me I looked to see if you were watching
and for a moment I wondered if you wished you were him

I need to work on my patience
traffic brings out the worst in me and waiting in line makes my hands shake
but for you
for you I'd wait ten lifetimes
it is perfectly fine that I do not consume all of your thoughts
I think mine are enough for the both of us

to the only one who can rest my anxious heart
to the only one who can quiet my foolish thoughts
to the Father that created me
knowing I would turn my back on him
to the one whose arms were open when I returned
to the sweet promises you have always kept
to the one whose pursuit was steady in my wandering
you're the only place I can make my home
so even in the uncertainty I will dwell in you
and I am not sure of almost anything
but I am sure that wherever I go, you are with me

one by one I am burning all of the bridges
the warmest I've ever been was the night I lost you
it hurt the way it does when you swallow a pill
your chest tightening and the strangest discomfort
and it seems like it might feel this way forever
until it doesn't
losing you didn't feel like a disaster
it messes with my mind because I've never known how to let someone walk away
without begging them to stay
it's as if from the first night we met I was preparing for goodbye
I've had far too many glimpses of the kind of love that wrecks you
to ever settle for going through the motions

I wore your shirt home on Tuesday
1 am and the way the street lights danced across your skin
I'm not sure if I knew you then
I'm not sure if I could picture more than present tense between us
but the present felt so nice and I liked the way your hand fit in mine
maybe I knew the entire time I was never meant for someone like you
Sunday still took me by surprise
I think you taught me you can lose someone without feeling like you've lost yourself
I think you taught me I can care for a person without it being the end of me

I've been drawing silver lines in all the words you never said
I should've read the silence as more than just comfort
you taught me that chemistry is vital
and your arms felt nice wrapped around me
but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thinking of him
so believe me when I say I don't hate you
not even a little bit, not even at all
I hope you found in her what I wanted us to be
we both deserve the kind of love that makes our heads spin

you will sleep in the same shirt for three weeks before you realize it's just as ***** as the memories
and the apology will never come when it is stained with the tears you swore you wouldn't waste
he won't miss you when you are still remembering him like a reflex
but he will appear on a Thursday afternoon
empty text messages and you hate the way your mind feels dizzy
6 months clean and half in love with someone new
he was never meant to complete you
please believe me when I say he only wants you because you are no longer his
please don't go back to the very thing that broke you
expecting to be healed

take the time you need to find yourself
I know that love seems impossible when you're hurting
and I know I still have things to learn and wounds to heal
I will think of you in the in-between
I'll pray that what is meant for me will never be lost

It never mattered much that you weren't mind to hold
I have a bad habit of waiting for people to change their minds
and hoping I'll fall back into the arms of someone who was never meant to stay
It's always more the idea of someone than it is the person standing in front of me
so I spend my mornings listening to music that reminds me of you
pretending to know the boy I only wanted you to be

am I a terrible person
if I knew from the first night you kissed me
my messes would be too much for you
and I let you kiss me anyways
I don't know why I get so caught up in the loss of temporary people
you knew the way I looked at midnight
eyes half open
sleepy words that only make half sense
but never why the man I call my father is a stranger
or the reason I get sad in-between the silence
I knew you wouldn't understand
if I told you I'm afraid I'll become the sum of my mistakes
so I stayed silent, simple
and I let you kiss me anyways

I am most happy when I don't feel the need to prove it
when there are seeds being planted in my belly and flowers blooming everywhere I touch
and my own company is enough
and if every person in the world had a negative thing to say
I'd wrap myself up in my own kind words and bury theirs with yesterday
and when it hurts- because transitions always do
I remind myself of the battles won
the regrets I shed like second skin
and the warmth I felt from the bridges I burned

I hope you are not frightened by the fingerprints of my past
my biggest fear is losing you to their ghosts
that my body will seem less holy after you hear of all its journeys
I’m sorry that the paths you trace aren’t uncharted territory
that his hands felt the shape of my hips before yours
I hope you understand the mistakes I made when I was feeling too much
when I learned to close my open heart
I will make everything new for you

you’ve always been in the back of my mind
lingering
as if somehow, someday we would find our way back to one another
I’d tell you how the years all ran together until you held me again
and timing wouldn’t decide our fate
and distance wouldn’t make much of a difference
right now you’re where you are and I’m not really sure where I am
but without it meaning too much you should know
I am never not thinking of you

two years since you and I am still in the habit of falling in love with the idea of people
still in the habit of giving too much and thinking too little about the consequences
I wonder if I am tragically sentenced to unrequited love
and terrible timing
and wanting to fix people who never admit to being broken
I don't miss you anymore
or him
or anyone else I used to think I couldn't breathe without
I've just only ever known to associate love with suffering
and I'm afraid of feeling the same pain with different people for the rest of my life

give me Tuesday morning's and bed sheets
skin kissed by shadows and tangled feet
give me a love that chooses me
sober confessions and forehead kisses
and maybe we were never innocent but this is romance in it's purest form
and know that you are more than everything that I settled for
love me and all of the ways I've mistaken them for you
and I will choose you every midnight and Monday and all of the inbetweens

for me it will always be you
and for you it will always be her
your smile
her eyes
your fingertips
her bedsheets
your words
her touch
and she will always come back but she will never choose you
and you will always want me but you will never let her go

I missed you before you were mine
dismal nights spent wondering what t-shirt clings to your back
& what it would feel like to wake up with it falling off my shoulder
but now your fingers keep getting tangled in my hair
& your skin fits mine like a puzzle piece
& my imagination never did you justice

whenever I thought of you I thought of summer
temporary feelings and short-lived love songs
the seasons took so **** long to change and God knows I did too
then the sun kept shining all September and sometimes it felt like it was shining just on me til it burnt my skin and ran me dry
summer just wouldn't stop coming back and I hate to admit how many times I did the same
but October is peaking through my windows and you haven't touched me in 25 days and I think this time I meant it