whenever I thought of you I thought of summer
temporary feelings and short-lived love songs
the seasons took so damn long to change and God knows I did too
then the sun kept shining all September and sometimes it felt like it was shining just on me til it burnt my skin and ran me dry
summer just wouldn't stop coming back and I hate to admit how many times I did the same
but October is peaking through my windows and you haven't touched me in 25 days and I think this time I meant it

I went looking for love in the wrong places
I know I know I know
& it hurt even when I knew the ending
it hurt to trace your skin with drunken hands
it hurt to hear you call me your friend
as if friends laid in the same bed and kissed me like that
it hurt even though I didn't want you and it hurt even though you were never mine at all
& I'll deny it because it shouldn't hurt to lose someone you don't love
but it does it does it does

I always wanted to pretend that nothing changed - that my feelings were steadfast
that who I loved then I would still love now
as if life weren't made up of seasons
I was scared of losing the passion and maybe losing the pain
but aren't we all made to move forward
and if love always stayed we wouldn't cling to it like our last breath
everything is temporary and I haven't decided whether that comforts or terrifies me

when you find yourself entangled in your own empty bed sheets
9 pm on a Tuesday and thinking of my velvet skin
when you begin to miss me and my wild thoughts and the way I never knew better than to speak them
keep it to yourself
don't you dare tell me about the way you turn over at 4 am and forget I'm not there to pull closer
don't call and say you wish you would've done things differently because God knows I gave you that chance
don't be selfish anymore
just let me be and let me believe you didn't care the way I always thought you did

I don't think I'll ever love you but if you want the rain I'll be a thunderstorm
& if you prefer the warmer weather I'll burn so you can see the light of day
I'm not saying you'll ever be the one but I'm so used to all of these thoughts making me crazy
and with you I swear I never think at all
maybe I stopped believing in soulmates a while ago
but if there's such thing as bodies meant to dance and lips meant to touch
I think that's you and I

I learned to stop dancing with the memory of you
to stop hoping someone else might fit in the depression your body left on my mattress
you were not my saving grace
I wake up in the morning and my sheets kiss my bare skin
the sun running across my shoulders, warmer than your hands ever felt
I am whole without you, I am whole by myself

unspoken words never suited me well
I’ll whisper the reasons I’d like to see you in the morning,
mostly for the way the sunlight and shadows dance across your skin
If your fingertips promise to adore more than my body in the dark
I’ll always wish to be more subtle and you’ll wonder how a broken heart could remain so open
the wounds he left when I was six never healed but I’ll let you nestle in-between them
just please don’t make me feel weak for shouting how I feel from rooftops
I’ve never known how to love with anything but all of me

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